Next move?

[on_the_edge]

First post on this board, so here it goes:

 

I had a friendship going for about a year before she and I decided we wanted to tread into the risky realm of FWB. Our relationship as FWB lasted almost a year to the date as well. Throughout, she constantly fought back the urge to get me to make things official and refer to her as my girlfriend, saying stuff like "I'm so afraid to lose you" and all that jazz (I was going through a dark time in my life, jaded from a past LTR, and didn't want to reopen old wounds)

 

The relationship slowly began to fizzle during the last month or so, one tiff basically uncorked a considerable amount of underlying tension and the end promptly followed. She withdrew torn from the experience of being a part of FWB, incapable of going back to the type of relationship. We maintained contact (nowhere near as constant as when we were FWB) and about a month after ending things she began to ask if I was interested in committing to her, and I declined. We would continue to talk periodically, sometimes every few days, sometimes every few weeks, and she'd get overly-optimistic if I contacted her out of the blue, would bring up how she wondered if she'd ever meet someone like me again, if she'd ever get closure with me etc.

 

Almost a year now after we broke things off, still a bit of contact took place every so often (a phone call maybe once every 1-3 weeks, brief casual conversations). Then, I sent her a text to wish her a Happy Birthday, to which she thanked me and proceeded to tell me that we ought to hang out some time and catch up, I agreed, but this 'get together' never took place; nearly a month and a half time of complete lack of communication followed before I decided to break the silence and give her a call shortly after she got out of work. We spoke for a good half hour during her drive home, laughed, spoke as if we had spoken only a day or two prior, and I made my move by asking her if she could meet me somewhere. She gave replied with a drawn out "we cooouuuulddd...", and I told her to be more definitive, and she responded with a resounding "yes". She had to run some errands, she informed me, so she wouldn't be free until later in the evening. When she got back to me, she told me not only that she was too tired to get together somewhere, but that she'd be with family visiting from out of town for the rest of the week and that our meetup might have to wait until next week. The playing-hard-to-get/(not interested?) vibes were too strong to ignore by this point, so I told her I wouldn't supplicate, to simply keep me posted, and we terminated the conversation not long after that.

 

The following week rolled in (when she'd be free to get together, according to her) and I began to accept that I wouldn't hear from her with each passing day, until she surprised me and phoned me on Friday as she left work. We spoke for a few minutes, and she told me she was in a hurry to go to a work-related event later that evening. I didn't bring up anything about the meetup I tried to arrange a week earlier or when I'd be able to see her again during that conversation (seemed too desperate, to be honest, especially when a week earlier I had clearly told her I wanted to see her) and she made no mention of it either. We simply joked a bit, as usual, talk some about the event she was headed to, said our goodbyes, and this is where it presently stands.

 

To be clear about somethings:

- yes, I am now interested in a committed relationship, and this realization only hit me roughly two months ago (my general outlook on life has vastly begun to improve/ I feel much much better about myself) and I now strongly believe I am much more prepared to offer her the relationship she originally sought - I am willing to work toward making it happen. She herself said that after what we went through, she would only become intimate with another guy once she was confident that a committed relationship was firmly in place

- after we broke things off, she was typically reluctant to see me in person because she was scared it would be too emotionally demanding on her, although we did see each other physically maybe 5 times or so after ending our relationship, mostly during the first few months after breaking things off

- and from what I gather, the odds are very high that she is not talking to or seeing anyone at the moment

 

A good friend told me to look upon her calling me back as indicating something highly favorable, and he may be right, but there has been an indisputable amount of flaky behavior to offset that considerably over the last few interactions, I believe, and maybe rightfully so too, given that she does not know my true intentions (something I would like to make clear in person, but likely much easier said than done), perhaps even thinks I'm trying to dupe her into simply having sex with me. I've considered giving it another week or so to see if she reaches out to me again, and if she doesn't, perhaps inviting her for a platonic get-together of some sort (also in a weeks time or so), but I have an inkling she'll continue to be evasive if I reach out again (supposing here that she herself doesn't reach out to me)

 

Can someone please provide me with some input? What ought to be my next move? Thanks in advance to any replies.

[Philosoraptor]

Make your intentions clear that you are interested in more than sex and you'd like to take her out on a real date. If she accepts, great. If she doesn't trust you, that's also understandable. She may have thought you wanted just sex when you wanted to meet up before, and decided not to go for it.

[lylat333]

on_the_edge, I think the situation looks promising, in fact this is one of the most promising threads I've seen on the boards. No major red flags that I can see.

 

It seems very obvious to me that she is interested, and probably is waiting for you to do something to make it clear you're serious about making things more serious between you two.

