Koekie Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 So as he fell asleep I decided to check his phone. He has been looking skittish about his phone's beeping lately. In his email folder I found emails from a adult dating site. Now my husband goes for months without even touching me. I used to get very upset about his, but I thought maybe he just isnt all that sexual and Ive learnt to live with it. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, he is porning, and surfing for alternatives. Weve only been married two and a half years and Im a loving, willing wife. I try to spice it up, I show how sexy I find him etc. Worst is we went on holiday and I left him at his folks place to visit some of my family. Thats when he seized his chance and jumped on this gross sight seeking STD carrion. Now weve had an issue before with dating sights, but I could never prove recent activity and he said its old sights he just never got around to deleting his accounts. Anyway, Im pissed as hell. Ive had it with his porn and BS like this. Im also getting to an age that having kids will not be an option for much longer. So while he was sleeping, i registered on the same sight, took a nice close up of my cute tootsies and messaged him, asking him if he likes, that this is his wife and I see that he is in fact bored. What goes for the goose goes for the gander and I hope he has fun, because I certainly will. I told him he has wasted 3 years of my life, that time is running out for me for a family and from now on, I am his worst nightmare, I will not leave him, I will stay and make his life a misery. I will do to him exactly what he does to me. That from now he is basically a sperm donor in my life and nothing more. I find those sights yuck, but he doesnt have to know that. Fed up of this, lets see how he likes the tables turned.
Author Koekie Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 You guys have big problems. Nah, my husband has big problems. My problem is a ticking biological clock and serious geographic disability in regards to meeting someone else. I love kids and I really want to have them.
Author Koekie Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 How old are you? 35 and living in a very remote place in the middle of the bush (as in sperm banks are countries away). Our marital laws were written in the dinosaur age. It can take up to 3 years to divorce, if I am seen with another man while we are legally married I can go to prison. Its that bad. And my darling husband wont let me go, so I can imagine there will be delays on any divorce attempt. This dear friends, is what is called hell.
RavenWolf Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 35 and living in a very remote place in the middle of the bush (as in sperm banks are countries away). Our marital laws were written in the dinosaur age. It can take up to 3 years to divorce, if I am seen with another man while we are legally married I can go to prison. Its that bad. And my darling husband wont let me go, so I can imagine there will be delays on any divorce attempt. This dear friends, is what is called hell. Oh my heart breaks for you! I am 36 and hubby has porn issues, cheating issues, and was on a site to find a sex partner. Luckily, divorce here (uncontested) is short. I do want to caution you about bringing kids into the equation with him, as much as you want them. If y'all get along and do not have blow up fights then it may be possible. But in my case the fighting has been most daily for years and my children have had to witness it. It saddens me greatly. Is counseling an option at all? If you would be stuck with him for at least 3 more years then just to get a divorce then maybe you should look into it and see if there is any hope of turning it around. Good luck and I hope you can find peace and happiness.
Author Koekie Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Oh my heart breaks for you! I am 36 and hubby has porn issues, cheating issues, and was on a site to find a sex partner. Luckily, divorce here (uncontested) is short. I do want to caution you about bringing kids into the equation with him, as much as you want them. If y'all get along and do not have blow up fights then it may be possible. But in my case the fighting has been most daily for years and my children have had to witness it. It saddens me greatly. Is counseling an option at all? If you would be stuck with him for at least 3 more years then just to get a divorce then maybe you should look into it and see if there is any hope of turning it around. Good luck and I hope you can find peace and happiness. You know as I was sitting here something clicked into place. My husband at times looks uncomfortable and almost violated if I jokingly hit on him, especially if hes naked and sober. Ive always felt like he is probably the only man in the world that does not like a woman telling him how awesome and sexy he is. We both originate from a country where one in every three little girls are molested and one in every six little boys. He has all the issues of a child that was molested, including avoiding intimacy, rage, relationship difficulties etc. I just asked him and things just exploded with awful confessions, rage and horrible details.
LimeBlue Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 We both originate from a country where one in every three little girls are molested and one in every six little boys. He has all the issues of a child that was molested, including avoiding intimacy, rage, relationship difficulties etc. I just asked him and things just exploded with awful confessions, rage and horrible details. Perhaps in light of this things between you can improve? Help him and support him, and perhaps this will help your marriage?
