SJC2008 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 It's happened to all of us. There's a girl I've had a few classes with that I'm really attracted to. We didn't talk at all the first class we had together but last semester I got lucky and was late to class and the only open seat was next to her! Unfortunatley we didn't get to know eachother as I dropped the class. I now have her for another class and I know I'm going to get to know her becuase we have a mutual friend and we're going to start a study group. I think she'd be a good person to date becuase she's somewhat shy like me but the problem is she has a BF (guilty as charged for FB stalking). Anyway, I don't want to be the guy who waits in the shadows or "steal" her bf but I do like her. Once I get to know her is there a subtle way of letting her know I'd date her without being disrepectful of the fact that she's in an R??
Philosoraptor Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Once I get to know her is there a subtle way of letting her know I'd date her without being disrepectful of the fact that she's in an R?? No. You can't knowingly know she's seeing someone, and ask her to end/betray her relationship, without being disrespectful. Put yourself in this other guys shoes. Would you be happy with someone else trying to date your girlfriend? Even more, if she's willing to date you/leave her boyfriend... who's to say she wouldn't do the same if she did end up in a relationship with you? 3
crederer Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Yah I agree with the above. Don't be a sheisty guy. Find another girl that is single, and don't do anything differently with her that you wouldn't do with any of your guy friends.
Babolat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 It's happened to all of us. There's a girl I've had a few classes with that I'm really attracted to. We didn't talk at all the first class we had together but last semester I got lucky and was late to class and the only open seat was next to her! Unfortunatley we didn't get to know eachother as I dropped the class. I now have her for another class and I know I'm going to get to know her becuase we have a mutual friend and we're going to start a study group. I think she'd be a good person to date becuase she's somewhat shy like me but the problem is she has a BF (guilty as charged for FB stalking). Anyway, I don't want to be the guy who waits in the shadows or "steal" her bf but I do like her. Once I get to know her is there a subtle way of letting her know I'd date her without being disrepectful of the fact that she's in an R?? Been there done, that, move on to another good person. 1
tbf Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If you must be selfish, consider it from the selfish perspective. Someone who can be stolen, can be stolen from you and leave you devastated. Why bother with someone like that since it's very rare that people who display emotionally dysfunctional patterns of behaviour will change for you? Avoid branch swingers. 2
Poptree Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Plenty of single chicks looking for somebody. You don't want someone who's already attached.
CherryT Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If you know she's in a relationship, I'd move on. If she's going to dump someone for you, you should expect to be next. Plus, why would you want a girl who jumps from one guy to the next? Perhaps be friends with her first and if she becomes single, give her time to heal, and then make your move. Respect her relationship and her boyfriend. Yes, he's a stranger but what makes you a better catch than him? If she loves him, you can bet that she'll find you sleazy for trying. A guy tried to tell me he was better than my boyfriend and I laughed in his face and the friendship was off that very second.
Woggle Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Being a cheater will kill my attraction for a woman dead so if she were willing to cheat on him with me I would no longer be attracted to her.
MrCastle Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You don't do things to influence their breakup, but if it just so happens they do, you swoop in and scoop her up. Keep in touch with her. Relationships are a joke during your youth. Those things come and go with the wind. 2
Author SJC2008 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Mabye I articulated poorly but I thought I was clear that I'm not going to try to split them up, I'm not like that. I guess asking if there was a way to let her know was a dumb question:( This is the second time I've been in this type of situation and I didn't say anything to the other girl I just let it go so I guess I'll let this go.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Personally I pretty much back-off completely at that stage, I don't have any motives to "steal" or get a sense of whether their relationship is on the rocks or not...that's not my concern to determine whether I should make a move or whether she's somewhat available. If I do connect with someone who happens to be in a relationship after the fact then I'll keep it platonic and not intentionally flirt and try to keep a mutual line of respect in light of their relationship... I say intentionally because I probably have deeper conversations with people in general in real life...man or woman, and I tend to share a lot of how I feel and what I think and I can sense a level of discontent in people, and I like to talk about those things with people (not just the discontent, the deeper stuff) to get a better understanding of who they are and how they work. But with women of course, especially that you're attracted to and have some undeniable chemistry with, that can be wandering into dangerous territory so at times I've had to pull back to respect that invisible line of encroachment. I also don't ever recall meeting someone while in a relationship then after they broke up with that person ended up dating them...but I have a horrible memory, I either didn't focus on it at the time because I had my focus elsewhere or It wasn't something I consciously pursued...but I don't remember really it would have been in my youth, when I hear the word "boyfriend" I pull on the E-brake and bust a u-turn.
