This is SOOOO hard!

[victor_hansen]

Story short. My wife and I have been together for 5 years now, sharing a 3 yr old daughter and her 18 yr old son. After giving birth to our daughter things became hectic and we forgot love, resulting in me being unfaithful to her 1 year ago. The side-relationship was for my part over after a week, only having contact because I was intrigued by "what could be". I was actually never interested in that woman, but knowing that she was interested in me kept me going. After 3 months I couldn't keep it up anymore, and at that time my only option seemed to tell my wife, so I could cut off the other woman.

 

She was angry, of course, but gave me a chance to show her that I was really committed. Only if i gave full disclosure and honesty and told her everything. She also wanted me to tell her son, as he would know that something was wrong. Finally she wanted me to cut the line to the other woman. I did, but perhaps I blew that chance:

 

I was so worried that she also was having an affair, so I checked her email and phone and found a guy, that she was texting intensely. Nothing was about me, just him and her texting "ordinary friendship things", but VERY close friendship things.

 

She could write stuff such as "Would you see interest in me if you met me at the bar?" or "I'm going to the dance floor thinking about you Love you, friend!"

 

Of course I got beside myself and told her what I had found. She was EXTREMELY (to say it mildly) upset and told me, that if I went through her stuff again, we were over.

 

****, I thought... While as much as I wanted this relationship, I couldn't live with her having a male friend so close, writing him numerous times a day in that manner - not mentioning me at all, as if she didn't want him to know of my existence.

 

When I asked if she could invite him over, so we all could get to know eachother, she refused. "I don't think it is a good idea, the way you think about him", she said.

 

I decided to see if things woould be better if I just stopped nagging her about it and just behaved like a boyfriend. So I did. For a long time.

 

Her emotional attachment towards me was growing more distant for every day now. No sweet texts - not even as a reply to my sweet texts. Only once in a while when she had had a drink too many, she would show me some affection. I lived a long time grasping for these little signs and convinced myself that, when she was drunk, the truth must have been out.

 

Only until a month ago.

 

She was at a biker event over the weekend and during this I was home with the kids. I texted her a little, just small sweet texts and she texted me back after a few hours. That's ok, because she was out having fun afterall. But one of her texts concerned me a bit. Especially after when she came home told me a different story about the weekends events compared to the text. As if she was trying to cover something up but had forgot what she originally told me.

 

I felt compelled to check her phone again (I know - I'm a bastard) and found through backdoors that she had a LOT of deleted texts. Being a bit of a wizkid I searched the internet how to recover these and I found them...

 

They said:

 

"I know what you did last weekend", "How much do they know?", "Nothing, it's a secret between us that will never come out", "Do you want me to go to the upcoming bikers event?", "that depends, do we act as if nothing happened between us?", "Thats what I'd hoped for never would happen! You mean so much to me as a friend, that I won't let drunk faults destroy this".

 

You probably get the point.

 

Problem is now: She still texts with him. Intensely. She still plans our future together. I know something, that I can't tell her I know, because she then would know that I'd been in her stuff again. But I can't live with it.

 

I want her to be as honest as she demanded me to be. As in.. Just tell me, so we can get passed it. Talk about it and our future. I also want her to not speak to him again, of course.

 

I have been thinking a lot about my options:

 

* Buy a prepaid phone and text him "I know your secret. Do the right thing!"

* or from the same phone write him "Hey have you been with my wife?" and keep the conversation until I "find out" I have been texting the wrong number (to keep him from getting too suspiscious that it might be me, but still so chocked that they will act in some way)

* Hint her about what I know (I actually did last night, as I know he had a contagous decease once called mononocleose - i think. She got very worried as the decease only catches through kissing)

* Get a friend to "tell me" that he knows what she did

* Present her with my worry and talk it through (although she would probably just deny everything and try to make me think I'm paranoid)

* She talks in her sleep. Maybe I can convice her that she said something...