Author Koekie Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Perhaps in light of this things between you can improve? Help him and support him, and perhaps this will help your marriage? Im a bit lost here. Ive no idea what to say to him. Its worse than I suspected. He was drugged in a bar and raped his first year in college as a 19 year old. The guy took photos and said he would show everyone if anything ever came out. I feel horrible for even thinking it, but I do doubt it just a bit (of course I would never say that to him) mainly because he has tried to be manipulative previous times I've tried to leave him. Although what he said and the details given was indicative of it being true. In the event of this being the case, I do not know what to say. I have told him before he has to go for therapy because of the strange things he does. He would promise and beg and plead but in the end nothing would come of the therapy. I know this road, and its something that cant be fixed if the victim is not willing. Then that person will forever be a victim and not a survivor. And they will destroy relationships and drag others down with them. Im a survivor. So I know.
compulsivedancer Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Im a bit lost here. Ive no idea what to say to him. Its worse than I suspected. He was drugged in a bar and raped his first year in college as a 19 year old. The guy took photos and said he would show everyone if anything ever came out. I feel horrible for even thinking it, but I do doubt it just a bit (of course I would never say that to him) mainly because he has tried to be manipulative previous times I've tried to leave him. Although what he said and the details given was indicative of it being true. In the event of this being the case, I do not know what to say. I have told him before he has to go for therapy because of the strange things he does. He would promise and beg and plead but in the end nothing would come of the therapy. I know this road, and its something that cant be fixed if the victim is not willing. Then that person will forever be a victim and not a survivor. And they will destroy relationships and drag others down with them. Im a survivor. So I know. Set up an appointment on a day he's available and drive him there. If you leave it up to him, it'll never happen.
bentleychic Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Please for the love of god, do not add a baby to this right now. I'm begging you. A baby is hard enough on a strong marriage. I feel for you so very much and am so sorry for what you're going through. 4
KathyM Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Please don't bring children into this screwed up marriage. Your husband is cheating on you. You can decide you are not going to tolerate it and leave. Making decisions based on your biological clock is not a good plan. Your husband is a lousy husband and would be a lousy father as well if he's jeopardizing your relationship with his crappy behavior. Please don't bring a child into this situation.
Author Koekie Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Set up an appointment on a day he's available and drive him there. If you leave it up to him, it'll never happen. You're right. I've told him that for now we are basically seperated. That I will be here as a friend whenever he needs me, but only if he gets help. My whole world feels collapsed now, I've recognized the signs so long ago, but I never imagined it to be this bad. I dont know what to say to a man that has gone through that. I dont want him to feel that I feel pity for him, but at the same time I want him to know its okay and it will be okay. He's a very macho mans' man and from a very conservative background enforcing a very stereotypical male image and for the first time in my life I dont know what to say.
Author Koekie Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Please for the love of god, do not add a baby to this right now. I'm begging you. A baby is hard enough on a strong marriage. I feel for you so very much and am so sorry for what you're going through. Thats the thing. My husband and I are good friends. We used to fight in the beginning, were both difficult strong personalities, but we dont fight these days. He will be a fantastic father. Im financially completely independant from anyone, we live in seperate towns as well so I basically see him weekends only. I would never put a baby in a situation that is not ideal. I have my family near me, I am able to take a child and a care assistant for the baby with me to work, and all the business I conduct. My mother stays at home and would love to have a grandchild to spoil near her, since my sister lives a bit away.
Author Koekie Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 He doesn't really have sex with you so I doubt he'll go to a sperm donor clinic with you. You said they don't even have them. Like what are you going to do use a turkey baster on his tissues or what ever than baste it into you. You're having a break from reality. I feel for you. Run. Also realize you're part of the problem. Not sure if you saw the above post about what has come to light, I'm not sure running now is an option, because that would make me a very horrible human being. There are times where we do have sex, and then at times he becomes completely lost and withdrawn. He is not a typical horny guy though. Hes very conservative, private, reserved at times. He likes to stay home, watch his sports, play with the pets. The whole adult site thing makes no sense at all, Ive never even heard the man tell a mildly dirty joke, or joke about a sexy girl. What I suspect is that he is avoiding intimacy (understandable under the circumstances) that online is easier and requires no feelings or face to face meetings (i think, i could be wrong of course), because he doesnt let people near. I also think he is on a self destruction course. He is neglecting his health, his looks. It comes and goes in waves. Maybe you can help me, since your a man. What do I do to support him after what he has told be about being raped, without making him feel further emasculated? Everything feels up in the air, I feel devestated. Telling me though is probably a step in the right direction. What do I say or do? Im insisting on therapy of course, but I dont know how hard to push.
