Took her back after breaking up...got burned

[leafguy]

Hey guys,

For those of you following my last thread, you know that the girl I was with for 5 years had an emotional affair due to things going in a rut.

 

Well after the initial break up, she begged me to take her back after two days, which I stupidly did. Fast forward a month, she ends things saying that she felt more of a friendship vibe with me, she didn't feel the same and that I needed to focus on me more and at the end doesn't know what she wants. How the hell do you go from being lovers for 5 years to seeing someone as a friend by the end? Someone please elaborate in that...guessing another person she fell for?

 

I then asked her to exchange stuff as I sort of expected things based on the past couple of weeks. End result was she wants no part of it and told me to keep everything...any clue as to why this would be? My theory is that she doesn't know what she wants and that it will be a reminder, either that she wants to run because something has already happened? Any other theories?

 

In the end, I think she is going for the GIGS and will soon realize what she will be missing. Anyways, I can hopefully ask you guys for the same love and support as last time to get me through this as I am about to embark on my own NC challenge.

Edited August 28, 2013 by leafguy

[leafguy]

Going to vent on here as it will hopefully help.

The sick stomach has returned and so has the urge to just reach out and try to say whatever is on my mind.

 

I know I am in for a fair amount of hell the next several weeks, but I know I need to remind myself that I can't change it, that I need to enjoy the new found freedom and quit worrying about her.

 

I've done the necessary things already...deleting messages, pictures, etc etc and have taken care of that end. I am leaving the more personal stuff...engagement ring, cards, and what not buried for the next while as I am not prepared to deal with that yet. Wish I could say it was easier this time around tonight, but it just isn't.

 

The whole comment of her having the "friendship vibe" is still eating at me. How does it change from love to friendship other than it was over a while ago for her? This the right guess? Someone give me some confirmation lol. I need to put that issue to rest so I can forget about it...I hope.

 

Thank you in advance for any support I receive as I know there is going to be a lot of time on here the little while to constantly vent an update.

[leafguy]

Well, the tight chest, racing heart beat and upset stomach have all returned with a vengeance. Was hoping to avoid this stage given it is the second go around, but no can do.

 

Fighting that huge urge again as I find myself wanting to pick up the phone. Just bugged by those unanswered questions that continue to plague my mind, preventing me from sleeping, thinking rationally or anything productive.

 

I'm looking forward to working to try and get my mind off it, but just wondering where I am going to get the motivation to get up and face this seemingly dauntless challenge, especially when everything hits and I want to break down.

[L.D.702]

I know how you feel, I just want to call my ex and tell her how much I care about her and love her so much. I want to tell to stop playing and get back together, but I know that she won't want to which makes me feel really bad.

[northdevon]

Your situation is identical to mine!! In April she had an emotional affair, and we mutually ended it. Went into no contact and she came back (haha) saying she loved me and she still wanted us to try again but I wasn't sure. I then took her back. Fast forward to September, she begins a new job with 2 guys I think she has a crush on, things with us weren't good anyway but not beyond fixable, but she ended with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and wants space. She came out with that she wanted to break up, added the friends line you had, and off she went. I think that in your case its possible you ended up into the same rut again that made the first problem, the first emotional affair. I feel like you, sick, not eating much, can't sleep much at all, but no contact could work wonders for you. If you weren't a bad partner to her, she will feel the loss, I promise you. 5 years is a long time, you aren't that forgettable after a break up. Giving her time and space gives her the chance to evaluate your life, if she comes back again, you will hopefully be in the place where you might not know what you want. I know its hard, I am on day 3 of no contact, I keep wanting to pick up the phone and say 'COME ON! SNAP OUT OF IT! but I can't, and shouldn't. Do not break no contact. She can't miss what is still there, and you can't get over her if you still talk to the person you want. Talk to me, we can keep each other updated on our similar situaions. Both not alone with this.

 

Take Care.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, the tight chest, racing heart beat and upset stomach have all returned with a vengeance. Was hoping to avoid this stage given it is the second go around, but no can do.

 

Fighting that huge urge again as I find myself wanting to pick up the phone. Just bugged by those unanswered questions that continue to plague my mind, preventing me from sleeping, thinking rationally or anything productive.

