What Can I Do To Resolve This?

[sadmiddleagedman]

Hi there, this is my first post.

 

I've read some of the other replies to posts on here and fully expect a barrage of abuse. I hope not because what I really need is help.

 

I'm forty nine years old and I've had an affair. I've been married for twenty years with two teenage kids. I love my wife. And I'm still not entirely sure where this all came from.

 

It was with someone I knew through work. We met about three years ago at a work event, didn't really keep in touch, then bumped into each other again about six months later. We kept in touch after that. Went for lunch, drinks, met at other events. That kind of thing. We didn't actually do anything physical during this time since I'm married and she was living with her boyfriend. However I must have known that something was in the air since I wasn't honest in telling my wife who I was meeting while I was out.

 

Okay, long story short. About a year ago this developed into a physical relationship. She and her boyfriend had split up by then. The main reason, she told me, was because she didn't love him any more. She loved me. I was 'the one' for her. The fact that I was married was an inconvenience but that didn't deter her.

 

We had an affair. Passionate, loving, everything an affair should be, I suppose. I hated the creeping around and lying to my wife but this new woman was so exciting and thrilling I couldn't stop. It wasn't just physical, though. We connected on so many levels, had so much more in common than my wife and I. I was falling in love.

 

I should say here that at twenty seven my lover is over twenty years younger than me.

 

The thing was, she hated having an affair. She wanted me to leave my wife and move in with her. I told her from the start that I couldn't so that. I've got kids, I couldn't just walk out, I couldn't leave my wife either after everything she had done for me in the last twenty years.

 

My lover became insistent. I tried to find a way forward. I didn't want to stop seeing her. I tried but couldn't break it off. She tried but couldn't break it off. She has an insistence that borders on the stalking but she explained that by saying how much she loved me. I told her I was, understandably, terrified if we got together that she would leave me. She assured me that it wouldn't happen and to be honest I believe her. She stuck around all the time I thought it was wrong seeing her and trying to leave her. She never gave up. She wanted me. No one has ever been like that with me before. She loved me. Totally.

 

I've never doubted that. Because I loved her. She was even managing to convince me to leave my wife.

 

Then about six months ago it all came to a head. My wife suspected something was up so I told her. I had been having an affair. She was, obviously, devastated. In that moment I made up my mind to stay and try to repair my marriage. I told my lover that I wouldn't be seeing her any more, that it was over. I stopped her from contacting me, made no contact with her. Stayed with my wife and tried to rebuild our relationship. It was going well. And I felt a massive release knowing I wasn't lying and cheating any more.

 

It wasn't easy. But we tried. I tried to put my lover out of my mind and concentrate on my wife. And I think we were managing. Then last month we had to attend a work event where my lover was at. She had been trying to contact me in the intervening months and I tried to have nothing to do with her. I knew that splitting with me had hit her hard. She attempted suicide and was on the highest possible dose of anti-depressants and valium, and in therapy. She had tried to see other men but couldn't.

 

At this work event we tried to keep apart and were managing until she approached my wife who got angry with her and left the room. I went to follow and said something to my ex-lover and she then slapped me in the face. It all kicked off after that.

 

We had hoped that the event would be a chance to put the past behind up and start on the future but it was the opposite. We came home and it was like all of the good work I'd done in the intervening months had been for nothing. My wife was back where she had been at the beginning. I just felt exhausted. I didn't know what to do. I felt an absolute vitriolic hatred towards my ex-lover. I tried to get her to lose her job, have her denounced throughout our business, the lot. Total, total hatred. I was obsessed with how much I hated her.

 

My marriage seemed to be slipping away, however. My wife told me she no longer loved me and didn't know if she wanted to stay with me. I f she did, it was only because she was scared of being on her own and didn't want to lose the house. I didn't know what to do, who to turn to. I still kept hating my ex-lover for what she had done.

 

Until last weekend. A mutual fried contacted me and asked me to take down some of the coded vitriolic tweets I had put up designed to hurt my ex-lover. I told her I wouldn't, launched into a tirade about how much I hated her, etc. Then broke down. I didn't hate her. I still love her. I miss her.

