FightOrFlight Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3. In the beginning I felt like he was my soul mate. Early in a our relationship we struggled with a lot of issues. Him lying, going out and not coming home until the morning. Having girls hang up on me when he was out drinking etc. But for some reason I stayed because he'd promise me the world and I foolishly believed it. 6 years ago, he became very distant. I cried myself to sleep most nights because it was so painful to be laying next to your partner and it felt like a stranger. I would often try to discuss things with him but he usually got defensive and pushed me away. At that time, he told me it as disgusting that I wanted to have sex with him and on a separate occasion he told me he just didn't love me anymore. I was so broken then. But for some reason he wouldn't let me go and me craving any sort of love from him, I took it. Because it was better than feeling so unwanted. We did manage to get past that...looking back, I am not sure how. But here we are, 10 years in and I feel things are worse then ever. For the last couple of years, the intimacy in our relationship had dwindled. Once a month and that is it. I tried to put it to the back of my mind because overall we loved each other, and hey, we were not fighting so why cause issues? After a while, it was not something I could ignore anymore. I feel rejected, I feel disgusting and unattractive. I can't remember the last time he kissed me passionately, and there is zero foreplay. Sex is like clock work, I know when it will happen and I feel used. I hate myself for doing it but I do it because I need that connection with him. As soon as it's over, I feel instant regret because I know he will go on to ignore me for another month. In between, usually when he drinks I hear how much he doesn't like me, I'm a psycho, the joke of the town, he hates me, etc etc etc. It's so hurtful. A few weeks ago, I left for my brother's for the night because I couldn't take it anymore. I received non stop texts from him later (after sobering up I'm sure) begging me to come home and he was so sorry. I met with him the next morning and he promised me the world which I've heard before but I fell for it again. It lasted a week or so and now it's worse than before because it doesn't take alcohol for him to say these things to me. I found out last week he started some type of relation last year with a waitress from a bar. I was really upset and sickened by this. He got so mad and defensive when I asked who she was. At first he said she was a friend and then as the texts continued, he claimed to not know her at all on a personal level. The same day I found out about this girl, he changed his passwords to everything. I've never been a snooper but yesterday I realized he has access to all of my stuff and I don't know anything when it comes to him. He said that all of his passwords were the usual, but this morning when I checked...it said it had been changed 6 days ago which was the day I found out about the waitress. When I brought that up, he said he changed it because he saw that I was in his email which I wasn't. I feel like he is making excuses and trying to spin things around on me so it's my fault. Yesterday, he told me he loves me and doesn't want to live his life without me and will show me love and affection. He promised to massage me last night which he did. Although, I felt like he felt obligated to do it and didn't really want to. He even wanted to watch something in bed while doing it...why the distraction? Can he not just focus on me for a few minutes?? So here I am, his wife, laying in bed next to him half naked and he rolls over turns out his light and says good night. It's been a month since we've been intimate. I was upset so I went to the spare room to read. I've been sleeping in there a lot lately, at least there I don't need to deal with the rejection of laying next to my own husband who doesn't want me at all. He has a million excuses in the world to not be close to me. I'm 35 years old! And he's destroying who I am and how I feel about myself. I found out that in the month that we do not have sex, he does masturbate and I do too. How demented is it, that we are having to do that when we have each other? So this morning, he said to me that he is nice and kind and I'm a bitch to him. That he always does something wrong...I guess I'm not supposed to be upset about the waitress? He calls me a psycho every time I'm upset. It's like he can do what he wants and I need to just deal with it regardless if it upsets me. He says things like I'm dangerous...and I have no idea why. I read about a term called gaslighting and it fits him to a tee. It's so messed up that he is manipulating me and making me feel like I am crazy. He also said this morning that last night he was afraid for his safety. I was in the spare room reading this forum bawling my eyes out and apparently I'm such a psychopath that he should be afraid. Then he sends me a message saying how much he loves me and we need counselling but I think how can you want to be with someone you thinks is dangerous and would hurt you? I really don't understand and I am beyond hurt and messed up to be honest. I don't know what to do. Sorry about the ramble...just a spew of all that's running thru my mind right now.
