If you only knew

[I Survived]

I thought I had a pretty good marriage. But there was a time when my husband didn't feel good about himself and he didn't think I loved him. Along came the other woman and he was ripe for the picking. He carried on an internet, telephone relationship with her for six months until I found out. It's been six months since I found out and it still hurts. She knew he was married but that didn't matter to her. I can forgive him because I know that he is sorry but I cannot forgive them for making a fool of me. All that time, I thought he didn't love me because of something I had done when all along he didn't love me because of her. I thought he was so angry at me for being inattentive. He had her to talk to, about me, they made plans to be together. Future plans. She would leave her husband, and he would leave me. Why didn't he go to her? I don't know. But he stayed with me. He says he's sorry and I can forgive everything but being made a fool. It hurts so much. Can I get beyond it? Can I accept what I have after discovering the lies, the deceit. What did those vows mean? I'll love you until something else comes along. If I hadn't been a strong woman, I'd be dead by now. If other women only knew what pain they caused when they mess around with married men........

[Devildog]

They know Still hurting, they know. They just don't care at the time. They feel good about themselves and they don't care if anyone else gets hurt. It is the selfishness that infects our society these days. As long as they are happy the rest of the world can rot. People tend to not care that their actions in a relationship have an effect on more than just themselves.

 

Only you can decide if you can get over the feeling of being made a fool of. You might want to try counselling with your husband and find out what caused this to happen in the first place. It would also help you learn to deal with your feelings of betrayal.

[Patiently waiting]

Well, I thought I actually posted this when i read your story. This is exactly what happened to me! It has been 6 months for me as well! Unfortunately he continued to see her even after professing his love for me. She was a very good friend of ours, we used to go over to her house all the time. We were great friends with her husband and our kids were friends.

 

Now I am the OW in a relationship, read my story on "MM wife finally found out" post. You will see that I am STILL being made the fool.......

 

And yes, we do know.....it sucks, I hate myself for it.......it's got to end....I've got to learn to love myself

[2Confuzed]

Originally posted by Devildog

They know Still hurting, they know. They just don't care at the time. They feel good about themselves and they don't care if anyone else gets hurt. It is the selfishness that infects our society these days. As long as they are happy the rest of the world can rot. People tend to not care that their actions in a relationship have an effect on more than just themselves.

 

Only you can decide if you can get over the feeling of being made a fool of. You might want to try counselling with your husband and find out what caused this to happen in the first place. It would also help you learn to deal with your feelings of betrayal.

 

 

Devildog,

That is just not true. Saying that the OW doesn't care about the wife's feelings is a very general statement. We do care about other people's feelings, that is why these situations are so difficult. But at the same time, how much should we care when the husband doesn't even care enough to stay faithful? You have to understand that we are not always told the entire story by these MM. If we actually sat down with the wives and heard their side of the story, I'm sure half the affairs that occur, wouldn't. Please don't blame us entirely, we do have feelings and we do care, but you must realize that we only get one side of the story.

[I Survived]

Originally posted by 2Confuzed

we only get one side of the story.

 

So if you know that, why do you still go ahead and have the affair? He has enough problems without adding adultery to the mix. If you truly cared for him you would tell him to go take care of what you already have, try to make it work. You are enabling him. Where's your pride? Sorry, you'll get no pity from me.

[bluechocolate]

from 2Confuzed

If we actually sat down with the wives and heard their side of the story,.....

You could read plenty of 'em here - including this one.

from Still Hurting

Can I get beyond it?

I think so, but you know it's going to be a long hard slog. You have my best wishes.

 

Have you read this?

 

Coping with Infidelity: Part 3

Restoring the Marital Relationship http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html

[I Survived]

Thank You bluechocolate. This is not the first time that you have given me good advice.

[bluechocolate]

cheers

[2Confuzed]

Originally posted by Still Hurting

 

 

So if you know that, why do you still go ahead and have the affair? He has enough problems without adding adultery to the mix. If you truly cared for him you would tell him to go take care of what you already have, try to make it work. You are enabling him. Where's your pride? Sorry, you'll get no pity from me.