xxoo Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You shouldn't let her know you are interested. That will come off as icky, knowing that she has a boyfriend. But there is nothing stopping you from being charming and witty in her presence, just like every other girl's presence. And if the time comes when she breaks up with her boyfriend, tell her you can help her forget him Meanwhile, focus on meeting other girls. When you get together for study group, ask her to bring some pretty friends! 3
NateC Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I know someone who has a guy "friend" who's obviously very interested in her but she already has a boyfriend ...but that doesn't stop him. It's like ..."really? Of all the girls, you go for the one that's taken?" -_-
jacg89 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You seem to have a plan with this girl.. But you barely know her? If you do happen to "get to know her" don't be creepy or try to physchologically get her to like you, or let her know that you like her... You don't know what kind of a relationship she is already in, BUT SHE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP. be her friend... you don't know what the future holds... if she breaks up with her boyfriend in the future, then after that you can attempt to get more intimate... I feel that if you try to do this after you get to know her and she is still in a relationship, you are only going to hurt your friendship. Have some respect.
Jangles524 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) You have romantic feelings for her already? You cannot be friends with her without that getting stronger. If you start getting to know her, on the bottom layer of it all you are trying to get her to split up with her boyfriend. You want it to happen. Don't deny your heart would skip a beat if you found out she was single tomorrow. If you aren't a ****ty person, you will realize the situation as a whole, and leave her alone out of respect for her relationship. If she drops a decent relationship on a dime for you, she is even a worse display of character. Do you seriously think she wouldn't do the same to you for the next guy who "just wants to be her friend"? Facebook her or something and just keep her around. Maybe someday down the road you will notice she split with him and you can start a friendship that may become something more. But pretty much anything you can do at this point will have the ulterior motives of you trying to work her boyfriend out of the picture. I have the unfortunate experience of being her boyfriend in this picture. But in my story, the a**hole actually got her to leave me. Edited August 29, 2013 by Jangles524
Mrlonelyone Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Your in college and she has a boyfriend. While you should not try to break them up, the question is just how real and serious is the Rlship. Not all relationships are very serious. When people blanket say never make a move on a "taken" woman or man they have in mind someone who is really in love. When two people are really in love nothing and no one will keep them apart for very long. When two people are really in love they cannot be stolen from eachother. In college how often are couples really in love, the kind that would survive a summer or graduation? Almost never. Here are a few levels I see in college. The regular hangout / hook up "relationship". This is the most common "relationship" it's super casual and often undefined as a relationship by the people in it. The reason being that everyone knows that graduation or flunking out will end it. The exclusive hook up "relationship". The same as the above with exclusivity. In both cases the driving factor is some physical attraction, common interest, and really convenience. Whoever's dorm room door is fewer steps away gets the girl/guy. Above this line you can still hit on and make your interest in the woman known. It's not that serious. _______________________________________ Below this line the relationship is real and you wouldn't want to break that up. It would be a shady thing to do and would have long lasting fallout. If such a woman does break with her BF in these kinds of relationships it would take six months to a year to get over it and really be emotionally available to a new man. Don't waste your time. The real adult relationship. The two above can become a relationship that is just like a real adult relationship with a real future if the two invest in each other. i.e. they make concrete post college plans for a shared future and integrate their friends and family lives over time. This is a relationship in which the people in it are looking to find someone to marry. Engaged to be engaged. This level of relationship is really serious. This is where people have fully integrated their personal lives and there is an understanding that they are going to get married. These last two have in common people who are either living together or practically living together. Then of course engagement and marriage.
Dzlez Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I actually had that recently. There was this girl who I liked for a long time but I found out she had a bf, I kinda kept my distance because I respected that she is in a relationship. 4 months later they broke up and I went in for the kill lol. Didn't end well, really thought we had something but I guess I just invested too much after that first date. (2nd date was canceled and no reschedule was offered)
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