Journee Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Journee, Don't give in to a revenge A. It only lowers you to us waywards level. Its not that nice down here despite what many non repentive waywards say. I do not think I'm better than my husband. That I'm stronger or superior. That he is beneath me. I still love him like mad. I'm just destroyed after this last go around. I'm not taking slams at all waywards. Just the one I can't get out of my heart. 2
Journee Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Oh Journee I wish I could give you a ((hug))I know exactly the frustration and anger you feel as I identified with all of your post, only difference is I did have the revenge affair. My WH likes to use that to his advantage now in A arguments. I know A's should never be compared, but my WH is like 3 to 1 here and the last one he fell in love with. Also I let myself use and be used by someone else. It's better to leave and get ourselves healthy again. I have decided to give my serial cheating WH one last chance because he knows he has issues. I have in the meantime just been focusing on myself, going out with my friends, doing stuff with my kids, kickboxing, surfing, etc. I am living my life to the fullest right now and I don't even need my WH to do that. Establishing my own independence from him and breaking away from our co-dependency is what has helped me the most. As most say living well is the best revenge, it is so true. I know you are right. I guess I just can't get this out of my head. I fantasize about meeting someone that will be faithful and whom I will be enough for. I wonder what that is like. This makes me regret falling back into this hell. Shoulda ,woulda , coulda. Then of course reading here often times doesn't help. I'm sorry for my ranting today. I really am just in a funk.
manticore Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Journee, Don't give in to a revenge A. It only lowers you to us waywards level. Its not that nice down here despite what many non repentive waywards say. Hi Coolit i read you history but i dont have something clear, the same night you had the three some arrenged by the wife is when he was drunk and the xmm did the finger thing or you angaged your affair in multiple ocassions? and about the revenge, ifyout husband in a bad day retialates with revenge se with some else could you live with it or it will cause another irreparable scar?
HopingAgain Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I definitely am regretting it more and more. I feel like I'm allowing changes within myself that are not healthy. I see so many wayward's so concerned with their AP being with someone else that it makes me ill. Do they believe that they are their BS's only option? Are they concerned at all that their BS could just as easily fall into the lap of their 'soul mate'? Does my H feel like the cheaters here? If so, then I'm much more prepared to rock his world. The arrogance and total disregard for the BS is crazy. You think a BS couldn't leave your cheating arse? You think they couldn't find a lover as well? What's keeping me from seeking some of that good ol' validation and affair sex I hear so much about? I could use some sweet words and good lay myself. I could use constant communication and hotel stays without the kids. Maybe the next time a man croons to me about my beauty I should lap it up. I think after dealing with the crap H has done I deserve it. Right? Isn't that what the wayward thinks? They deserve or earned the strange because of blah blah. I'm sorry for the rant. I'm dying over here. When I mention a cheater or wayward I'mbeing passive aggressive. I'm really only referring to my darling H. I'm not happy but going through the motions. Plenty of anger and thoughts of revenge. Like real leaning toward revenge. I might need talking down off of this ledge. I know the thoughts of revenge are so tempting. But trust me, the trade off isn't worth it in the long run. In the short term you'd be getting some great sex, fun, and ego strokes and loads of validation. Plus the satisfaction of knowing you got back at your WH. But then you will feel guilt. You will feel cheap. And you will have compromised your morals and values along with knowing you allowed WH to have enough power over you to prompt you to sleep with someone else. And if you develop feelings for your lover then there's that to contend with, as now an innocent persons been dragged into the revenge plot. I lived that scenario years ago and its not worth it!
Coolit Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Hi Coolit i read you history but i dont have something clear, the same night you had the three some arrenged by the wife is when he was drunk and the xmm did the finger thing or you angaged your affair in multiple ocassions? and about the revenge, ifyout husband in a bad day retialates with revenge se with some else could you live with it or it will cause another irreparable scar? The threesome was the first physicl contact we had. We had been talking dirty for a while already (about a month). We had another threesome 2 weeks after. Only talk was inbetween that. After the second one xMM be ame more familiar with me. He even kissed me sober. Two weeks after the last threesome, his wife called of the chance of future threesomes. I wanted to cancel going on the camping trip because i was very confused as to what behaviour he had with me had been between us and what she knew. She convinced me to go. I thought it was over and actually felt relief in some sense because the double life was wearing on me. That weekend we fooled around under our spouse's noses. Literally. That was when he fingered me. We had snuck off and had sex and then he did that. After that I started sneaking anti anxiety meds. As to my H. He wouldn't have a revenge A. He isn't a vengeful person. But if he did I would feel sad that what I did to him turned him into someone he is not.