 

 

I'm so glad you asked. That is exactly what I did, a few months ago. I couldn't take it and neither could he. So, to answer your question, I did tell him to take care of what he needs to take care of. We haven't been together since September. We see eachother at work and talk casually while we are there, but that's as far as it goes.

 

So, Still Hurting, I understand where you are coming from and that would've been a very good point..... if it were true. Better luck next time

[Patiently waiting]

Originally posted by 2Confuzed

 

 

 

I'm so glad you asked. That is exactly what I did, a few months ago. I couldn't take it and neither could he. So, to answer your question, I did tell him to take care of what he needs to take care of. We haven't been together since September. We see eachother at work and talk casually while we are there, but that's as far as it goes.

 

So, Still Hurting, I understand where you are coming from and that would've been a very good point..... if it were true. Better luck next time

 

 

I so wish I were already you 2confuzed! I hope I can be as strong.

[Owl]

I can completely understand how you feel, Stillhurtin. Been six months for me, and your story and mine are nearly identical, except that it was my wife who had the online emotional affair. ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ ) It was with a man she met online while playing an MMORPG. Both of us have played this game for a good while now. A large part of the pain I'm STILL dealing with is the fact that this went on RIGHT next to me. They were IMing each other all the time, and even when all three of us were in game "together", they were sharing secret messages telling each other how much they loved each other, how they wished they could be together for real. All the while, they were begging me (my wife most of all) to come join in game and play together, the three of us!!! That deception is what's left some of the deepest scars. Six months later, we're doing things a lot differently now. We spend a lot of good time together, and very little time actually playing in game. We made changes in how we do play, so that it would be very hard for him to know who she is, or where to find her. They agreed to break things off, and I do believe that they did break it all off. BUT...every day I go to work, I worry if she's not at home IMing him, or calling him. I look at phone records, I try to keep an eye on what she's doing. I did have a keylogger on the computer, but it was one that she knew was there, and could have disabled it at any time without my knowledge. For every way I have thought to catch them if it was still going on, I can think of three ways around it.

 

So, do I believe that my wife is still in love with this other person, and still IMing him? No. Have I completely regained my trust in her...truthfully, no. And I'm not sure if I EVER will at this point...she shattered my trust once, and I don't know that I've got all the pieces anymore. It hurts....every single day I think about what happened, and it hurts. I think all you can do is what I've tried to do...let the old relationship with your spouse die, and work on making a new one. The pain...supposedly lessens the further we get away from what happened. I sure hope so...for the both of us I guess. Good luck, and hold in there lady!

[I Survived]

Owl

The woman who my husband had his internet/phone affair with was his girl friend from 30 years ago from his hometown. She contacted him and his ego was in such a sad state that he was very vulnerable. Yes, I know how you feel. He had his cell phone in his pocket on mute. He could be sitting right beside me and she would call. AUURRGHH! It was such a horrible feeling. I think this past weekend I finally got it ALLLLLLLL out. At least I feel like I did. I know my husband loves me, I know he realizes how much pain he inflicted on me and our relationship, and I trust that he will never do anything like that to us again. I have told him that I love him but without him in my life I would be okay. I would be sad but I could go on, my life would not end. If you are strong and okay with yourself, your wife will respect you and want to be with you and true to you. I did the same as you, checked the phone records, watched his emails, and I kept asking for details. Some therapists say that is not good. But my feeling was, how can I forgive when I don't know what I am forgiving. I know they sent each other presents, I know they made future plans to be together, I know they tried to get together at least once. The list goes on and on. For six months every day there was a new discovery which caused me to ask more questions. If I hadn't asked him, I would have never known the whole truth. Now, don't get me wrong, there are probably a hundred more things that they talked about that I will never know, but my curiousity has been satisfied. I don't need to know anymore, because none of it matters anymore. I know that our love is 500 times stronger than it ever was. We've talked more in the last 6 months than in the 14 years we've been together. We understand why we reacted to each other in the past. I am at peace now. I want the same for you and for everyone who is struggling to keep their marriage in tact. I say, if more people had morals, these cheating spouses wouldn't have anyone to turn to but what is right in front of them. I blame my husband for getting caught up with that floosie. I forgive him, but I will hate what she did until the day that I die. But like Scarlett O'Hara said "I'll think about that tomorrow" God Bless.

