Does anyone feel sorry that they stayed after D day

[vera345]

I have a question to people who were in my situation. I am a BS, 10 years of marriage, one kid. H had an EA and became very emotionally detached from me. He still has feelings for ow and going through withdrawal.

We went through several times when he tried to stop his A, and later I discovered that he didnt. I served him with divorce papers and now I finally see some remorse and real efforts to work on a marriage.

 

 

The problem is that now I have my doubts whether I need to stay and try to reconcile or walk away. I am afraid that I will be in the same situation several years from now. There is no guarantee that he won't do it again. I frequently think that it may be the best for me to walk away and start with someone new who didnt betray me. However, I still have feelings for my H and my love didnt go away after A

 

 

 

 

My question is to BS who stayed in a marriage after A. Did any of you feel that it was a wrong decision? If yes- why? If no- why not?

How do you overcome and forget what happened? How do you get over your thoughts that if WS did it to you maybe he/she is not right for you in a first place?

[Journee]

I am finding that I regret not getting out when my H first revealed himself as cheater. We are on our third go around. Three women in nearly ten years. I'm not even thirty yet. Who has time for this? I can't forgive and could not possibly forget. Honestly, I will probably carry this with me into any other relationship I could ever have. I no longer believe in forever.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It's a crap situation to be put in. Especially when the wayward is not remorseful. I'm in a bad place right now so my vote for all BS at this point is to cut and run. The pain is that intense.

 

I wish you the best in your healing.

[whatatangledweb]

No, I have never regretted it. Why? Because I love him. He loves me and he is very remorseful for what he did. He goes beyond what is needed in order to make me feel loved and to show me that he is grateful I gave him a second chance. I had alot to work through the first year..would he do it again? was I second choice? why should I stay with a cheater and a liar?

 

I watch his actions and he continues to prove to me that I did the right thing.

[Coolit]

The thing is... No one has a crystal ball that knows what will happen. By uour other post your H hasn't sounded truly remorseful... But if you have seen a change in him then you need to make a decision based on the best education you can. Learning what a truly remorseful spouse looks like. And even that is no guarantee because we cannot control other people, only ourselves.

 

Stay and chance being betrayed again.

Leave and wonder if maybe you should have stayed and possibly be betrayed by someone else.

 

Affairs suck. They suck the life and spirit out of everyone involved.

[RavenWolf]

I regret staying. My husband has had several affairs after the first, even though we went to counseling, he promised he wouldn't, etc.

 

I am now currently dealing with his latest betrayal, which has somehow flipped a switch on my emotions and I literally no longer care about him. Now I'm just upset that I "wasted" so many years on a man that couldn't stay faithful.

 

I do think he married the wrong person. I am/was not his type. Ever. I think he just wanted to be married and didn't really care to who. Maybe I'm the "right" person for someone, but I know it isn't him.

 

Hugs

[Zenstudent]

I regret that I didn't kick her out on D-day, so that she wouldn't take me for granted any more - it would have made a difference in the aftermath, I believe.

 

All in all 2½ years after, I still question my choice to stay. Each day is different and I still keep the leaving option open for myself. I get strength from this knowledge.

[ladydesigner]

Every day I give myself the option to stay or to leave and knowing that helps me the most. It is day by day for me. My WH has had multiple A's and I didn't address it or lay down any consequences until this last A he had with MOW. I will never be the same person again, I know this and my WH is struggling with this. I may forgive him one day if he can prove that he is not the monster he turned out to be. I will never forget though.

 

I don't regret having stayed because I was not 100% sure about D. We have 2 little ones that love their daddy very much and I still love him too. The one question my IC asked me that always haunts me, is love enough? I'm not sure.

[oldshirt]

I have a little bit different spin on this for a little different perspective but first I need to say that to my best knowledge I have never been cheated on since I've been married (knock on wood) although I was cheated on by a couple different long-term girlfriends that I was very serious about back in my youth.

 

In the cases of the girlfriends, with one I bent over backwards and did backflips to try to keep and in retrospect I somewhat regret it and somewhat don't. I probably should have walked away but as it worked out, I ultimately won out over her OM and we went on to have about another good six months (which when you're 18, that's a pretty long time LOL) However when she started getting restless and started to wander again and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, I let her go as I was getting pretty disillusioned myself and man am I ever glad I did.

