aaarrrrrggggghhhh

[solostand]

So I tried to go NC with my MM on Saturday. . .He phoned several times and I ignored his calls. (he doesn't text or do email). I have been reading this forum and it's made me see I am just the normal OW, who could be thrown under a bus.

 

He's been married about 33 years and has two grown children, 31 and 32. He is a millionaire due to his company, but wife is one quarter partner and controls the check book. He also has several pensions. . .

 

Anyway, Sunday he called saying he was in an emergency so of course I called him back because he sounded so distressed. . .turns out the emergency involved his work (he is in the life saving business). . .

 

So then yesterday I talked to him on the phone for an hour or two and got sucked back in. . .

 

Then this morning he comes to see me. He knows I am kinda poor right now.

 

He told me he had spent the last two days worrying about me, whether I'm eating, whether I have gas, smokes. He knows I have a job interview Thursday and he was worried that I would go there hungry (this is not actually the case).

 

Anyway, he says he was up at four a.m. trying to figure out a way to get to see me today so he could give me $150 because he didn't think I had enough gas to get to him.

 

He even had a plan where if I had enough gas to get to the service station where he has a company account, he was gonna get me to go there to fill my car with gas yesterday so I could then get to him at his work so he could give me money. (I actually had gas.)

 

I told him to stop worrying about me. I don't ask for his money and I told him I am not his dependent so he shouldn't spend so much time worrying about such things.

 

Then we talked for two hours and then and made love, and he fell asleep with me rubbing his stomach.

 

But over and over again he said the best part - the most favorite part of our relationship - is our emotional bond which he never expected and hit him over the head like a ton of bricks. How he can talk to me for hours. . .how comfortable we are together. He says this all the time - that sex is just an awesome bonus to our relationship. And this is true, we grew up in the same community and have a lot in common and are VERY much alike. He tells me everything.

 

He also had a few very negative things to say about his wife. . .a while ago he told me she had threatened to leave him with nothing but his shoelaces if she ever caught him cheating. He also feels he is too old to leave (he is 64, I am 49) because he may be dead in a couple of years and would leave all those people hurt for a couple years of happiness with me. He also suggested I did not want to look after an old man.

 

So here I am again, all in love with him. . .again. I am tempted to tell his wife and let the chips fall where they may. I actually don't think he could live without me, but you never know. He could throw me under the bus. . .

 

These things are so so hard. Never have an affair.

[whichwayisup]

He WILL throw you under the bus so fast. A man like that - Rich, been married for so many years, has grown kids, probably grand children coming soon too. He is NOT going to change his whole life (style) for you and give up half to his wife for you. He'd be supporting you as well (sorry I don't mean that meanly, it's a fact he's giving you money, or wants to) as his wife. No way is she going to go away easily and quietly.

 

Nothing good is going to come out of this except more pain for you.

 

Be strong and try to end it once and for all.

 

And, if you DO decide to tell his wife, own your part in the affair, don't put all the blame on him. You knew he was married all along and still chose to be with him.

[solostand]

Yes I know. He considered leaving her, actually wants to, but has actually told me exactly what you told me. . .mainly he does not want to hurt his family (kids) or his wife (she has been loyal to him all these years and does not deserve to be hurt like that) for his own selfishness. And also the money, although he would certainly not be destitute by any means, but he has lived in the same house for more than 30 years.

 

 

Some days though I still think he would leave. . .cause I actually believe he is in love with me and would find it very very hard to be without me.

 

He is very reckless about our relationship, does not seem to care who sees us together.

 

He even came to a wake with me as my b.f. and met people who knows both he and his wife. His son has seen us together and all of his employees (also his wife's employee's) have seen us together a million times because he sometimes takes me to work with him.

 

He took me to a major holiday event in his hometown - where EVERYONE knows him and his wife, and it was clear we were more than friends. I'm kinda shocked she doesn't know already. Its been going on for 10 months.

 

sigh.

[solostand]

I sometimes think the same thing. I am actually waiting for her call.