 

I'm confused and losing my mind. I don't want to kill this, even though many of you probably would tell me that it is already dead. I an forgive her for being unfaithful, but I want her to be honest. Let's go on!!

 

Best regards and hope for advice

 

Victor

[aw_1187]

Hi Victor!!

 

It sounds to me like you have a relationship that to some extent is built on distrust - you have been unfaithful but at least you were honest about it (every credit, manning up is the best thing to do) but your partner seams reluctant to come forward.

 

It is impossible (in my oppinion) to have a constructive relationship when there is so much doubt resulting in you checking phones and thinking of little schemes to find out the truth - you cant be happy in that situation.

 

The best option might be to sit down with your partner (make sure the kids are out of the house) and just say to her something along the lines of 'ive cocked up in the past and was honest about it, i think you are up to something but I am willing to forgive, but we both need to be honest with each other and try to move on together if we are going to save this relationship'

 

Just what I would do, other people will probably disagree!

 

Good luck!

[victor_hansen]

Than you for your effort to advice me. My big problem is, that I can't present the evidence. She probably didn't mean to do what she did. Actually I also have evidence that she 3 months after my coming forth invited her ex to our home while I was away. i don't think he came, but her intensions were clear.

 

I have swept this off as her being frustrated and have not confronted her other than I told her I heard on the grapevine. She denied but it's ok. She was frustrated (i hope).

 

But this is not about her doing somthing while being drunk. She might even disregard this as being important. This is about honesty. I want her to admit to me, so I can feel respected. I fear that the longer it takes, the more reluctant she will be as it will slowly fade out in the dunes. In her perspective. But for me - it will not disappear until she tells me the truth.

 

I have hinted a lot. I have told her, that "if you should have made a drunken mistake, at least I'd like you to be honest, but I know I'd forgive you, if I can see that you honestly think that it's a mistake"

 

I'm in a blur...

[Zenstudent]

Sorry, this sucks. You have now both been on the receiving end and it's difficult to regain trust again - honest communication is cruicial.

 

If the dishonesty is a dealbreaker to you. Just tell her that you KNOW, and that you want to hear it from herself, and if she doesn't come clean, it's over. Be prepared to back it up by your actions.

[victor_hansen]

Last time I confronted her with stuff I knew she prompted me for where I had my info from and said that unless i revealed my sources, she'd break up. I think it was a way for her to protect her secret and not stand out as the bad person. . If my sources would fit into some she probably thought she could pull it off to keep her secret with another lie.

 

I fear she will pull the same trick again

[Zenstudent]

... and if she does? She's being dishonest and manipulative, which is a dealbreaker, right? I would say it's an empty threat at this point.

 

You could also try starting with "I learned it from someone, not going to tell you who it is, but it was detailed"

[victor_hansen]

I'm not sure. Maybe it'll be an empty thread from me as well. I'd like to stay in the relationship and even if she cheated. I just don't think i can live with not knowing if she's committed to our relationship. My proof is solely based on texts that I'm not supposed to see. ..

[BHsigh]

Not supposed to see the texts?!?!?! The only, and I mean the only reason that she was mad about you looking in her phone was because she was doing things that she wasn't supposed to.

 

Turn this around, file for divorce, work on reconciliation alter, if you're both up for it. DO NOT BE A DOORMAT!

[Zenstudent]

If the two of you can't talk honestly, and I mean real honestly, now that both of you have cheated, your marriage is toast anyway. I don't see any middle ground here, talk or file.

 

The only alternative is to become madhatters, but I don't see that path have a happy ending either.

[jnel921]

It sounds like you are afraid of the truth. If she gave you a reason to distrust you have every reason to follow up and then confront her about her inappropriate relationship with her friend,ex or whoever it is she is spending extra time texting, sexting or hanging out with.

 

You made a bad choice and I respect you for manning up and telling her. As a BS I can tell you it's not an easy thing to recover from. While I am still upset with my H actions that is clearly no reason for me to reach out to any other man for validation.