[izzybelle]

i understand the need to forgive your spouse in order to move on. and i suppose in many ways it may be helpful to you for the OW/OM to become the scapegoat for you to transfer any anger you feel toward her. but since this is the OW/OM forum i do feel the need to add my .02. yes, you're right that if people had the "morals" you believe they should cheating wouldn't happen. but... your spouse is the one who broke your vows. the OW/OM are at least partially to blame and i know i accept the part of that that was mine in my relationship. but i had no promises to my MMs W, he did. that doesn't make what i did right, but i wasn't the one who said...."'til death do us part." and like i said, i understand how it may be helpful for you to assign greater "blame" to the OW/OM i have to wonder in doing that whether or not you're really allowing yourself to heal as completely as you should or to deal with it completely. by forgiving him and hating the "floosie" seems to be at least to some extent, avoiding the problem. it's her fault, not his..... so what happens when another "floosie" happens on the scene? you say you believe he won't do this again... but.... i'm doubting you thought he'd do this to begin with.

please don't get me wrong, i do feel badly for what you're going through but since you are in the OW/OM forum.....

[I Survived]

Don't get me wrong. I totally know that my husband is the one who "broke his vows" but much more than that, he betrayed my trust in him. I have had lots of conversations with him about his adventure. We are good now. I guess I was being a little dramatic about hating her. Fact is, she doesn't even matter anymore. Nothing she said, or did, or tried to do means a thing to me. All I care about now is making sure that my husband and I have the greatest relationship for the rest of our lives. We are committed to each other.

I tried to communicate with her to see if there was something I could do to help her get through the ending of the relationship. All she wanted to do was torment me, laugh at me, tell me that my husband would "always love her and be in her heart." "Just a thought away" was her claim. I had an obsessive relationship years ago and I know how debilitating it can be. Crazy of me to think that I could help her. So, she's on her own now, probably looking for another guy to play with. (My husband was her second affair, at least that's what she told him) The woman has some problems. I'm not a shrink, but I thought I could talk her through it. Oh well. So izzybelle, don't worry, I love my husband so much now, it would be difficult to hate anyone. Take care. I hope things go well for you.

[izzybelle]

Still,

i do wish you well and it sounds like you and your H are on the right track. i had three "encounters" with my MM's W. two nasty emails and a bitter phone conversation. well, it wasn't really a phone conversation, i didn't have much of an opportunity to say much of anything just listen to the barrage of names. i just always worry when i hear a spouse say that they know it won't happen again. as my MM's W so nicely pointed out to me "i wasn't *'s first affair and i wouldn't be his last." his first from what i understand happened approx. 10 years ago, and i'm guessing at the time she didn't think he'd do it again either. needless to say, she took him back.....again.

[Owl]

Originally posted by izzybelle

..... so what happens when another "floosie" happens on the scene? you say you believe he won't do this again... but.... i'm doubting you thought he'd do this to begin with.

please don't get me wrong, i do feel badly for what you're going through but since you are in the OW/OM forum.....

 

 

Interesting point Izzy...but I dont' think ANYONE would get married if they thought the person they were marrying would do something like this. I darn sure didn't think my wife would have done what she did either...but, she did. So how can I believe that she won't do it again?? Well, when she had her affair the first time, she honestly deluded herself into thinking that we would be able to work it all out and that we'd end up as good friends. She always saw me as part of her life, even when she'd planned on running off to him. When I threw reality into her face and start laying out exactly what life was going to be like in the future if she left, it was a wake up call for her. I made it very clear that there was no way we'd ever be amicable if she left me for another man like that.

