Female friend ignoring me. Should I confront her or do nothing?

[tart6245]

That's the thing. I didn't want to date the girl I was seeing either. I just wanted her to be open and honest with me and not hide things whenever she wants, especially given all the effort I put into our relationship.

 

I get it. You want to be friends with her and she's acting weird. I'm just telling you that's what girls do. For whatever reason she doesn't want to get close to you, and you can't force it. She will be upfront about it if that's what she wants. No need to beat around the bush and wonder what every little thing she's doing.

 

As for her Facebook, who knows. It probably has nothing to do with you. If she wanted to talk to you, she absolutely knows where to find you. Trust me.

[sadaggouri]

She will be upfront about it if that's what she wants.

Problem is, she actually was very very upfront about this.I transfer you her exact words the day we got back.

I lack of true friends, you know. But when I have you, I don't feel like that at all. I really want us to be like we were before

Also , I am starting to thinking that it's because I kinda talked bad to her and acted childish the reason she stopped talking to me. But I am afraid to confront her, since she might tell me that nothing is wrong etc.

 

If she wanted to talk to you, she absolutely knows where to find you. Trust me.

Couldn't agree more. It's easier said than accepted though.

[NXS]

Problem is, she actually was very very upfront about this.I transfer you her exact words the day we got back.

Also , I am starting to thinking that it's because I kinda talked bad to her and acted childish the reason she stopped talking to me. But I am afraid to confront her, since she might tell me that nothing is wrong etc.

 

 

Couldn't agree more. It's easier said than accepted though.

 

I think you really are in love with this woman but want to pretend to yourself, and her, that all you want is friendship. We've all been there so know what you're going through and it's a horrible place to be. I agree with everything the other posters above have laid out for you. This is going to cause you nothing but endless heartache. She has you on a leash and you're afraid to say anything that might upset your 'friendship'.

 

I no you're not going to listen to me, or the other posters, but you can't keep this up and there's no going back. Also ask yourself, what is she bringing to this friendship? I can guarantee you that if you are really honest you'll see it's very little, just breadcrumbs.

[tart6245]

I think you really are in love with this woman but want to pretend to yourself, and her, that all you want is friendship. We've all been there so know what you're going through and it's a horrible place to be. I agree with everything the other posters above have laid out for you. This is going to cause you nothing but endless heartache. She has you on a leash and you're afraid to say anything that might upset your 'friendship'.

 

I no you're not going to listen to me, or the other posters, but you can't keep this up and there's no going back. Also ask yourself, what is she bringing to this friendship? I can guarantee you that if you are really honest you'll see it's very little, just breadcrumbs.

 

Yes, exactly. I asked myself the same thing about my situation...

 

What did she bring to the friendship?

Did I ever talk to her about my problems? No.

Did she ever go out of her way to include me in things she did? No.

Was it mostly me doing things for her? Yes.

Outside of the sex, did she once offer to do anything for me to show she cared? No.

Did she take my opinions to heart? No.

Did she respect my thoughts and listen to my advice when she asked for it? No.

 

That is for my situation. She really was never my friend - she only used me whenever she needed me. It's pretty clear to me now. She was never my friend.

 

What's going on with you is, she is using you as her emotional tampon when she needs you. When she doesn't, she goes missing and you are left in a tither wondering what's wrong. I do think you have feelings for her, strong ones, otherwise you wouldn't be so bothered by this. If she disappeared for a few days or weeks, you shouldn't really care.

 

It's okay that you do have feelings, too. I've been there plenty of times. The best course is to let the friendship die.

 

What would you do if she got a boyfriend? If she started openly talking about hooking up with other guys/seeing other guys? Would you like to hear about it? I highly doubt it, if you are a straight male like most of us here. I wager to think if she did do any of those things, you'd be heartbroken.

[sadaggouri]

Look, tell me whatever you want but I will be totally honest with you.

I was an emotional tampon yes. But she was a true friend. When I had some problems, she always listened and gave me advice, and sometimes she would feel sorry for telling me so many times her problems and wouldn't allow me to speak. There were times were she was extremely happy with everything in her life and we still talked like normal people.

 

It's just now that she has totally changed.

[tart6245]

Look, tell me whatever you want but I will be totally honest with you.

I was an emotional tampon yes. But she was a true friend. When I had some problems, she always listened and gave me advice, and sometimes she would feel sorry for telling me so many times her problems and wouldn't allow me to speak. There were times were she was extremely happy with everything in her life and we still talked like normal people.

 

It's just now that she has totally changed.

