ixlives Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 I need some advice with my g/f. We have been dating for two years now, and have a beutiful 5 month old baby boy. Her first, I have 2 beutiful kids from a previous marriage. Here's the problem. About a year ago a friend of hers (male) moved back. She has told me many different versions on how they met, but what I do know is that they met on an internet dating site about 6 years ago. She has told me they never dated and that they have always have just been friends. It wasn't a problem, I knew they talked once in a while and it was no big deal. We met and I thought he was a nice guy and looked forward to getting to know him and be part of there friendship, we went to one of his parties and out to diner once, then everything changed. One afternoon she called me and told me she wasn't feeling good and she was tired and going to lay down for a while and she would give me a call when she got up. A couple minutes later I tried to call her and see if she needed anything, medicine or whatever and being that she was 3 months along I wanted to make sure she was alright, she wasn't answering, house or cell. I got worrried and headed over there. She wasn't home, now I really got worried, did she have to go to the hospital. I called her cell phone from her house and when she answered sounded very surprised and hesitant to talk. She finally told me she was at lunch with this friend (I'll call him Bill) and she'll give me a call later. I caught her in a lie, and couldn't figure out why. I told her if she was going to lunch to just tell me, when lies start happening, especially with someone of the opposite sex, people start to think things. i know, who would be interested in a pregnant girl. Well she told me they "jokingly" discussed having a child together if neither one were married at a certain age. I said that's something you do in high school, not 30 somethings. I know the child is mine so that's not it. I wasn't mad about it, and still wanted to be part of the friendship. Well things only got worse, she kept lying about him, she was sneaking off to do things with him, and they were talking 3-4 times a day on the phone. This was during her pregnancy, I was trying to be there for her, doing things for her, trying to take her out, but I felt like i kept getting pushed further and further away. I started to feel like the third wheel and I was interfering with them not Bill interfering with us. If I said something, she would get very defensive and mad, and tell me I'm jealous,controlling and all I want is for her to lose a good friend, which by now, I was no part of. All I could do was tell her that it seemed she was putting more effort into this "friendship" then with our relationship. After 7 months of this, I finally had enough, and told her. After a couple of days of not talking she called and agreed with me that they have been doing to much together and talking way to much and she understood how I could feel that there was something between them and she appoligized for lying. From then on, it seemed better. We had the baby and everything was great. They were still talking, and I asked her just to calm things down with him, to give me sometime to get over what has happened and to understand this "friendship" they have. I noticed that he wasn't calling as much but at times and days I wasn't going to be there he would call, and she told me she doesn't call him as much. Well here was the final straw. I was going out of town for a few days, she drove me to the airport and gave me a kiss goodbye. It was nice. I tried calling many times but only got in touch with her a couple of times. When I got back I went right there, it was great to she her and the baby and I missed them. As I walked past the bedroom, on the floor next to the bed was "nightie". I really didn't think to much of it until one day I saw her cell phone bill. When she dropped me off, within 5 minutes she called Bill, again I didn't say anything, because she says I read into things. A couple of weeks went bye and then early one morning the phone rings and it's Bill. He's at the airport going out of town and he was just calling to let her know he was there. This made no sense to me, it seemed like a good bye call and I told her why was he calling you to say good bye from the airport. Again, she got very defensive and mad, I asked her why would she call Bill right after dropping me off and why there was a "nightie" on the bedroom floor, she had no answer and couldn't remember why she called him, and told me she was getting clothes ready to give to good will, and that's why the nightie was on the floor. I don't buy any of this. I love her very much. But what does everyone think. Am I reading into something that isn't there, am I jealous over nothing and controlling like she says? I know I'm not that type of person but my "gut" has been telling me something for a while and I don't want it to be true.
bluechocolate Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 am I jealous over nothing and controlling like she says? From the way you've described - no - I don't think so. She has a highly inappropriate relationship with a man other than her partner & father of her child. If she wants this relationship with you to work she has to put you before him. Her past with this guy has not been blemish free & she has admitted as much. You have every good reason to continue to suspect her for quite some time until your trust has built up again. The phone call from the airport & the phone call to him as soon as you left town are clear signs to me that she is not worthy of your trust because, as I said, if she wants this relationship to work she has to be willing to put you before him - she hasn't done that. If I said something, she would get very defensive and mad, and tell me I'm jealous, controlling and all I want is for her to lose a good friend, which by now, I was no part of. There is nothing wrong with someone maintaining old friendships, even with ex's, when they're in a relationship - but this is no ordinary friendship - which is precisely why you are not a part of it. I know I'm not that type of person but my "gut" has been telling me something for a while.... I think you should listen to your gut. ....and I don't want it to be true No one would want something like this to be true, it really sucks.
sami Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 You are not even the "third wheel" my friend. You are nowhere nearer.
Lucia Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 It might as well be friendship. The nightie on the floor doesn't mean anything. Calling a friend and talking - that is nothing special. She can care about a friend, but be in love with you.
dwsgirl Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Listen to your gut...your girlfriend is definitely hiding something from you. That's probably why she accuses you of being jealous and controlling. She knows she's doing something wrong and can't defend her actions so she tries to make you feel bad for bringing it up. If she really loved you she would be making and effort to include you in this "friendship". Might be time to let her go and move on.
DJ_Dork Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 She's a liar and unworthy of your attention. WTF are you doing? Get away from her. And for freak's sake don't make more babies, the earth is getting wasted from people like you who produce unproductive children from unproductive individuals.
Author ixlives Posted November 12, 2004 Author Posted November 12, 2004 thank you for the replies so far,,,as for Dj, I'm far from an unproductive individual, I have a good career, divorces happen, my children from my marriage are well taken care of, loved to death, very smart, and me and their mother are on good terms. Yes, this was not planned with my girlfriend, and the way I feel about her I saw us being together. I just wanted to know what was asked, not your opinion on my life.
Pinky19 Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 I think that the feeling in your gut is definitely trying to tell you something. I had a strange gut feeling about the last guy I dated. After a few months, everything he said just wasn't matching up. I felt that he was lying to me. My friends and family told me to relax and that I was just over analyzing our relationship. I'm glad that analyzed everything because after 6 months of dating, I found out that he had a wife and kids. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I know how hurtful it can be. I just think that she wouldn't be paying so much attention to "Bill" if she wasn't into him. She should be giving you all that attention. I wish I could be more helpful. Good luck with everything!
Author ixlives Posted November 13, 2004 Author Posted November 13, 2004 Sorry, I'm looking for some more responses, before it's totally over. The last time we talked, a few days ago, during her "tantrum" about me being out to ruin her friendship with bill, she told me if nothing ever happened with bill in the 6 years shes known him, why now. I have never been told "truthfully" about their past, that has changed numerous times, on when, where, why. ANd it seems to me since he's aware his causing alot between me and her and never has stepped back, he's out for more than a friendship.
bluechocolate Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 What I can't understand is her insistence to maintain her friendship with this guy in a way which you're clearly not happy with. If you were her number one priority she should have no problem in laying off the contact with this guy. It sounds to me that you wouldn't mind him being a part of "your" lives, just not so much a part of hers and I think you are being perfectly reasonable in this. But I'm sorry mate, if she can't understand that & isn't willing to compromise with you on it, then I don't think there is much that you can do..... and I would ask for a paternity test to be performed on that baby. Your future is very shaky with this woman & I think you should know exactly where everyone is standing when push comes to shove. check out <removed> - they have loads of useful stuff on relationships & infidelity (emotional & physical)
Recommended Posts