My ex gf has been texting...I want her back...but don't know how to proceed

[Jo1980]

History:

- dated for 8 months

- did a few things that upset her (nothing terrible)

- her ex started calling her

- my ex was calling me....and I made the mistake of telling her about some of the intimate things my ex said to me....but I want no part of my ex....I told her bc I thought it was funny....my gf did not agree with me

- our relationship slowed down...she would take 2 days to get back to my calls and texts

 

- I finally drove to her house and basically said...what's going on? ...she mentioned all the things above and said she needed time to sort herself out...and then told me that she told her mother she wouldn't mind being single and living with her

 

I left...broken hearted....but decided I was not going to call her for 30 days. I was equally hurt by the way she treated me at the end....not returning calls...ect. It was tough, but I did it! No contact for 30 days....Then guess what....day 31....she texted me.....it was all friendly stuff...asking about what's going on in my life....we had many texts back and forth that day.....but no I miss u or mushy stuff. The next day....more of the same....initiated by her. The next day more of the same.....initiated by her. However, on the 3rd day...I told her I was going on vacation for the next several days. Her last text was very pleasant. She called me an intimate name.

 

So, I'm back from vacation and back to work now. It has been one week since her last text. I'm dying to contact her and see her, but I'm not sure what to do. I want her back, but I don't want to come across as being too needy and scare her away. Please....I need advice. Thanks

[CptSaveAho]

You dont do anything... shes being a bitch by texting you

 

You fix your inability to be alone and self esteem issues and move forward with your life

[Jo1980]

I don't know that my need to be in a relationship is any greater than average. I've had plenty of girlfriends in my life. However, I've never been as into any past gf they way I'm into her. That's why I want her back. She's beautiful and cool to be with (even when we don't have sex). I've never had as much fun with a girl before as I have with her.

 

 

Maybe she's being a bitch...maybe not. Of course I'm hoping, she contacted me 3 days in a row....wishing that I would try to get back with her. If I wasn't going a vacation, I know I would have broke down and tried to see her again.

[CptSaveAho]

Its what she wants, to see if you will breakdown/not be a man and try and get back together with her

 

why i said shes being a bitch. she wants to know if she still holds power over you even though you arent together anymore

 

guess what trying to get back together with her is going to do, validate that you are a pussy to her and keep her where she is now

[Mariposa10]

Don't beg her, don't look desperate, and I'm sure you'll be fine. Start being friends again, see how everything feels.

 

Good luck.

[Jo1980]

I'm not sure why both of the previous posts suggest that I would beg or cannot tolerate being alone. The deal is.....I love this girl. She's far from the only one I've ever been with, but she's 1,000 times more special to me than any other girl was. She contacted me first 3 days in a row after NC for 30 days. I'm trying to decide if I should ask if she wants to get together....or....keep forcing her to initiate all contact....or should I not ask her out until she says something more solid....like I miss so and want to be with you?

 

Thanks.....I appreciate all posts.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wouldn't be so available. You don't have to answer her every text. Maybe see if she suggests a meetup.

[Mariposa10]

I'm not sure why both of the previous posts suggest that I would beg or cannot tolerate being alone. The deal is.....I love this girl. She's far from the only one I've ever been with, but she's 1,000 times more special to me than any other girl was. She contacted me first 3 days in a row after NC for 30 days. I'm trying to decide if I should ask if she wants to get together....or....keep forcing her to initiate all contact....or should I not ask her out until she says something more solid....like I miss so and want to be with you?

 

Thanks.....I appreciate all posts.

 

I can only speak about the "do not beg" part because you just described how strongly you feel about her, she might not be ready to have a relationship with you right now, and sometimes people beg. This is not personal, it's what most people tend to do, what happens when you beg? you push them away.

 

I think you should treat her as what she is your friend, don't talk about a relationship so fast, take your time since you seem to be serious about this girl. Also, don't play games, the "hard to get" game She is your friend, treat her as your friend if both of you want to have a relationship in the future go ahead. My advice: take things slowly, treat her as a friend, don't play games.