 

If you have been doing your part to convince her why it is you stayed and why you love her then there is no real reason for her to do this.

 

You need to face your your fears and don't worry about her statement about looking at her texts. You should print them out, highlight all of the comments where she is inappropriate then ask her why she thinks after reading all of this why you should stay.

 

I am sure her response will not be so cocky. When you make the decision to R either you do the work or you don't. You don't get to hurt each other because you are still feeling the sting of the A or flirt around or keep contact with the OP. It doesn't work that way. Either you commit 100% or you go.

 

I would hate to spend the rest of whatever time I have left with my H searching for continued betrayal. I want some peace of mind. If I can't have that, then he is not the one for me. Be smart. She is playing you and using the infidelity card to get away with her own bad behavior. Put a stop to it today!

[road]

Not supposed to see the texts?!?!?! The only, and I mean the only reason that she was mad about you looking in her phone was because she was doing things that she wasn't supposed to.

 

Turn this around, file for divorce, work on reconciliation alter, if you're both up for it. DO NOT BE A DOORMAT!

 

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

When you confront you never reveal your sources and never have to prove the truth. WW knows the truth.

 

Hide a digital VAR in WW car and one where she takes most calls in the house.

 

Check phone bills for any unknown numbers. When in an affair there is always a lot of contact, calls, texts, emails.

 

Install a key logger on the PC. Do not tell WW.

 

Gather more evidence. Then come back to get your next move planed.

[Bryanp]

Time for you to get tested for STD's. She is cheating on you and you seem willing to live with it. This will be your life now and in the future. She threatens to break up with you and you quiver. Time for you to break up with her. She clearly has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[victor_hansen]

No reason to get tested for stds. We hadn't had sex since my affair, so there you go. . Also i don't think she had sex with anyone. I know all the advice telling me to confront but I'm only backed in my evidence which for her is a deal breaker if she found out how i got it.

 

I need a way to make her come forth so i genuenly can feel wether out not we are working forthesame goal. But i want her to admit at least. Better yet come forth without me pushing.

[Spark1111]

No reason to get tested for stds. We hadn't had sex since my affair, so there you go. . Also i don't think she had sex with anyone. I know all the advice telling me to confront but I'm only backed in my evidence which for her is a deal breaker if she found out how i got it.

 

I need a way to make her come forth so i genuenly can feel wether out not we are working forthesame goal. But i want her to admit at least. Better yet come forth without me pushing.

 

It will NEVER happen Victor. You've hinted and she has denied. She will never come forth without --forget pushing-- direct evidence.

 

no sex since DDay? Why?

 

Any counseling?

 

You are being punished I think. She is trawling the waters for your possible replacement. She reconciled, but hasn't worked on actually forgiving you.

 

Not to be snarky, but chaos after the bith of your daughter seems like such a lame excuse to have an affair.

 

While DDay was handled well, what have you two actually done to repair the relationship?

 

And WHY is she attending weekend events without you?

[victor_hansen]

There was sex... Twice. Last time we had sex, she knew i had read her sexual fantasies that she had shared with her ex on facebook. She felt that time was a competition, that I would show her that I was better.. Actually it was a try from my side to convince her that I actually was trying to better things between us. Ever since she used one of two excuses:

 

1. I can't have sex with you thinking that you are trying to compete with my ex

2. I'm too fat and don't feel like having sex

 

To her excuse, she has put on a little weight and we actually never had frequent sex. But a couple of times a month, though, compared to no sex at all.

 

No counseling on her part, even though I tried to convince her. She said that she doesn't believe that kind of hocus pokus.

 

You're not snarky. It's ok, but truth is that I don't blame it on the chaos of having a baby. I blame it on

 

1. opportunity presented itself

2. I was weak

3. things weren't going well at home

4. I had s trong feeling, she was having an affair (It was right about the time when she started talking to the guy, I now have evidence she had been with a onth ago)

 

This is not an excuse, but perhaps an explaination.

