Author 365daysgone Posted September 23, 2013 Author Posted September 23, 2013 Her flaking and you putting up with it is like a poor lil puppy that gets the **** kicked out of it but still comes back for more. This ain't healthy, bro. It's just not. You're showing her that she can treat you like **** and can walk all over you and you'll still see her. It's abusive. I understand that but I believe that we are passed that point now. I seen her almost every night for the past week including all of Saturday and Sunday night. I believe her reason for flaking so many times initially. She has no self esteem and was probably terrified or what I'd think of her when we met. I believe I have made progress with her and are passed the constant flaking.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 She came over again Monday and Tuesday without hassle. We went to look at kittens last nigt because she wanted to get me one. She was actually going to pay $200 for one at the pet shop and I told her there is no way I am letting her buy me a kitten. I mean we've essentially known each other for a week and a half...why would she be willing to do that? She doesn't see how nuts this is?!
Lansing Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Dude... That is CRAZY! Also, why the heck are you seeing her EACH AND EVERY day? This isn't going to help you in the long run. Seriously, don't stop meeting new people, she sounds toxic. 1
Skyraider829 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 She came over again Monday and Tuesday without hassle. We went to look at kittens last nigt because she wanted to get me one. She was actually going to pay $200 for one at the pet shop and I told her there is no way I am letting her buy me a kitten. I mean we've essentially known each other for a week and a half...why would she be willing to do that? She doesn't see how nuts this is?! Whoa. She wanted to spend $200 on you? That's too much and too fast, and way too early. Is she clingy? Is she desperate to just have a boyfriend to hang on to for social reasons or what?
Skyraider829 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 Also, why the heck are you seeing her EACH AND EVERY day? This isn't going to help you in the long run. Seriously, don't stop meeting new people, she sounds toxic. I concur. It seems somewhat obsessive.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 It's possible she is desperate. She said she has no self esteem. Even back in my earlier posts, I met get the first time and then like 2 weeks later she invited me to go to that local fair with er and her friends. I said "you don't think it will be weird since I don't know these people and we hardly even know each other?" And she said no. It seemed like she just wanted a guy to go with her, you know? She very likely could be desperate. As for the hanging out, it seems I be all her at this point. I don't offer very often. She makes most of the offers to come over. She bought my cat the collar and treats the other night despite me insisting not to. She doesn't want to me pick her up at her house because she "doesn't want to depend on me". She won't let me take her out for food. I don't know. Definitely some issues. But I do like hanging out with her.
Skyraider829 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 It's possible she is desperate. She said she has no self esteem. Even back in my earlier posts, I met get the first time and then like 2 weeks later she invited me to go to that local fair with er and her friends. I said "you don't think it will be weird since I don't know these people and we hardly even know each other?" And she said no. It seemed like she just wanted a guy to go with her, you know? She very likely could be desperate. In my opinion, self-esteem is something you need to work on yourself for the most part. But she does have an actual interest in a possible boyfriend or friend at least, not just some random guy's arm to hang off of, correct? If she's making that many offers, yes it seems like she really, really is trying to pull you in as either a friend or maybe more. It only seems like that would be the only valid reason for her intense generosity, and if its legitimate than I say you have someone who values your company. Just make sure she isn't emotionally compromised to the point to where it could affect your interpersonal dynamics. If anything, this is me speaking - but being me, I would get fed up of the "don't take me out for dinner because I don't deserve it" bullcrap really quick. I just don't hold out too long with stuff like that. I'm very understanding but when it gets too frequent with no progress I get tired of it. Try helping her regain some self-esteem. Zero self-esteem isn't going to make a relationship at all - it'll break it. If she sees qualities in you that remind of her of when she had such qualities, it will strengthen her esteem, but on the opposite end of the spectrum, if she sees qualities that she didn't have but make her feel that she can't ascertain them, it will drive her esteem lower possibly. Be aware of that. I hope you can help her out as that could be what she's looking for; A friendship, possibly more, so she get her esteem back up and have someone to share things with.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 I agree and I don't think she just wants sex either like was initially thought earlier in this thread. Last night when we got bak from the pet store, she laid down on the couch abd started sleeping and I laid beside her. I started kissing, and one thing led to another where her hand was in my pants ad mine was in hers, but she was tired and it went nowhere. She just laid there with her eyes closed. She told the night she was crying that she is "looking for a relationship". The day she confessed her self esteem issues to me through text she said "i thik youre a really great guy that would never do anything to hurt me. I want a relationship from this or a great friendship". How do you suggest I continue with her? Keep hanging out with her? I think that she comes over so often because she wants that affection. Obviously there must be some interest in me too. Any suggestions on how to continue?