Author Koekie Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 You could go talk to some one about it. You know some one confidential. I wouldn't want to be nagged to go to therapy or have it brought up. Personally not to be to judgmental but it's a really weird story. Like if some one had drugged me and raped me at 19 and than showed me pictures I would have killed them. Probably would have gone berserk and just started smashing my head into there's, smashing chairs, keys what ever was in reach into there face. I think I'd feel a lot better afterwards. Obviously I'd never be able to speak about killing some one. If I did decide to go on with my life and just forgive and forget such a horrible crime against me I'd probably never ever tell any one because I don't even like telling people anything that makes them feel sorry for me. that's just me though. He was tied up when he came to. The country he is from is the rape and murder capital of the world. He was told he would be killed and the photos would be put online and everyone told he was willing. The police force there is basically useless, since most of the officers are criminals themselves. He is a very macho man, old school from a small town, very conservatively raised. I dont see him saying things to this extent unless it were true.
Author Koekie Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Did I ever say anything about going to the police? I've been in plenty of violent street fights over less than this. I'm just saying I don't think I could let this go. Obviously if I was tied up or they had me outnumbered if I was smart I'd bide my time for another day another opportunity. I just don't think I could let this go. If I did let it go I don't think I'd ever tell any one. He told you, I can't relate. I've never been raped. If I was I don't think I'd ever ever tell any one. I just wouldn't bring it up to him and if you need to talk about it go find some one very confidential. Like goes with out saying but don't tell your friends and family. You just might need some one to talk to more than us about this and everything else. Also don't feel sorry for him like this excuses anything he's doing. It doesn't. It's very sad but it gives him no right. You're also acting a little crazy thinking a baby is a good idea. Although I don't blame you completely. I don't know what to tell you. It's all so messed up. When a persons ovaries start getting old we tend to think about babies. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, so I do not excuse bad behaviour regardless off. Its explains some behaviour yes, but in the end we have the power to help ourselves in many ways. I understand him not doing anything at that time. At that moment you are completely stunned, you feel like you participated and that you are the guilty one. This is of course not true, but this is what a person feels. And thats why so many times it never gets reported. Your mind stops, the whole world stops. You feel completely powerless and out of your body. I have told him that for now we are seperated and if he were to go to therapy etc, we could talk again about things in the future. I feel like a horrible hypocrite because if a woman told me this story I would have believed her immediately whithout a doubt.
LimeBlue Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Koekie please can you PM me. I want to say something in private. 1
Author Koekie Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 If a girl cheated on me a bunch and than told me she was raped when she was 19 I'd actually just want to dump her more. I don't excuse bad behavior because of past drama. It is really sad that you might not be able to have kids but maybe you will. You need to realize that your people picker may well also be very off. Also some of the things you say even with all the bad things he's done come off very wild. I think if you would dump someone more because they were victim of a horrible act of violence, you are probably just not a very nice person at all. 1
RavenWolf Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I think if you would dump someone more because they were victim of a horrible act of violence, you are probably just not a very nice person at all. Sadly, this is what I thought myself. Being a SURVIVOR of rape does not give ANYONE the right to look down on that person or feel they are damaged goods and do not deserve love. Saying you would dump someone faster if you found out they had been raped is sad and hurtful. Am I to assume you somehow feel it's the woman's (or man's) fault they were raped and therefore are less deserving of your presence? Please explain why a rape history would make you dump someone faster. I'm quite interested.
RavenWolf Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 It's clear that I would dump some one not because something bad happened to them but if they were using something bad as justification to ruin my life. It's very simple really. You go ahead and feel sorry for him though you're not doing any one any favors. Okay I misunderstood and thank you for clarifying for me!
Author Koekie Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 It's clear that I would dump some one not because something bad happened to them but if they were using something bad as justification to ruin my life. It's very simple really. You go ahead and feel sorry for him though you're not doing any one any favors. Ah I see what you mean. I agree. And thats what I told him. But I'm still stuck with him. To be brutally honest where I live, what he did is nothing compared to what the other guys are up to. Wish I could emigrate. If I tell a friend here what he did, she will probably say "The next one will do the same, probably worse" I used to run a hotel and this is a small community. I know what goes on when the lights go out. My expectations are not that great. Especially since where I currently live there is not one single guy. Ive told him I'm stuck with him till we can divorce, but for me this is now a marriage of convenience only. We can be civil, since we dont usually fight, but my heart is no longer his.
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