 

imo the best thing for you to do is when you feel you are ready, initiate contact and make it crystal-clear you want to take her on a sincere outing. I would not recommend playing games or hard-to-get. Don't think about getting physical. Show her that you simply enjoy her company and friendship, and when she seems receptive you can continue to express your deeper interest.

 

If she doesn't trust you, keep your cool. Hang in there and continue to be there for her. I think you will be able to alleviate whatever concerns she has with your genuine interest. Very helpful that she's not particularly interested in anyone else right now, I think you're still in the game so to say.

Edited August 28, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I agree with the others who say you should just call her and make it clear you want a real date. I would hold off on having sex for awhile honestly. Even if she wants to, I would not have sex on this first date.

[LinkWorshiper]

Your story sounds a lot like what my boyfriend went through when we broke up. Eight months later, he is vastly improved, but he is still a bit of a lost lamb. Anyway, lately, we have started communicating a lot more, to a point where he is messaging me literally every day (and Tumblr stalking me), usually to ask me about something I'm doing/interested in.

 

As someone who seems to be in your ex girlfriend's position, I'll just say that these things make me very happy and I like that he seems to be making an effort to try and reestablish a relationship with me from the ground up, instead of just trying to piggyback on what we had before (which is what he had been doing a couple months back). But I'm incredibly wary and nervous and scared all the same, because I'm not sure what his intentions are, even though the signs that he's interested in me seem to be in place. I think it would help your girl if you sat her down in a venue that makes her comfortable (or had a good phone conversation) and laid it all out for her. That way there's nothing for her to worry about as far as your intentions go. Because even if you're clear yourself, if you're waiting for something from her, I'm pretty sure that she's waiting for some sort of safety indicator from you. It seems like you are the one who is coming back after realizing you made a mistake, and I think that's awesome, but I think that's all the more reason she has to know she can trust you and feel safe around you. Feeling it out can only go on for so long, yo uknow?

 

And that's all I have to say about that

[on_the_edge]

This is so neat, this message board - who needs a therapist? lol

 

@ Philosoraptor - I tried getting her to meet up during the day, something very casual, to no avail, but yes, when I reflect on past conversations and behaviors of her's along with what I've been advised here on this board, it does seem like the issue of making my intentions perfectly clear is crucial.

 

@ lylat333 - she's very much the hopeless romantic type, and on a few occasions used to wonder why I was reaching out to her (ex contacting her out of the blue via text) with the hopes, I strongly suspect, of deciding to make her my girlfriend. I wonder to myself if she still somewhere deep inside clings onto the hope that I will have a change of heart (which I have) after all this time

 

@ BC1980 - there almost certainly won't be any sex any time soon. Even several months after we ended our FWB relationship, she told me that she still felt "broken" after the experience, so yes, maybe even the slightest hint of subterfuge rub her as alarming?

 

@LinkWorshiper - I've thought of a similar approach, gradually building up the amount of contact (which, for the time being, might only be limited to phone calls) until I can get a face-to-face. I'd prefer to make myself clear in person since I can't be as expressive over the phone, let alone know for certain I have her full attention, but that might be the only option for the time being. She's one to put her guard up quite easily, so I fully understand that I have to err a bit on the side of caution here and tread gently. I hate to be so pessimistic, but I anticipate that she will likely turn me down again through some rather absurd reason not to meet up in person (probably out of fear of the unknown, that is, of what my motives are exactly), so I may have no choice but to present my best offer over the phone.

 

Anyhow, thank you very much to everyone who replied! I appreciate the insight greatly, especially considering you guys are probably talking from a place of accumulated wisdom, having all likely sat at on one end or another of this table at some points in your respective lives.

[LinkWorshiper]

@LinkWorshiper - I've thought of a similar approach, gradually building up the amount of contact (which, for the time being, might only be limited to phone calls) until I can get a face-to-face. I'd prefer to make myself clear in person since I can't be as expressive over the phone, let alone know for certain I have her full attention, but that might be the only option for the time being. She's one to put her guard up quite easily, so I fully understand that I have to err a bit on the side of caution here and tread gently. I hate to be so pessimistic, but I anticipate that she will likely turn me down again through some rather absurd reason not to meet up in person (probably out of fear of the unknown, that is, of what my motives are exactly), so I may have no choice but to present my best offer over the phone.

 

Anyhow, thank you very much to everyone who replied! I appreciate the insight greatly, especially considering you guys are probably talking from a place of accumulated wisdom, having all likely sat at on one end or another of this table at some points in your respective lives.

 

Anything to help~! Honestly talking to other people about their situations kind of helps me get through mine, so no worries!

