Met a new girl

[tinydancer93]

So I'm just gonna create this thread here cause its getting tied into my other thread on a different situation and I know some of you would be interested in hearing this and following it. So basically I started talking to this girl on one of the free online dating sites, a week later I asked to meet her, she excitedly said sure. Then stood me up. I waited for her for 30 minutes and she no showed. We set up 4 other times to meet (1 of which, SHE offered) and she cancelled all of them for ridiculous reasons.

 

By the 3rd time of this, I was calling her out on it. She's saying I'm being a dick, I'm telling her she is a lying sack of ****, etc. Then the next day, the text are casual again. At this point, I don't think she will ever show up. And then last night, she did. I had offered for her to come over and watch a movie (all the other times its been set up to meet at a park). So she comes over, we talk ad then watch a movie. I'm sitting at one end of the couch, she's at the other, she ends up laying under a blanket and laying down with her feet on my lap. So now she's gonna come over on Thursday. I don't know. Whole thing is ****ing bizarre to me. Flakes 5 times before she finally meets up. The really interesting thing will be if she shows up on Thursday. If she does, it shows she was full of **** all the other times. If she doesn't, then damn she flakes a lot.

 

Her flaking out FIVE times is definitely a major red flag. I wonder why she finally showed up? It could be that she was nervous about meeting up with someone who she only knew over the internet, but finally got the courage to do so. If she continues regularly flake out, it could be that she is just unreliable or not into you enough.

[365daysgone]

Get out of your comfort zone. Push yourself.

 

The only reason you have social anxiety is because you failed to push yourself earlier in life (like the rest of us did).

 

Do you ever want to have sex? Or do you want to be the 40 year old virgin?

 

What does it sound like I am doing? 2 months ago I wouldn't have even met a girl from OLD.

[365daysgone]

UPDATE:

 

So she asked me on Sunday when I wanted to hang out again. We set it up for 6:30 last night (Monday). She doesn't show up. I text her and she ends up showing up at 7:30. We watch a movie and after its over, we're making out and shes doing the "so what do you want to do?" Bull**** again for like 20 minutes.

 

We put a second movie on and make out during that movie. We're sitting there cuddling and her hand starts moving on my dick. Slowly it starts turning into jerking me off over my pants. Long story short, this turns into her sweater coming off, my pants coming down, me sucking on her breasts, and eventually her masturbating with her pants still up. She was pulling on me for the longest time and probably started wondering why I wasn't getting off. I was wondering this too I started thinking of anything in order to get myself off but I just couldn't. Then when I was fingering her, she could see that I went limp. She kept saying "what's wrong?", and I kept saying "nothing." Finally she says "you're too innocent for me." I said to her that she should have told me what she wanted a month ago. I say "**** it", and pulled my pants up.

 

I always thought that the first time a girl touched my dick, I'd get off within 2 minutes...I don't think I could get off because maybe I was just surprised it was happening or maybe it was because I was disappointed in her even though I knew this was her game for awhile. I don't know. But also, she had no idea how to masturbate me...I just wanted to throw her hand away and do it myself. It didn't feel good.

 

Anyways, after I pulled my pants up, I said to explain what the innocent comment meant. I ended up calling her out on the flakes and her lies. She got really mad and walked towards the door saying "you're accusing me of stuff!" As we're talking at the door, she ends up getting teary eyed and starts saying that her last relationship that ended a year ago, was abusive and full of cheating and it really ****ed with her. She said she doesn't really talk to anyone and was terrified of meeting me for the first time because she didn't know if I was going to be like her last boyfriend. She admitted again that she has never met anyone else off of this website which I believe. She swore that what she wants from this website is a relationship and not just to hookup. I can usually tell when someone is lying. She said she didn't expect this to happen tonight which is obviously bull****. I hugged her and told her to come over tomorrow.

