Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 that is exactly what I want to avoid...I'd like him & I to move forward, but if his intent (sad as it may be) is just to use me, that I don't want. May I ask how old you are? You seem quite young.
Author Brown-Eyez Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 OP - I have been reading through this thread and I am truly worried about you. This will not end well if you are not careful. This is a tipping point for you. You see, this forum is filled, literally filled, with stories just like yours. Unfortunately, yours is not special or unique. Rather it is textbook, and we have all seen it before. Many times. Listen and learn. There is another 'young' lady on here who was in a position much like yours. And she was given proper advice time and time and time again. Yet, she thought she knew better. Well her story appears to finally be coming to a positive end. The sad thing is, it took more than a year of serious pain and suffering. Reading her threads made my stomach turn. No human being should suffer at their own hand as she has. Please don't be another. This is not a joke. This is real life and you are being given good, solid advice. If you are smart, you will listen!! Good luck I have seen the wisdom on this forum..even though tonight it might look like it, I'm not an idiot AND I am sick of feeling miserable and suffering. So I will heed all this incredible kindness and just lay low. Thank you again everyone!! 4
JDPT Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 We aren't idiots we simply allow our erratic emotions to get the best of us. Take tonight as a very fundamental learning experience and start paving your way to full recovery and success. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) OP, accept nothing less than a pleading, groveling apology and a plea for you to come back. Anything short of that gets ignored. That is the only way to keep healing. Let me tell you a story from both sides of the tracks to give you some perspective. When I was younger, and certainly less mature, I broke up with a boyfriend who was really in love with me. I just knew he wasn't "the one" for me and was ready to move on. He thought I was "the one," I think, and consequently, the breakup was much harder on him. Unfortunately, at the time, I was naive and didn't understand the dynamics of the situation. I often reached out to him after we broke up, usually in a "hey, how are you?" type of context. I had zero intention of EVER being romantic with him again. But in my mind I was being friendly! I still liked him as a person and wanted to be his friend, and see if he was doing okay. Again...naive. Eventually he confronted me and called me out, saying something along the lines of "Do you realize that every text you send me takes me back to (date when we broke up)??! I start to make progress, then you text and my world comes crashing down around me. I can't be your friend. So unless you want to go back to the way things were, please stop. Just stop." Man, what a wake-up call. I felt like an absolute nasty, horrible witch, and rightly so. I never contacted him again. Now, from the other side of the tracks. At the end of last year, my boyfriend of a year and half, whom I was very much in love with, broke my heart. He confided that he no longer wanted a serious relationship, commitment, and certainly never marriage. Things that were all very important to me. I'm being honest with you when I say I barely made it through this breakup emotionally intact. I spent days in bed just sobbing uncontrollably, weeks being miserable, and two whole months just feeling incredibly depressed, lonely, and empty. Missing him terribly all the while. During this two months that we were broken up, he sent me a few "bread crummy" emails. None of them were quite so cordial as "hey how are you," they would usually be a few semi-nostalgic paragraphs about how he missed me, hoped I was doing well, and regretted the way things ended between us. But guess what, OP? I ignored all of them. Every last one. I had made a deal with myself that unless he told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted me back, wanted to work on things constructively and build a serious commitment with me, I would never speak another word to him. At the time it wasn't a ploy or a method to get him back - it was literally the only way I could heal and get on with my life. About two months after our break-up, this past February, I received a novel of an e-mail from him. Pleading with me to meet with him, insisting that he's had a change of heart, begging me to hear him out and let him try again. Asking me to please give him another chance. We are together now and currently engaged. I am not telling you this story to make you starry-eyed at the idea that this could be the case for you and this particular guy. I am telling you this story to show you that if he really wants you back, he will let you know. And no amount of NC (again, I didn't speak to my then-ex, not one single word, for two months!!) will stop him. Hopefully this strengthens your resolve. It sounds like you're being strong...keep it up! You can definitely do this. Edited August 28, 2013 by kiss_andmakeup 11
2sunny Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 that is exactly what I want to avoid...I'd like him & I to move forward, but if his intent (sad as it may be) is just to use me, that I don't want. Did you notice he didn't apologize for hurting you? No apology for how he participated? For how much harm he caused? Nope And he didn't ask to take you out on a date either! He offered nothing! So no reason to respond. He offered nothing... He's just fishing to see if you will stroke his go - at YOUR expense - again! Do not respond! 1