 

We got back in touch. She's giving me until Christmas to sort myself out and be with her.

 

In the meantime, my wife has changed and said that perhaps she does love me and wants to try again. But she can't guarantee she can get over it. I'm still living with her. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want another affair. But I don't want to stay with my wife if she can't forgive me.

 

I'm now on anti-depressants and visiting a therapist. The whole situation has broken me. When I admitted to myself that I still loved my ex-lover I realised just what I had done. The part I had played in hurting everyone. I had tried to deflect it by hating her but it was me. From the start. Just me. And it's now hit me so hard I'm having a breakdown.

 

My wife is angry with me about that. She says it should be about her, I should be there to try and put her back together and instead I'm falling apart. She resents it.

 

I don't know whether to stay with her or go with my ex. I don't know whether to just leave and be on my own. I don't know what to do for the best. Leaving will hurt my wife so much she may never recover. Living with my ex-lover may not work. She's insistent that it will but I still have doubts. I don't know whether I'm just having a pathetic, cliched midlife crisis or what I feel for her is love. She thinks it's love. My kids will hate me. I'll lose my house that I've spent years trying to make beautiful.

 

I'm just so unhappy. I don't think I deserve happiness after what I've done but I just need some help. I'm sure I'm going to get people's hatred for what I've done and I deserve it. No one can hate me as much as I hate myself. But if anyone could show me the way forward or share any experiences I'd be grateful. Thank you.

[littlejaz]

Don't know how much help I can be as my story is quite different. My STBXH was looking to have an affair with any warm body that would have him. I think you have to decide if you want to be with your wife or on your own. I don't think it is a good idea to make a life altering decision like this based on the other woman. You can't expect it to be a dependable relationship-it started with both of you having an affair and from my understanding, relationships that start that way don't often last.

 

Is your wife willing to go to marriage counseling? If so, I would try to find a therapist who specializes in infidelity.

 

I do feel for you. You did something you should not have done, but you will not get anywhere hating yourself. You must own up to it and suffer the consequences, which it seems that you are trying to do.

 

Don't know if you have heard of Dr. Phil but he says that a woman cannot get over a betrayal like this unless and until she knows that you completely understand how she feels and what you did to her, which probably is why she is mad at you for falling apart. If you want to try and rebuild your marriage you are going to have to suck it up and make it all about her. She is the injured party. If you end your marriage for the OW you will probably understand your wife's feelings a lot better in the near future when you have been betrayed and are the injured party but by then it will be too late to save your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just so unhappy. I don't think I deserve happiness after what I've done but I just need some help. I'm sure I'm going to get people's hatred for what I've done and I deserve it. No one can hate me as much as I hate myself. But if anyone could show me the way forward or share any experiences I'd be grateful. Thank you.

The best you'll get here is anecdotal feedback - some find value in it, some don't. There is no universal "way forward" as the path is different for everyone.

 

You've made some terrible mistakes which, as you've found out, have consequences. Sad and ironic that the things we do under the banner of "searching for happiness" often result in just the opposite due to their selfish nature. You might be the poster child for this scenario.

 

It strikes me that you've looked in all these other "outside" places - your pre-affair marriage, your affair, your post D-Day relationship with your wife, this potential future life with your AP - for something missing inside you. So duh, you're not going to find it through external validation as the love of these two women has proved. Lots to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sadmiddleagedman]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I think you're right, I have to get myself sorted out first before I can make any kind of decision or find a way forward. I think there's something in me that's missing.

 

I have tried to put myself in my wife's place and imagine what it must be like to go through something like this. I think that in part has contributed to my collapse. I'm not proud of what I've done. I'm just trying to find a way forward. Thank you again.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I think you're right, I have to get myself sorted out first before I can make any kind of decision or find a way forward. I think there's something in me that's missing.

 

I have tried to put myself in my wife's place and imagine what it must be like to go through something like this. I think that in part has contributed to my collapse. I'm not proud of what I've done. I'm just trying to find a way forward. Thank you again.