 

I'm looking forward to working to try and get my mind off it, but just wondering where I am going to get the motivation to get up and face this seemingly dauntless challenge, especially when everything hits and I want to break down.

 

You caved the last time and look where it got you -- right back in this same place. It's time for you to man up and actually keep NC this time and make a real attempt to move forward. You know what happens when you cave. So don't.

[leafguy]

Northdevon, Thx...that sounds like a plan.

 

And Simon, you are right. I gave her the second chance and it got me a month of pretty much the same. She showed some initial promise and things went well for a few weeks. Then the last two, it just spiraled to the point where I figured it was coming. Still didn't make the pain any less despite the fact I kind of was trying to get to the point I was ready for it.

 

Didn't happen t say the least hurts like hell still and doesn't feel any easier than the first.

[melell]

I am sorry for what you are going through are you still in contact?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hi Leaf,

 

Sorry you find yourself in the same position.

 

Lets just assume she is showing all the traditional signs of someone in an affair. Words, actions, deflections, excuses. Lets just assume.

 

It doesn't much matter. You still need to do all the same things to get over her.

 

Complete NC.

 

You KNOW that means block her from any contact. Facebook, google chat, other misc chat, email, phone, etc. everywhere so you control any contact. So you are not waiting and dreading any contact.

 

Box up anything that is hers that you want to give back and mail it or toss it.

 

Go to your doc and get meds if you need to, no shame in needing help, loss has a physiological response not just mental.

 

Remember, the only person harmed by you giving her another shot was you. You made a mistake, but it was yours to make.

 

Keep posting.

[leafguy]

Hi Melell, thx

Umm today she reached out a number of times to tell me she was sorry and that it isn't easy doing what she had to do. She also texted "Good morning, I hope you understand I still love us and love the bond we share, but something just doesn't feel right." That left me speechless...not even sure how to interpret that. I haven't responded but I am fighting to urge because I know I have to be strong. I was hoping it might be easier this time around, but it is just the same.

 

It is what it is...thx. You always have such supportive posts. Right now, I have broken down for the second time today. First was early at work, and second just now since I am needing to vent. I'm about to hit the gym and go out for the evening. The biggest thing with me is trying to lose the dependency on checking my phone. I left it in the car at work, but getting home has been a whole different story.

 

And I have to say the most frustrating part about it all is that I brought it upon myself. I took her back and ended up like this. And here we go again. I guess the two conclusions are I need to man up and be myself again, not lack confidence I am lacking now, and she needs to find herself...which is a bit of closure I guess.

[Simon Phoenix]

She doesn't need to do anything. This is your recovery and you have to take control of it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hi Melell, thx

Umm today she reached out a number of times to tell me she was sorry and that it isn't easy doing what she had to do. She also texted "Good morning, I hope you understand I still love us and love the bond we share, but something just doesn't feel right." That left me speechless...not even sure how to interpret that. I haven't responded but I am fighting to urge because I know I have to be strong. I was hoping it might be easier this time around, but it is just the same.

 

It is what it is...thx. You always have such supportive posts. Right now, I have broken down for the second time today. First was early at work, and second just now since I am needing to vent. I'm about to hit the gym and go out for the evening. The biggest thing with me is trying to lose the dependency on checking my phone. I left it in the car at work, but getting home has been a whole different story.

 

And I have to say the most frustrating part about it all is that I brought it upon myself. I took her back and ended up like this. And here we go again. I guess the two conclusions are I need to man up and be myself again, not lack confidence I am lacking now, and she needs to find herself...which is a bit of closure I guess.

 

She is being very shellfish contacting you. Those calls were all about assuaging her guilt and making her feel better. They were not for or about you.

 

So for you...

 

Phone hint. Did you know, back in the day, we survived without cell phones? I know! Crazy. Call your mom or whomever. Tell them you are ok, but not carrying around your phone for a while. Block your x as much as possible so you stop hoping she will snap out of it.

 

Grieve a bit. Then get up get out and burn off some energy.

 

NC is the key. You can do it.

 

IIWII

[melell]

100% listen to Simon.

 

Trust me the habitual things that remind you of her will fade.