 

I don't think she's punishing me. I myself have a couple of thoughts, that might carry some truth.

 

She's not very self confident regarding her looks. She's been through bad relationships before and the way she texts guys in general is begging for attention. Like "Would you date me, if I were single?" or "No, I hate my stomach. Can't wear a bikini unless at home" - hoping for an answer that would negate this.

 

The deed I did probably turned her confidence down another twist and now she keeps people, that sends her ANY boosters at all close. She appearently can't accomodate my reassuring that she looks good.

 

Problem is, when drunk, she seems to be unable (at the moment) to filter out flirting from others. And this new "lifelong" friend of hers gives her a lot of compliments. I think that he wants more, but stays in the friendzone hoping that he can move closer due to her marriage trouble with me. He's just "being nice". She has therefore developed an emotional affair with him.

 

Attempts to repair relationship by my part: I have tried to be a good husband. I have tried to do more chores in the house and to show commitment. Also I have been honest about my whereabouts and given her affection to the best of my efforts. The lot she would accept. Daily massages. Sweet texts.

 

Her effort: A very rare "I hope you know I love you even though I don't tell you often", when drunk. And she thinks it's a big deal that she actually just stays with me. I don't.

 

She has always had a huge hunger for doing stuff with her friends. The biker weekend WAS (i have evidence) with a female friend. Both weekends. But this guy, of course, is also present - which worries me.

 

She also had a weekend to the capital of my country. All with female friends. It came to my attention, that she'd invited a guy there (not the same) as well, probably for partying. He didn't come, though. But my frustration is, that she keeps this from me.

 

Perhaps she keeps many of those secrets because she has experienced how many times I've misinterpreted them. But appearently, there also IS something not up to interpretation.

 

Sorry for ramble...

[ChooseTruth]

When trust is destroyed I think people have to snoop to learn the truth. It sucks but it's the only way to regain sanity in the face of lies.

 

On the other hand it's not a good idea to reveal your sources because it can just make things go underground more. One the other hand confession is so unlikely without proof. I have a hard time with this particular puzzle...well maybe not. She should be able to tell the truth without having to force your hand...otherwise...her chance to prove honesty is lost.

 

And I'm no good for advice on double betrayal, having no experience with that. Seems like the advice to both come clean and start fresh would be your best bet? Right now she needs to have her skeletons brought out to be fair I think.

[road]

No reason to get tested for stds. We hadn't had sex since my affair, so there you go. . Also i don't think she had sex with anyone. I know all the advice telling me to confront but I'm only backed in my evidence which for her is a deal breaker if she found out how i got it.

 

I need a way to make her come forth so i genuenly can feel wether out not we are working forthesame goal. But i want her to admit at least. Better yet come forth without me pushing.

 

 

The only thing you know for sure is that you did not have sex after your affair.

 

Well based on what you said your WW has been making up for lost time without you.

[bobwhite007]

Please Victor share with us how to get in that back door to see deleted texts. I have tried dr fone with no luck and sorry your going thru this but welcome to the club.

Story short. My wife and I have been together for 5 years now, sharing a 3 yr old daughter and her 18 yr old son. After giving birth to our daughter things became hectic and we forgot love, resulting in me being unfaithful to her 1 year ago. The side-relationship was for my part over after a week, only having contact because I was intrigued by "what could be". I was actually never interested in that woman, but knowing that she was interested in me kept me going. After 3 months I couldn't keep it up anymore, and at that time my only option seemed to tell my wife, so I could cut off the other woman.

 

She was angry, of course, but gave me a chance to show her that I was really committed. Only if i gave full disclosure and honesty and told her everything. She also wanted me to tell her son, as he would know that something was wrong. Finally she wanted me to cut the line to the other woman. I did, but perhaps I blew that chance:

 

I was so worried that she also was having an affair, so I checked her email and phone and found a guy, that she was texting intensely. Nothing was about me, just him and her texting "ordinary friendship things", but VERY close friendship things.