 

So...I know I'm gonna get hated on for not getting off to her but maybe I am too nice of a person. It just didn't feel good to me. It did at first, but the longer it went on, the less I felt. Three months ago, I was getting off to porn everyday...I have done this all my life...but ever since I'm getting out and meeting people, I have no interest in it. It definitely feels like my sex drive is calming down. I'm more interested in talking with people I guess. But also, I just kept thinking...I spent a month trying to figure out someone that I already knew. I am very smart and can understand people's behaviour very quickly but this girl is so good at deception that she clouded my judgement. I care way too much about other people's feelings too. She's ****ed with me for the past month and probably still is with her tearful story last night, but yet I am the one giving her a hug saying its ok.

[deathandtaxes]

You either put up with her flake or you don't. Do you like making plans only for her showing up an hour later than she said she would?

 

The whole 'so what do you want to do' is cuz she wants to get laid! If you're not wanting to have sex, then you're leading her on by inviting her over into this kind of situation.

[clia]

How old is this girl? Why exactly do you think she's deceiving you and for what purpose? If she was truly after sex, it sounds like she could have initiated and gotten it from you, right? So, what exactly do you think she is getting out of this?

 

Given this new information, she sounds to me like a girl with very, very low self esteem, evidenced by the fact that she just keeps coming over to your house to watch a movie. She doesn't even expect you to take her on a proper date. Hell, she came to your house for the first date when you were a complete stranger. This is not the sign of a very savvy or intelligent person. And for your lack of effort, you have been rewarded with a pretty down and dirty make out session, which very well could have led to more.

 

I mean, she is the one one going to your house (why don't you go to hers, by the way, or take her out?) and you don't have to do anything except sit on your couch, pop in a movie, and make out with her. What's the big deal to you? She very likely thinks that by engaging in sex or hot and heavy make out sessions with you, it is going to make you like her. If you don't want a relationship with her, the nice thing to do would be to end things with her now. Her self esteem is so in the dirt that she is likely going to get attached to you, despite your complete lack of effort toward her.

[365daysgone]

UPDATE:

 

So she came over again last night (Tuesday) and we watched another movie. When it was over, one thing led to another and I ended up getting her off. And that was sexually all that happened. To Clia, you are 100% correct in my opinion. This girl has zero self esteem. She says all she does after work is go home and play online games. On Monday night when she was teary eyed she said because of her ex boyfriends abuse, she doesn't really talk to anyone. And every single weekend, she goes out with friends and gets completely wasted. I know this because every time I text her on the weekend she says shes drinking. And even in person she admits to it. And to answer your question about her age, she is 21.

 

So ya...she needs serious psychiatric help because she acts as if this sexual stuff is no big deal at all. I know it doesn't make me much better by giving into it, and using her for the experience but if I can get her to be honest with me about everything ... and I mean everything then it wont be me just using her for experience anymore. I will finally be able to understand this whole situation and will be able to work with her to change her outlook on things and Help her change her lifestyle. But I need honesty about everything.

 

I was going to bring some stuff up with her tonight but I fear she is going to get upset and leave. But next time I definitely will ask her about it all. She is the one that said last night that because of the previous relationship, she is ****ed up. So at least she knows.

 

Now she said tonight she wants to go mini putting and that I should take her on an actual date. I said sure and we kind of set something up for Thursday...kind of...not feeling too confident about her preventing a flake but we'll see. I also kept insisting tonight that we go out and do something but she just wouldn't have it. It's really bizarre. She seems like a bit of a hermit. But ya...more signs of her mental instability.

 

What do you guys think? With this new information that is coming to light, you think it's just an issue of a past event that is making her crave affection from someone? I mean she loves kissing and cuddling. She holds my hand and cuddles with me as if we are already in a relationship...it's nuts! I think there is some serious help needed for this girl. I feel bad for her especially because she is so young and is on such a destructive path. Like Clia said...it's not very smart showing up at a guys house for a first time meeting. I mean you want to potentially get raped and killed, that's a brilliant way. So what are you guys thinking? I'm gonna try and get it all out of her next time she comes over. Anyone wanna take bets on the deal? Surely no one still thinks its just a case of a girl using OLD for sex anymore right?

