MikeM Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I am so confused. My wife and I have been married for 9 years I am 28 and she is 30. She absolutely means the word to me. I would do anything for her. She has been going back to school, so I have taken on her portion or the house work, we have always shared these responsibility. But I saw how stressed she was going to school, so I took over, and even cooked every nigh. Despite everything I was doing, she was pulling away from me. I figured it was the stress. Eventually, I found out it was another guy which she met in school. This guy is nothing like me, he's a jerk. He's an alcoholic, he is living with a woman, but says he's only with her because she has a good job. He has no job. i have always been considered the nice guy. So I figured I was just too nice and maybe women don't like nice guys. My wife said she thought she might be going through a phase and liked the excitement of a bad boy. I trusted her when she said she never cheated. She quit telling me she loved me, and didn't want to show any public physical contact. But when we were alone, we had sex more than we ever had before. I'm talking about just about every night, and sometimes several times a day. I couldn't understand how we could be so interment, and she still constantly told me she wasn't in love with me. Soon after, she got pregnant. We were so happy because we have been trying for nine years, with three previous miscarriages. For the six week of pregnancy, she said she didn't have feelings for the guy anymore, but she was happy things happened like that because she realized how much I meant to her. Then she had a miscarriage, making this number 4. We were so sad, and I let her know I still loved her, it wasn't her fault, and no matter what, I wouldn't leave her because of it. Although it was difficult, we were still really close and seemed to be madly in love, or at least I was. Soon after, she told me she was going out to get a drink with him. I told her I was not okay with it. She said she didn't have feelings for him anymore, and they were just friends. She said I could trust her. I told her I didn't trust him. Against my wishes, she went out with him anyway. She has developed feeling for him again, and isn't in love with me any more. She says she loves me and cares about me, but isn't in love with me. So I decided that we needed time apart. The second night being apart, she text me and asked me to come home. We made love that night. Soon after she we did, told me not to get use to it. She was just feeling generous. That broke my heart. I have been stoping by the house everyday, and we make love. She doesn't want me to move out, but she still wants to see him. She goes to see him everyday at the college, even though she doesn't have class, she goes out of her way to go there just to see him. Before she goes, she gives me a big hug and kiss, and says she loves me. Then leaves to see him. She says it's nothing, even though she has feeling for him, their just friends. I didn't know it was possible to be just friends with someone you have feelings for. I am so confused. I don't know if she is leading me on, or if she really loves me. I don't know why we have so much passion in our marriage now. Is she just thinking of him? Should I wait it out and see if this will pass, or should I leave and forget about it. We are now sleeping in separate rooms, and she makes comments that she doesn't want me here, than gets mad when I say I'm going to move out. Then when I see her in the morning, she gives me the biggest smile. And she can't quit talking to me. I constantly tell her how beautiful she is, then she will ask me how she looks five more times that same day. I say you know I think you're lovely. She is just sending out some seriously mixes signals. Is she looking for a way out of the marriage, or is she just trying to get my attention? It's killing me. She is my best friend, and now I have no one to talk to. Please help. I need advice.