 

My ex was like that with me at first, and it kept me feeling horrible. When I cut contact, got a new number etc is when my life started to normalize. I would get anxiety checking my phone before that. Eventually it is like your mind recognizes that contact hurts, but sometimes people just ignore it because they don't want to let go.

 

You are on a bit of a journey now, but it will be okay, I will say though, at some point you are going to stop contact, sooner is much better than later. After the initial part of NC things do get better.

 

The difference between my life with contact, and with no contact is huge.

 

Hang in there

[It-is-what-it-is.]

LEAF,

 

 

Umm today she reached out a number of times to tell me she was feeling guilty and that it isn't easy doing what she had to do and she really doesn't want you to be angry with her selfish actions. She also texted "Good morning, I hope you understand I still love us and love the bond we share, but something just doesn't feel right. And by saying this nonsense I can pretend I am not a cheating biatch"

 

That left me speechless...not even sure how to interpret that. Cause she's a nutter and crazy makes no sense. I haven't responded (do not respond) but I am fighting to urge because I know I have to be strong.

 

Edited for accuracy...

 

Repeat after me......NC. NC. NC. NC.

[aloneinaz]

Leaf,

 

Don't beat yourself up for giving it a second try. Hell, I gave my ex multiple tries through too many break ups. Some hers and some mine. They all failed. I believe the ole expression of if it failed once, it will fail again is very true.

 

You need to block her phone number or ask her to leave you alone so you can heal. I'll give my ex credit. She ended our toxic relationship and never bothered me for both our sanities. If she had kept contacting me, I'd of blocked her phone number or told her to leave me alone.

 

NC and time will heal your wounds. There's someone out there for you and she wasn't it.

[leafguy]

Thx everyone and yes I believe the no contact is certainly the answer.

It has been quiet this evening and I have spent a couple hours at the gym.

 

I have to admit I have actually eaten a bit today and haven't felt as stressed. Maybe my mind and heart telling me that they are both in sync, even though I don't know it yet.

 

I do believe though the worst is yet to come as far as feeling it. Given the fact it has only been a day, I don't think the I miss her has hit yet.

 

Guess time will tell. Im sure I will post before bed once things in the head start to race again. Thanks you everyone for being there so far. Going to need a ton more support and all help is appreciated.

[BC1980]

It takes time for it to get better. For a good 6 weeks, I just felt sad doing things I would normally enjoy. I made myself get out and do things, but I felt awful on the inside. One day, that mental weight went away, and, though I am still very sad, I know I will be okay. I know I will move on from this. So will you.

 

I would strongly advise you to stay in NC for your own emotional sanity. That is what drove me to request NC after 4 months of LC. I know it's awful that it took me so long, but I was addicted to his breadcrumbs. Always remember that no matter how bad you feel right now, you will only feel worse if you talk to her. That is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is true. It was so sad for me to admit the person who used to light up my day had become the person who brought me down when I talked to or saw him. I never saw that coming, and it was tough to come terms with.

 

Breaking NC is like dieting. You think you need that piece of cake, but you feel worse afterwards and wish you hadn't eaten it.

[leafguy]

BC1980,

I don't think I could consider LC for 4 months. I think the worst thing thats bugging me is I know I will likely heal before her and I still care.

 

I have such a broad network of family and friends for support, not to mention all you wonderful people on here that I still worry for her and almost feel like I want to help her cope while trying to heal myself.

 

Maybe its the fact it is still fresh, but I just feel bad for her as she has noone. I am reminding myself she CHOSE that, but at the same time, maybe its just the unresolved feelings.

Edited August 29, 2013 by leafguy

[leafguy]

Well, managed to get a few hours sleep before needing to wake up and vent. I think the gravity of the situation his hit as I woke up and realized now how much I miss her already. The tight chest has returned with a vengeance and I am fighting every urge to just grab my phone and text.

 

I wish there was something else I could do to get my mind from racing, but somehow, I wake up and instantly think of her.

 

I am not sure what else to say as this feels like it is going to be harder than yesterday. Hope I can pull through.

[leafguy]

2 more hours same thing...really wish I could sleep solidly. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. Head is pounding, chest constricted, heart and head going a mile a minute. Just wish I could have two hours of peaceful sleep.