There's sadness, hurt, anger and pain for everyone involved in these situations. Think of the roller coaster of emotions your AP has been on even though many will say just desserts.

 

If you were indeed happy in your marriage before all this started, that's where I would invest my time and energy. Family, history, shared experience, sacrifice and triumph are powerful resources to bring to bear. It might be as simple (and self-serving) a calculation to make that you have a better chance of being a successful husband, father and partner than you do of launching a baggage-filled new life. You've been successful at one, the other not so much.

 

Is your therapist helping you move towards a decision?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jeddarnold]

I would say be a man and do what is right, you cannot be in two boats at same time.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You sure made a mess. I am sorry for your angst. I am sure you wish you could go back and make different decisions.

 

I have questions, I ask these to help uncover your feelings.

 

You said you "love" your wife. You then say you "love your affair partner. (AP). Which is it?

 

You said you have the perfect passionate relationship with your AP, more in common etc. is the only reason you have worked at the marriage is because of obligation and the children?

 

Do you think your wife has the right to a relationship with someone who loves only her?

 

Be honest, do you think that can be you?

 

After all the devastation you caused the first time, you started the relationship back up again? Did you not make your decision about all of this at that moment? (I am not sure why your wife would want you back. You are a lousy bet for being faithful)

 

I say do the honorable thing and file for divorce, accept the inevitable fallout and move on.

 

Truth is, AP knew you were married, told you it didn't matter, then proceeded to push you to end your marriage, stalk you and your wife, humiliate your wife in public and wreak havoc on your family.

Statistically, she will likely leave you and you will be alone (relationships that start as affairs have a very small possibility 1-3%, of longevity) but at least you will have done one right thing in all of this. I have zero sympathy for her and any pain she may have felt because she went into it with her eyes wide open. I am sure some OW will post their differing opinions.

 

By the way, be prepared for the fallout, your family, kids, work, friends and work associates will likely have not so great feelings about all of this and especially towards your AP so don't be surprised.

 

I think you blew up your marriage and are unprepared to do what is necessary to fix it, even if your wife is willing. I think you are going to long for your AP and no reconciliation is possible.

 

My two cents.

[jeddarnold]

I say do the honorable thing and file for divorce, accept the inevitable fallout and move on.

 

Exactly what I wanted to say

 

You sure made a mess. I am sorry for your angst. I am sure you wish you could go back and make different decisions.

 

I have questions, I ask these to help uncover your feelings.

 

You said you "love" your wife. You then say you "love your affair partner. (AP). Which is it?

 

You said you have the perfect passionate relationship with your AP, more in common etc. is the only reason you have worked at the marriage is because of obligation and the children?

 

Do you think your wife has the right to a relationship with someone who loves only her?

 

Be honest, do you think that can be you?

 

After all the devastation you caused the first time, you started the relationship back up again? Did you not make your decision about all of this at that moment? (I am not sure why your wife would want you back. You are a lousy bet for being faithful)

 

I say do the honorable thing and file for divorce, accept the inevitable fallout and move on.

 

Truth is, AP knew you were married, told you it didn't matter, then proceeded to push you to end your marriage, stalk you and your wife, humiliate your wife in public and wreak havoc on your family.

Statistically, she will likely leave you and you will be alone (relationships that start as affairs have a very small possibility 1-3%, of longevity) but at least you will have done one right thing in all of this. I have zero sympathy for her and any pain she may have felt because she went into it with her eyes wide open. I am sure some OW will post their differing opinions.

 

By the way, be prepared for the fallout, your family, kids, work, friends and work associates will likely have not so great feelings about all of this and especially towards your AP so don't be surprised.

 

I think you blew up your marriage and are unprepared to do what is necessary to fix it, even if your wife is willing. I think you are going to long for your AP and no reconciliation is possible.

 

My two cents.