Journee Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I know the thoughts of revenge are so tempting. But trust me, the trade off isn't worth it in the long run. In the short term you'd be getting some great sex, fun, and ego strokes and loads of validation. Plus the satisfaction of knowing you got back at your WH. But then you will feel guilt. You will feel cheap. And you will have compromised your morals and values along with knowing you allowed WH to have enough power over you to prompt you to sleep with someone else. And if you develop feelings for your lover then there's that to contend with, as now an innocent persons been dragged into the revenge plot. I lived that scenario years ago and its not worth it! Rationally I know this. Emotionally the thought of being with someone new who would not do this to me is tempting. I guess in my eyes the greatest revenge would be for me to commit to someone else. Not just start an A with them. I don't know. I'm so confused. Sick part is the only person I want is still my H. Knowing that I'm not that to H is heartbreaking. I wouldn't want put someone through the pain I see on the other board. I feel very powerless and I don't know how to get right. There is no way to know if someone else wouldn't end up cheating on me too. Might as well stay where I'm at.
manticore Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 As to my H. He wouldn't have a revenge A. He isn't a vengeful person. But if he did I would feel sad that what I did to him turned him into someone he is not. i really hope he does not, it seems that you had a nice love story and you really love each other, and even if a dont justifie affairs i can easily understand how you were craving for physical staisfaction with just 5 times in one year time, but the true is that affairs change the BS forever (more in the husband´s case) sometimes they become control maniacs, some times they just stop giving a crap for the marrige a focus in children (living i a loveless relationchip), sometimes they become verbally a phisical abusives (even with otu prior record of this), some times they become cheaters themselves, sometime they just leave a reestar they life. for what i had read and taking in consideration when your affair took place he is still in the FOG figuring out what happened, how did it turn like that, what did he do wrong, he should hang out with them or hate them and take them out of yours life, he is still i a limbo state with a trace of sadness. Some times take years for the actual change to happend, it have been cases where the BS five (or more) years later change or leave because the bother has been piling out in his head after years by seeing the people involved. i hope he does not he sounds like a really nice person, but his way of reacting seems like he still dont come to realize all that really happened as he still want to hang out with them as couple. better of the lucks with the full R. i hope
HopingAgain Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Rationally I know this. Emotionally the thought of being with someone new who would not do this to me is tempting. I guess in my eyes the greatest revenge would be for me to commit to someone else. Not just start an A with them. I don't know. I'm so confused. Sick part is the only person I want is still my H. Knowing that I'm not that to H is heartbreaking. I wouldn't want put someone through the pain I see on the other board. I feel very powerless and I don't know how to get right. There is no way to know if someone else wouldn't end up cheating on me too. Might as well stay where I'm at. You know, I can so relate to what you're experiencing right now. It sucks that we can't just fall in love with someone else and magically be over the man who betrayed us. But life doesn't work that way, unfortunately. No matter what, you have to go through the pain in order to get to the other side. And no, you definitely DON'T want the added pain of knowing you have helped to hurt another innocent woman. Sometimes I think about that saying "The Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't." And it rings true in this type of situation at times. There is absolutely no guarantee that any future partner would not cheat as well. If you still love your H and think he is making change and capable of fidelity in the future, why not do the work instead of throwing in the towel and starting all over? It is disheartening to move on to a new relationship and be cheated on by yet another partner. That happened to me and it did make me reevaluate if I gave up on my 1st marriage too quickly and easily. So I sure can see where you are coming from. 3
2sure Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My WS and I were not able to reconcile. He cheated more than once but I stayed because I knew he had a problem within himself, not with me. After another DDay though...I became Indifferent. Indifferent ...is harder to reconcile than anger and hurt, so I divorced him. But I'm posting this because ...even if you divorce, you still have to come to terms with everything. You still have to recover the ability to trust yourself and others. Leaving doesn't heal you in itself. I would tell anyone though...get your ducks in order. It's a better place for you to make decisions from if you know that if you want to leave, you can. 4
RightThere Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My WS and I were not able to reconcile. He cheated more than once but I stayed because I knew he had a problem within himself, not with me. After another DDay though...I became Indifferent. Indifferent ...is harder to reconcile than anger and hurt, so I divorced him. Did you know/find out each instance as it happened. Or did you find out about multiple affairs at once? I ask because I've found out about multiple affairs all at once. I've been looking at it as all the same stretch of bad times (if that makes any sense).
