Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Yes, I loved him, I adored him. I still love who I wanted him to be. But it became I didn't love who I was with him anymore. Have you ever regretted D him? And do you have a friendship with him now at all?
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Journee, have you ever separated from your H after a D day? I think they call it on here the 180 or something. Maybe that would be an idea for you. We actually did separate for a year for non A reasons. We were (I thought reconciling). I became pregnant and we were getting our family back together when......... he started seeing a coworker in hotels. I was six months pregnant when I found out. He moved in with our first child and I after I gave birth to our youngest. I had some complications with the c- section and needed some help as I healed. Since then our M has been worse than when we were separated. I had done the 180 during the separation without even knowing I did it. He made changes that I thought were genuine. Yet, here we are.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Yes, I loved him, I adored him. I still love who I wanted him to be. But it became I didn't love who I was with him anymore. I have told him this also. I hate who I have become. It touches every part of my life. How crazy this all is. You have just given me something major to think about.
2sure Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Do you have the means to leave if you decided to? I'm asking because sometimes feeling trapped, epecially with small kids, makes everything harder.
2sure Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Have you ever regretted D him? And do you have a friendship with him now at all? No regret...probably because , I just didn't have a choice. He was not going to stop. I wavered during the divorce because it seemed like filing the paperwork and going through with it turned the light bulb on for him. But by then, I had already changed. We aren't friends. We had no children together. My daughter and he stay in touch a little. I see him professionally on occasion. He is a farce to me, I lost all respect for him.
Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 He is a farce to me, I lost all respect for him. Can understand how this would be so. So sad. But, glad you were able to move on and recover! 1
Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I had done the 180 during the separation without even knowing I did it. He made changes that I thought were genuine. Yet, here we are. So sorry it didn't work. Maybe do IC on your own? Not sure if you have time to do so with two young children.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Do you have the means to leave if you decided to? I'm asking because sometimes feeling trapped, epecially with small kids, makes everything harder. At the time, no. This year has been a tough one. When we separated our first child was 14 months old and I moved to a city that offered me a great job. Unfortunately, I just watched my department and the facility pack up and leave the country. 300 people laid off. Been a tough one.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 So sorry it didn't work. Maybe do IC on your own? Not sure if you have time to do so with two young children. I think that IC will be my next move. To find the right one for me. 1
2sure Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 That's not good! It probably contributes to your indecision and unhappiness too, of course. Have to make a plan, make some changes, with an eye on a near future when your decision can be based solely on what you want to do, not what you need to do.
drifter777 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I think that IC will be my next move. To find the right one for me. For where you are at, emotionally, I really think IC is the best option facing you. So many BS's connect their personal recovery to the reconciliation effort and that is rarely going to help them heal from the betrayal. Getting stuck when real, gut-level anger and contempt start to bubble up is when the rubber meets the road. You need help to find the best path for your personal recovery and that might mean divorce. That may frighten you, deep down, but you need to keep moving forward or continue the suffering you are currently stuck in. 2
janedoe67 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I have no doubt that my H has doubts and regrets and still doesn't know what he WANTS to do. And I don't blame him - I betrayed him physically and emotionally in the most reviled of ways. He has made no promises, and I do not have a right to expect any. One thing I do know about him because I know his character. When push comes to shove, he will either stay with me as a husband and an equal partner and thereby commit to moving on.....or he will realize he cannot and leave. He has said more than once that he will either be fully married or fully divorced. Meaning that he is not wired to stay so that he can keep me around to punish and continually remind of my "less-ness." That is one of the reasons I so admire him. If he is going to stay he wants to be a loving and unbitter husband, and if he cannot do that, he will spare us BOTH the torture and have enough integrity to leave. That to me speaks volumes about the kind of man he has chosen to be,
ladydesigner Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 When I finally decided to leave my husband, It was because I knew I would always wonder and never feel safe with him. I could forgive him but he had proven to me that , he was not to be trusted. I wanted to stay, I couldn't. After each DDay, he was sorry, we did MC, we did the work. But it was going through the motions, learning the language , him trying to be different, but inside he never changed. This is very close to how I feel. My trust is building with transparency, but it's hard. I actually get physical symptoms anytime I have a trigger. Not good . He is trying though and being patient. If I experience another DDay indifference is most likely where I'll be. I've sort of given up on the notion that we'll be together forever, of course I'd like that, but I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. 2
melenkurion Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Water under the bridge now, but I do regret ending the relationship when I first discovered that he had cheated. He was very remorseful, and I thought that was the end of it. A couple of years after that, we entered into a civil partnership. I'd rather not have done that, since he cheated again, and left.
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