[GuyInLimbo]

Listen, buddy. You need to STAY THE HELL AWAY from the OW. I've dealt with bat-sh*t crazy women and you, sir, had an affair with one. I can promise you right now, that relationship won't last. If you magically left your wife today and got back with her, I'd give it some time before you realized you were with a psychopath. She is CLEARLY mentally unstable and will make you wish for the days you had the wife back.

 

I disagree with sweetness88. I don't think this is repairable. You not only threw your marriage away (which I don't judge you for, there's a reason we're all here), but you went for the young/crazy p*ssy and have introduced a toxic and dangerous person into not only your world, but your wife's.

 

Regardless, you really need to stay away from this other women permanently.

 

Your story makes me envision the boiling rabbit scene in Fatal Attraction.

[sadmiddleagedman]

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and comment on. You've all been refreshingly honest with me and given me good advice.

 

I've now started therapy and my therapist thinks she can help me. I believe her and have faith in her. I'm staying at my mothers for a few days. I thought it was a good idea to take myself out of the home environment as we were just arguing/not speaking. My wife is trying to be helpful but she looks at me with such hatred. It's completely understandable, of course.

 

The other thing is that I've been trying not to contact my AP but have failed miserably. We text and phone all the time. I met her for lunch yesterday. I feel bereft when I'm not with her. I know this could be all part of the depression, making me latch onto someone, obsess over them even, but I can't help myself. I don't want an affair with her. I have been, in the strongest possible terms, contemplating a life together with her.

 

There is something I should say though. Everyone says that statistically relationships that start as affairs never last. I was living with another woman when I met my wife. Before we got together properly there was a time - the best part of a year - when it was an affair. And we've been together twenty years.

 

I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel hollow and empty inside. I feel so despondent and depressed at home. I don't even feel I have the energy anymore to try and repair my marriage, if indeed it can be repaired. And I feel constantly tearful over my relationship with my AP.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I just feel like, because of my actions, I've messed up so many people's lives and ruined their happiness I can't be helped.

[sadmiddleagedman]

I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but when I resumed contact with my AP she was just about to start seeing someone else. She has now ditched him and is waiting for me. I know everyone is warning me off her, but surely that counts for something?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Nope

 

Statistically speaking your marriage follows the "did not last" because it started as an affair, as will your current affair...so you can expect a few years but you will be alone.

 

I do not believe you are capable of being faithful anyway.

 

Your lack of ability to give the marriage one solid shot, by not contacting your AP for a couple days is clear.

 

Do everyone a favor and divorce. Your wife is being tortured by your selfish actions. What you are doing is cruel.

 

Read my previous post.

[secretlady76]

Number 1 - Own your ****. Your original email smacks a weak, easily persuaded man who blames everyone else. AP stalked you, convinced you, persuaded you.....yadayadayada. Wow, blame culture there. How much of this is actually true and how much of this was down to your actions too. I cannot believe it was totally driven by her.

 

Number 2 - After confession you dumped AP and tried to make it work with your wife. Great. Not so great that AP ended up on anti-depressents and attempted suicide. Yes, we can all say it was her fault and of course it was, but do also bear in mind it was YOUR fault too. You too knew you were married and that didn't stop you. So take some responsibility for her almost topping herself. You helped to take her to that place.

 

Number 3 - Why on earth did you go to an event where you knew AP was there and parade around with your wife? What exactly did you think was going to happen? That AP would come up to you, pat you on the back and say well done? Why don't you think about it from everyone else's point of view. For your wife nothing could be worse than having to be in a room with both her husband and her husbands ex-lover. How humiliating to have to put up with seeing the AP, the person that her husband was happy to put everything he cared about in jepeordy just so he could get his end away with. Just as humiliating for her AP, who remember has recently been dumped and is on medication is now having to watch you with your wife, whilst she is there on her own trying to pick up the pieces of her life that you helped to destroy whilst you play happy families.

 

Number 4 - After all this you got in contact with AP and now she's given you until Christmas to sort you life out? Does your wife know this? I think AP's self worth has been so destroyed that she is willing to let you have more time and you are making a mockery of it. What about all this NC?