2sure Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Did you know/find out each instance as it happened. Or did you find out about multiple affairs at once? I ask because I've found out about multiple affairs all at once. I've been looking at it as all the same stretch of bad times (if that makes any sense). We weren't even married yet when they started, and the first DDay was about one year in. Second two years later. They were both multiple affairs. He was a true serial cheater. He cheated because he needed constant new validation. Some people require this kind of validation during stress or crisis, some like him, all the time.
dichotomy Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) I have no regrets. My decision was well considered, an imaginative but reasoned exercise in predicative quantum multiverses. This choice, this decision, created the most acceptable, least unpleasant, universe for me to live in. It could be worse, in fact I knew it would be based on all other choices and likely outcomes- which of course, according to quantum string theory - means I did make those choices and I exist those alternate universes as well. In other words I choose what looked like the least bumpy trail ...at the fork in the road. Maybe another fork will come up again, and I will have to make another choice then. Edited September 4, 2013 by dichotomy 1
drifter777 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Rationally I know this. Emotionally the thought of being with someone new who would not do this to me is tempting. I guess in my eyes the greatest revenge would be for me to commit to someone else. Not just start an A with them. I don't know. I'm so confused. Sick part is the only person I want is still my H. Knowing that I'm not that to H is heartbreaking. I wouldn't want put someone through the pain I see on the other board. I feel very powerless and I don't know how to get right. There is no way to know if someone else wouldn't end up cheating on me too. Might as well stay where I'm at. You need to discuss this with your counselor. If you don't have one then I suggest you get one and start working on your own recovery. Things are likely to stay stuck in your reconciliation until you pay attention to your own true emotions. 2
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) You know, I can so relate to what you're experiencing right now. It sucks that we can't just fall in love with someone else and magically be over the man who betrayed us. But life doesn't work that way, unfortunately. No matter what, you have to go through the pain in order to get to the other side. And no, you definitely DON'T want the added pain of knowing you have helped to hurt another innocent woman. Sometimes I think about that saying "The Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't." And it rings true in this type of situation at times. There is absolutely no guarantee that any future partner would not cheat as well. If you still love your H and think he is making change and capable of fidelity in the future, why not do the work instead of throwing in the towel and starting all over? It is disheartening to move on to a new relationship and be cheated on by yet another partner. That happened to me and it did make me reevaluate if I gave up on my 1st marriage too quickly and easily. So I sure can see where you are coming from. I guess for me I just can't get the thought of moving on out of my mind. . I was not for one minute thinking of about beginning a relationship with a MM. I really have been thinking of starting fresh with someone new. This has been a decade and three women (that I know of). It's too much. What you said about the Devil you know..... is so accurate it hurts. Edited September 5, 2013 by Journee
HopingAgain Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 n I guess for me I just can't get the thought of moving on out of my mind. . I was not for one minute thinking of about beginning a relationship with MM. I really have been thinking of starting fresh with someone new. This has beena decade and three women (that I know of). It's too much. What you said about the Devil you know..... is so accurate it hurts. You certainly deserve a man who can be faithful to you and will be faithful to you! And if you feel that you don't want to take the risk with your WH anymore than that is ok, too. It's so important to not allow fear to hold you back from happiness. I know that is easier said than done, believe me. Fear of the unknown and just the reality that it could happen again with someone new that you've grown to trust is very sobering. I think sometimes in a relationship that has been hit with infidelity there does come a point where you just want a fresh start with someone you won't just automatically be worried about cheating in the back of your mind, where you can just relax and enjoy being together without knowing that this is a person capable of hurting you. I've been thinking about this recently and I am certain this is part of the reason it is said that reconciliation is not for the faint hearted. It really takes so much inner strength and resolve to climb the hurdles of our memories of what happened, and to find new purpose and life in the relationship and move forward without resentment or anger, or doubts.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 You need to discuss this with your counselor. If you don't have one then I suggest you get one and start working on your own recovery. Things are likely to stay stuck in your reconciliation until you pay attention to your own true emotions. No counselor at the moment. I was seeing one but she was just not the right fit. I have done a lot of reading and self reflection but to be honest I don't know how "in" I really am right now. How much I really even want to reconcile. I do need to sort things out for myself though. Not just for right now but for my future. For any hope in having the kind if relationship I desire and deserve. I'll get it together one day.