 

Last night she asked him if he had someone else because he has not made a pass at her for months. She has also said other things at other times that make me think she definitely is suspicious if nothing else.

 

Someone told her they saw us walking across the street together to our house. . .her best friend's husband is good friends with my MM, I have known HIM for years. He sees me and MM together all the time. I can tell by the way he (the friend) treats me so differently that he knows something is up between us. He's probably told his wife, who told the MM's wife.

 

So ya, its gonna blow. She's got my name. . .knows who I am. . .prolly where I live.

[imfine]

He has nothing to stop him from leaving other than him not choosing to. That's all you need to know. You're worth more than $150 & his weak attempt at acting concerned.

[solostand]

He has nothing to stop him from leaving other than him not choosing to. That's all you need to know. You're worth more than $150 & his weak attempt at acting concerned.

 

I think that all the time.

[imfine]

Be prepared to find out you've been videotaped, followed & your every word recorded. You'll be portrayed as a whore that seduced a married man. It's sad what happens to the woman while he's the victim. Better get your backbone where your wishbone is. I'm so sorry. It's not fair, but it's probably going to get very ugly for you.

[HopingAgain]

Oh boy. I think you already know that if you continue this it will NOT end up well for you, right?

 

This is the same MM that said he wanted you to go to the same place at the same time as his wife right? So that he would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were there in her face right after he'd had sex with you? Correct me if I'm wrong. If so, please believe this man is of a very dangerous personality type and you need to be very careful. If he could derive pleasure from the thought of humiliating and hurting his wife of 33 years he will not hesitate to do it to you. Run, Run, Run! His wife is probably threatening him because he's already cheated in the past and you are probably correct in thinking he will throw you under the bus...he may even enjoy it! Run!

[solostand]

Yes and the same MM who actually said he had thought of ways of killing her so his problem would be solved.

 

I have my own protection if he throws me under the bus. . .he'll be thrown right back and out on his ass. . .I have him on tape telling me he wanted me to sit across from his wife after I just screwed her husband. . .laughing about it. Oh, and plenty of voice mail messages.

 

Oh ****.

[whichwayisup]

Some days though I still think he would leave. . .cause I actually believe he is in love with me and would find it very very hard to be without me.

You can't compare his 33 year old marriage and history with his wife, family and life built to your 10 month affair with him. Sure, he may have feelings of love for you, care a lot but that's not enough for him to give up all that he knows, loves and has worked hard for so many years. It'd be a lot harder for him once the honeymoon phase your A ends and (if) you two were a couple.

 

Keep in mind that MM lie very well and his wife not knowing means he is SKILLED at manipulating and lying. Look how he's got you spinning when you're supposed to be in NC mode with him. You believe every single word he tells you. Right? So, don't begrudge or judge his wife - She may have suspicions about it but he more than likely convinces her otherwise.

[HopingAgain]

Yes and the same MM who actually said he had thought of ways of killing her so his problem would be solved.

 

I have my own protection if he throws me under the bus. . .he'll be thrown right back and out on his ass. . .I have him on tape telling me he wanted me to sit across from his wife after I just screwed her husband. . .laughing about it. Oh, and plenty of voice mail messages.

 

Oh ****.

 

This scenario seems more about power and control, cruelty, and mind games than it does about love. You have to really hate a person to say the things he said and do the things he does, talking about killing her.....listen to me...this guy is a sociopath. Do you really want to be caught up in a Scott Peterson situation where a guy kills his wife or has her killed and then YOUR name and identity are dragged into the public world for all to see and demonize? That's the worst case scenario but not a far fetched one. Anyone who can say they want to kill their wife but put on a happy face and pretend to love her after 33 years, and one who enjoys humiliating her is going to push the envelope further and further until everything blows up. You will probably have to eventually get a restraining order against this guy because you can bet he is not going to just go away quietly.