 

Is it rational for us "betrayed spouses" to blame the other person more than we blame our wandering spouses? Probably not. I have to admit, my wife was the one who stepped out in our marriage. No one made her do it, she did it of her own free will. And when confronted, her first choice was to run off to him rather than to do anything to salvage our marriage or family. Luckily it didn't work out that way, but there you go.

 

So why do we blame the OM/OW more than our spouses? My first thought is that if we can't find some way to forgive our spouses, there would be no basis for us to reconcile on at all. If we can't forgive them, then there's no rebuilding of our marriage. Ergo, we HAVE to forgive them if we want to keep them in our lives. And, they can be pretty damn convincing that they won't do it again. My wife has convinced me that she won't do something like this again, and I do believe her...or I'd be gone already. If it does happen again, there is no way in hell I'd trust her (or any other woman) again. FACT.

 

So, we can't keep blaming our wayward spouses. But, we're still dealing with the biggest possible hurt you can imagine in your life. One that we didn't see coming, and have no way to cope with at all. Somebody did this to us, but (we've already discussed) we can't blame our spouses....so that leaves....guess who??? Fair? No. Logical?? Hell no!! Was the affair fair to us? No. Was the affair logical?? Hell no!!

 

I have to say that my blaming the other man in this situation isn't entirely fair or logical...but I blame him anyway. He wasn't like some people are...he knew she was married from the first. He knew me, and could tell how much my wife meant to me. He also made the choice to pursue and woo her, even when he KNEW what the consequences were going to be. He too had options...she felt like she couldn't come to me with how she was feeling...but he had no such constraints. As my "friend", he had the option to let me know what she was feeling/saying...and he knew that pursuing her was wrong. But what did he do??? You got it.

 

Do I blame all the other OM/OWs out there? No. I realize that every situation is different. But, I do feel that everyone makes their own choices. My wife made the choice to do what she did. The OM in our situation made the choice to do what he did. I've been tempted to cheat...come on, everyone has. But, I CHOSE not to. And, I've chosen NOT to pursue a married woman as well. So, I don't feel sorry for anyone in the whole affair triangle but the betrayed spouse. We're the ones who are paying, and we DIDN'T make the wrong choice. I'll grant that its likely that in almost all of the affairs that occur, the betrayed spouse have their own amount of responsibility (I feel that I do anyway). Sorry if I stepped on any toes here. Feel free to flame away.

[Mr Spock]

After reading all your posts stillhurting (and others) all I want to do is tell you to shut up. If you're throwing a pity party, at least provide free beer.

 

You tell others they won't get any pity from you. So why should you get any from someone else? You f*cked up in your marriage. Of COURSE that doesn't mean your husband made a good choice in going outside your relationship for comfort, he should have focused on repairing the one he had or left you. But the fact remains you still f*cked up your marriage. So did he. Who did it worse? That's between you two.

 

And if you're so much "better" now why are you still on your apparently tireless crusade to pound your opinion into the OW forum anyways?

 

Shouldn't you be spending the time focusing on your marriage?

[Owl]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

After reading all your posts stillhurting (and others) all I want to do is tell you to shut up. If you're throwing a pity party, at least provide free beer.

 

You tell others they won't get any pity from you. So why should you get any from someone else? You f*cked up in your marriage. Of COURSE that doesn't mean your husband made a good choice in going outside your relationship for comfort, he should have focused on repairing the one he had or left you. But the fact remains you still f*cked up your marriage. So did he. Who did it worse? That's between you two.

 

And if you're so much "better" now why are you still on your apparently tireless crusade to pound your opinion into the OW forum anyways?

 

Shouldn't you be spending the time focusing on your marriage?

 

 

Wow...what a pleasant response. Have you ever replied in anything other than a negative fashion to a post on LS Spock? How about something constructive for a change?

[I Survived]

Hey Spock - do you eat with that mouth?