TigerCub Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) What are you waiting for? I honestly don't understand what more it will take for you to realize that you'd be better off alone. - He said he doesn't love you - He's almost certainly fooling around with other people. - He doesn't want intimacy with you - He calls you terrible names What more do you have to see to finally have it click into your head that he's a terrible husband and you'd be better off without him? So what if he cries and pleads for you to come back. If he's not treating you well, if he's hiding things from you and withholding affection, if he's calling you names and making your cry and feel like sh**, why do you stay? In some part of your post, you talked about how you wanted to leave but he wouldn't let you. Come on!!! no one can make you stay. You choose where you are - so the question here is: Why do you choose to be treated so poorly? Do you work? Can you support yourself if you were to leave him? I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but reading that post made me mad for you, but at the same time, you choose to stay - I don't get it. I hope that you will come to the realization that you don't deserve to be treated like he's treating you and that you need to find a way to get away from him. Edited August 27, 2013 by TigerCub 2
Author FightOrFlight Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe holding out for hope that things will get better or that he'd follow thru on what he says. It's hard to accept the fact that at my age, this is most likely the end of ever having a family with someone. It's a tough pill to swallow.
TigerCub Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe holding out for hope that things will get better or that he'd follow thru on what he says. It's hard to accept the fact that at my age, this is most likely the end of ever having a family with someone. It's a tough pill to swallow. I can understand that. I can. But here's the thing. This man has had YEARS to change and treat you with respect and be a good partner - it hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. He's promised you that things will change for so long now. Don't waste your youth waiting on a promise that's not gonna come true. I understand if you want a family and kids, you feel the clock ticking at 35 - but honestly I don't think it's too late for you, some women can have kids till their early 40s and you are ONLY 35!! Besides, would you really want a family with him? Really? Like tied to this fool forever? Also if he's treating you so poorly, what are the chances that he would be good/kind to any kids that you 2 have. I know that making such a huge decision like leaving a marriage has got to be so excruciatingly painful and tough, but if you have a dream (like creating a loving family), then you will have to make some tough decisions now, and hopefully it will all work out. Honestly, I'm not one that wants kids, so I don't have that urge you do, but I would leave someone that treated me so badly. I'd rather be alone than be with someone like that. You're still young, you can find someone better. It's not too late. You just have to believe that he's not going to change so that you don't keep holding out hope and falling for his crap. Believe how he treats you, not what he promises you. **HUGS** 4
Silly_Girl Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Sweetheart, I don't know you, I don't know him and I HATE when strangers on the internet tell me about *my* life... but I promise you this. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Sounds like my ex has himself a clone... I remember it so well. Wanting validation/love Feeling confused Not knowing what's real - *really* real Other women You seeming unreasonable Passwords changing 'for no reason' Not wanting to give up on the 'investment' Knowing you're unlikely to have kids with someone else Feeling like you need to make it work I had it for 8 years. I lost touch with myself, and my old life. I no longer had a benchmark of 'normal' to help me see how crazy he was. I became (my counsellor says) 'de-skilled'. It's inevitable. I was also having things thrown at me and other stuff like stranglemarks around my neck or black eye from a mobile phone thrown short range. Lots more. And yet STILL I stayed. Because - I naively thought - it was easier to stay than to go. If I had only known. Living with someone like that WEIGHS YOU DOWN. It changes you. Just living is like wading through treacle. Without the insults and the cheating and the lying and arguing. I got a plan together and I managed to get rid of him. It was so hard. Not for going in to now, but it was worth it. I have been thankful for every day since I became free of him. I was 33 when I left him. Not that much different in age to you. I'm currently pregnant by a wonderful man who made me very happy by becoming my husband last month. I'm 37. I pinch myself every day that life can be so good. I have done that since I got rid of my ex. I move freely about my home, I am never in trouble for nothing, no one makes me feel second best or gaslights me, I never spot things in the house and wonder why they've moved or what someone has been up to. I have a peaceful mind and a peaceful heart and that is worth all the gold in the world, to me. Don't think your life ends here. Far from it. If you stay you are signing up for more of the same, for many years. And I think you realise that, which is why you are posting. You can do this. If you're still not sure, write a list of pro's and con's of staying. Maybe you could share it with us? Take things a step at a time, and you'll get lots of support here. 1
Silly_Girl Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Oh, and a PS: I wanted children, the greatest blessing in the world is that he and I never had kids together, or I would never have been free. The games and manipulation and hurt would have continued for the rest of my life. For goodness' sake, please don't think having a baby would change anything. It would actually make you more vulnerable to his cheating, lying and taking advantage of you. And he's done enough of that!
ChooseTruth Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I know there is urgency to have kids. I totally feel that. I wish I could have more...I'm 37 and feel my chance is pretty much up since I just got divorced. But you don't want kids with this guy. Really. What kind of an example is that? It sounds like it will only get worse too... then you have kids and no husband. Please get out of this relationship. It will get worse before it gets better I'm sure, but it will get SO much better and then you will see what life can be again, not the ever continuing hell you are in. I'm sorry for your grief. Infidelity is such a horrible thing 2
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