ShiningMoon Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I met this guy a few weeks ago, online, again. We met. He later asked me out. Cool. I agree. Then we're having a conversation and I drop that I wanna be "friends (or else)" (It was meant to be part of a joke). The guy brushed it off jokingly saying "You know what you want". Due to pressing personal reasons, I had to delete my account on that website. I hadn't informed him I was going to delete it. About 6 days later, I sent him a text apologizing for disappearing. He agrees and plans our first date. The date didn't happen because he had to cancel. Then, my mistake again, I tell him I just wanna "hang out" and I'm not interested in a date. He says, he's fine with that too. He texts me a week later to plan a date. I have to cancel but I forgot to ask him to reschedule. He was the one who asked me to reschedule and I just said "Maybe some other day". From that point, he never contacted me again until I initiated contact myself. Did I make him believe I was not interested? Retrospectively, I think I did. It's so wrong because I was really really into him, but just all over the place with work. I feel pretty bad.
HEY2147 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 If I were to be in his shoes honestly yeah 100%. I would also think that you're just jerking me around and have no interest in a romantic relationship with me. To me the "Maybe some other day" is like a cop out of saying NO. Like if a guy asks a girl to prom and the girl says "I don't know if Im going to go, so you should ask someone else okay." If you wanna date ask for a date not hang out, at first he probably brushed it off thinking you're nervous, now he sees it as not interested. Just adding my two cents 3
Treasa Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I agree. It wasn't that one time that gave him the impression, but that time in addition to the other things you did first. If I were him, I'd be hesitant, too. 3
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) That's how I'd behave if I was trying to cowardly blow someone off... So yeah, you looked uninterested at worst, totally flaky at best. Edited August 27, 2013 by Star Gazer Typo 1
forgetmenot75 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I'd say yes, you made him believe you were not interested. Guys need some reassurance too... If he likes you, it's not too late, but I think he might have lost interest by now. Try texting him casually, see what he replies.
Woop1337 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I'm not saying you didn't like him. You just didn't like him enough.
Author ShiningMoon Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I'm not saying you didn't like him. You just didn't like him enough. I really did like him, trust me. When I don't like a guy, I just tell him outright. If I don't like him enough, I cut him off.
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I really did like him, trust me. When I don't like a guy, I just tell him outright. If I don't like him enough, I cut him off. Do you think you showed this guy you like him?
DresdenKing Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I tell him I just wanna "hang out" and I'm not interested in a date. Why? Just curious. As a guy, I'd interpret that as you just being lonely and in need of a friend to talk to, but aren't attracted to me or looking to be romantically involved. But you wrote that you're "really really into him", so I presume that you are. So, why the restrictive wording? A passive and indirect way to lower his expectations, perhaps? 1
Author ShiningMoon Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Why? Just curious. As a guy, I'd interpret that as you just being lonely and in need of a friend to talk to, but aren't attracted to me or looking to be romantically involved. But you wrote that you're "really really into him", so I presume that you are. So, why the restrictive wording? A passive and indirect way to lower his expectations, perhaps? I didn't want to seem "too interested". I have a fear of coming off too strong when I like a guy, so I try to hold back as much as I can. Dear God, I'd seriously hate myself if I were to find out he's seeing someone/not interested. He's probably the only guy I really liked in a really really long time. I definitely treated him pretty poorly, and I'm sure he felt like I was playing him.
Lansing Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Ha... I will assume that girls that did the same thing to me were actually "really interested and just didn't want to come across as too interested"... geez, yeah, you totally sent him a "I am not into you message" with all of those things.
DresdenKing Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I didn't want to seem "too interested". I have a fear of coming off too strong when I like a guy, so I try to hold back as much as I can. Dear God, I'd seriously hate myself if I were to find out he's seeing someone/not interested. He's probably the only guy I really liked in a really really long time. I definitely treated him pretty poorly, and I'm sure he felt like I was playing him. Well now that we've all established the damage you've done and shamed you for it haha.. you should know what your next step is to salvage this. Don't worry about the small talk from here on, simply set a date with him. Your actions/body language will speak louder to him when you meet up. Tell him you've just been so busy with work (the truth) but you have an opening on whichever day you're free. You can gauge his interest better that way than sending sporadic texts back and forth, which is what it sounds like you're doing now.
