BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, rinse, repeat. And yes, you should absolutely rescind your request for her to reconsider. The reality of what she's done needs to hit her squarely in the forehead. Sometimes the harsh reality of her lies coming unglued will make them regret what they've done. If you spare her those natural consequences, she learns nothing and you're then a volunteer instead of a victim.
BetrayedH Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 You need to be doing the '180' until one of you is out of the house.
Author victor_hansen Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I keep thinking... did I miscredit her? She offered some explanation that fit what i found. I thought I'd present false evidence about one of the guys that i thought was one of the threads. Just to see the reason. She offered an explanation that actually corrected my false evidence and convinced me he wasn't a problem... About the guy carrying my worst concerns her explanation actually supports stuff i found that i didn't tell her i knew. For instance. . When she told him I knew what you did last weekend he actually wrote back: what did i do? It was as if he actually didn't know what she was referring to. Also he's the one to ask how much do they know. Why would he be concerned. He's done nothing wrong if he had been with her. He's single. She told me it had something to do with him having psychological problems that she couldn't involve me in. And the explanation about what would ruin their friendship was that she'd been unaware about his state of mind and had been a bit rude towards him as he joked about wanting to throw her in the water. It is still difficult for me to understand where this sentence did: that depends if we're going to act as nothing happened... I'm perhaps not the best at reading her signs but to me she seems really offended. I'm still having a hard time accepting that vast amount of texting going on but to her defense: all her texting devices are constantly in plain sight. I have not caught her in not being where she has told me and during this summer she has had plenty of opportunity to do stuff because she had vacation while I was at work for a week. Then remains her emails with her ex half a year ago. We can't agree about the wording but I'm still sure they were hinting something but she told me she would just my with him and talk... Damn I'm unsure.
Chi townD Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 No, no, no..... Don't start second guessing yourself now. Those texts were pretty straight forward. Dude, she denied, denied and denied. Then, you showed her the proof, and she started to blameshift. Straight out of the cheaters handbook. Guarantee you that if you check the phone records, she was on the phone IMMEDIATELY after she jumped in her car heading off to work. Really wish you placed a VAR in there. Check the records. In the meantime, you need to start doing the 180 and talking with a lawyer.
Author victor_hansen Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 That's the thing... She hasn't called him. Hasn't texted him. Not even on facebook. I have proof.. They don't have a phone on her job, so only opportunity for her would be borrowing a phone from someone. I AM second guessing. I don't want this to be based on false evidence... On the other hand, i don't think I have any say in us being together or not at the moment.
Author victor_hansen Posted September 2, 2013 Author Posted September 2, 2013 I must be f*cked up... I think that long times exposure to feeling of guilt and not being good enough has finally taken the best of me... I have made a decision: Wether or not she has been doing stuff not sound to our marriage, there is only one person, whos mind I can change. Me. I am NOT taking all the blame, but must also be open to the fact, that while she has been feeling surveillanced, she has fought a battle for it to stop. It MUST be uncomforting to feel surveilled. And hence her actions MUST reflect this. I'm not saying that her texting another man is OK the way she did. I'm saying, that I must take responsibility for my part, and that perhaps I have driven her to this. Since I can't see clearly anymore, I can't be certain that she has ever wanted to cheat on me. I can't postulate, that this all happened a year ago after my infidelity. Because I have been so afraid that she would retalliate or I would lose her - doesn't give me the right to snoop through her stuff. I should've in stead have been man enough to just pick up what was appearant and be the person, that she could trust. If she then chose to cheat on me, I would probably find out without snooping - at least if it was repeatedly. I have had my part in destroying our communications.. Now, I'll seek professional help and establish wether my self esteem has suffered - and if so: rebuild it. And then act in corrospondance to my ACTUAL feelings and not ever again become a door mat. With her or without her. I at least owe this to myself. But if I am the one having dealt her the cards - I also owe it to her. Anyhow - working with myself will never harm me. Thanks for listening. I hope she'll take this as the best way for me to act now. At least, I will...
BetrayedH Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 Look, you can't live life the way you were living it: in constant fear of your wife cheating while she deletes text messages, goes off for weekends that make you uncomfortable, and refuses to be transparent about or explain inappropriate relationships. As I said before, privacy in a marriage is meant for the bathroom. It's also very possible that they prearranged for him to just act completely clueless if ever confronted (especially if a spouse suspects something). They tell each other that if we never confess, no one will ever know for sure. "Even if I text you about it, just play stupid.". As ChiTown said, straight out of the cheater's handbook. Where I will agree with you is in regards to getting individual counseling. Improve yourself and look forward to the next relationship being a good one. This one wasn't and until such time as she was ready to work on her end, I'm glad you had your own dealbreakers in place and stuck to them. There are consequences to cheating but accepting it from your partner isn't one you should tolerate.
road Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I'm still having a hard time accepting that vast amount of texting going on but to her defense: all her texting devices are constantly in plain sight. I have not caught her in not being where she has told me and during this summer she has had plenty of opportunity to do stuff because she had vacation while I was at work for a week. Out in the open because she and the OM are careful what they say. Not catching her not being where she was suppose to be means when you let her go away for the weekends she does not have to hide that she is banging the OM. You do not go. You will not catch her. She hides in plain sight.
Chi townD Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 dude you did not cause her to have an inappropriate relationship with some other dude. That was a choice that she made. Now, she wants to end the relationship because you went searching for answers on what was going on in your relationship? Don't you think you have the right to know? Personally, I think she was looking for ANY excuse to end the relationship. I mean, you've been walking on eggshells for a LONG time around her. Is that fair to you? Now will you listen about the VAR's now? You need to carry one on you at all times. She's mad and wants you out. It wouldn't surprise me if she baits you in an argument. The first time you raise your voice, she'll probably be on the phone with the cops asking them to remove you from the home because, "She doesn't feel safe with you being there." Don't put it past her. Carry an VAR for your own protection.
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