 

True friends don't just disappear, my friend. I have had a circle of friends since I was 12 years old that to this day I can say anything to, tell anything, be told anything, and rely on like they are my brothers. That is true friendship. They don't leave you wondering how they feel of you, and while you may not always talk daily, you know they are there.

 

You were right with your first sentence. She used you as her emotional tampon. Sadly, true friendships between men and women are few and far between. The lines get blurred, someone catches feelings and someone gets hurt. This happens far too often.

 

Things have totally changed. I don't know why, you don't either, but you can't force it. Things between my girl and I changed too a few weeks ago, and I just found out it was because she had a one night stand last week. But I know how you're feeling because I was in the same boat about a week ago, wondering why she no longer called me constantly and why she was being standoffish when I saw her in school.

 

You can do what I did, make a fool of yourself by lashing out at her, which will give you answers but likely end your communication, or sit back and wait for her to come to you, which may never happen but at least you won't be mortal enemies, which is what I am facing now. Either way, it's going to hurt and be frustrating. But there is nothing we can do.

[NXS]

Look, tell me whatever you want but I will be totally honest with you.

I was an emotional tampon yes. But she was a true friend. When I had some problems, she always listened and gave me advice, and sometimes she would feel sorry for telling me so many times her problems and wouldn't allow me to speak. There were times were she was extremely happy with everything in her life and we still talked like normal people.

 

It's just now that she has totally changed.

 

Sorry but this was never a real friendship and the first sign of ickyness proves it, she bailed and it hasn't been the same since. Furthermore you've never really been honest with her from the start, you wanted more and pretended you didn't. Maybe she knew this and just strung you along as an "emotional tampon" or maybe she was shocked when the truth came out and her whole view of the 'friendship' changed. She felt deceived.

 

Either way this was always going to be the end result. You repressed your feelings for her and eventually it just all came out, it was never going to be any other way. It happened and now you see that she really isn't interested in you except as a 'friend' or "emotional tampon" or whatever way it is that she views you. Either way now that she knows how you feel she's just using that information to suit her, she's calling you when it suits and the whole 'friendship' is constructed to meet her needs. You're afraid to even approach the subject because she may bail out again for another few months.

 

At this stage the genie is out of the bottle and there's no putting it back in. You can't go back to whatever it was before and even if you did it would mean more repressing your feelings, more walking on eggshells and more having to be an emotional tampon listening to her about her relationship dramas.

 

No my friend, you really have to let this one go it's not going to do anything for you except cause further heartache.

[sadaggouri]

True friends don't just disappear, my friend. I have had a circle of friends since I was 12 years old that to this day I can say anything to, tell anything, be told anything, and rely on like they are my brothers. That is true friendship. They don't leave you wondering how they feel of you, and while you may not always talk daily, you know they are there.

 

You were right with your first sentence. She used you as her emotional tampon. Sadly, true friendships between men and women are few and far between. The lines get blurred, someone catches feelings and someone gets hurt. This happens far too often.

 

Things have totally changed. I don't know why, you don't either, but you can't force it. Things between my girl and I changed too a few weeks ago, and I just found out it was because she had a one night stand last week. But I know how you're feeling because I was in the same boat about a week ago, wondering why she no longer called me constantly and why she was being standoffish when I saw her in school.

 

You can do what I did, make a fool of yourself by lashing out at her, which will give you answers but likely end your communication, or sit back and wait for her to come to you, which may never happen but at least you won't be mortal enemies, which is what I am facing now. Either way, it's going to hurt and be frustrating. But there is nothing we can do.

Well, you can be sure for one thing. IF I ever confront her , I won't just lash out on her. I am a very calm person and I can clear out some stuff with her. The worst thing that can happen is that she keeps insisting nothing happens.

 

The goddamn problem is that I don't know why she acts mean to me. I know her well and she only acts this way when she gets mad at someone.

 

I still insist on waiting some time and then confronting her and really ask her "Do you really want us to be friends, yes or no? "

[tart6245]

You're welcome to confront her, but don't expect a straight answer. She will likely avoid the question or say yes and make you feel foolish for daring to ask that question. She won't all of a sudden sit down with you and tell you all you want to hear and you'll leave the best of friends.

 

From all you have described, you had a friendship but something happened and its no longer. You're just going to create yourself more heartache than its worth over her trying to get to the bottom of this.

[sadaggouri]

You're welcome to confront her, but don't expect a straight answer. She will likely avoid the question or say yes and make you feel foolish for daring to ask that question. She won't all of a sudden sit down with you and tell you all you want to hear and you'll leave the best of friends.