 

But where I am really wanting to go with this is I have another perspective and a different spin on this subject that may or may not help. And that is when I was in my mid-upper 20s I was involved with a woman for several years. She was on paper a woman that I thought was "the one" but I did not "feel" the love after about six months or so.

 

But she was nice and stable and was a good person and treated me well. At about the 7-8 month mark I cheated on her with a couple women....and got caught after awhile (she only found out about 1)

 

I did feel terrible and crawled through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to try to reconcile and win back her love. I did accomplish that but approx a year or so later I started cheating again.... and eventually got caught again.

 

And again I tried and succeeded in reconciling....

 

But that is the time I regretted it. In time the R died a natural death and we went our separate ways but looking back now 20+ years later, I wish I had taken the dumping the first time I strayed. That should have been my sign that I wasn't meant to be in that R with that person.

 

I felt I owed it to her to make it up to her and felt like it was my "duty" to be a better BF and to work things out after I had dropped the ball.

 

Now keep in mind we weren't married and there were no kids involved so take that all with a grain of salt, but from my perspective as the Wayward, I do regret reconciling after Dday. I think it kept both of us from moving forward to bigger and better things sooner.

[vera345]

I am just not sure what is the right decision for me. We had many good years together and toddler. But he hurt me a lot, and I am thinking now if he loved me he wouldn't do what he did to me and wouldn't cause so much pain.

I also wonder that if he didnt think I am the one for him, maybe he is not right for me too. I am in my middle thirties and if I leave now I still have a chance to have a family with someone else. This opportunity closes with every year.

But then there is a part of me that thinks maybe he made a big mistake and even good people make mistakes sometimes. And then I think that I should stay with him through this and we will be happy again.

I have all these thoughts 24/7. I wish there would be some way for me to find out what he really thinks.

He didnt start to fight for his marriage until I served him with divorce papers and tried to convince me that his EA is real feelings. I often felt like he lost his mind

[Coolit]

I love my husband very much and cheated. Many on here will argue I didn't but I did. BUT, I cheated just for the thril and sex. Not an EA. Your H actually wanted out. That is a hard one. Well they all are but i know what you mean.

 

Don't leave to find someone better!!! Leave to be strong and get strong on your own. If you leave and fall into another R right away you will only carry the demons with you. You've got baggage now. That's why most people want to burn us WSs at the stake. Because our actions leave a huge gaping wound that if not cared for properly can always stay raw an there. And at best heal leaving a scar for the rest of their life.

[HopingAgain]

I'm still undecided. So far reconcilation is going ok and he SEEMS to be doing all the right things and I feel great about it some days, not so sure on other days. But it has been less than a year for us, so time will tell.

[Confused48]

Yes and no.

 

Sometimes I can't imagine continuing to live if I don't have WS in my life. If I don't wake up next to WS every morning I'd rather be dead.

 

Then again I think of what WS did and can't stand to be even in the same room with WS. The sight of WS makes me sick to my stomach.

[Spark1111]

No! No regrets at all.

 

packed his bags, changed the locks, called the D attorney, and wishesd them well.

 

it lasted all of three weeks. He stared calling, texting, stalking, and begging me back....every step of the way.

 

I was madder than a wet hornet.

 

He elected to go to IC, MC and instituted NC on his own. He showed remorse, wined, dined me and entertained all my crazies for a long, long, time.

 

Even so, I gave myself permission to decide NOT to decide anything for a long, long time and I told him so.

 

I told him love and counseling would not be enough. I told him I was unsure if I would be able to trust him again. I was doubly unsure if I would ever be able to RESPECT him again. I was always brutally honest with him...every step of the way....

 

We forged a new and improved relationship, forged in fire and hammered in steel.

 

I'm glad, TODAY, I stayed.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Even so, I gave myself permission to decide NOT to decide anything for a long, long time and I told him so.

 

I told him love and counseling would not be enough. I told him I was unsure if I would be able to trust him again. I was doubly unsure if I would ever be able to RESPECT him again. I was always brutally honest with him...every step of the way....

 

We forged a new and improved relationship, forged in fire and hammered in steel.

 

I'm glad, TODAY, I stayed.

 

^ ^ Same here.

 

I moved forward with reconciliation but kept my option to divorce on the table for several years. There were times long after D-day that I considered divorce but remained committed to reconciliation.

 

Because I kept the option of divorce open for so long and was prepared to do so, I'm prepared mentally and emotionally to go down that road if future circumstances warrant it.

