I'm married and in love with somebody else

[leavanda]

The short story is that we are having some problems in our 11 years marriage for sometime. But recently (5 months) I started an affair with a guy that is in love with me for almost one year and a half.

 

I have two children, still young and they are crazy about their father so...the option to divorce is really a difficult one to choose. He is also not a bad guy. But I'm not in love anymore with him, I love him at another level, just the butterflies are missing, which is quite very sad.

 

This guy is great, but also missing some power and strenght to be fully committed with me. He is saying that loves me, proves this with some actions, but not exactly what I expected from him. The main reason is the money. Both of us are in a very difficult financial situation for the moment. He lost his job due to cutting downs at his workplace. His girlfriend has still a good salary. He was one time on the phone with me to the verge of collapsing and crying that he cannot take care of me and my children if I will divorce and he's ashame of that but still wants me and hopes that we will be together later when the financial situation is getting better.

 

I want to get over this messy situation but I do love him deep from my heart and sometimes at night I fantasize how we will end up together maybe after some years. I feel that he loves me but this is a very difficult and impossible situation for us to be together. So any advice?

Edited August 27, 2013 by leavanda

[BeholdtheMan]

So any advice?

Whether you want to divorce or not, your husband deserves the truth. Don't use your kids as an excuse to keep your husband in the dark. Most wayward spouses hide the truth for selfish reasons (they don't want to go through the consequences of confession...risk losing their spouses, family support, financial stability etc.)

 

Rise above this selfishness. Time to face the consequences like an adult. Tell your husband the truth. Despite your professed love for him, you've already cheated on him. The least you owe him is an honest confession. If you keep him in the dark, not only are you showing through your actions that you don't love him, you're showing that you don't even respect him.

[leavanda]

Actually I told him, we reconnected at some level, he said he cannot live without me, and he still loves me and forgive me but I do not have to see this guy anymore or it's over.

 

The problem is that I am between two worlds. I didn't see this guy for 2 months now, still we keep in touch. He still says he loves me, but that's all. The issue is I cannot get over .

 

Not every single day is not passing by without thinking that maybe I lost the love of my life. I wish that was easier.

[Meatballsmom]

"two children and they are crazy about their father" Red Flag!

 

Get as far away from the OM as possible. This man can Never be a part of your life.

 

You are young yet, in a couple of decades, your children will be grown and most likely begin to have children of their own. Grand children are a true blessing when you get older.

 

If you continue the relationship with the OM you run the risk of alienating your children and never seeing your grand children. Children of divorce will, quite often, after they grow up, turn on the cheating spouse who broke up their happy family.

 

Even if you legally divorce before you get together with him, the stain of the affair with him will always be on your relationship. You will be Enemy #1 and he will be #2. This will not double their dislike of him, but make it tenfold for the both of you.

 

And they are crazy about their father, almost guarantees that after they become adults the relationship between you and your children will be extremely strained.

 

Two of my workmates made the choice of divorcing and starting a new life with their OM. Both of them had their kids cut them out of their lives after they grew up and put 2 and 2 together.

 

All of their grand babies are now teenagers. The one has never seen or held them. The other briefly got to hold the first grand baby at the hospital before she was run off by her son the father. In order to see her grand daughter she used to go to her school when it let out, and hopefully get a glimpse of her as she left the school grounds.

 

You have no idea how painful Christmas can be, knowing that your grand child can not be a part of your life during this most happy of times. The one now times her vacation during the holidays, so that they can be in Vegas, to forget what she is missing.

 

And you can forget being invited to their B-day parties, graduations and weddings.

 

This is the risk you are running in a couple of decades.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Meatballsmom

[leavanda]

Of course you can't get over him. You are still talking.

 

That is true. Sunday I read about "no contact" rule for the first time in my life and I try now to apply it to stop this painful situation for everyone.

[dichotomy]

Skipping your feelings and desire for this OM. I am reading your decription of him, and thinking, is this the strong dependable solid man you want to be a (step) father to your two children? Does not appear to be the male role model I would want raising my kids. .......Of course since you husband is an amazing dad - you divorce and give him primary residential custody of your kids. No reason they have to live you and your new super OM:confused:

[leavanda]

Why would anyone advise this woman to stay with a husband she no longer loves? For the money? Really? Jesus, let him go find someone that will truly love him and not just use him for financial security. Selfish.

 

I'm not using my husband for the financial security because I'm working, he's not, he's staying with the children because his small company is just closed for 3 months now.

 

I asked him for divorce 5 months ago but he said we have still to try, he had moments when he was going away, even trying to find somebody else. I didn't oppose to this because of what I did but...he was coming back to me, to say that he still loves me and beg me for the sick of our history and because we are actually a family to try again.