 

Exactly, that's why I said I should wait some time.

[sadaggouri]

So yesterday we had a normal convo , and I decided to confront her in a playful manner and ask her where's been a week long. She answered that she was too busy with studying, and spending time with her bf, besides she stated I'm not the only one who told her this. The only problem is that I'm 100% sure she's lying.

 

UPDATE-BOMB : She decided to break up with her 1-month BF as he's leaving the town. Noow, if she talks to me like nothing ever happened, guess who ditched her friend for her BF!!

Edited September 2, 2013 by sadaggouri

[tart6245]

So yesterday we had a normal convo , and I decided to confront her in a playful manner and ask her where's been a week long. She answered that she was too busy with studying, and spending time with her bf, besides she stated I'm not the only one who told her this. The only problem is that I'm 100% sure she's lying.

 

UPDATE-BOMB : She decided to break up with her 1-month BF as he's leaving the town. Noow, if she talks to me like nothing ever happened, guess who ditched her friend for her BF!!

 

I really wouldn't push anything. She's vulnerable now which means she will likely use you to get over her ex. The fact that she had a boyfriend leads me to believe you are friend zoned and I have a hard time believing you'll make it out of it.

 

Good luck though if you chose to pursue her at all. I don't want anymore heartache for you, but I fear that's what will happen.

[BRXTN]

Keep us updated.

[CC12]

So yesterday we had a normal convo , and I decided to confront her in a playful manner and ask her where's been a week long. She answered that she was too busy with studying, and spending time with her bf, besides she stated I'm not the only one who told her this. The only problem is that I'm 100% sure she's lying.

 

UPDATE-BOMB : She decided to break up with her 1-month BF as he's leaving the town. Noow, if she talks to me like nothing ever happened, guess who ditched her friend for her BF!!

 

You keep saying that you just want to be friends with her. Okay. Are you like this with your other friends? Would you behave this way with a male friend? Like, if he didn't answer your calls for a while, and he told you it's because he was busy, would you do some digging to find out if he was actually busy or not? If he spent time with his girlfriend instead of you, would you think he's ditching you? Would you chase after him, asking, "Do you really want to be my friend, yes or no?" Or "Where have you been all week?"

 

I mean, maybe it's stuff like that that's pushing her away. It's not really fun to have a friend who questions your whereabouts, or gets pissed off if you don't contact them for a day, or who needs repeated affirmations that "Yes, we're still friends." Also, that's at least the second time in this thread you've accused her of lying. Maybe she's somehow picking up on your mistrust of her.

 

If I have the timeline correct, you two have just recently reestablished contact since you declared your love for her a few months ago, right? She's probably trying not to go down that road again, so is keeping normal, friendly contact with you this time.

 

I'm sorry, but you're being really weird about this friendship. Perhaps it would make it easier for you to deal with if you just admitted to yourself and the rest of us that you do in fact want to be with her, not just her friend. It is so obvious. You said this: "I am a realist and I know I cannot have her for the time being. But life is funny you know, unpredictable. You never know what's gonna happen." You are doing that thing some guys do where they pretend to just want friendship when in actuality, they're hanging around waiting for her to be available to them. You did this with her before and she didn't like it.

[tart6245]

Just leave her alone if you aren't okay with a friendship, and its obvious you're going to go about this friendship as a means to get into a relationship, and the chances it leads to that are nearly zero. You're opening yourself up to being hurt. That's the only way this will end at this stage. You'll follow her along until she actually finds a boyfriend and you'll be devastated. I've seen this happen a thousand times.

[Teknoe]

wow, this thread speaks so much to me. I am going through a very similar situation. became "good close friends" with a girl, but it was probably moreso one-sided.

 

I eventually confessed, and now things are in a weird state.

 

I last emailed her to say I'd love to hear about her trip sometime, and I'm leaving it at that. I won't contact her again until she reaches back.

 

It's tough putting your heart out on a limb like that, but at least I tried. There's some peace and solace in that.

[tart6245]

wow, this thread speaks so much to me. I am going through a very similar situation. became "good close friends" with a girl, but it was probably moreso one-sided.

 

I eventually confessed, and now things are in a weird state.

 

I last emailed her to say I'd love to hear about her trip sometime, and I'm leaving it at that. I won't contact her again until she reaches back.

 

It's tough putting your heart out on a limb like that, but at least I tried. There's some peace and solace in that.

 

Yeah, at least you will have an answer, but if she is acting weird, you need to move on. You will just hurt yourself otherwise. I've been there too, and it's best to really pull away and don't look back, even if she acts like she wants you back in the future.