[Lansing]

Just be careful that you don't get drawn in by the physical aspects and start liking her. If things get sexual where she is actually pleasing YOU then you might start liking it and just not want to end things because of that even if she is not the right person for you.

 

Can you remind me how old you are?

 

If she thinks that you actually care about her and then you just get bored of her and leave that won't be so great for her self esteem either. I would be careful with this whole situation.

[365daysgone]

Just be careful that you don't get drawn in by the physical aspects and start liking her. If things get sexual where she is actually pleasing YOU then you might start liking it and just not want to end things because of that even if she is not the right person for you.

 

Can you remind me how old you are?

 

If she thinks that you actually care about her and then you just get bored of her and leave that won't be so great for her self esteem either. I would be careful with this whole situation.

I'm 24. She's 21. I know. I thank you for your advice. The whole situation is nuts.

[365daysgone]

UPDATE:

 

So she was supposed to come over on Wednesday night but I wasn't going to be home until around 9. At 8:30, she had text me saying she was tired and in bed falling asleep, so lets hang out the next night. This is understandable and I won't consider it a flake.

 

Then last night (Thursday) she came over. As always we did the two movie night-in thing. But here's the important part of this update. We actually talked. Good conversation and actually got to know each other before the first movie. Great small talk and getting to know each other. Then after the first movie, same thing. Good talking and some goofy stuff like thumb wars and rock, paper, scissors stuff (she loves physical contact).

 

No sexual stuff tonight. Just the usual cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. During the second movie (which we never seem to make it through while paying attention) she is laying her head in my lap and we are just staring into each others eyes. I am stroking her hair and holding her hand. We stare, we kiss, we stare, we kiss some more. But then she says "I think I'm starting to like you" and I said "me too".

 

Can anyone believe this whole situation?! I mean seriously go back and read this whole thread again. Who the **** would have ever thought we'd be at this point?! I just don't know what I'm even doing anymore. I can't be in a relationship with a girl that did all that flaking when she could have just told me she was afraid to meet me. Instead she chose to lie and deceive me. Also, what is with all the sexual **** so early on? I mean she knew exactly what she was doing on Monday when she started casually stroking my dick as if it was some porn film. Just casually feels it and so so so slowly massages it until it turns into pulling on it. A girl like this knows what she is doing. And then the comment "you're too innocent for me" as I am sitting there with my dick out and my hand down her pants. What the hell is innocent about that?! I can't swallow that comment cause it sounds like she is saying "you're way more innocent than other guys I've been with...they would have banged me instantly". Even though I'm feeling certain about her not currently sleeping around with other guys, these things alone would prevent me from entering into a relationship with her.

[Lansing]

Thanks for the update! Very weird indeed.

[Skyraider829]

UPDATE:

 

So she was supposed to come over on Wednesday night but I wasn't going to be home until around 9. At 8:30, she had text me saying she was tired and in bed falling asleep, so lets hang out the next night. This is understandable and I won't consider it a flake.

 

Then last night (Thursday) she came over. As always we did the two movie night-in thing. But here's the important part of this update. We actually talked. Good conversation and actually got to know each other before the first movie. Great small talk and getting to know each other. Then after the first movie, same thing. Good talking and some goofy stuff like thumb wars and rock, paper, scissors stuff (she loves physical contact).

 

No sexual stuff tonight. Just the usual cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. During the second movie (which we never seem to make it through while paying attention) she is laying her head in my lap and we are just staring into each others eyes. I am stroking her hair and holding her hand. We stare, we kiss, we stare, we kiss some more. But then she says "I think I'm starting to like you" and I said "me too".