 

And I did, but my heart is just saying something else. And I know is not fair for anyone. But I have no power to sorted in another way, so I stay in the marriage.

[leavanda]

Skipping your feelings and desire for this OM. I am reading your decription of him, and thinking, is this the strong dependable solid man you want to be a (step) father to your two children? Does not appear to be the male role model I would want raising my kids. .......Of course since you husband is an amazing dad - you divorce and give him primary residential custody of your kids. No reason they have to live you and your new super OM:confused:

 

That is true. My feelings exactly, I do not want to raise my kids with him. But I love him, that is the thorn in my heart. I am also a woman, not only a mother, and that is killing me actually.

 

Maybe is also a midlife crisis, because I will get to a round number soon. I really do not know, I feel powerless and not in control of my life and my feelings.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But I'm not in love anymore with him, I love him at another level, just the butterflies are missing, which is quite very sad.

 

Love is not butterflies. Mature love goes deeper than that, and is more than "feeling".

 

I bet that if you run off with OM, that after 11 years you'll feel the same for him (or any man) as you do now for your husband. Heck, after one year the butterflies will be gone. Then what? Another new guy?

[bubbaganoosh]

If your husband had a bit more backbone, he should have divorced you. Your being selfish and thinking only of yourself. This bum your screwing is also married with no job and want's to take care of your children in the worst way. Would be nice if he tried a bit harder to take care of his own family. One gets what one deserves and sooner or later you will.

 

There's a old saying. "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it".

[TigerCub]

Why do you think this OM is such an awesome guy?!

 

He has got to be the douchiest of the douches out there.

He's cheating on a gf that's working to support his unemployed ass, meanwhile crying to you on the phone about how he wants to support you and your kids?!

 

Ugh!!

If you leave a man that loves you and is a good father, just because right now the butterflies are gone - don't be surprised if you end up supporting douchy Mcdouch as he cries to his new love about how he wants so badly to be there for her.

[NYWoman]

You're being played! How do I know? My story is similar in some ways to yours.

 

Except my H caught me and gave me the boot. At first it was great fun, being with a new love of my life, making new friends. It was butterfly time all over again. It was like a fairytale, until the day I saw my H in the arms of his new girl friend.

 

That is when my life turned into a real life nightmare, and the "What the he (double hockey sticks) was I thinking hit me. It was then I woke up to the fact that I had been set up and played.

 

As the bubba... said, "Be careful what you wish for because you might get it."

 

There was absolutely nothing I could do to get back into my H's good graces. Believe me, I tried everything I and my friends could think of for the next 3 years.

 

I remarried and had a couple of kids, as a father he was normal. As I said in a post months ago, I traded in a captain of the all star team for just a run of the mill guy.

 

Your H sounds like a great dad. My first H would have been a far more fantastic father. And to this day I still feel that I cheated my kids out of having a great dad

 

Go NC with the OM and get yourself into IC.

[leavanda]

Why do you think this OM is such an awesome guy?!

 

He has got to be the douchiest of the douches out there.

He's cheating on a gf that's working to support his unemployed ass, meanwhile crying to you on the phone about how he wants to support you and your kids?!

 

Ugh!!

If you leave a man that loves you and is a good father, just because right now the butterflies are gone - don't be surprised if you end up supporting douchy Mcdouch as he cries to his new love about how he wants so badly to be there for her.

 

I agree with you somehow.

 

I remember the first "dates" with this guy, he was very nice and generous but he is not a person who I admire, because he is not reading, going to the theatre or even sharing some of my tastes. But...I am somehow under his spell.

 

He is a great kisser and lover, but otherwise has no appealing qualities for me. Actually he is not "my type of man". But at one point I wanted to give up everything for him. He must be a hack of a player, I do not know I wish I didn't even meet him.

[leavanda]

You're being played! How do I know? My story is similar in some ways to yours.

 

Except my H caught me and gave me the boot. At first it was great fun, being with a new love of my life, making new friends. It was butterfly time all over again. It was like a fairytale, until the day I saw my H in the arms of his new girl friend.

 

That is when my life turned into a real life nightmare, and the "What the he (double hockey sticks) was I thinking hit me. It was then I woke up to the fact that I had been set up and played.

 

As the bubba... said, "Be careful what you wish for because you might get it."

 

There was absolutely nothing I could do to get back into my H's good graces. Believe me, I tried everything I and my friends could think of for the next 3 years.

 

I remarried and had a couple of kids, as a father he was normal. As I said in a post months ago, I traded in a captain of the all star team for just a run of the mill guy.

 

Your H sounds like a great dad. My first H would have been a far more fantastic father. And to this day I still feel that I cheated my kids out of having a great dad

 

Go NC with the OM and get yourself into IC.

 

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with me. It's a kind of eye opener for me.