 

I don't feel sorry that I stayed.

[Pastypop]

I kind of regret reconciliation. We got married young and I only did so to get out my abusive mother's house. It was fun until I decided to have the kids he wanted. Been pretty miserable since. There are so many things that I wanted to do like get my masters, travel, contract work that consisted of a lot travel and just have the freedom to achieve more. I've done pretty good for myself career wise but, have always hated the city he moved us to and currently hate my job. We were going to get divorced after two years of marriage and I asked him to stay until I could support myself. I was able to that within 8 months of that conversation and really appreciate that conversation because it made me realize that I wasn't the stupid loser my mother always told me that I was. At that point, he decided that he wanted to stay married. Can't decide if I should just count down the days until the kids are finally gone or call a recruiter and get a job in city I like and just let the chips fall. Got a lot to think about.

[jnel921]

I don't regret my choice to stay with my H. healing takes time, we will both hurt for a while. We are working through it. we made this choice together.

we have to focus on the future of our relationship going forward. The OW is history.

[ladydesigner]

^ ^ Same here.

 

I moved forward with reconciliation but kept my option to divorce on the table for several years. There were times long after D-day that I considered divorce but remained committed to reconciliation.

 

Because I kept the option of divorce open for so long and was prepared to do so, I'm prepared mentally and emotionally to go down that road if future circumstances warrant it.

 

I don't feel sorry that I stayed.

 

 

It's good to read the bolded. I feel the same and was wondering if I was insane. It's so difficult to reconcile, it really is.

[drifter777]

I regret my choice to take back my cheating wife and pray every day that I could go back in time and do the right thing - walk away from her. At least that would have been the right thing for me, but my fear of destroying my family, my fear of rejection and abandonment, and my lack of self-esteem all combined to fool me into thinking that time would heal. Add to this the BS shock of the d-day revelation and the emotional nightmare that it starts and you have the recipe for false forgiveness and a life of regret. It ate away at me slowly, for years, and by the time it finally exploded I felt it was too late to do anything about. My fear of being alone and my codependence have convinced me that it would be wrong to punish her now because of what she did to me decades ago. It keeps me with her, although I will never forgive her for cheating or me for not leaving.

[Journee]

I regret my choice to take back my cheating wife and pray every day that I could go back in time and do the right thing - walk away from her. At least that would have been the right thing for me, but my fear of destroying my family, my fear of rejection and abandonment, and my lack of self-esteem all combined to fool me into thinking that time would heal. Add to this the BS shock of the d-day revelation and the emotional nightmare that it starts and you have the recipe for false forgiveness and a life of regret. It ate away at me slowly, for years, and by the time it finally exploded I felt it was too late to do anything about. My fear of being alone and my codependence have convinced me that it would be wrong to punish her now because of what she did to me decades ago. It keeps me with her, although I will never forgive her for cheating or me for not leaving.

 

 

 

My biggest fear right here. I wonder if WS's realize that these thoughts cross our minds. That all is not always well. That what they did will never be forgotten. I'm not going to be able to romanticize this into us being stronger and blah blah. I don't feel it. Some waywards keep up affairs for years and like mine , have multiple "mistakes".

 

This A muck really does exacerbate any insecurities and codependency that exists prior. H and I have struggled with it as individuals and a couple.

[Rager50]

I regret reconciliation. At the time, and for a decent amount of time after his one night stand, I really believed that his behavior was so completely out of character that it wouldn't be repeated. I believed all his apologies and promises and everything. I wanted to; I loved him. Divorce is unheard of in my family. But, over the past year especially, I've come to believe that the behaviors that led to his one night stand (selfishness, last of impulse control, inability to take responsibility for his actions, dishonesty/self-delusion, etc.) actually ARE his character. And I'm 8 months pregnant. Completely trapped, at least for now. I wish, with all of my being, that I left him the night I found out. Some people can work through it - they have my utmost respect and admiration. I've come to the conclusion that my husband doesn't want to be married either, but he can't afford to get rid of his number one blame target (that would be me). With no one to blame for his poor decisions - well, he'd have to start looking into the mirror, wouldn't he? Can't have that. So I'm going to spend part of my maternity leave looking for a divorce lawyer and moving money around so that the kid and I are stable when I leave. Not the future I envisioned the day we got married, but I also didn't think I was marrying an adulterer who can no longer keep his lies straight during a single conversation.