 

She could write stuff such as "Would you see interest in me if you met me at the bar?" or "I'm going to the dance floor thinking about you Love you, friend!"

 

Of course I got beside myself and told her what I had found. She was EXTREMELY (to say it mildly) upset and told me, that if I went through her stuff again, we were over.

 

****, I thought... While as much as I wanted this relationship, I couldn't live with her having a male friend so close, writing him numerous times a day in that manner - not mentioning me at all, as if she didn't want him to know of my existence.

 

When I asked if she could invite him over, so we all could get to know eachother, she refused. "I don't think it is a good idea, the way you think about him", she said.

 

I decided to see if things woould be better if I just stopped nagging her about it and just behaved like a boyfriend. So I did. For a long time.

 

Her emotional attachment towards me was growing more distant for every day now. No sweet texts - not even as a reply to my sweet texts. Only once in a while when she had had a drink too many, she would show me some affection. I lived a long time grasping for these little signs and convinced myself that, when she was drunk, the truth must have been out.

 

Only until a month ago.

 

She was at a biker event over the weekend and during this I was home with the kids. I texted her a little, just small sweet texts and she texted me back after a few hours. That's ok, because she was out having fun afterall. But one of her texts concerned me a bit. Especially after when she came home told me a different story about the weekends events compared to the text. As if she was trying to cover something up but had forgot what she originally told me.

 

I felt compelled to check her phone again (I know - I'm a bastard) and found through backdoors that she had a LOT of deleted texts. Being a bit of a wizkid I searched the internet how to recover these and I found them...

 

They said:

 

"I know what you did last weekend", "How much do they know?", "Nothing, it's a secret between us that will never come out", "Do you want me to go to the upcoming bikers event?", "that depends, do we act as if nothing happened between us?", "Thats what I'd hoped for never would happen! You mean so much to me as a friend, that I won't let drunk faults destroy this".

 

You probably get the point.

 

Problem is now: She still texts with him. Intensely. She still plans our future together. I know something, that I can't tell her I know, because she then would know that I'd been in her stuff again. But I can't live with it.

 

I want her to be as honest as she demanded me to be. As in.. Just tell me, so we can get passed it. Talk about it and our future. I also want her to not speak to him again, of course.

 

I have been thinking a lot about my options:

 

* Buy a prepaid phone and text him "I know your secret. Do the right thing!"

* or from the same phone write him "Hey have you been with my wife?" and keep the conversation until I "find out" I have been texting the wrong number (to keep him from getting too suspiscious that it might be me, but still so chocked that they will act in some way)

* Hint her about what I know (I actually did last night, as I know he had a contagous decease once called mononocleose - i think. She got very worried as the decease only catches through kissing)

* Get a friend to "tell me" that he knows what she did

* Present her with my worry and talk it through (although she would probably just deny everything and try to make me think I'm paranoid)

* She talks in her sleep. Maybe I can convice her that she said something...

 

I'm confused and losing my mind. I don't want to kill this, even though many of you probably would tell me that it is already dead. I an forgive her for being unfaithful, but I want her to be honest. Let's go on!!

 

Best regards and hope for advice

 

Victor

[pteromom]

Hmmmmmm.

 

My guess is that since your affair, she is holding onto the marriage only for stability, and she's just going on with her life as if she were single.

 

She may not believe in counseling, but since you have a problem with communicating, and she's obviously distant from you, you guys need to do SOMETHING to bridge the gap. If not a therapist, maybe some kind of couple's workbook or SOMETHING.

 

The only hope for your marriage is to rebuild that trust and intimacy, which is going to be difficult to do when she's putting her energy into her "friend".

 

So something has to give here. Here are some options:

 

- Just be honest about breaking into her texts, come completely clean about how you feel, lay it all out there, and tell her you want to rebuild your marriage. Hope for the best.