[Jo1980]

I appreciate our advice about being her friend for now, but there is one thing that makes that really difficult for me.....I don't want to be her friend. It was sooooo hard to make it 30 days with NC, but I did it. If my only choices were to never see her again or be her friend, I would choose to never see her again. The reason is that it's too painful to consider that I might see her with someone else someday.

 

One other thing I failed to mention is that she is from South America. When things were good, should was always so excited when I called, and would thank me for calling at the end of every call. However, she never called me or invited me to go anywhere. I'm not 100% certain of this, but I think it's a cultural thing with her that she doesn't think it's the girl's place to call or to ask me on a date. So, I feel I have to do it. I don't think that's begging. So, it seems like she's been reaching out....and I don't want her to feel rejected by me and begin the NC either.

 

If I don't call her or suggest meeting up, I don't think it will happen.

[Mariposa10]

I appreciate our advice about being her friend for now, but there is one thing that makes that really difficult for me.....I don't want to be her friend. It was sooooo hard to make it 30 days with NC, but I did it. If my only choices were to never see her again or be her friend, I would choose to never see her again. The reason is that it's too painful to consider that I might see her with someone else someday.

 

One other thing I failed to mention is that she is from South America. When things were good, should was always so excited when I called, and would thank me for calling at the end of every call. However, she never called me or invited me to go anywhere. I'm not 100% certain of this, but I think it's a cultural thing with her that she doesn't think it's the girl's place to call or to ask me on a date. So, I feel I have to do it. I don't think that's begging. So, it seems like she's been reaching out....and I don't want her to feel rejected by me and begin the NC either.

 

If I don't call her or suggest meeting up, I don't think it will happen.

 

Hey! I'm from Latin America so I think I can help you with this. People from Latin American tend to be more indirect (I had this problem with my ex-boyfriend who is an American). I'm not saying that you shouldn't contact her, I think you should, but take things slowly. You can suggest meeting up, but don't rush things.

 

Why did you guys break up?

[Simon Phoenix]

I appreciate our advice about being her friend for now, but there is one thing that makes that really difficult for me.....I don't want to be her friend. It was sooooo hard to make it 30 days with NC, but I did it. If my only choices were to never see her again or be her friend, I would choose to never see her again. The reason is that it's too painful to consider that I might see her with someone else someday.

 

One other thing I failed to mention is that she is from South America. When things were good, should was always so excited when I called, and would thank me for calling at the end of every call. However, she never called me or invited me to go anywhere. I'm not 100% certain of this, but I think it's a cultural thing with her that she doesn't think it's the girl's place to call or to ask me on a date. So, I feel I have to do it. I don't think that's begging. So, it seems like she's been reaching out....and I don't want her to feel rejected by me and begin the NC either.

 

If I don't call her or suggest meeting up, I don't think it will happen.

 

You shouldn't be worried about her thinking that you rejected her. She rejected you -- it's up to her to make her intentions known. Being afraid of offending her is weak, unattractive behavior on your part. She's the one who cut you loose, it's not your job to be kissing her ass.

[Jo1980]

Hey! I'm from Latin America so I think I can help you with this. People from Latin American tend to be more indirect (I had this problem with my ex-boyfriend who is an American). I'm not saying that you shouldn't contact her, I think you should, but take things slowly. You can suggest meeting up, but don't rush things.

 

Why did you guys break up?

 

To be honest....I wouldn't even say that we officially broke up, but she was behaving like a girl who wanted to....so I called her out on it and she said that she wasn't mad at me and that I didn't do anything wrong. She just had a lot going on at once to deal with...she just needed some time to deal with things. Again, to be honest.....what she said is true. She started a new job working nights, which takes adjusting to.....her ex boyfriend was calling her.....her son's father was calling her telling her that after 7 years of nearly NC or child support....he suddenly wanted to be a father.....then she found out how crazy my ex-wife is....and I she told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to have to deal with her in the future.....which she would have to because I have a child also.