revitup Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 No mixed signals here brother. You're her bit#h! A cuckold a male concubine,a nobody. She is mentally unstable and has possible Personality Disorder issues of some kind.Maybe just plain old crazy. You either get out now or we will see you here over and over and over again. You picked the wrong one and she has No Respect for you in any sense of the word.She (nor any woman) will "Love" a man who will allow her to do this to him.Would you respect me if I allowed a woman to de-nut me in my own house,again and again? You're a man,act like one and tell her to go see him-then throw her junk azz crap out. Sorry,that's just the way I see it. REVITUP 3
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I am so confused. My wife and I have been married for 9 years I am 28 and she is 30. She absolutely means the word to me. I would do anything for her. She has been going back to school, so I have taken on her portion or the house work, we have always shared these responsibility. But I saw how stressed she was going to school, so I took over, and even cooked every nigh. Despite everything I was doing, she was pulling away from me. I figured it was the stress. Eventually, I found out it was another guy which she met in school. This guy is nothing like me, he's a jerk. He's an alcoholic, he is living with a woman, but says he's only with her because she has a good job. He has no job. i have always been considered the nice guy. So I figured I was just too nice and maybe women don't like nice guys. My wife said she thought she might be going through a phase and liked the excitement of a bad boy. I trusted her when she said she never cheated. She quit telling me she loved me, and didn't want to show any public physical contact. But when we were alone, we had sex more than we ever had before. I'm talking about just about every night, and sometimes several times a day. I couldn't understand how we could be so interment, and she still constantly told me she wasn't in love with me. Soon after, she got pregnant. We were so happy because we have been trying for nine years, with three previous miscarriages. For the six week of pregnancy, she said she didn't have feelings for the guy anymore, but she was happy things happened like that because she realized how much I meant to her. Then she had a miscarriage, making this number 4. We were so sad, and I let her know I still loved her, it wasn't her fault, and no matter what, I wouldn't leave her because of it. Although it was difficult, we were still really close and seemed to be madly in love, or at least I was. Soon after, she told me she was going out to get a drink with him. I told her I was not okay with it. She said she didn't have feelings for him anymore, and they were just friends. She said I could trust her. I told her I didn't trust him. Against my wishes, she went out with him anyway. She has developed feeling for him again, and isn't in love with me any more. She says she loves me and cares about me, but isn't in love with me. So I decided that we needed time apart. The second night being apart, she text me and asked me to come home. We made love that night. Soon after she we did, told me not to get use to it. She was just feeling generous. That broke my heart. I have been stoping by the house everyday, and we make love. She doesn't want me to move out, but she still wants to see him. She goes to see him everyday at the college, even though she doesn't have class, she goes out of her way to go there just to see him. Before she goes, she gives me a big hug and kiss, and says she loves me. Then leaves to see him. She says it's nothing, even though she has feeling for him, their just friends. I didn't know it was possible to be just friends with someone you have feelings for. I am so confused. I don't know if she is leading me on, or if she really loves me. I don't know why we have so much passion in our marriage now. Is she just thinking of him? Should I wait it out and see if this will pass, or should I leave and forget about it. We are now sleeping in separate rooms, and she makes comments that she doesn't want me here, than gets mad when I say I'm going to move out. Then when I see her in the morning, she gives me the biggest smile. And she can't quit talking to me. I constantly tell her how beautiful she is, then she will ask me how she looks five more times that same day. I say you know I think you're lovely. She is just sending out some seriously mixes signals. Is she looking for a way out of the marriage, or is she just trying to get my attention? It's killing me. She is my best friend, and now I have no one to talk to. Please help. I need advice. Best thing to do is to file for divorce, go no contact and let her see what life is really like with a drunk unemployed guy with a girlfriend and not you being her safety net. You take back your man card. This may snap her out of it, but at minimum you will have your self respect. 3
trippi1432 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Only way to stop being someone's yo-yo is to learn how to walk the dog...... 1
Steen719 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 No mixed signals here brother. You're her bit#h! A cuckold a male concubine,a nobody. She is mentally unstable and has possible Personality Disorder issues of some kind.Maybe just plain old crazy. You either get out now or we will see you here over and over and over again. You picked the wrong one and she has No Respect for you in any sense of the word.She (nor any woman) will "Love" a man who will allow her to do this to him.Would you respect me if I allowed a woman to de-nut me in my own house,again and again? You're a man,act like one and tell her to go see him-then throw her junk azz crap out. Sorry,that's just the way I see it. REVITUP Yep, yep, yep