Skyraider829 Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 I agree and I don't think she just wants sex either like was initially thought earlier in this thread. Last night when we got bak from the pet store, she laid down on the couch abd started sleeping and I laid beside her. She could just really want someone to be around and to talk with. Its understandable, and healthy. You should know, being alone with no one besides "just family" to share some activities with and to be able to talk with is hard and not really enjoyable. It seems clear that she is yearning this. Yearning it with you. She told the night she was crying that she is "looking for a relationship". The day she confessed her self esteem issues to me through text she said "i thik youre a really great guy that would never do anything to hurt me. I want a relationship from this or a great friendship". I say she's admirable for being open and honest with you. Does she communicate well, as in being open about her feelings and thoughts with you? How do you suggest I continue with her? Keep hanging out with her? I think that she comes over so often because she wants that affection. Obviously there must be some interest in me too. Any suggestions on how to continue? Yes, she must like the affection and attention from you. You're giving her what she's been wanting and probably needing. I think you already know what to do. Do keep hanging out with her, do in the future what you're doing now. Spend time together. Plan some outings with her, do some new and adventurous things. Take her shopping one day. Maybe surprise her with something. Be affectionate, be open-minded and willing to listen to her, allow her to open up talk. Help her out. By what you have written, it sounds like just taking her out to the mall would be highly beneficial for her.
Shaun-Dro Posted September 25, 2013 Posted September 25, 2013 I agree and I don't think she just wants sex either like was initially thought earlier in this thread. Last night when we got bak from the pet store, she laid down on the couch abd started sleeping and I laid beside her. I started kissing, and one thing led to another where her hand was in my pants ad mine was in hers, but she was tired and it went nowhere. She just laid there with her eyes closed. Really? I mean, seriously, she's tired from just grabbing your crotch and you doing the same to her? I would understand if you nailed her all night and you were tired by morning, but just from foreplay? If I had a girl that wanted to come over every day I'd definitely get rid of her in a heartbeat. That's certainly clingy behavior but I'm getting the idea that you're on the same page as her so carry on.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 Really? I mean, seriously, she's tired from just grabbing your crotch and you doing the same to her? I would understand if you nailed her all night and you were tired by morning, but just from foreplay? If I had a girl that wanted to come over every day I'd definitely get rid of her in a heartbeat. That's certainly clingy behavior but I'm getting the idea that you're on the same page as her so carry on. lol. No...she was tired but I started in with the foreplay but because she was tired, she wasn't wanting it. No matter what happens in this situation, I benefitted from it. 2 weeks ago, I hadn't even kissed a girl. Now I feel much more confident in my day to day life.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 25, 2013 Author Posted September 25, 2013 I say she's admirable for being open and honest with you. Does she communicate well, as in being open about her feelings and thoughts with you? No she is not open. The day she came over and didn't want to hold my hand or anything, I told her the most important thing to me is honestly and open communication. But last night after we didn't get the kitten, she wouldn't talk in the car. I said "are you seriously upset about the kitten?!" And she says "no". ...... But yet she wouldn't talk basically the whole way back to my house. Acting a little bratty. But she does this...she doesn't talk to me about stuff. Even when I am sincere with her telling her she can tell me anything she won't talk when she is upset.
