Need some post BU support (like everyone else!)

[joe86]

I know this kind of thing gets posted all the time, and I've been reading posts on here especially a great one from barky2 about how to deal with things, but I think its just time to write things down. And why not do it here where I might get some feedback.

 

So my ex broke up with me last Sunday, quite spur of the moment. The Saturday night things were said which made it feel like it would all be over on Sunday, and then on Sunday morning the elephant in the room woke up. We haven't fallen out, but she hasn't been happy, mainly in herself which then made me unhappy.

 

She's had a tough time over the last year, splitting from a 3+ yr relationship, illness with a friend and a loss in the family. She started dating sometime around Christmas and we met in Feb and things moved quite quickly, things becoming official in May. I met her family 2 months after first meeting because it became inevitable, and this was a little too soon for her she admits. She also hasn't ever been sure she was totally ready for a relationship (which is my biggest fear), but things kept going with us until last week (so I must of been doing something right?).

 

So, I digress. She said she needs space to herself to figure out what she wants and what will make her happy, but she specifically said "don't become a stranger to me". I don't have a problem with this, I've just never been through it before. In the past it was always a definite end with previous ex's. She wants to meet up for a coffee soon, so I guess that'll be an opportunity to talk & catchup as to what we've been up to. I don't know if it'll be too soon to talk feelings though. The time has allowed me to see that I can make sure that I'm happy, and also know how to acknowledge when I'm not happy with a relationship (I'm usually happy to keep going in the hope it will get better).

 

After things happened last Sunday, she kept texting me to see what I was doing & that I was ok. This kinda confused me & on Monday she admitted she was worried she'd made a mistake, but only time would tell & she knew she needed that space. On the Wednesday I called, just because I felt like I had no control. I reassured her I didn't want to apply any pressure, but just needed to know if she saw any future where we might be back together. She said she didn't want to think about it right now, but it she didn't think there was no chance of it.

 

After that I found this place, immediately regretted that call & saying what I did & spent the weekend with Friend's & it was great. I've hit that feeling that I'm not in control of what happens again today, which has brought me here. I know I'm in control of my own life, but I still hope she wants a shot at things together because things were really looking promising. Since that call last week the only contact was her liking a new Fb profile pic of mine on friday, and we tweeted each other a few times last night (I felt that minor SN contact would remind her I'm still here, but not be as personal/intrusive as a text or call).

[barky2]

Hey man thanks for sharing your story...getting it out does help.

 

Thank for the shout out.

 

OK listen, you only have one shot at this..and you know what I'm going to say.

 

Nc.

 

Zero. None. Nada.

 

You need to let her know how it feels to have you out of her life

 

I want you to do me a favor.

 

Listening?

 

OK.

 

STOP USING ALL SOCIAL MEDIA FOR MINIMUM 2 WEEKS.

 

Yea I said it

 

Stop.

 

She's checking up on you and getting her " fix" from that.

 

Disappear...now.

 

If she contacts you, post it here, myself and other members will guide you how to respond if its needed

 

Stay strong bro, been there done that

 

 

 

BarkyBarky

[joe86]

Thanks Barky!

 

I knew you'd say that, but it's such a polar opposite to the way I am it'll be hard.

 

When she said not to be a stranger, the NC thing makes me afraid of pushing her away (or making her feel like I'm not interested), and yet at the same time I know the only way to know if she actually wants to see me again is for her to prove it & not have me instigate anything.

 

No SNs will be the hardest part. I'm effectively a twitter addict!

 

Another thing that I've began reading while with her is horoscopes, which I'm reading more of now! Don't know if anyone else has done that, but I suppose they help make sense of whatever you want them to because of how open ended they can be.

[barky2]

Don't be a stranger = don't go to far so I can slowly let go.

 

Or

 

So she can back burner you.

 

I'm telling you man, stop everything from this moment forward.

 

No liking pics statuses nothing.

 

 

When me and my ex were broke up, I checked her horoscope every single - day

 

It wasn't till I stopped and moved on and let go and got happy again, is when she came back.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[hopefulfaerie]

I agree with Barky on everything.

Especially the social media. It will be hard but don't check her FB!!!! Read some comments about people who have ( myself included) and how much they regret it.

I just have a feeling. Maybe women's intuition, that once you implement NC she may try to make you jelous with FB pics. DON'T fall for it. Even if it's innocent and she's purposely trying to get your attention, your mind will make it so much more. It will make you absolutely crazy at best!

Hang in there my friend and come post here if you feel the need to break NC. We are all here for you!!! That's a promise!!!

[joe86]

Thank you!