 

- Tell her that you are very uncomfortable with her friendship with this man, and if she wants your marriage to continue, you need to be brought into the friendship and meet him.

 

- Say nothing, but focus on rebuilding intimacy by yourself. You CAN make a lot of changes in your relationship by yourself, just by changing your part in the patterns of your marriage. Read marriage books, try different ways to reconnect with her. Maybe once you break down that wall between you which was caused by your affair, she will open herself back up to you.

 

You already know that there has been some form of infidelity on her part, whether it is just emotional, or more. So there is nothing to be gained by continuing to spy on her or gather evidence. You know she is cheating. The question is what do you want to do about it?

[Charlie Harper]

You put a big hole on the marriage ship, and the ship has sunk.... time for divorce, she has to take responsibility for her actions and You too!

 

ITS HARD but the ship is gone...

[Realist3]

Please Victor share with us how to get in that back door to see deleted texts. I have tried dr fone with no luck and sorry your going thru this but welcome to the club.

 

Google: How to recover deleted text messages I thought you were out of investigator mode?

[HopingAgain]

When trust is destroyed I think people have to snoop to learn the truth. It sucks but it's the only way to regain sanity in the face of lies.

 

On the other hand it's not a good idea to reveal your sources because it can just make things go underground more. One the other hand confession is so unlikely without proof. I have a hard time with this particular puzzle...well maybe not. She should be able to tell the truth without having to force your hand...otherwise...her chance to prove honesty is lost.

 

And I'm no good for advice on double betrayal, having no experience with that. Seems like the advice to both come clean and start fresh would be your best bet? Right now she needs to have her skeletons brought out to be fair I think.

 

I agree with this 1000%. NEVER reveal your sources, ever! That is if you want to have some peace of mind in your ability to ascertain the truth from a proven liar!

[Chi townD]

Dude, at this point. Who cares! She ran you through the wringer with what you did. And she made you pay the price. You did everything that she asked of you. And you did it because you WANTED the relationship. You wanted to fight for it.

 

You find inappropriate behavior and she threatens you. Do you think that she would have responded the same way if you threatened her when she discovered yours? I'm guessing not.

 

Personally, I would print up those texts. I would pack my stuff up and have somewhere set up that I could go to. I would place them on the table when she's not home with a note saying:

 

"OPPS!!!! I snooped again! I guess we're done now! I'll have my lawyer contact you to set up visitation. Hope he was worth it!

 

P.S. F*CK YOU!!!

 

Love,

 

Victor

 

 

Thing is, she doesn't think you have the balls to leave.

[Try]

Last time I confronted her with stuff I knew she prompted me for where I had my info from and said that unless i revealed my sources, she'd break up. I think it was a way for her to protect her secret and not stand out as the bad person.

If you discover that she is cheating by snooping, then she will get mad at you for snooping and break up with you. If you confront her for cheating without reveling your sources, then she will get mad at you for not reveling your sources and break up with you.The bottom line is that she does not consider cheating on you to be a big issue as she considers it to be less important than snooping or not reveling your sources. This is pure cheater's logic and you cannot win playing by these rules. Cheating is so much worse than these other things, that you should be the one breaking up with her, and she should be the one begging you to forgive her. She clearly has lost her moral compass, so stop letting her lead the way.

 

Tell her how you know that she is cheating, and when she says that she will break up with you for snooping, tell her that snooping is nothing compared to her cheating, and that if she does not immediately acknowledge this basic fact of moral value, that you will be breaking up with her. Tell that you suspected that she was cheating and that you had every right to snoop to confirm this, and that you will not tolerate her trying to sidetrack the issue off of her cheating with the minor snooping issue again. If she wants to break up with you for snooping, tell her that she is an remorseful cheater and that she should not let the door hit her on the way out.

[Chi townD]

What Try said!!!!

 

But he said it much nicer than I did....