 

Anyway, listen, I am a pretty guarded person myself. And my ex is the sort to clam up when he thinks that what he'll say will make things worse, or that it'll be easier to just not say anything at all (part of what he is working on). So of course despite all his messaging, I get nervous that he will just abruptly stop, and I keep HOPING for him to let me know when it's okay to go a little further. I push it here and there where I can, drop hints and that kind of thing, but the truth is that I am letting him take the driver's seat as far as what he is comfortable with. Could it be that this is something your girl might be thinking too? Test the waters and see what you turn up with, I'd say. You might be surprised.

[on_the_edge]

@ Linkworshiper - I really enjoy your advice, but I must add that I must have read and reread a reply you left on another thread. Here is the quote:

 

"I asked myself the same thing. My man and I were together for 2.5 years and everyone was practically waiting for wedding invitations. Heck, just two days ago, a good mutual friend of ours told me directly, "You were the One and he screwed up...." Which is great to hear on one hand, but then you get caught wondering what happened to all those feelings.

 

Don't wonder. And if you're sure they're still there, then they are. Because the truth is this: if she's going to be a good partner for you, she has to be a good partner for herself. She has to live with herself until the day she dies after all. She has to live in her own head, with her own feelings and her own thoughts no matter what... even if you make her happier than a pig in $hit. If she is not happy in her head, nothing you can do -- and let me repeat, NOTHING -- will help. She has to figure it out for herself, and if her love is real, she will realize who was there for her. IF YOU ARE THERE FOR HER. (Warning: this is the hardest part....)"

 

This is FANTASTIC, especially the part beginning with "Because the truth is..." onward! So true, all of it.

 

I feel like I am in a great place at the moment largely because I am not tied to a particular outcome. Sure, I really want her to say "yes", I truly truly do, but the month and a half long worth of NC coupled with my regret has cultivated a fantastic work ethic in myself to the point where I wonder if a small shred of me actually WANTS to be rejected so I can turn that into even more fuel to keep rising (I know, sounds a bit twisted) Truth is, if I do get rejected, it will certainly hurt, and I will wonder for some time what could have been if I had played my chips differently, but at this point I don't think it will cast me into a bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness - things had to play out the way that they did, and I've learned that it is up to me to see to it that I make the best of it, whichever which way the chips may fall (yeah, saw Fight Club recently lol) I'm prepared for a "no" although my heart wants a "yes". If I do get rejected, well, that was my fault for missing out on a great opportunity, and something which will serve as an excellent reference point for the future so that I do not repeat the same mistake again.

 

I believe you are right when you say that it is up to me now to get into "the driver's seat" in order for a relationship to develop, especially considering that she hinted at wanting one several times over the course of the first 4-5 months or so after we ended our FWB - she certainly tried, that's for sure...perhaps in her own semi-subtle, as-direct-as-her-character-allows sort of way, but she did make an effort - I can't fault her for that. I'm planning on giving it a shot in about a week or so. Thanks again for lending an ear and leaving behind such valuable advice

[on_the_edge]

Spoke for a bit with my ex today over the phone, maybe 25 minutes or so. Light conversation. Didn't take the plunge and tell her straightaway that I was interested in a relationship as I thought that'd come off as terribly clumsly and desperate, plus I still held out hope that I could tell her in person. Tried to get her to agree to meet me on Thursday to run a few laps around a park near my place. Her response was right on the fence again, exactly as expected..."maybe". Considering she had done something similar before, I mockingly called her out on her "flakey behavior". She couldn't believe her ears. She told me that wasn't "nice". I replied that flaking isn't nice either. We bid our goodbyes.

 

A few hours later, she sends me a text telling me that she doesn't want me to view her as a flake. I called a few minutes later to speak to her over the phone, but no answer. She replies almost a half hour later that she was tied down with something when I called. Immediately after, she writes back that she's not a flake, she's simply scared to see me. I sent her a text right after asking her to call me when she was no longer busy, but a solid 20 minutes lapsed without a callback, so I wrote to her that I understood where she was coming from, that I knew our breakup affected her a lot, and that my intentions couldn't be further from causing any more harm (our split certainly caused her more distress than myself) I closed by adding that I sincerely missed that friend that I had in her very very much. No response. I really felt too uncomfortable rolling out a series of text messages explaining what my true intentions were, and I didn't want to continue repeatedly calling her phone. I didn't hear from her for the remainder of the night.

 

Thoughts? Can anyone chime in and give me some much needed perspective? I can't think too clearly at the moment because I can't help but push beyond thinking to myself "Nice! Way to F that one up there! Now you probably scared her away for good!"