[happy stillmore]

My xMM earned little money and depends on his wife financially. Ironically, it is the opposite with them. I believed it was their debt that kept him there. Actually, I no longer believe that. He was too afraid to hurt his wife and girls.

 

I find it hard to believe that his wife controls their money when she only is a 1/4 partner. If he owns a majority of the company, he can do whatever with his money. I have to ask if he ever had a history of bipolar disorder. Perhaps, he has displayed risky behaviors with money in the past and that is why his wife controls the money. Bipolar people often are successful in business because they take risks. Bipolar people can also be sexually unrestrained when manic. Have affairs when they are in manic. They may love their wives but can't help themselves with having sex outside of marriage. He may love you after all. I don't know. I'm just throwing it out there.

 

The fact that he worries he is old and doesn't have much life left is not a reason to stay in a marriage he clearly isn't happy with if he is having an affair. If any thing, he should be living the life he had left to the fullest. You would think a confident businessman would be able to make a big boy decision if he had the means to do it. My xMM would have moved out but he couldn't afford it. And his wife and children would not be able to afford the house without his income. So he stayed. Plus, it was easier and safer for him all around.

 

I don't believe he truly loves you. If he did, there would be no doubt in his heart. He would do whatever it takes to be with you. I believe he is living in a fantasy and escaping everyday life. He can be your saviour and that is an ego boost to him. I'm sorry to be harsh but just an opinion.

[whichwayisup]

Yes and the same MM who actually said he had thought of ways of killing her so his problem would be solved.

 

I have my own protection if he throws me under the bus. . .he'll be thrown right back and out on his ass. . .I have him on tape telling me he wanted me to sit across from his wife after I just screwed her husband. . .laughing about it. Oh, and plenty of voice mail messages.

 

Oh ****.

 

And you love this man? Look at how he's treating his wife, the stuff he's said. The woman he said vows to 33 years ago in front of family and friends, gave birth to his 2 children. Why would you think he'd treat you any better? Now or in the future if he did choose you.

 

He's a pig and that's disgusting of him to say such stuff. I hope you were just as disgusted and offended by hearing it and not cheering him on.

[solostand]

I certainly was NOT cheering him on. I told him later I thought his wife seemed like a very nice person. He said she is a very nice person.

 

Ya, I questioned him very deeply today about how he could not just take his own money. The convo had nothing to do with him and me, just something he was explaining about how she wrote him a check for five grand today. She and he co-sign the checks. He said he could take his own money -in the sense that he could take it and RUN and only do it once.

 

He also said he is trying to figure out ways to steal from himself without her finding out that it was actually going to him, like getting a check written out to abc company and getting abc company to cash it for him.

 

I think he is very unhappily married but also has no balls cause if he did he'd just walk away. Its 50-50 - he will still be rich.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes and the same MM who actually said he had thought of ways of killing her so his problem would be solved.

 

This is what you should have recorded..and went to the police with. This man is unstable. He talks of killing his wife, embezzling (which is illegal) and you think he is a man????

 

Unhappily married??? This man has serious mental health issues, and if not treated will be a man with a mental health issue in PRISON

 

And you forever linked to it all!!!!!

[sweet_pea]

I think it's disturbing that you're in love with a man that has fantasized about killing his wife... does that not bother you at all? That amongst other alarming things you've mentioned.

 

Plus, you are dependent on their money. You shouldn't depend on someone who can't even offer you stability.

 

I don't know, but y'alls relationship is all types of dysfunctional, almost hard to believe and I hope that if it is true, you can get out of it and establish your own support and not from an affair.

[happy stillmore]

Would you still love this man if he were a shoe salesman? No offense to those who are shoe salesmen. My point is what if this man has little money. Was driving around in a 15 year old car. Living check to check. Would you give him a second thought with the same behavior this man displays?

 

Things that make you go hmmm.

[whichwayisup]

I certainly was NOT cheering him on. I told him later I thought his wife seemed like a very nice person. He said she is a very nice person.