 

Can anyone believe this whole situation?! I mean seriously go back and read this whole thread again. Who the **** would have ever thought we'd be at this point?! I just don't know what I'm even doing anymore. I can't be in a relationship with a girl that did all that flaking when she could have just told me she was afraid to meet me. Instead she chose to lie and deceive me. Also, what is with all the sexual **** so early on? I mean she knew exactly what she was doing on Monday when she started casually stroking my dick as if it was some porn film. Just casually feels it and so so so slowly massages it until it turns into pulling on it. A girl like this knows what she is doing. And then the comment "you're too innocent for me" as I am sitting there with my dick out and my hand down her pants. What the hell is innocent about that?! I can't swallow that comment cause it sounds like she is saying "you're way more innocent than other guys I've been with...they would have banged me instantly". Even though I'm feeling certain about her not currently sleeping around with other guys, these things alone would prevent me from entering into a relationship with her.

 

Whoa. That was...Um, enlightening, yet also...Confounding.

 

She's different for sure.

[365daysgone]

UPDATE:

 

So she was supposed to come over at 8 on Friday, but 8:30 rolls around and she's not here. She had sent texts to me asking if I was working the weekend, I texted back asking where she is and of she is coming over. She says people showed up so she couldn't leave. We talked through text and she said she really wants to see me, etc. We make plans for her to come over early at 9am yesterday (Saturday), I was up at 8 and at 10 I sent her a text saying "Let me guess, your alarm didn't go off?" She responds back 20 minutes later saying she was there around 8:30. I tell her I didn't hear a knock at the door. Blah blah blah. I believe she is bull****ting and trying to make it seem like she didn't actually flake again. She says she'll just see me another day. She was really excited to see me last night and today she's acting pissed off. I tell her I want to tell her something in person.

 

She ends up coming over at noon. She is completely different towards me today. I keep on asking her what's wrong but she won't tell me. She won't hold my hand, cuddle or kiss me. I ask her when shes going to let me take her on a date and she says "you dont need to do that" and i tell her i want to but she just wouldnt have it. She ends up leaving at 1:30 to meet some friends. As she leaves she says "see you" and doesn't even look at me. No kiss or anything.

 

At this point I tell myself "**** it" because I think she is just playing games with me now by acting distant so that I beg for her attention. There's no way she came over this morning. She has never once been on time and now all of a sudden she is 30 minutes early? Bull****. So I'm down stairs for 5 minutes after she left and needed to get some air, so I go upstairs and she is still in her car in the driveway. I just get in my car and leave. At this point, I was not going to ever text her again.

 

And now comes the mind blowing part. 10 minutes later she texts me saying "I was actually about to cry." I ask why and she says she doesn't know but she wishes she never left. Then we're talking and out of nowhere she says to me "I have the worst self esteem in the world. I don't think I am pretty and I don't think I am good enough for anyone." Then she tells me she thinks I am an amazing guy that will never hurt her and that she wants a relationship or a great friendship out of this. I asked her about the sexual stuff that happened on Monday and she says she is just a sexual person. She said the reason she told me I was too innocent for her is because she likes kinky stuff. Kind of weird but whatever.

 

Then she texts me later tonight around 4pm and asks to hang out tonight. She says she'll be over around 8-8:30. 8:45 rolls around and she texts me saying she's just driving someone somewhere and she'll be over soon. I was 2 minutes away from my house at a friends house so I tell her to text me when she is there and to just go inside because i left my door unlocked. At 9:15 I ask her if she's coming over. No response. By 10pm, I send a text saying "even after your honesty today, you're still flaking. I can't do this with you anymore." I send that last text and head home...she's already in my driveway and Inside. So I go downstairs and tell her she didn't text me telling me she had arrived. I ask her if she got my texts and she tells me no. So I say "oh...well ignore the last one I sent". She ask if it was mean and I told her it said "I can't do this anymore". She didn't seem to care. I hope she doesn't care after she reads the whole thing. I was just legitimately annoyed because I was afraid she was going to flake again. And yes I know I'm nuts to let her have access to my place when I am not home. But that's just me. Probably why I get taken advantage of so often.