Skyraider829 Posted September 26, 2013 Posted September 26, 2013 No she is not open. The day she came over and didn't want to hold my hand or anything, I told her the most important thing to me is honestly and open communication. Does she flat-out refuse to communicate about anything she would consider personal? If so, its unfair deal for the two of you. You cannot have a blossoming relationship if there is minimal or dishonest communication. But yet she wouldn't talk basically the whole way back to my house. Acting a little bratty. I don't like the sound of that. She's problematic, you surely don't want that. Even when I am sincere with her telling her she can tell me anything she won't talk when she is upset. Huh, doesn't talk when upset? That's a deal-breaker to me. If she puts no effort in to change that, she needs to understand that she is being very one-sided by asking for a relationship or friendship out of this. Can she talk openly when not upset or riled up? If she still can't, I would take a step back and put this into perspective. Reconsider about moving forward in any way. If she's the type to keep all to herself, I doubt a relationship is going to work out. See if she's willing to open up and if not, tell her that a friendship is going to be difficult to build. Friendships and relationships are two-way streets, mutual agreement is necessary.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 UPDATE: Texted her Wednesday multiple times and she didn't respond. Finally at 9pm I asked if something was wrong and she says no. I said she should come by Thursday night and she says maybe. Thursday night at 8pm she says "what's up?" And we talked for like 4 messages each. And that was it. And no texting Friday either. So she was coming over basically every single night and then after the Tuesday night thing she stop coming over. I read in another thread by a girl that was having problems with a boyfriend that was openly taking advantage of her. The advice others gave her - especially one persons advice - seemed to apply to this situation here with this girl. The advice was basically that the guy was a master of deceit and manipulation and that he is going to use her then cut off communication with er and eventually come back...not because he likes HER but because he likes the praise an validation that he gets from her. I think the exact same thing is going to happen here. She will come around when she wants to feel affection from me so that it improves her self esteem temporarily. This is why she did the intimate stuff so quickly, this is why she holds my hand in stores as if we are a couple, this is why weeks after we met the first time and only time we had hung out she invited me to the local fair...so that it looks as if she has a boyfriend. It is going to be a hard week for me getting used to going home and not havin anyone to hang out with but I can see exactly where this is going with her. I think she honestly has never met anyone off this website but gives her number to guys so that she has people to text. The funny thing is that I think she is actually looking for a relationship...she just has no idea that this is the absolute worst way to go about it.
Skyraider829 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I read in another thread by a girl that was having problems with a boyfriend that was openly taking advantage of her. The advice others gave her - especially one persons advice - seemed to apply to this situation here with this girl. The advice was basically that the guy was a master of deceit and manipulation and that he is going to use her then cut off communication with er and eventually come back...not because he likes HER but because he likes the praise an validation that he gets from her. If this her ultimate pursuit then unless she is a blundering, blazing idiot or she really doesn't understand how to engage someone in a relationship whatsoever. Her actions, of wanting an esteem boost can, to you - come off as a selfish attempt to satisfy her own issues by manipulating another. I hope she doesn't see it that way. I would make sure her intentions are genuine. But with what you've said, its challenging to say whether or not those intentions of hers really are. I think the exact same thing is going to happen here. She will come around when she wants to feel affection from me so that it improves her self esteem temporarily. This is why she did the intimate stuff so quickly, this is why she holds my hand in stores as if we are a couple, this is why weeks after we met the first time and only time we had hung out she invited me to the local fair...so that it looks as if she has a boyfriend. It is going to be a hard week for me getting used to going home and not havin anyone to hang out with but I can see exactly where this is going with her. I think she honestly has never met anyone off this website but gives her number to guys so that she has people to text. The funny thing is that I think she is actually looking for a relationship...she just has no idea that this is the absolute worst way to go about it. Without breaking it all down and analyzing it, she's basically using you for her own purposes without thinking of the feelings of the other - major screw-up on her part. Are you comfortable with this? I wouldn't be.