 

Yet he sickly said he wants to kill her. Can we say..Scott Peterson? Even if he was joking, that is NOT something to joke about. Yuck!

 

Ya, I questioned him very deeply today about how he could not just take his own money. The convo had nothing to do with him and me, just something he was explaining about how she wrote him a check for five grand today. She and he co-sign the checks. He said he could take his own money -in the sense that he could take it and RUN and only do it once.

And you love him anyway. Look at what he's saying and how he's acting!

 

He also said he is trying to figure out ways to steal from himself without her finding out that it was actually going to him, like getting a check written out to abc company and getting abc company to cash it for him.

 

??!! How do you feel about this? I'm speechless.

 

I think he is very unhappily married but also has no balls cause if he did he'd just walk away. Its 50-50 - he will still be rich.

 

He has no balls because he can do as he pleases and still stay married. Do you think you're his first affair? Sorry if that question hurts, but he has mastered his manipulation skills over the years. He's a total scumbag.

[Red Wolverine]

So I tried to go NC with my MM on Saturday. . .He phoned several times and I ignored his calls. (he doesn't text or do email). I have been reading this forum and it's made me see I am just the normal OW, who could be thrown under a bus.

 

He's been married about 33 years and has two grown children, 31 and 32. He is a millionaire due to his company, but wife is one quarter partner and controls the check book. He also has several pensions. . .

 

Anyway, Sunday he called saying he was in an emergency so of course I called him back because he sounded so distressed. . .turns out the emergency involved his work (he is in the life saving business). . .

 

So then yesterday I talked to him on the phone for an hour or two and got sucked back in. . .

 

Then this morning he comes to see me. He knows I am kinda poor right now.

 

He told me he had spent the last two days worrying about me, whether I'm eating, whether I have gas, smokes. He knows I have a job interview Thursday and he was worried that I would go there hungry (this is not actually the case).

 

Anyway, he says he was up at four a.m. trying to figure out a way to get to see me today so he could give me $150 because he didn't think I had enough gas to get to him.

 

He even had a plan where if I had enough gas to get to the service station where he has a company account, he was gonna get me to go there to fill my car with gas yesterday so I could then get to him at his work so he could give me money. (I actually had gas.)

 

I told him to stop worrying about me. I don't ask for his money and I told him I am not his dependent so he shouldn't spend so much time worrying about such things.

 

Then we talked for two hours and then and made love, and he fell asleep with me rubbing his stomach.

 

But over and over again he said the best part - the most favorite part of our relationship - is our emotional bond which he never expected and hit him over the head like a ton of bricks. How he can talk to me for hours. . .how comfortable we are together. He says this all the time - that sex is just an awesome bonus to our relationship. And this is true, we grew up in the same community and have a lot in common and are VERY much alike. He tells me everything.

 

He also had a few very negative things to say about his wife. . .a while ago he told me she had threatened to leave him with nothing but his shoelaces if she ever caught him cheating. He also feels he is too old to leave (he is 64, I am 49) because he may be dead in a couple of years and would leave all those people hurt for a couple years of happiness with me. He also suggested I did not want to look after an old man.

 

So here I am again, all in love with him. . .again. I am tempted to tell his wife and let the chips fall where they may. I actually don't think he could live without me, but you never know. He could throw me under the bus. . .

 

These things are so so hard. Never have an affair.

 

Being threatened to be left with nothing but his shoelaces (drama king), his age, respect of his children, etc. ensures a rather large bus would be driven over you rather quickly.

 

He can live without you. He's told you that by telling you he may be dead in a couple years and he doesn't want to burden you with an old man.

 

Although the load would be light since he'd only be bringing his shoelaces with him, call his bluff and end it. He's already told you he's not leaving.

[Red Wolverine]

Yes and the same MM who actually said he had thought of ways of killing her so his problem would be solved.

 

I have my own protection if he throws me under the bus. . .he'll be thrown right back and out on his ass. . .I have him on tape telling me he wanted me to sit across from his wife after I just screwed her husband. . .laughing about it. Oh, and plenty of voice mail messages.