[northdevon]

I have had the same. I'm 4 days into NC and its really really hard, but keep at it. You will heal, any contact you make now actually lowers the chance she will come back to you. Keep fighting, keep doing NC for you to heal, and if she did come back, you would be able to take it or leave it without rushing into a decision based on your current emotions. Take Care, keep talking to us all here.

[leafguy]

Got through the second day at work leaving my phone in the car. Had a few break downs where I had to run to the washroom to cry, but I pushed through. Need to do the same tonight.

 

It will be back to the gym again and hopefully some plans later with my buddy for the movies.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Leaf,

 

Good job. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Did you block her?

[leafguy]

It-is-what-it-is,

I have deleted her number, all her messages and pictures, pulled everything down and have started boxing up everything. I don't think 100% blockage will be necessary. The only contact means we have left is Facebook, which she is on limited feed so I can;t see any of her activity.

 

Oddly enough, she messaged me today to tell me she would still do anything for me and was telling me certain things were on sale that she knows I take in my lunch to work. I don't get that one at all. To me that feels like more than a breadcrumb...that she is still showing interest and may have regrets. Anyone else care to shed some light on this??? She also does not want to meet up to take her things back anytime soon. She has stored stuff here for a couple years that were to be for her house when she buys it, yet told me to keep it all. With what she has texted me, and messaged me (none responded too) it feels to me like she has left an open end as she doesn't want me to leave her life.

 

Anyways, I just got back from the gym and feel pretty good about it. Least it gives me an outlet for a few hours a night. The biggest issue I have had has been work. While I am at home, I can vent anytime I want...and as you well know I have been during the night at sporadic intervals when I wake up all the time every few hours.

 

With work, I have no means to the internet so Im stuck 8 hours with my endless thoughts and have run to cry a few times. My thinking has been productive, but those reminders that creep in..ie a song that tends to set me off if I am in the wrong mindset, but I have managed to get through two days.

 

I am making plans for the long weekend with friends / family so that I can get out and enjoy some time off. Hopefully won't be idle to long as its a few days off I may think about. I'm hopeful that I will get used to being without her sooner that later.

 

I have to relearn what it is to be "the man in the relationship." Had a good long day to process everything again, and realized that I was a whuss for a good 6 - 8 months. I will never again be that guy who obsesses, gets clingy, needy and goes with the flow of always waiting on her. That's exactly what I did the past 6 months and I know that she probably lost a lot of respect for me, then likely lost the attraction and love. I'm by no means taking fault for what happened, but there is always a silver lining and ways that I can learn to be a better person for the next relationship that comes along.

 

Other than that, I am also trying to detach myself completely from my phone, which has been a huge issue that caused me to become clingy and needy as I was always waiting on her. At work, it is in the car, at home, it is in another room with the ringer on when I am expecting to make plans...at the end of the night, it is in my room when I am having me time on PS3 or venting on here. The less I am around it, the sooner I will beat the urge to constantly check it, constantly have the urge to text her and be less addicted to it in general...both for relationships and leaving this one.

 

I think that concludes my rant for tonight. I am sure there are things that I have forgotten, but it has been a productive day. Hope tomorrow is easier than today, but somehow I don't see it as I am just starting to really miss her.

 

Thanks again everyone for all the support..please keep it up. I will need it

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Leaf

 

Her message means nothing.

 

Which brings me to blocking. You are leaving the door open.... again....to the detriment of your healing...again.

 

Please listen to me.

 

Unfriend her from Facebook.

 

Block her from email (send to spam or trash)

 

Block or unfriend her from LinkedIn, google+, chats, games, everything.

 

Call you cell carrier and block her phone number. Or there are APs that help I have heard.

 

Why? Because her calling to check on you, telling you about what's on sale? This is for her....not or you. It is to assuage her guilt. Not for you.

 

At some point in the future you can be friends, if you want.

 

But for now...you need to control the contact. For you.

 

You need to not see emails that make you need to read them, you need to not have voicemails to listen to. This action is to stop the looking for contact, being disappointed if it doesn't come, tortured if it does. Rinse repeat.

 

You need to take back control of your life. For you.

 

And...If she really wanted you, she knows where you live.

 

Please do this. It will help you. I promise.

 

(Mom hugs)