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) You certainly deserve a man who can be faithful to you and will be faithful to you! And if you feel that you don't want to take the risk with your WH anymore than that is ok, too. It's so important to not allow fear to hold you back from happiness. I know that is easier said than done, believe me. Fear of the unknown and just the reality that it could happen again with someone new that you've grown to trust is very sobering. I think sometimes in a relationship that has been hit with infidelity there does come a point where you just want a fresh start with someone you won't just automatically be worried about cheating in the back of your mind, where you can just relax and enjoy being together without knowing that this is a person capable of hurting you. I've been thinking about this recently and I am certain this is part of the reason it is said that reconciliation is not for the faint hearted. It really takes so much inner strength and resolve to climb the hurdles of our memories of what happened, and to find new purpose and life in the relationship and move forward without resentment or anger, or doubts. Thank you Hoping. This is exactly where I am at. Daydreaming about true monogamy. Sexual and emotional fidelity. Not having to trigger when passing a certain hotel chain. Not questioning every moment of my life since college. If every second that he loved me was deceiving me. If there was always someone else and I was only sharp enough to catch him three times. I thought I was strong enough the first and second times. This third one all but drug me behind a horse. There is nothing left. Edited September 5, 2013 by Journee
2sure Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Thank you Hoping. This is exactly where I am at. Daydreaming about true monogamy. Sexual and emotional fidelity. Not having to trigger when passing a certain hotel chain. Not questioning every moment of my life since college. If every second that he loved me was deceiving me. If there was always someone else and I was only sharp enough to catch him three times. I thought I was strong enough the first and second times. This third one all but drug me behind a horse. There is nothing left. I lived this, it's hard, I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with. 1
Spark1111 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Staying is perhaps my single biggest regret in life. I 'stayed for the kids'. We were together for 14 more years after she cheated. She played all the games. Gaslighted, lied, never would come completely clean. Still won't. Even to herself maybe. We eventually divorced after the kids moved away. It was NOT worth it. At all. Maybe my weakness, but I never forgave her completely. Never forgave myself for staying. My boys had a bad example at home too. We just weren't happy together. We didn't argue much. Just were kind of 'checked out' for years. Limbo sucks. Fix it or break it for good. In between is a recipe for disaster and wasted years. Thank you Hoping. This is exactly where I am at. Daydreaming about true monogamy. Sexual and emotional fidelity. Not having to trigger when passing a certain hotel chain. Not questioning every moment of my life since college. If every second that he loved me was deceiving me. If there was always someone else and I was only sharp enough to catch him three times. I thought I was strong enough the first and second times. This third one all but drug me behind a horse. There is nothing left. THIS is a common fantasy, wish, hope for amongst the betrayed: a decent, kind man who would NEVER lie or betray me. I told my H this, often, during our R, that it was where my feelings and thinking were going from time to time. Do you? I needed, more than anything, to feel safe with a partner. 1
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I lived this, it's hard, I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with. Thank you 2sure.
2sure Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 When I finally decided to leave my husband, It was because I knew I would always wonder and never feel safe with him. I could forgive him but he had proven to me that , he was not to be trusted. I wanted to stay, I couldn't. After each DDay, he was sorry, we did MC, we did the work. But it was going through the motions, learning the language , him trying to be different, but inside he never changed.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 THIS is a common fantasy, wish, hope for amongst the betrayed: a decent, kind man who would NEVER lie or betray me. I told my H this, often, during our R, that it was where my feelings and thinking were going from time to time. Do you? I needed, more than anything, to feel safe with a partner. I do tell him. More and more. He says he understands and when he was betrayed by an ex he stayed until he couldn't any longer. That he would understand why I would end things. I don't know why I think that response sucks. I feel like he gives up in those moments. How conflicting for me to feel like this , yet want him to fight for me at the same time. I feel like a crazy person. He then becomes very loving and affectionate but so what... Color me confused.
Journee Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 When I finally decided to leave my husband, It was because I knew I would always wonder and never feel safe with him. I could forgive him but he had proven to me that , he was not to be trusted. I wanted to stay, I couldn't. After each DDay, he was sorry, we did MC, we did the work. But it was going through the motions, learning the language , him trying to be different, but inside he never changed. I tell my husband this too. That I honestly don't feel I will ever trust him. Never. That I don't have the energy for it again. I have a preschooler and a 9 month old. I don't have time for this crap. I know it will happen again. He would cheat on anyone he would ever be with. He has never been faithful to anyone. It's not me. It's him. Were you still in love with your ex husband when you decided to divorce? I sometimes wonder if I were to end things if I would ever stop loving him in the romantic way I do.
Speakingofwhich Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Journee, have you ever separated from your H after a D day? I think they call it on here the 180 or something. Maybe that would be an idea for you.
2sure Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I tell my husband this too. That I honestly don't feel I will ever trust him. Never. That I don't have the energy for it again. I have a preschooler and a 9 month old. I don't have time for this crap. I know it will happen again. He would cheat on anyone he would ever be with. He has never been faithful to anyone. It's not me. It's him. Were you still in love with your ex husband when you decided to divorce? I sometimes wonder if I were to end things if I would ever stop loving him in the romantic way I do. Yes, I loved him, I adored him. I still love who I wanted him to be. But it became I didn't love who I was with him anymore.
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