 

Anyways, so decent conversation tonight then a movie then after the movie we had a mad make-out session and I got her off again. At the start of it she says "you're gonna make me want to have sex with you". Not sure what to think of that comment. Then also during it, she asks if I want to do this and I said yes an she says "good. I like stuff like this". At some point she's going to start wondering why I'm not pulling my thing out but honestly I just don't get turned on by things anymore. In the past month, I have just lost interest in sexual thoughts and fantasies. But anyways she leaves and asks if I want to hang out tomorrow. So...another person that had posted in this thread and I as well called that ****!! Low self esteem! I should be a ****ing psychologist.

[heartshaped]

I have got to ask you, OP, what is your goal with this woman?

 

You both seem to have too many psychological issues to make anything work long term honestly. (no offense)

[365daysgone]

I have got to ask you, OP, what is your goal with this woman?

 

You both seem to have too many psychological issues to make anything work long term honestly. (no offense)

 

How come you say I have psychological issues?

 

My goal is to hang out with her and try to develop something. I really enjoy when she comes over. It's alot of fun. But I feel the same way she does - a relationship or a friendship.

[happywithlife]

I really think you should consider cutting all contact with this girl. She definitely has too many issues to form even a good friendship with anyone, let alone a relationship. It sounds like she needs professional help. If you do not want to get yourself seriously hurt, I would let her know you have to stop seeing her and then block all contact from her. She'll probably act really crazy at this point, but stick to the no contact rule.

 

You've said that you have social anxieties. I can see a relationship with her making your anxieties worse in the long run as she uses you. You'll make further advances in forming friendships and relationships if you find yourself a good counselor and help yourself too.

 

I hate to be blunt but this situation is just a recipe for disaster and getting yourself hurt.

[heartshaped]

How come you say I have psychological issues?

 

My goal is to hang out with her and try to develop something. I really enjoy when she comes over. It's alot of fun. But I feel the same way she does - a relationship or a friendship.

 

I was mostly referring to your social anxiety and also, it doesn't seem like you have good boundaries when it comes to relationships or just people in general. She's flaked on you so many times...it's laughable. Now things are making more sense where she's concerned, but she still flakes a lot and you still put up with it. You also don't seem to have a handle on the sexual aspect of the relationship. Either because your drive has just decreased or you aren't sexually attracted to her. On the other hand, she's a very sexual person, has self-esteem issues, seems very emotional and unstable...just seems like a recipe for disaster, imho.

[365daysgone]

I don't want to cut her out and hurt her. But I am going to explain to her that she needs to be reliable and not break our plans from now on. And we also need to go places. I will try to explain this to her next time I see her. I don't think this situation is going to make my social anxiety worse, I have already found it helping alot.

[deathandtaxes]

I don't want to cut her out and hurt her. But I am going to explain to her that she needs to be reliable and not break our plans from now on. And we also need to go places. I will try to explain this to her next time I see her. I don't think this situation is going to make my social anxiety worse, I have already found it helping alot.

 

 

Worry about yourself. I will second the above comments about you putting up with flaking too much and how nothing good can come of this. I mean really - read all your posts. How many times has she said one thing and done another? How can you subject yourself to this much abuse?

[365daysgone]

Worry about yourself. I will second the above comments about you putting up with flaking too much and how nothing good can come of this. I mean really - read all your posts. How many times has she said one thing and done another? How can you subject yourself to this much abuse?

Its what I do man. I care more about how other people feel than about how I feel. And she confessed to me she has **** self esteem and doesnt feel good enough for anyone and I believe it. If anything, this is a good test for me to try and battle the feeling of disappointment when she flakes. Cause I am a way overly emotional person and so this is a good test for me to try and battle these feelings. I know I am being dumb, but I am still seeing legitimacy in her...

[happywithlife]

Yes it is great to give to people and to help people. BUT you cannot help someone truly be a better person unless they want to get better and are serious about the work involved. You will never be able to convince them to go through hell and back. Its something they want for themselves. I can tell you:

 

1. You will give and give to this girl until it burns you out and it hurts you so much. This may takes only a few months or it may take years. I pray its not the latter as every person deserves relationships and friendships that are equal and supportive not draining.

