Betterthanthis13 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Yes, I'm fBS posting this thread in this section. It's not by accident. Try to read with an open mind. I could use some input. My situation is a lot different from most of the stories on infidelity, even tho that where I usually post my threads. Xbf was a serial cheater, and after Dday #2 when the truth came out, he decided he was a "sex addict" and started going to SAA meetings to try to cure himself or whatever. He was never in love with any of the hookers or massage parlor girls, or ONS from the Ashley Madison website or Craigslist casual encounters. He was definitely in love with me and was in many ways, a great boyfriend. I really thought we were in love until all his disgusting lies and prior cheating came to light in June. I really had no reason to believe otherwise. He had asked me if i would marry him an was looking at rings. For both Xmas and my birthday this year he gave me a really nice ring each time and said he was practicing, because when he did ask me he wanted to do it right. It was very sweet. Once I found out what had been going on I didn't kick him out right away. I guess you could say we were LC even though living together because I really tried to avoid him as much as possible. That's also when I started posting on LS. It has been a really bizarre couple of months leading up to now. Anyway my question to you all is- well not so much a question but maybe more of an observation that I would like feedback and opinions on. My observation is that in a very strange way I have more in common with what a lot of you all post on here than I do with a lot of the people who are on infidelity, they are often trying to reconcile after an affair and I just don't fit the profile for that. Obviously I'm not a OW because xbf was living with me but in a way I feel like I was the OW to his obsession with sexing up random women. It's somewhat of a mindf*ck. it's like he had a secret bad marriage.. I just didnt know about it He is more than devastated that I won't try to trust him and make it work. It's been 2 solid weeks of NC (only broke NC once- wont do that again) Anyway my minds all twisted up these days I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just some new perspective. I don't want to join the OW club or anything. It's just that when I read things on here like "I didn't know he was married!" or "why is he with her if she makes him miserable and he loves me?" I'm like, I feel like that!! So weird...
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I don't know that we can help you much, but kudos to you for not staying with someone who doesn't want/can't be faithful to you if that is what you need. It takes courage to leave a relationship no matter what is happening. My man left his marriage after we were already involved and I am really proud of him for that, as he was not getting what he needed. Even with him being miserable, it was still very difficult to go. Change is not easy. So, what do you see happening next for you? Lol I have no idea. I couldn't possibly date right now if I tried. Just taking it easy for now. I do eventually want to be in a relationship again, just not with a spineless, lying faker who deserves an academy award for his performance. What sucks is I freaking miss him. It's really annoying me 1
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I think maybe my point of this thread was just that the actual cake eaters like my xbf, are just rotten... In my head true cake eaters are definitely very different peoole from a person who is confused or just can't seem to leave a bad marriage and falls in love with someone else at the wrong time. That to me is still not great, but I can at least understand how that happens and have empathy for people in that type of situation..I don't think all cheating is the same. But cake eaters? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, rotten and spineless to the core
LilGirlandOW Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Yes, I'm fBS posting this thread in this section. It's not by accident. Try to read with an open mind. I could use some input. He is more than devastated that I won't try to trust him and make it work. It's been 2 solid weeks of NC (only broke NC once- wont do that again) I don't want to join the OW club or anything. Good for you for going NC! I as an OW appreciate and enjoy your POV and postings, glad insight from the mess looked at from another angle has helped... as it helps to see the (f)BSO side. Again, good for you for going NC!
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Good for you for going NC! I as an OW appreciate and enjoy your POV and postings, glad insight from the mess looked at from another angle has helped... as it helps to see the (f)BSO side. Again, good for you for going NC! Thanks- reading on LS about different POV's has helped me a lot too. One thing is that I found out I was being too quick to judge, and lump all cheaters into the same category. It's not really like that. There are really some situations out there where it works out for people who fall in love with a person they didnt mean to at the wrong time, and end up happy after they clean up the mess. It's really too easy to go around saying all cheaters are cake eaters. Some are not. Learning that fact helped me identify that my xbf was in fact, a cake eater. The worst of the worst. Once I figured that out it was easier for me to detach from him
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 But at first, I sure did not want to believe he was a cake eater. That he loved me and had just made some horrible decisions. I gave him every opportunity to show me that was the case--- he failed every time. It took me about 2 months of trying to force myself to face reality every minute of every day before I even started to see the real truth and gather up the strength to tell him to shove it 1
Ladydrib Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Yes, I'm fBS posting this thread in this section. It's not by accident. Try to read with an open mind. I could use some input. My situation is a lot different from most of the stories on infidelity, even tho that where I usually post my threads. Xbf was a serial cheater, and after Dday #2 when the truth came out, he decided he was a "sex addict" and started going to SAA meetings to try to cure himself or whatever. He was never in love with any of the hookers or massage parlor girls, or ONS from the Ashley Madison website or Craigslist casual encounters. He was definitely in love with me and was in many ways, a great boyfriend. I really thought we were in love until all his disgusting lies and prior cheating came to light in June. I really had no reason to believe otherwise. He had asked me if i would marry him an was looking at rings. For both Xmas and my birthday this year he gave me a really nice ring each time and said he was practicing, because when he did ask me he wanted to do it right. It was very sweet. Once I found out what had been going on I didn't kick him out right away. I guess you could say we were LC even though living together because I really tried to avoid him as much as possible. That's also when I started posting on LS. It has been a really bizarre couple of months leading up to now. Anyway my question to you all is- well not so much a question but maybe more of an observation that I would like feedback and opinions on. My observation is that in a very strange way I have more in common with what a lot of you all post on here than I do with a lot of the people who are on infidelity, they are often trying to reconcile after an affair and I just don't fit the profile for that. Obviously I'm not a OW because xbf was living with me but in a way I feel like I was the OW to his obsession with sexing up random women. It's somewhat of a mindf*ck. it's like he had a secret bad marriage.. I just didnt know about it He is more than devastated that I won't try to trust him and make it work. It's been 2 solid weeks of NC (only broke NC once- wont do that again) Anyway my minds all twisted up these days I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just some new perspective. I don't want to join the OW club or anything. It's just that when I read things on here like "I didn't know he was married!" or "why is he with her if she makes him miserable and he loves me?" I'm like, I feel like that!! So weird... Stay in NC. Give yourself enough time to remove yourself emotionally so you can think clearly. Give yourself as much time as you need. If it's months or years. You can always go back to him later if you decide to. But keep in mind that no matter how much he wants you back or how regretful he is, people almost never change. This trait is probably engrained in him. So if you ever take him back - remember that you will most likely also be taking back the same problems. In my opinion the best thing you can do for yourself is to completely heal over your situation. Allow yourself enough time to fall out of love with him. And meet someone who can add to your life rather than to take from your life. 1
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