jesse93 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 My ex for the past couple weeks has been texting me, like you she texted me saying "Hi how are you?" all the time and I took this as "OMG she wants to talk to me this isn't a simple hello, this is a "I miss you" boy was I wrong, she didn't care to tell me she missed me, she didn't want to tell me she wanted me back, but i still fed into her texts, she would sometimes stop texting me for 4 days and then randomly it would come "hey how are you?" I sat there every time hoping that the conversation would lead to us talking about each other, but it never did. I finally just gave up about a week ago, I couldn't do it anymore there was no hope there was no "I miss you, I love you and want you back" it was just plain old, distant, hurtful conversations. Not hurtful in the way where its like "oh I hate you, I never want to be with you" but the conversations were just so distant, that it hurt me. It made me feel like she wanted nothing to do with me besides get an ego boost, besides figure out what I was doing with my life to become a better person, so I gave up I stopped talking to her (we messaged through KIK) I uninstalled the app, and realized now that maybe one day I will get that " I miss you" text, I highly doubt it. But you never know. Anyway I just wanted to share my experience, and I hope that you are very cautious about any choices you make when contacting your ex, because that "hi how are you?" might seem like they're trying to reach out, but most the time they're not. 3
clairedunham Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 yea everyone is right. Ignore. Make him work for it
aussietigerwolf Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I'm sorry to say this but you sound like you were and still are his puppet. as harsh as it sounds, this is totally what it sounds like. the guy just misses being worshipped.
barky2 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Why after all of this do I feel there is going to be a thread posted tomorrow saying " well I responded back and he ignored me!" Smh. Barky
clairedunham Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Why after all of this do I feel there is going to be a thread posted tomorrow saying " well I responded back and he ignored me!" Smh. Barky Barky when you left your ex girl did you stop loving her?
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) but how do I make him work for it?? Shouldn't I at least respond to let him know that I still am interested? and ok, not tonight, but tomorrow morning maybe? i really like this guy MAKE HIM? You mean "control" him. Sorry, hun, you don't have the power to make anyone do, feel, think, act any way. Why would you want someone who you have to "make" do anything. Good decision to be still. Breathe. Think of yourself. Edited August 28, 2013 by BigGirlPantiesOn
barky2 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Barky when you left your ex girl did you stop loving her? Did I stop loving her? Never. Barky
robsa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I do hope you managed not to contact him, and you should definitely never do that. I've learned it at my own expense! I even got a message saying how he missed me and after 6 weeks had not been able to deal with the break up and that he wanted to see me etc etc....but nothing saying that he wanted me back or committing himself to anything....and I feel right into the trap just to hear that yes he still loves and misses me but he still thinks we are no good for each other and he is happy as it is right now.....RESULT: I got crushed again 6 weeks after the break up.... I agree with everyone else, continue NC and never break it, and even if you do get a message where he seems very sorry and to make things work, think about it before answering. Take sometime for yourself to understand what you want and what it can be.... in any case you are not there yet.... But believe me when I say :DO NOT REPLY! it will only hurt you...and unfortunately like someone else said, when they are not getting attention from you they might say things just to get that attention and boost their ego and feel good about themselves....this might not be their intention to hurt you but they are being selfish and only thinking about themselves! stay strong! 1
iouaname Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Told ya! Gosh, ever since I've joined LS and read the stories, people have become so predictable to me. Don't respond. Look at it this way: If you respond, he'll know that he can get you to bite whenever he wants. In return, he'll text less and less as he phases you out of his life. Do you want that? No. Ignore the texts. Don't respond and just move forward with your day. From experience, the "I NEED TO ACT NOW" mentality is what ruined my relationship with my ex, both during the relationship and after. Don't let that mentality consume you. 2
Author Brown-Eyez Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Why after all of this do I feel there is going to be a thread posted tomorrow saying " well I responded back and he ignored me!" Smh. Barky Nope...like I said, I really care for him, but I don't want to be an idiot. If it wasn't for the advice that I received yesterday, I would have assumed that he was truly reaching out to me. Sadly I've seen the light & understand his message to me was friendly but not really loving. I want the guy who was very sweet & loving towards me, that understands that he let a good thing go, & acknowledges that fact in some direct way to me. And I KNOW he has it in him, because he showed considerable effort to get me in the first place. From what I understand anything less will just create further heartache for me (no thank you, I already have plenty!). 9