Author ShiningMoon Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Ha... I will assume that girls that did the same thing to me were actually "really interested and just didn't want to come across as too interested"... geez, yeah, you totally sent him a "I am not into you message" with all of those things. Yep, I just gathered that. Poor guy, to say he asked me out and kept contacting me everyday afterwards, I'd be pretty lucky if he accepts to see me again.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah, you screwed up. I understand that you want a guy to chase you, but you have to give him something to chase. You basically said you wanted to hang out as friends and then you blew him off with a noncommital rescheduling. If I were him I would have just brushed you off too. 2
phineas Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I didn't want to seem "too interested". I have a fear of coming off too strong when I like a guy, so I try to hold back as much as I can. Dear God, I'd seriously hate myself if I were to find out he's seeing someone/not interested. He's probably the only guy I really liked in a really really long time. I definitely treated him pretty poorly, and I'm sure he felt like I was playing him. You basically showed him you had nothing to offer. So why would he contact you? I don't even know how you could salvage this other than directly asking him out on a DATE. Your treat to make it up to him. During the week so he doesn't have to worry about you flaking on him over the weekend.
MrTurk Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 This has become the mainstay of soooooo many women in the dating world nowadays. Do women talk among themselves and spread these ideas between each other??? "Just tell him you want to hang out" I have never seen it so bad as this past year. I mean EVERY womans profile mentions some term relating to it. Its like they want to meet the guy....but they use this terminology as a way to keep a buffer between them....and then if its doesnt work out....they point to the disclaimer in their profile and say...."well did you read the fine print...it said I just wanted hang out". Is this the new way that women deal out rejection? Its allows them to meet the guy without admitting any interest!!! .
MrTurk Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Well … if you don't know someone, and you don't know if you would like to date them, hanging out is a reasonable first step. That's probably why women have that in their profiles. Its a double standard. Because they are on a dating site....and part of their profile says what they want in a man....and then somewhere tucked in there is a sentence where they say they just want to "see where it goes" or "hang out with the possibility of more" Its a mix on words. They are there for dating but dont want to admit to themselves or the rest of us that they are. You make a profile, you contact someone, you meet. If it works out great, if not, move on. There is no reason for all the added labels, terms, and bullsh*t. .
Woop1337 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Friends hang out. That's why I always use the word date. When I ask a woman out. Simple, black and white. No gray area. If she likes me, she'll say yes. Otherwise I'll watch her squirm and eek out a no and/or semi no, let's hang out kinda answer.
Keenly Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Stop toning back your feelings intentionally then, because its pretty much lying to him. The dude is not psychic, he is not going to be able to tell that you are interested if you keep giving him impressions that you aren't. My suggestion. Go out on a date with him. Attack him mid sentence with a kiss. Gauge his reaction.
Author ShiningMoon Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 What if I tell him this? I sincerely apologize if it seemed as though I was trying to blow you off repeatedly. It definitely was not the case. I was interested, just so you know. Timing was a little off due to our conflicting schedules and I got a little frustrated I guess (it's no excuse, I know). Does it sound like I'm interested or just desperate?
Star Gazer Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 What if I tell him this? I sincerely apologize if it seemed as though I was trying to blow you off repeatedly. It definitely was not the case. I was interested, just so you know. Timing was a little off due to our conflicting schedules and I got a little frustrated I guess (it's no excuse, I know). Does it sound like I'm interested or just desperate? It sounds like you WERE interested, not that you ARE. 1
Author ShiningMoon Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 It sounds like you WERE interested, not that you ARE. The problem is I haven't spoken to the guy in weeks. Hence, I'm afraid of saying "I am" only to get turned down because he's seeing someone. I don't know if he's seeing someone, so I have to take that into consideration. BUT, after that first paragraph, there is a second paragraph in which I ask him out.
MrTurk Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 The dude is not psychic The above statement will come as a surprise to many women around the world .
turt Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 What if I tell him this? I sincerely apologize if it seemed as though I was trying to blow you off repeatedly. It definitely was not the case. I was interested, just so you know. Timing was a little off due to our conflicting schedules and I got a little frustrated I guess (it's no excuse, I know). Does it sound like I'm interested or just desperate? Just say the truth - like you just said: I have a fear of coming off too strong when I like a guy, so I try to hold back as much as I can.
Star Gazer Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 The problem is I haven't spoken to the guy in weeks. Hence, I'm afraid of saying "I am" only to get turned down because he's seeing someone. I don't know if he's seeing someone, so I have to take that into consideration. BUT, after that first paragraph, there is a second paragraph in which I ask him out. How is saying you ARE interested any different than asking him out? By asking him out, you're telling him you're interested. His response will be what it is regardless. He put himself out there and you mucked it up; the least you could do is put yourself out there in return.
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