 

I think no social media will better for more than just her, I use it all the time and I guess that comes with certain jobs! No doubt I'll find elsewhere on here to post to pass the time & maybe start reading Digg again!

 

I don't think shes the type to post things to make me jealous, but equally I know all about twisting things in my head - which is part of the reason I joined here. I guess whats meant to be will be, we all know that, its just hard playing the waiting game.

[karpeezy]

Thank you!

 

I think no social media will better for more than just her, I use it all the time and I guess that comes with certain jobs! No doubt I'll find elsewhere on here to post to pass the time & maybe start reading Digg again!

 

I don't think shes the type to post things to make me jealous, but equally I know all about twisting things in my head - which is part of the reason I joined here. I guess whats meant to be will be, we all know that, its just hard playing the waiting game.

 

Social media is a tough one in my opinion. My ex made it easy for me ... he deactivated his whole facebook yesterday. He never liked it to begin with, so I guess I can't be surprised.

However, his mom, sister, cousin (who set us up), etc. are all online posting status updates (nothing to do with him or us or anything, just general things). I don't feel ready to delete them, so I have blocked them from my timeline.

He's still on my twitter and instagram as well .. but he hasn't used them in months so I'm not worried about seeing him post things. When I am ready, I will delete him. But I'm not ready yet. It's hard!

[joe86]

I thought I'd come & share a few more details & thoughts on this whole thing. And on that social media front, I have no problem ignoring Fb, but twitter is harder not to read. I'll get there though, I haven't posted, but read it quickly a lunchtime.

 

So, my last relationship before this one ended in a very similar fashion. She wasn't happy with herself, and one day, seemingly without reason she ended it. Within a few days she said maybe we could go for a coffee after some time, but ultimately with that I couldn't give her space (I was younger/immature when it came to relationships) and things have been NC ever since.

 

My issue there is that 'what if...' part of things, where I'll always wonder what would of happened if she had that space, and then we met up. I suppose never getting proper closure on the reasons why lead to the 'what ifs'.

 

So this time around, I'm fine with giving the space, accepting that it didn't work and is over, but still being willing to listen if she wants to get in touch to see where things are at that point in future.

 

I suppose giving someone space is individual, only the person who has it knows how much of it they need. But I'm thinking, if we stay NC for another month, she said there were trips away to see friends & stuff in September & they were important at this time.

 

If after all that she hasn't been in touch, I think I'd just want to send a text to say "Are you still interested in a coffee?". Otherwise I'll just have another 'what if...' scenario. I don't think you can truly learn & develop without stopping those from happening.

 

What do you guys think?

[Chi townD]

Dude, seriously? She already made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

After, she dropped the boom on you, the next couple of days she was texting you to see how you were doing. Do you know why she did this? Because she knows she hurt you and she felt guilty about it. Nothing more than that. Once she discovers that you're fine, then all she's going to do is send you breadcrumbs to keep you on the line. To give her an occasional ego boost.

 

Look, you have to let her know that her actions and her decisions have consequences. She made the decision to have you out of her life. Basically look at your relationship as a job. She gave you your pink slip and told you that your services as a boyfriend were no longer required. You got fired. Now, do you show up at work on Monday and work for them for free? Think back to the first job you ever had when you were a teenager, do you still send the Manager at McDonald's a Christmas card every year? NO!!! You move on, dust off the resume and you get a new job.

 

She made the choice to have you out of her life. Now, you give her exactly that. Go dark on her. Heal and move on. She either gets 100% or nothing at all. BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! UNFOLLOW HER ON TWITTER!!! Let her know that this is a result of her decision.

 

Time to heal and move on, dude. Don't set yourself up as her backup plan. You deserve more than that.

[joe86]

Dude, seriously? She already made it clear that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

Yes! You see, this is why I come on here. You're exactly right.

 

It's happened to me twice, so it must just be a kind of generic way girls break up.

 

She did tell me I'm a wonderful guy though & quite clearly knew how much she would miss me before I left though because I'd not seen that much attention in a while. So I win.

 

I'm not going to unfollow/unfriend though. I think that's petty & I sign of weakness (no offence to anyone who does that) and also it shows me how I'm doing if I catch myself trying to do that.

 

 

And I know you'll all shoot me down for this but, I get the NC having done it before, but this being the first time I've 'gone quietly' as it were, I still think after a few days of receiving a (hypothetical) 'miss you' message, I'd have to give a reply like "unless you have more than that, you taught me I deserve more"... but thats because I think that total silence allows it's message to be interpreted as you please.

Edited August 28, 2013 by joe86