Some suggestions wanted

[Sunspots]

Hallo guys,

I am new on this forum. I have read a lot before subscribing and I find it special and helpful.

 

For this reason I would like to know your point of view about my breakup.

And share my experience hoping that it could be a matter of confrontation.

 

I am 35, male, dumped 4 Months ago by my ex-girfriend (35 old) after a 20 Months relationship and 6 months living together.

 

The details, shortly:

- We are both very sensitive yet independent and determined persons;

- we had a very good intellectual and sexual connection (also during the conflicts)

- we had a really stormy and passionate startup. After 3 week when we got to know each other, she already had great projects. I was aware this was fool.

- the breakup was quite strict yet respectful

- Causes of the breakup: communication, too much hurry and repeatedly hi and lows

- we did a couple theraphy. She decided to stop it after only 2 meeting and breakup.

- I talked to her both during the breakup and after 3-4 months. I stated clearly my love and intention toward her.

- My intention was to get closer as friends but with the common goal to solve the problems and rekindle

- She says that this will never happen

- She says that she is simply focusing on her new future

- She is used to have honest friendships with her exs, me included

- We both decided for a no-contact period, since I desire a slow reconciliation and she does not.

 

I have simply decided to move on and to give up any hope nor wait for her to change mind. I am already dating other persons and going on with my interests, job, life.

I can't deny that the feelings on my side are quite strong (apart from the normal fears and attachment that arise).

 

My question is: what do you, kind people of this forum, think about it?

I would really appreciate your opinion because I am aware that both dumper and dumpees are not rational in situations like this.

 

Thanks,

Peace & Love.

Simon.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Sunspots

[Onward_Upward]

Hey Simon,

 

It's great that you seem to be handling the breakup well... It is rarely an easy process to go through.

 

Having said that, I note that you haven't stated you partner's perspective... Did she offer any reasons for the split? If so, what were they?

 

It's hard to offer any real advice without knowing more details (over and above the generic data you've already provided).

 

But I will say that, if you've both mutually agreed the split is for the best, then what you are already doing (i.e. going out, meeting new people), is the perfect way to get through this stressful and emotional time

[keepontruckin]

Well, all I can say is this... My wife and I tried to be "friends." That lasted, oh, for a few weeks... Then I had to put an end to that, since I cannot be friends with someone that I've loved like her.

 

Other than that, you seem to be moving on quite well. Four months isn't that long, really, but I'm sure in time the feelings towards her will diminish even more...

[Sunspots]

Thank you. I am trying my best.

I do not deny, nor regret, what i gave, took and suffered.

And mostly I want to share my experience and help, if i can.

 

Good luck to you.

Peace and spirit.

Simon.

[todreaminblue]

Hey Simon, you seem pretty rational and calm.....i am sorry that it didnt work in reconciliation....why do you desire a slow reconciliation and what were her thoughts on this?......

 

 

Your ex didnt last in couples therapy two sessions and immediate break up after, so not a long time to get to know and trust the therapist.......what was the main topic of discussion in those two sessions and did your ex seem to be open with the therapist

 

i actually dont know if this si good for you to rehash, I dont understand why you would want to if dating others.....

 

 

you seem calm and moving on whether dredging up old feelings is good i am not so sure.....but i am curious to the questions i have asked above adn would be interested to read your reply......best wishes...deb

[Sunspots]

Hallo Onward_Upward,

thanks for sharing our ideas.

 

Her perspective is about our repeatedly hi and low, mostly on topics that would not be the end of the world. She could not stand my strict way of discussing and I could not stand her obstinacy.

She got quite stressed and said that she does not find that much love anymore for me.

 

No, we did not agree to split. She wanted and i respect it and share the point of view that it was too stressful to live together. I would have walked a completely different way.

This does not mean that there was not a value. The opposite. The deep intellectual, creative, sexual and spiritual connection was there. But all together, all too much.

 

Still I don't see any possibility. Lovers should resonate and come together. This is not happening.

 

Thanks for your message.

Peace & spirit.

[Sunspots]

Hallo todreaminblue,

thanks to you for sharing your ideas.

 

I am calm, yet I can become very frustrated and strict in the conflict situations.

 

I desire a slow reconciliation because things run like a bolt, since the first days when we got to know. She run like a bolt, I followed her even if I communicated this.

 

I also desire that because there are great values between us like honesty, creativity, deep connection (in positive as well as in negative), common wishes, common perceptions, ...

 

The therapy, that she suggested, did not last because she was not comfortable with the therapist and had the mindset that "it would have happened again a quarrel between us". Kind of ultimatum.

[northdevon]

I wish I had your calmness. I too have had a similar situation with wanting to fix things, but she wishes not to. My problem is that once before we split and she got back with me after realising what she lost. You know she wants to move on but no contact now might stir her feelings for you with you not there anymore. It might not though, so everything you are doing is right at the moment.

[Sunspots]

Thanks northdevon,

calm is a relative concept :-) What you call "calm", she calls "aggressive".

I am aware that her feelings for me are true and helpful friendship. That's her personality, with strangers also.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience.

Peace and Spirit.

Simon.