[Chi townD]

Actually I told him, we reconnected at some level, he said he cannot live without me, and he still loves me and forgive me but I do not have to see this guy anymore or it's over.

 

The problem is that I am between two worlds. I didn't see this guy for 2 months now, still we keep in touch. He still says he loves me, but that's all. The issue is I cannot get over .

 

Not every single day is not passing by without thinking that maybe I lost the love of my life. I wish that was easier.

 

Uh huh... now why don't you tell him the ENTIRE truth. I speculate that your husband doesn't know how deep this is or what you've done exactly.

[whichwayisup]

I have two children, still young and they are crazy about their father so...the option to divorce is really a difficult one to choose. He is also not a bad guy. But I'm not in love anymore with him, I love him at another level, just the butterflies are missing, which is quite very sad.

 

Love isn't JUST about butterflies. Especially when you have two young children.

 

If you put half as much energy into your husband and marriage, it could get better. You chose to go elsewhere instead of facing and talking to your H about how you feel. That's a character flaw. Your H seems like a good man, a good father and husband, yet you don't have rainbows and butterflies for him anymore, so therefore you want out of your marriage. That ain't true and long lasting, daily growing love if you fell out of love with him so quickly.

 

You owe it to your young children to give your marriage the absolute best effort before throwing in the towel.

 

What happens when you do divorce/if you divorce and those sweet butterflies disappear with your OM? A man whom you don't know that well and have no life with, no children with, no real ties other than emotions, falls apart and it isn't what you thought it would be? you'd probably regret giving up the life you have now, the whole package - For the unknown.

 

I say if you want OUT of your marriage, divorce and do it fairly and quickly. Live alone and be alone for at least a year to adjust to the changes and then go 'date' the OM in a proper way. To leave your H and split up your family unit then move in with your OM and start a new a life with him so quickly is not healthy and very doubtful it would even last once reality and not so good stuff in life hits you both.

 

Get counseling and talk to your husband.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with you somehow.

 

I remember the first "dates" with this guy, he was very nice and generous but he is not a person who I admire, because he is not reading, going to the theatre or even sharing some of my tastes. But...I am somehow under his spell.

 

He is a great kisser and lover, but otherwise has no appealing qualities for me. Actually he is not "my type of man". But at one point I wanted to give up everything for him. He must be a hack of a player, I do not know I wish I didn't even meet him.

 

You're way to caught up in the fantasy. That's not LOVE, it's lust and its UNHEALTHY, dangerous too.

 

Your OM is a pig, a player and more than likely just in it for fun and no emotions, yet you feel "in love".

 

You have a loving and supportive husband at home, yet you're willing to throw it all away for some ass.hole player!

[leavanda]

Wow. The more you post the more one can predict how this ugly mess will go if you end up with this guy. In a few years time you will be complaining even louder about him not enjoying things that you like, that you are deprived because you have nothing in common, and conveniently you will find someone else who does have all appealing qualities you like. You would do yourself and your family a favor by going no contact. You disrespect his girlfriend and your husband by continuing a relationship where even you can see that he is not worth it.

 

 

Maybe. But was never a time in your life when your feelings where getting control of your mind, that you said to yourself: I want this person even when I know is not right for me. That was happening to me. Was nothing rational in this. Maybe was pure lust. But later I couldn't not even breathe without him.

 

There were times when I thought I will die from crying because I didn't intend to hurt somebody...meanwhile I was so overwhelmed of what I was feeling that I wanted just to run away of eveything.

 

I know that everybody blames the cheaters, I'm not stupid, I have also my morals and principles in life and I didn't intend to become a one, but it happened.

 

And we do not have a relation now. For 2 months already, we are messaging sometimes on fb, or on the phone but from Sunday when I read about NC nothing at all. So I hang in there, hoping my pain to disappear, the feeling for him to vanish and I read a lot on internet to learn what I can do more.

[Steadfast]

You've done one of the very worst things you can do to a husband and father. You have emasculated and rewarded his love with sadistic betrayal.

 

Fearing the loss of his lover and the children she gave him, he has resorted to begging. Making him even less attractive to you. Then, you encouraged him to find another lover, and his failure to do this makes him feel even lower than before. You are not only crushing his spirit, but making him a mockery in front of his own children. This will greatly harm them too.

 

Leave now and don't take no for an answer. He'll probably be OK. In time, he'll realize losing a cheating wife is better than living a death sentence with one. If you ever loved him, find it in your heart to set him free.

 

Perhaps you will see a real man is a man who lives and dies for his family.

[TigerCub]

I agree with you somehow.

 

I remember the first "dates" with this guy, he was very nice and generous but he is not a person who I admire, because he is not reading, going to the theatre or even sharing some of my tastes. But...I am somehow under his spell.

