askalice Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Hi, I'm new, I hope this is the correct forum. I live with my boyfriend. We've been together about a year and a half, both in our early 30's. This happened last night and really bothers me. Can anyone translate and tell me what dynamic is going on? A lot of our fights are this way and trying to talk about it/work it out hasn't helped. (I'm changing some details for anonymity, but the conversation went down exactly this way.) My BF was helping a friend move and texted me a picture of a chair and asked if I wanted him to bring it home. I texted back "no". I went out for a bit and when I came home, I saw he had brought home the chair. He was really proud of it and asked if I liked it. I said, "Not really, but if you wanted the chair and knew you were going to bring it home anyway, why did you bother asking my opinion?" He got defensive and launched into a mini-tirade- how hard it was to haul up the stairs, I didn't appreciate his effort, he thought it would be nice for me, etc. I let him finish and said, calmly, "Hon, this isn't about the chair. It's about ignoring my opinion. Why did you do that" He was still in defensive mode and started saying things like, it's just a chair, I can't believe you are making a big fight over a stupid chair. I really wasn't upset about the chair and tried to make that clear. I said I was trying to open a line of communication with him about why he ignored my preference and to suggest if he was dead set on something, then don't ask for my opinion if he's going to do it anyway because I just feel undermined and not important. He was still cranky, so I said we would discuss it later. <head spinning> What happened??? I get that he didn't feel appreciated for his efforts, but I said I didn't want the chair in the first place! That's like getting offended when you cook a big dinner and no one eats because they told you they weren't hungry!
Author askalice Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Are one of the details about this story that you changed the fact that you're actually dating a woman? Ha! Sometimes it really feels that way.
nescafe1982 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Sounds to me like you got the gist: - for you, the chair made you feel like he disregarded your opinion. - for him, he felt negated and unappreciated for providing the chair. It's only a chair... or is it? Are these recurring motifs in your relationship? If so, maybe that's something to talk about, when you guys talk about it later. If not, maybe you guys chalk it up to a miscommunication and agree a chair is just a chair. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Is it possible that when you meant 'no, I definitely don't want the chair in the house' he heard 'no, I don't particularly want the chair' Like, you meant a definitive 'no thanks!' and he heard 'I don't particularly want it' which can easily be interpreted as you not being hugely bothered about getting it, but also isn't as clear that you definitely hate the chair? Either way, you guys have communication issues for this to happen over him bringing a chair home.
white Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 It's clear he loves the chair more than you; you should leave him to be with his chair forever and move on to find another man prepared to commit fully to you instead of other chairs. This is a proportionate response.
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 When he asked you if you wanted the chair, I don't think he was asking for permission to bring it home. He was likely asking for confirmation of a decision he'd already made because he liked the chair. So, you're ignoring his opinion and his effort just as much as he's ignoring yours.
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 That said, it's about more than the chair. I once had a BF start a fight with me over a pair of shoes. It was about something a lot deeper than the shoes...
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