 

I think the loser here is whoever ends up with you. I am sorry but you have seriously cocked up here.

 

Just wow. You want my advice? Give your AP just a little bit of respect and go 100% NC with her. You have almost destroyed her. Don't do it any more.

 

As for your wife, give her the respect she deserves and go 100% with your AP and then DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN to salvage your marriage. She has given you another chance and you are being a total idiot by disrespecting that by carrying on still with your AP (whilst staying at your mothers, obviously it is easier to carry the A on whilst you are not living at home).

 

You cannot see the wood from the trees whilst you're carrying on with everyone. Also do remember that you are not comparing apples with apples. A 20 year marriage is not going to be as exciting, as addictive, as jaw dropping as an affair......but there is a reason for that. Just bear in mind that your AP, in 20 years will become a boring wife too.....then what are you going to do? Trade her in for another model? It seems that is what you normally do.

 

I am sorry you are suffering from depression. I've been there, I know how you feel. It is tough and soul destroying.... But I guess now you know a little of the pain that both your wife and your AP are feeling. Maybe you will now have more empathy and more sympathy for the two of them now.

 

Can you see how much of a mess there is? But you can salavage something. You can try and salvage your marriage and if it doesn't work then so be it, you tried. At least try. Just remember you WILL go through a process of withdrawal from your AP and that is tough and hard work, but hang in there, it will get better and then you can really work hard and positively towards your marriage and give your wife 100%. She deserves it. Good luck to you.

[GuyInLimbo]

I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but when I resumed contact with my AP she was just about to start seeing someone else. She has now ditched him and is waiting for me. I know everyone is warning me off her, but surely that counts for something?

 

It doesn't count for sh*t. Stop looking for some "sign" that this is right for you. It's NOT. She's mentally ill and, clearly, you aren't in a good spot either. You're stuck in "new p*ssy fog" with a woman who is unstable enough to (allegedly) attempt suicide over not being with you. Trust me, you're asking a for a lot of trouble here with someone who, by the way, is 20 years younger than you. That shouldn't normally matter, but you are dealing with an immature, unstable woman. That's not going to change when you envision this fantasy world playing out.

 

You need a year BY YOURSELF. Your head is not clear and you have no idea what you want or what is right. You need time with your therapist. You need time with your own self. Jumping from one very LT relationship to something "new and exciting" is a bad path to follow given everything you've told us.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been, in the strongest possible terms, contemplating a life together with her.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but when I resumed contact with my AP she was just about to start seeing someone else. She has now ditched him and is waiting for me. I know everyone is warning me off her, but surely that counts for something?

I don't normally have a lot of empathy for the "other woman", but have you stopped to think about, in pursuit of your own happiness, how much pain you've caused this person ???

 

Before she met you - probably your typical optimistic/hopeful young adult with both a career and romantic future

 

Since she met you - attempted suicide, public spectacle, breakroom gossip subject sitting at home waiting for a married man 20 years her senior to call her. And oh yes, you just squashed her latest attempt at a healthy relationship.

 

Me and I, that's all I read in your posts. What's best for me? How can I be happy? Which woman loves me most? How can I get over my sadness?

 

I can only imagine how your wife, children and colleagues view you. Sorry my friend, if you're going to have a dance, sooner or later you have to pay the band...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

There is something I should say though. Everyone says that statistically relationships that start as affairs never last. I was living with another woman when I met my wife. Before we got together properly there was a time - the best part of a year - when it was an affair. And we've been together twenty years.

 

You know, I never understood a woman who went with a married man, then was incredulous when he turned around and cheated on her. Get divorced and never contemplate marriage again. I don't say that bitterly. You are not the marrying type because you are not the faithful type.

[hayewils]

In my humble honest opinion,

Cheaters are the worst kind of human.

I have zero respect for those folks, but, its also their life and choice.

I will never put myself in that situation. Good looking, sexy as hell, great personality whAtever... There is a ring on the finger, i would not want it done to me..

But like i said, that just my humble opinion