 

He is a great kisser and lover, but otherwise has no appealing qualities for me. Actually he is not "my type of man". But at one point I wanted to give up everything for him. He must be a hack of a player, I do not know I wish I didn't even meet him.

 

Saying things like that in bold is just an attempt to relieve yourself of your own actions.

Like, 'Oh, I just can't help it, it's beyond my control'

 

Well it is within your control.

 

Look, I'm not trying to be mean to you, I've been with someone that I felt I just can't resist him. I wasn't cheating on anyone I was with, but it was cheat situation on the guy's part, and yeah I felt like I can kiss this guy for the rest of my life, I can't control myself when he's around me, i just love him and that's it - can't resist.

 

But I can resist and so can you.

 

I cut him off and my life got a lot better. Sure at first it was really hard and I missed him terribly, but after some distance I felt so much better to be out of that situation and to be with someone that was with only me.

 

Instead of getting lost of fantasies of a guy that you admit isn't really the type of guy you want - I think you should thank your lucky stars that you husband is willing to work on the M with you. If I was in his shoes, I really doubt I'd make the same call (but again, I'm not married and don't know for sure what I would do)

 

Anyways, point is - you are in control of your own actions if you really want to be.

You have a lucky chance to work on your M, don't waste it and don't hurt you husband any further.

Edited August 27, 2013 by TigerCub

[aliveagain]

I guarantee you if you and O/M connect after divorcing your husband the reality of life will change your relationship. You will now be the breadwinner supporting O/M(replacing his girlfriend). O/M won't be connected to your children the way your husband is, they will more than likely be in his way. The fairytale will end when finances and living get in the way. O/M's sh*t does stink but by the time you realize it the damage will already be done. The time you are wasting on O/M you should be spending on repairing the damage you have caused to your marriage. Commit to your marriage or get out of it, stop lying to everyone.

[whichwayisup]

And we do not have a relation now. For 2 months already, we are messaging sometimes on fb, or on the phone but from Sunday when I read about NC nothing at all. So I hang in there, hoping my pain to disappear, the feeling for him to vanish and I read a lot on internet to learn what I can do more.

Stop messaging on facebook/email/texting. You are not in NC mode at all. by continuing contact with him, it feeds your feelings. the only way to make yourself get over him and to heal is to stay out of each others lives. You must be pro active in doing NC on all levels. he's become a habit, a crutch and you're addicted to how he makes you feel. Notice how it's all about you and not really caring about consquences? That's not love, it's an unhealthy addiction/habit you have with him. You know he's a player and a jerk, what is it that you actually 'love' about him? Is he kind hearted and giving your like your husband? He is a gentle man who gives to friends and family, who would help anybody out on a whim without giving it a second thought? Is he truly a nice person all around? So far from what you've said about him, he isn't.. So again, what is it that you love about him other than excitement and passion? THAT ain't love at all.

 

You have A LOT to lose.

[Furious]

I'm going to go against the grain as to those who are trying to make you appreciate and value your husband and family.

 

You seem to be defensive of your love affair and the butterfly "feelings" that seem to supersede the reality of your situation.

 

I am rooting for you and your affair partner to end up together. You both have more on common than you do with your husband and he has with his SO.

 

You're ignoring those who are not supportive of the choices you've made and that's your prerogative.

 

I truly believe you must not stand in the way of those who wish to jump off a cliff.

 

Good luck

[2.50 a gallon]

leavanda

 

Question. Your children, how old are they and Boy, girl?

 

Also, do your parents know?

 

The reason I ask, is my uncle, my dad's brother, had an affair. divorced my aunt, while she was pg with her 4th kid and married the OW.

 

My grandparents, told their son, other than special family get togethers, holidays, etc, when my aunt and kids would likely be there, he was welcome in their house any time. But he was never to bring his new wife.

[Try]

I'm not in love anymore with him, I love him at another level, just the butterflies are missing, which is quite very sad.

As humans, studies show that we have chemicals that go off in our brains when we first fall in love. Those chemicals are brain drugs that give you a high that is sometimes referred to as butterflies. Here is the rub, no matter who you are married to, no matter how great a spouse they are, those drugs wind down over time such that they are gone after 5 to 7 years. A different kind of love, coupled with the love for your children, is what usually comes in to replace the butterflies kind of love. The bottom line is that over time the butterflies will go away for your new love and you will be in the same boat again. Serial cheaters are addicted to these brain drugs and will move from new love to new love seeking out this high. Google "in love brain chemistry" to learn more.

 

You will notice that once people are in affairs, the affair brain drugs will make it such that they will pay less attention to the needs of the family and of their children. That is why it is important for the family unit that the butterflies go away so that parents can focus more on the needs of the family and less on their romantic needs once they have children. You have to decide what type of person you want to be, and what type of life you want to live, and how important your children are to you.