Zahara Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Nope...like I said, I really care for him, but I don't want to be an idiot. If it wasn't for the advice that I received yesterday, I would have assumed that he was truly reaching out to me. Sadly I've seen the light & understand his message to me was friendly but not really loving. I want the guy who was very sweet & loving towards me, that understands that he let a good thing go, & acknowledges that fact in some direct way to me. And I KNOW he has it in him, because he showed considerable effort to get me in the first place. From what I understand anything less will just create further heartache for me (no thank you, I already have plenty!). :bunny::bunny::D 1
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Nope...like I said, I really care for him, but I don't want to be an idiot. If it wasn't for the advice that I received yesterday, I would have assumed that he was truly reaching out to me. Sadly I've seen the light & understand his message to me was friendly but not really loving. I want the guy who was very sweet & loving towards me, that understands that he let a good thing go, & acknowledges that fact in some direct way to me. And I KNOW he has it in him, because he showed considerable effort to get me in the first place. From what I understand anything less will just create further heartache for me (no thank you, I already have plenty!). Wow! Brown-Eyez! I really admire your strength today! Very motivating! 1
Soat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 It helps that 5 pages of people have said the same thing to you! We ALL can't be wrong 1
Author Brown-Eyez Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 It helps that 5 pages of people have said the same thing to you! We ALL can't be wrong Yes, that is exactly the same conclusion I came to, not one person (out of 20 who commented on my dilemma) suggested that I go for it.. i'd be even a bigger fool to ignore that type of advice from folks who have zero vested interest in the outcome (except to prevent me from shooting myself in the foot) I am very inspired by the level of concern & kindness I was shown, it's given me the strength to keep NC 5
Art Vandalay Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) yeah, take it from me. i'm the king of breaking NC and it's the worst. My GF of a year broke up with me 5 days ago. since then, on monday she sent me a novel of a facebook message telling me how she needed closure and how she is still in love with me and how we are best friends and she needs me as a friend and on and on. i contacted her back telling her i was sorry for being angry with her when she told me it was over. And that i'd love to be friends still, i basically kissed her ass for breaking up with me. And now two days later i could not be more upset with myself for doing that. And the thing is i have now set myself up for a situation where she thinks i'm totally ok and her decision was ok by me. Which could not be further from the case. And i know she's going to reach out to me as a friend in the near future too, and when that moment comes i hope i can just say not respond because i feel like i've already ruined any chance i had of getting back with her. Edited August 28, 2013 by Art Vandalay
BC1980 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Let me tell you why you shouldn't respond. My ex was sending me breadcrumbs for the past 2 months. He even wanted to see me at one point, which I stupidly did. He initiated all contact. These texts or calls would come every 2-3 days. So I finally told him I wanted NC last Saturday. Guess what? He said he is still confused about our future. Says he won't sell the engagement ring back yet, but he's just confused. So there you go. Don't do what I did. Had I gone strict NC 4 months ago when we broke up, I would have been better. Should have listened and taken the advice on this forum but thought I knew better. Now, nothing short of an "I made a mistake" email will get a response from me, and I don't even know it that will get a response at this point. Everyone on here knows what they are talking about. Listen to the advice. 1
iouaname Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 And to add to the stories - my ex would call me and message me about once a week for two months straight prior to telling me that we needed to break up and be single or a little while. I finally responded to one of the breadcrumbs after two months, only to find out that he had decided that we would not have a future together and that he no longer had feelings for me in 'that way.' I was then devastated all over again and it led to a very toxic and vitriolic relationship between he and I. Move forward and move on. Yes, you love him, but nothing you can do will bring him back into your life as the perfect boyfriend. He'll need to decide that on his own - and if he does, there is nothing that will stop him from letting you know that. Carry on! 1
melell Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Glad you didn't respond. Most of us have been there, felt it, and it sucks. Everyone is trying to protect you that is why this site is such an excellent support network. I was on another relationship site, and things happen you post about it, and have to make the choice to listen to those who have been there, or ignore. I always listened. Even to the little bits, I took really seriously. I am 9weeks post BU of an 8year relationship, I am doing exceptionally well and it is because I listened to everyone, if I had followed my instincts I would be a complete mess right now for sure. Hang in there 1
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