[ladydesigner]

he can't afford to get rid of his number one blame target (that would be me). With no one to blame for his poor decisions - well, he'd have to start looking into the mirror, wouldn't he? Can't have that.

 

Oh man I lol'd when I saw this I was the blame target too. I have also realized my WH's A's happened as a result of his personality disorder. It has been pointed out to my WH in IC, he sees that his FOO (family of origin) issues played a huge role. My WH has an extremely difficult time looking at himself unfortunately he has to face himself if he wants this M.

[notbroken]

Staying is perhaps my single biggest regret in life. I 'stayed for the kids'. We were together for 14 more years after she cheated. She played all the games. Gaslighted, lied, never would come completely clean. Still won't. Even to herself maybe. We eventually divorced after the kids moved away. It was NOT worth it. At all. Maybe my weakness, but I never forgave her completely. Never forgave myself for staying. My boys had a bad example at home too. We just weren't happy together. We didn't argue much. Just were kind of 'checked out' for years. Limbo sucks. Fix it or break it for good. In between is a recipe for disaster and wasted years.

[Journee]

I definitely am regretting it more and more. I feel like I'm allowing changes within myself that are not healthy.

 

I see so many wayward's so concerned with their AP being with someone else that it makes me ill. Do they believe that they are their BS's only option? Are they concerned at all that their BS could just as easily fall into the lap of their 'soul mate'? Does my H feel like the cheaters here? If so, then I'm much more prepared to rock his world. The arrogance and total disregard for the BS is crazy. You think a BS couldn't leave your cheating arse? You think they couldn't find a lover as well?

 

What's keeping me from seeking some of that good ol' validation and affair sex I hear so much about? I could use some sweet words and good lay myself. I could use constant communication and hotel stays without the kids.

 

Maybe the next time a man croons to me about my beauty I should lap it up. I think after dealing with the crap H has done I deserve it. Right? Isn't that what the wayward thinks? They deserve or earned the strange because of blah blah.

 

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm dying over here. When I mention a cheater or wayward I'mbeing passive aggressive. I'm really only referring to my darling H.

 

I'm not happy but going through the motions. Plenty of anger and thoughts of revenge. Like real leaning toward revenge. I might need talking down off of this ledge.

[Coolit]

Journee,

 

Don't give in to a revenge A. It only lowers you to us waywards level. Its not that nice down here despite what many non repentive waywards say.

[ladydesigner]

I definitely am regretting it more and more. I feel like I'm allowing changes within myself that are not healthy.

 

I see so many wayward's so concerned with their AP being with someone else that it makes me ill. Do they believe that they are their BS's only option? Are they concerned at all that their BS could just as easily fall into the lap of their 'soul mate'? Does my H feel like the cheaters here? If so, then I'm much more prepared to rock his world. The arrogance and total disregard for the BS is crazy. You think a BS couldn't leave your cheating arse? You think they couldn't find a lover as well?

 

What's keeping me from seeking some of that good ol' validation and affair sex I hear so much about? I could use some sweet words and good lay myself. I could use constant communication and hotel stays without the kids.

 

Maybe the next time a man croons to me about my beauty I should lap it up. I think after dealing with the crap H has done I deserve it. Right? Isn't that what the wayward thinks? They deserve or earned the strange because of blah blah.

 

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm dying over here. When I mention a cheater or wayward I'mbeing passive aggressive. I'm really only referring to my darling H.

 

I'm not happy but going through the motions. Plenty of anger and thoughts of revenge. Like real leaning toward revenge. I might need talking down off of this ledge.

 

Oh Journee I wish I could give you a ((hug))I know exactly the frustration and anger you feel as I identified with all of your post, only difference is I did have the revenge affair. My WH likes to use that to his advantage now in A arguments. I know A's should never be compared, but my WH is like 3 to 1 here and the last one he fell in love with. Also I let myself use and be used by someone else.

 

It's better to leave and get ourselves healthy again. I have decided to give my serial cheating WH one last chance because he knows he has issues. I have in the meantime just been focusing on myself, going out with my friends, doing stuff with my kids, kickboxing, surfing, etc. I am living my life to the fullest right now and I don't even need my WH to do that. Establishing my own independence from him and breaking away from our co-dependency is what has helped me the most.

 

As most say living well is the best revenge, it is so true.