hayewils Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I say find some where else to stay... don't tell her a damn thing, just go. don't answer texts, don't respond to email, turn off your phone.. this is what my ex did to me and let me tell you, its very effective.. But for you to sit there while she tells you she is going to see and have drinks with him? Buddy, I would throw chairs throw windows.. that would set me off. That is something that should not happen, neither should throwing chair throw windows but, nobody should put up with that crap. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.. I don't think so. She wants to tell you the way it is. no way! definatly time to step up and take your man card back. not just take it,, but snatch that SOB right away. let her think about it.. 2
todreaminblue Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) I think you guys got married pretty young and you are in the middle of a crisis, a rough spot.........make or break situation....you both need counselling........couples therapy to save the marriage that's a definite....if you ignore it ...its going to stockpile into an impossible save....she is sending you mixed signals....and i think the longer you continue to try and fix the relationship by making love it is making it worse.......because it is confusing you and solving nothing...... the only way you can be friends with some one who you have feelings for or have known intimately...is to have strict and defined boundaries that once crossed...the friendship ends.....when you are in a relationship or marriage...the person who should matter most is your partner....friends come and go often especially opposite sex friendships that are questionable...a husband is for life.......opposite sex friends .....never one on one time in privacy or meetings at night dinners out that sort of thing...it has to be no deal.......recipe for disaster....... you need to be firm in what you need from her.......which is fidelity for one you really cant avoid a break up by making love you know......the only way you can keep the marriage going is to get it all out in the open...with honest feelings shown and a neutral professional therapist who is good at their job...i wish you well in choosing the right therapist for the both of you ........... you have a rough spot in your marriage right now.....i dont suggest people give up when the going gets tough to me its a cop out and weak minded...but i do believe the tough get going when the going gets rough...meaning action in movement.....forward momentum......... ...so move your butt before its too late....express your desire to fix the marriage and get some counselling together...if she isnt open......be firm......stand up for what you want and need ...which is her isnt it ?and your continuing marriage ... so fight for it...till you cant fight anymore.for better or worse......when worse is right now the moment you posted this thread...have that firmly in mind...dont ignore it or think it iwll go away by itself....you both have to make it go away to get to better times................trust me she will have respect for you if she is a good woman....she will want to fix what you had and get it back.....then if it doesnt work...you have done your very best with no regrets to hold you back......or let it go and stockpile till it comes impossible to save and just continue to sleep with her............your choice...i wish you luck....i really do hope for the best possible outcome for the both of you..............deb Edited August 28, 2013 by todreaminblue 1
revitup Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I say find some where else to stay... don't tell her a damn thing, just go. don't answer texts, don't respond to email, turn off your phone.. this is what my ex did to me and let me tell you, its very effective.. But for you to sit there while she tells you she is going to see and have drinks with him? Buddy, I would throw chairs throw windows.. that would set me off. That is something that should not happen, neither should throwing chair throw windows but, nobody should put up with that crap. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.. I don't think so. She wants to tell you the way it is. no way! definatly time to step up and take your man card back. not just take it,, but snatch that SOB right away. let her think about it.. That's just funny to see in writing,true-but made me smile. REVITUP 1
hayewils Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I think you guys got married pretty young and you are in the middle of a crisis, a rough spot.........make or break situation....you both need counselling........couples therapy to save the marriage that's a definite....if you ignore it ...its going to stockpile into an impossible save....she is sending you mixed signals....and i think the longer you continue to try and fix the relationship by making love it is making it worse.......because it is confusing you and solving nothing...... the only way you can be friends with some one who you have feelings for or have known intimately...is to have strict and defined boundaries that once crossed...the friendship ends.....when you are in a relationship or marriage...the person who should matter most is your partner....friends come and go often especially opposite sex friendships that are questionable...a husband is for life.......opposite sex friends .....never one on one time in privacy or meetings at night dinners out that sort of thing...it has to be no deal.......recipe for disaster....... you need to be firm in what you need from her.......which is fidelity for one you really cant avoid a break up by making love you know......the only way you can keep the marriage going is to get it all out in the open...with honest feelings shown and a neutral professional therapist who is good at their job...i wish you well in choosing the right therapist for the both of you ........... you have