Author 365daysgone Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 So I've been reading up on low self-esteem in girls. I've found this website: What are the behavioral symptoms of low self esteem? Learn about Dr. Sorensen's program for recovery. Basically everything on this website describes her. Gets mad when you say simple non-offensive stuff, won't talk when upset, the sexual stuff so quickly, just everything here describes her. Now I know that it is not my job to get her help but I want to. The problem is that someone like this wont listen to you when you suggest her getting help. I just feel like with her already admitting she has horrible self-esteem that there may be hope for her. Any suggestions on how to broach this subject? I haven't seen her since Tuesday and the last text was Thursday but I have a feeling she will be back during the week this week. Should I bother with talking to her about her self-esteem? I am pretty good at getting her to finally admit stuff...just takes a long time.
Skyraider829 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Basically everything on this website describes her. Gets mad when you say simple non-offensive stuff, won't talk when upset, the sexual stuff so quickly, just everything here describes her. Now I know that it is not my job to get her help but I want to. The problem is that someone like this wont listen to you when you suggest her getting help. I just feel like with her already admitting she has horrible self-esteem that there may be hope for her. This is up to you. If you feel like you think you would be valuable in helping her to regain a good esteem about herself, then go ahead and do it. Its amicable of you. One thing I will say is, if she doesn't take too well to the idea of you helping her seek out help (possibly professional help) to fix her esteem issue, you may just have to leave it up to her. Some people take well to others helping, some don't. Any suggestions on how to broach this subject? I haven't seen her since Tuesday and the last text was Thursday but I have a feeling she will be back during the week this week. Should I bother with talking to her about her self-esteem? I am pretty good at getting her to finally admit stuff...just takes a long time. I like to take advantage of opportunities. I say if the opportunity presents itself (she begins giving hints about her low outlook on herself and the like) when she's with you then bring it up confidently and talk with her about it. Make sure she is comfortable with letting out her innermost thoughts with you, be understanding and sympathetic. You probably are without a doubt, I'm just saying it anyway. Good luck on it.
Author 365daysgone Posted October 2, 2013 Author Posted October 2, 2013 UPDATE: So no one texted each other all weekend. Nothing since Thursday. On Monday morning I texted her saying "hey what's up? How are things?" And no response back. Then last night at 9pm I texted her with a link to a website with suggestions on how to overcome Low Self-Esteem Disorder and this afternoon she texts back asking what that link is for. I tell her and its been 5 hours with still no response. Crazy right? She obviously seemed into me by wanting to hang out every single night and then all of a sudden just no longer cares. Acts as if the time we spent together was nothing. I told you. Now it's onto the next guy for her. Luckily at this point I've gained enough strength to be done with her. She is going to get what is coming to her one day for playing with people. I have a strong feeling that within 2 weeks she will want to hang out again.
Skyraider829 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 So this one went out the window - so be it. I guess she just wore the fake guise of low self-esteem to fish for your sympathies. Sorry about that but at least you've gained something from it, you won't fall for her temptations. No more hanging out for her. She probably won't learn her lesson either.
Author 365daysgone Posted October 9, 2013 Author Posted October 9, 2013 She ended up responding to that LSE Disorder link I had sent by saying "what's that link for?", I told her and no response. Then next day I asked why she was ignoring me and pushing me away and she said "what are you talking about?", I countered that by asking "what do you mean?" Those are our last messages and that was last Thursday. It's been two weeks since Ive seen her...I'm basically over her at this point, but ill never forget this whole thing. She needs serious help.
Skyraider829 Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 Keep away from that chick. You don't need any more bullshot out of her and the intricate, ambivalent behavior. I do hope you can find someone "normal" next time.
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