 

Oh ****.

 

If he can't muster the balls to leave her, I'm doubting murder is on his mind. Again, drama king.

 

All kidding aside, that is twisted. Imagine the guilt of that. Further, what if he said you played a hand in it? At a minimum, you had prior knowledge.

 

This guy might take the prize on this board.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Red...with all respect...that is how bs end up dead. By coward ws and ap, who drink too much of the koolaid..and want to keep their so-called good name intact....or who want it all....literally.

 

The money, the kids, their good name, their ap, the house, the business...everything.

[Red Wolverine]

Red...with all respect...that is how bs end up dead. By coward ws and ap, who drink too much of the koolaid..and want to keep their so-called good name intact....or who want it all....literally.

 

The money, the kids, their good name, their ap, the house, the business...everything.

 

I see your point however he's already told the OP he's not leaving. That doesn't sound like the start to a murder plot to me.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Seriously? You are 49?

[solostand]

Seriously, the killing the wife thing went like this "I was so ****ed up in love with you that I actually was thinking of ways I could kill her and get away with it.)

 

Now the reason I didn't actually BELIEVE he would kill his wife was because many years ago, I was very unhappily married and had fantasies of my husband dying so the problem would just disappear. Of course, in no way would I have killed him. I eventually found the courage to just WALK AWAY to be happy, which I did.

 

 

Also, my sister was in a very unhappy marriage and she used to fantasize to me about ways she could kill her husband and get away with it. It was pure fantasy from the mind of someone who felt very trapped. She too summoned the courage to just walk away.

 

So yes, people who feel trapped think these things, although not many will say these things out loud. So no, I don't actually think he would kill his wife or even do more than say the words he said. . .

 

I sense he has a major amount of resentment towards his wife. But that's his fault. He told me when we first met (long before our affair started) that his marriage had died long ago from neglect.

 

And yes he is too old for me. One of my biggest fears is that one day I will wake up and read the obituaries and his name will be in it - and then I won't even be able to grieve openly.

 

Would I be interested in him if he was not rich? Well, when I first met him I had no idea of his circumstances (he grew up poor and is not into materialism so the only hint you would have is that he drives a nice vehicle) and I liked him a lot then.

 

And he comes across as a very gentle teddy bear to the point that he gives complete strangers money and would help anyone out. At Christmas, he anonymously gives money to people he knows are suffering (I know because he got me to deliver an envelope once).

 

So I don't think he's a psychopath. Just very screwed up and lacking in courage.

 

And yes, he has told me he has cheated on his wife before and got caught once. However, he said he has never actually fallen in love before - not even with his wife - and that is why this is so hard for him.

 

And yes, his wife is like his mother in the sense that she looks after him so what man is gonna give up his mother when he can have a mother and girlfriend at the same time?

 

Keep in mind too, when I threatend to tell his wife, he did not try to stop me. He was willing to take the consequences. I think maybe he wants someone to tell her. Anyone but him, so to speak.

[thefooloftheyear]

No, IMO...Hes not killing his wife...Hes just saying that....

 

If he's as wealthy as you say he is, hes only spending lunch money on you...Its not a matter of him not mustering the courage or that he doesnt have the balls.Thats wherre most people are missing the point..He doesnt want to leave, and blow his life up..Its a calculated plan...The only millionaires I know of that are dumb are lottery winners. Hes neither stupid, nor spineless...This is his way of orchestrating his life..You are just the bit player.

 

Its you that doesnt have the courage...Im sorry to say that, but its true. You have become dependent on him now..Like some of the others say, cut off the sex and see what happens. He may still help you, but he will probably be less accessible, as he will most undoubtedly move on to someone else. I agree with some of the others..I dont think you really love this man..He is your security blanket and you cant give that up..

 

So, either swallow your pride,and accept the conditions and play along(you wont be the first or last), or restore your self worth and autonomy and move along..

 

Its just that simple..

 

TFY