 

So, lots of legitimate stuff to confuse a girl. Still, when she wouldn't return my calls or texts for 2 days....that pissed me off, which is why I came to her and said WTF. After she said she needed time, she said, but call me...text me. I said goodbye to her and I did not call or text for 30 days....then she did.

[Jo1980]

Anytime an ex asks for space/asks for time/does the fade out/says 'maybe some day', etc - these are all 'official' break ups.

 

Just because they don't say "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you" doesn't mean that they didn't dump you.

 

Thanks for the compassionate way u explained that (sarcasm intended).

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for the compassionate way u explained that (sarcasm intended).

 

Meh, she did you a favor by being blunt. My ex didn't actually discuss the breakup with me until a year after it happened and when she did, it just seemed really out of place because I had already came to terms with it, got my own closure and moved past it by the time she talked about it. The point being that closure isn't going to come when you want it, much less at all, so it's best to get to that point on your own. And the fact that my ex didn't tell me she was breaking up with me didn't make it any less of a break.

[Jo1980]

Just giving you a way to see the sh*tstorm before it actually hits. There are loads and loads of ways a person breaks up with you, but the bottom line is, they are inherently all the same. A person is either in or out. There is no half measure. And if they fade away etc, that is still breaking up. And the quicker you recognise that, the quicker the healing process is kick-started.

 

How else should I have put it? It's a break up when they stop caring. Just because they don't say it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

 

I don't think it needed to be put at all. I didn't ask the question. I responded to the question of why we broke up.

[LinkWorshiper]

So, I'm back from vacation and back to work now. It has been one week since her last text. I'm dying to contact her and see her, but I'm not sure what to do. I want her back, but I don't want to come across as being too needy and scare her away. Please....I need advice. Thanks

 

I am in the same boat, kind of. I will tell you what I am doing, but it is a slow process and sometimes it makes you want to just pound your head into a wall. But it seems to be working. And that is just to be honest and supportive, but not going out of your way. She reaches out to you and talks to you, tell her how you feel right then, answer honestly, don't lie or try to run game or think, 'I'll wait 20 minutes to text her, hahaha.' Just do it when you are ready. Sometimes you might have to push a little... see where it gets you and gauge from there accordingly. The idea is to let the other person move at their comfort level. You obviously know where you stand, but if the other person is showing signs of coming around but still needs to get there, I think this is the best way. It also gives you a chance to kind of put your own finger on what exactly is going on in your own heart and head.

 

And that's all I have to say about that

[Jo1980]

I am in the same boat, kind of. I will tell you what I am doing, but it is a slow process and sometimes it makes you want to just pound your head into a wall. But it seems to be working. And that is just to be honest and supportive, but not going out of your way. She reaches out to you and talks to you, tell her how you feel right then, answer honestly, don't lie or try to run game or think, 'I'll wait 20 minutes to text her, hahaha.' Just do it when you are ready. Sometimes you might have to push a little... see where it gets you and gauge from there accordingly. The idea is to let the other person move at their comfort level. You obviously know where you stand, but if the other person is showing signs of coming around but still needs to get there, I think this is the best way. It also gives you a chance to kind of put your own finger on what exactly is going on in your own heart and head.

 

And that's all I have to say about that

 

Thanks for the input.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I am going against the grain. Maybe the direct route.

 

Call her on the phone and invite her out for coffee.

 

No meal, not drinks, not a datey type thing.

 

Be friendly, not needy. See what she says.

 

Don't poor your heart out or anything. But if the conv doesn't flw naturally to the topic...I think saying "I appreciate the calls and your intention to be friendly, but I am not interested in being friends. However, if you are interested in dating let me know. If you are not...respect me enough to let me go"

 

At least you will know.

 

IIWII