 

2. At this point, from what you write, this girl is not will to go through hell and back to better herself so she can be mentally healthy. See #1 as that is what will happen.

 

3. She may say you make her happy as a ploy for you to continue filling her voids. But you need to think about you too. You will have to work so hard to make her happy large voids will form in your life. And then see #1.

 

I know you are young and will say: not me. I will be able make her better and things will be good. Good luck with the project and remember our words as time goes on. We all need to learn and I hope you are a fast learner.

[365daysgone]

Yes it is great to give to people and to help people. BUT you cannot help someone truly be a better person unless they want to get better and are serious about the work involved. You will never be able to convince them to go through hell and back. Its something they want for themselves. I can tell you:

 

1. You will give and give to this girl until it burns you out and it hurts you so much. This may takes only a few months or it may take years. I pray its not the latter as every person deserves relationships and friendships that are equal and supportive not draining.

 

2. At this point, from what you write, this girl is not will to go through hell and back to better herself so she can be mentally healthy. See #1 as that is what will happen.

 

3. She may say you make her happy as a ploy for you to continue filling her voids. But you need to think about you too. You will have to work so hard to make her happy large voids will form in your life. And then see #1.

 

I know you are young and will say: not me. I will be able make her better and things will be good. Good luck with the project and remember our words as time goes on. We all need to learn and I hope you are a fast learner.

 

I understand what you are saying and I thank you.

 

She came over again last night. She offered to go out so we went to a couple of stores. She bought things for my cat when I insisted on paying for them. Honestly at this point I have explanations for her initial flakiness, I have explanations about her self-esteem. At this point she just seems unreliable an still a little closed about talking to me about things. Two unappealing traits, I know, but still. Do you see her as this or still something worse? I have explanations from her that believe at this point.

[Skyraider829]

Its what I do man. I care more about how other people feel than about how I feel. And she confessed to me she has **** self esteem and doesnt feel good enough for anyone and I believe it. If anything, this is a good test for me to try and battle the feeling of disappointment when she flakes. Cause I am a way overly emotional person and so this is a good test for me to try and battle these feelings. I know I am being dumb, but I am still seeing legitimacy in her...

 

You're a "way overly-emotional person"? Can you elaborate a little more on that?

 

There's nothing wrong at all with being emotionally attached to a person but when just starting out (if you're starting out at all with this gal) you need to take a more reason-centered approach first and let emotions sort of sit on the backburner and be a subtle guide.

[365daysgone]

You're a "way overly-emotional person"? Can you elaborate a little more on that?

 

There's nothing wrong at all with being emotionally attached to a person but when just starting out (if you're starting out at all with this gal) you need to take a more reason-centered approach first and let emotions sort of sit on the backburner and be a subtle guide.

 

I mean that when she flakes, even if I tell myself to EXPECT her to flake, I almost feel heart broken over it. So by putting up with it, it is in a sense good to have her flake and to then try to be rational with my thoughts by telling myself that it is not the end of the world. It is good practise to try and control my emotions.

[Skyraider829]

I mean that when she flakes, even if I tell myself to EXPECT her to flake, I almost feel heart broken over it. So by putting up with it, it is in a sense good to have her flake and to then try to be rational with my thoughts by telling myself that it is not the end of the world. It is good practise to try and control my emotions.

 

 

I see what you're saying now - I appreciate the clarification.

Keep your emotions on a short leash.

[deathandtaxes]

I mean that when she flakes, even if I tell myself to EXPECT her to flake, I almost feel heart broken over it. So by putting up with it, it is in a sense good to have her flake and to then try to be rational with my thoughts by telling myself that it is not the end of the world. It is good practise to try and control my emotions.

 

Her flaking and you putting up with it is like a poor lil puppy that gets the **** kicked out of it but still comes back for more. This ain't healthy, bro. It's just not. You're showing her that she can treat you like **** and can walk all over you and you'll still see her. It's abusive.