a rough spot in your marriage right now.....i dont suggest people give up when the going gets tough to me its a cop out and weak minded...but i do believe the tough get going when the going gets rough...meaning action in movement.....forward momentum......... ...so move your butt before its too late....express your desire to fix the marriage and get some counselling together...if she isnt open......be firm......stand up for what you want and need ...which is her isnt it ?and your continuing marriage ... so fight for it...till you cant fight anymore.for better or worse......when worse is right now the moment you posted this thread...have that firmly in mind...dont ignore it or think it iwll go away by itself....you both have to make it go away to get to better times................trust me she will have respect for you if she is a good woman....she will want to fix what you had and get it back.....then if it doesnt work...you have done your very best with no regrets to hold you back......or let it go and stockpile till it comes impossible to save and just continue to sleep with her............your choice...i wish you luck....i really do hope for the best possible outcome for the both of you..............deb All worded perfectly, especially the section that I highlited. there are entirely to many people who just want to give up and walk away for little stupid reasons. for better for worse means nothing to most. I would definatly tell her how I felt about her meeting with the guy and still go stay somewhere for a while to let her think and let it sink in. Its when your gone, is when reality sets in. 1
Author MikeM Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I really do need to find a place to stay and get out of this situation. But the problem is that I care too much. I'm not even sure why. It doesn't seem like she cares too much about me right now. But I am the one with the good job. If I leave, she's out on her butt. She won't be able to find a place to stay and be able to pay her bills with her salary. And you know her drunk unemployed boyfriend wont be much help. So do I just say screw it and let her figure it out? Even if that means she ends up with nowhere to live? Again I feel like she has me trapped and it sucks.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) I really do need to find a place to stay and get out of this situation. But the problem is that I care too much. I'm not even sure why. It doesn't seem like she cares too much about me right now. But I am the one with the good job. If I leave, she's out on her butt. She won't be able to find a place to stay and be able to pay her bills with her salary. And you know her drunk unemployed boyfriend wont be much help. So do I just say screw it and let her figure it out? Even if that means she ends up with nowhere to live? Again I feel like she has me trapped and it sucks. Yes Mike. Let her suffer the consequence of her behavior. If you CARE about her then you have to allow her the chance to fail. Just like a drug addict, she needs to hit rock bottom. You need to meet with a lawyer and know your rights. Then you need to move forward. You can always stop or put on hold a divorce if she really snaps out of it over an extended time. If you own your home, moving out can be bad...so at least check. But until then. Move into a guest room. Start collecting your documents. Start the 180. Don't engage. Did someone give up you the link to the 180? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce Good luck Edited August 28, 2013 by It-is-what-it-is.
2sunny Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I really do need to find a place to stay and get out of this situation. But the problem is that I care too much. I'm not even sure why. It doesn't seem like she cares too much about me right now. But I am the one with the good job. If I leave, she's out on her butt. She won't be able to find a place to stay and be able to pay her bills with her salary. And you know her drunk unemployed boyfriend wont be much help. So do I just say screw it and let her figure it out? Even if that means she ends up with nowhere to live? Again I feel like she has me trapped and it sucks. Yep! The sooner her bad behavior has consequences - the better. She's having sex with you often - because she's fantasizing that it's the other guy. And she also figures it is the perfect manipulation so you give her - her way. It's working for her isn't it? She's trained you - she's allowed to treat you like $hit and you beg for more. That's not right! Stop allowing any of it! She's wiping her feet on you... Gain some self respect - tell her to get out - you shouldn't care where she goes. She's using you. Just stop it! SHE can move - not you! I'd be wondering if that baby was even yours.
ShannonBanana Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 The term that comes to mind with this is 'tough love' - means to employ tough or harsh responses to someone that you care about who is demonstrating destructive behavior, in an attempt to help them in the long run. And it's a book (I know I keep bringing up books)-Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. It's written for this very situation. The reviews on the book are almost all favourable. I think it has a Christian slant, but if you are not religious, I think it's very palatable. I think you should look into getting it cheap on Amazon. Not tomorrow....today! Also, right away, it seemed to me that perhaps you have some self-esteem issues you can work on. I also believe that most problems can be fixed, but it appears as though she may need to be given the space to go through this very awkward and crazy time without dragging you into the mess. So, step away from the quagmire. Get some self-respect (and earn hers in the process), practice tough love, and let time take it's course.
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