I may not have posted it here, but I did take responsibility for my part in the BETRAYAL. I was inattentive to my high maintenance husband but I had no choice. My mother has dementia and needed me. Hubby said "Do what you need to do" instead of saying "Hey, I need some attention, too". Then came the OW. Perfect timing. That is all water over the dam now, my mom has moved to assisted living. But Honey, until you walk in another person's shoes, don't throw insults. Life's too short. I do believe that this forum is the best place for us to try to help YOU understand what you do to a spouse's world when you get involved with a married person.

[izzybelle]

still,

i do find a few things you said somewhat curious....

 

But Honey, until you walk in another person's shoes, don't throw insults.

 

while i may not phrase things quite the same way as spock, i have to ask, have you walked in "my" shoes and calling someone a floosie i think counts as an insult. and i appreciate the fact that you are trying to get some of us to see the damage an affair may cause and i don't blame you for doing it, but sometimes even when things are said with good intentions and the desire to educate us about our errant ways they can come off sounding judgemental and hurtful.

[I Survived]

Yes izzybelle - I have walked in your shoes. And to this day I still feel guilty about the pain, anger, confusion, and mistrust that I put my family and my lover's family through. Regret is a terrible thing to deal with. I was selfish and self-centered. If I could undo it all - you bet I would. I suppose you think I deserved to be cheated on. But honestly, it helped me understand how my husband could get all caught up in having someone else pay attention to him. She fed his ego.

Enough said -

[izzybelle]

no i don't think you deserved to be hurt or cheated on. i know i've read so many posts on this site where people say things like "what goes around comes around" i don't believe that crap. nobody deserves to be hurt, and we all make mistakes, some learn from them and some may have to make the same mistake twice before they realize that the outcome wasn't just a fluke!

[Owl]

You know...I've been giving this thread a lot of thought lately. I wonder...now that a lot of the "OPs" out there have maybe read this, and heard from a couple of the betrayed spouses and how we have felt as a result of the affairs that have happened in our lives, does that have any impact on any of you? Do you feel that your situation is different, so this doesn't pertain? Or do you feel like it doesn't matter how the other spouse feels? Or what? I'm NOT picking a fight, and I don't intend to judge. Guess maybe I'd like to see your perspective. As long as none of you are MY wife's OM, I don't have any beef with any of you personally! LOL!!! Thoughts?

[izzybelle]

owl,

has it changed my perspective, probably. would i have still gotten involved with my MM, probably. my situation probably was a little different than most, or maybe not...one never really knows. his wife had told him, before me, that she was leaving him this summer. they were done, she was miserable, she said she hated him and wanted out as soon as their son left. which he didn't do as had been planned. so i entered into the relationship convinced that as of this summer he was going to be free, and i honestly believe he did too. had he told me up front he had no intention of leaving, or even given me the impression that there was a chance he'd say with his wife, i would have walked away. i only became involved with him because i was sure that he and i were going to be together. and based on what she'd said, i honestly didn't think she'd care. so as cruel as this will sound, and i know i only know one side of the story, i don't feel as badly for her as i probably should have. and i'm not totally convinced that she was hurt, angry yes, hurt i'm not so sure about.

but, yes, what i think for me has become clearer is that i would think carefully about even considering getting involved with someone who's married. i won't say never, but .... i'm not sure, to be honest, how much has changed from reading these perspectives as opposed to how much pain this has caused. perhaps a combination.

izzy

[tattoomytoe]

well i hve seen a lot of fingers pointed at the OW...but it is just as much the fault of the Married person that is doing the cheating.

 

i am not married, but i am still with my bf after he had cheated in July. i still have a very hard time believing him, and i do tell him when the times are and why. But he really makes no noticable efforts by action to dispell any of my distrusting thoughts.

 

i really want to believe that he is telling me the truth, and not just what i want to hear.

 

IMO- he should be bending over backwards to disprove any notions of cheating, and he has not, at least not to my satisfation.

 

i just think too much blame is put on the OW/ OM, when more needs to assigned if not accepted by the cheating spouse.