bizzare story

[1calgal]

I've been lurking for a while and finally decided to write. I am struggling to figure out what the heck has happened to my life. My story is unusual in some ways but just like everyone else's in others. I had been married for 18 years. My husband always had fantasies about me having sex with other men. Early on in our relationship I partook in this but had not done anything for many, many years because I could never have sex with someone without having feelings for them. And I didn't want to have sex with someone I didn't know.

 

Fast forward to March of this year. The last few years of our marriage have been difficult; husband has not had any income, never felt he could work for anyone else and so never has looked for a job. We lost everything, living in a relative's house for six months. He is always on the computer working on his own ideas and projects. He is extremely bright, well-educated and 10 years older than I. Our lives have always been unstable and I have not felt I could depend on him. This has made me crazy. I have been the sole breadwinner for my family for almost two years. I didn't not feel he was doing enough at home either. I felt like I was doing almost everything. But he did always express great love for me.

 

In any case, he has said for a long time that I was no longer in love with him. I wasn't sure. I thought I still did. But I kept having fantasies about other men; men I worked with, men I met in places...but never acted on it. He has had sex with many women during our marriage, but as far as I know he has never had an emotional affair. We've always been open about talking about this kind of thing. So he knew about my recent feelings about other men. He thought that if he set up a date for me to have sex with other men that this would help our relationship. He created a profile for me on Ashley Madison. I had never heard of the sight. Reluctantly, I took a look. I became intrigued by some of the profiles.

 

The second person I met, was suddenly everything I wanted in somebody; with the huge exception that he was married. He was very involved with his kids, he was stable, he was very successful in a field close to mine, he took care of his family, he was easy to get along with... Our relationship became very heated very quickly. My husband panicked (understandably). He became very bizarre, talking about bringing an 18 year-old girl to live with us, someone he'd been talking with online and was attracted to. He began tracking me, was very hostile. Everything fell apart. The MM *at first* was very clear that he would not leave his wife. Then he started telling me he loved me and that he didn't think his wife loved him. He met my kids. But he said that he didn't want his kids to think less of him (even though youngest is a senior in high school now.) I decided I needed to get a divorce. And so it happened, fast. Husband left the country and left me with four kids to take care of on my own.

 

Then I was in a situation where I was even more vulnerable than before. I tried to break off relationship with MM on several occasions but went back. Finally his daughter figured out the affair and everything was outed. That was it. I never saw him again after that. He wrote me for several weeks after that, saying he was still in love with me and that he was just going through the motions, that he was very sad because his daughter wouldn't talk to him. But several weeks after that he said things were going much better with wife and that everything was over between us and there was no future, that he would always love me but that it was done.

 

That was about a month ago. I have had no contact with him since. He said he liked hearing from me, but I know I can't do that. He has not made any attempts to contact me. I have not cried so much about someone or been so depressed since I was a teenager. It's like I've been hit in the head by a brick. So in less than six months I went from what I thought was a comfortable marriage to falling head over heals with someone else, divorce, being left to fend for my four kids on my own, no child support. It's all a huge mess. How did this all happen? I don't want to go back to my husband. He wouldn't take me back at this point anyway. I feel let down by him as well. One strange thing...the first time I cut things off with MM, my husband met with him for lunch and convinced him to contact me again. I think in his own twisted thinking this would help. I'm pretty sure he is bi-polar.

 

All I can think about is MM. I think I will never feel that way about anyone again. My self esteem is shot. I feel thrown away. I feel guilt about what I did to my husband. I wish that I had had the strength to stay away from MM early on.

 

Why am I so willing to do whatever men want? Why am I so quick to lose myself? I am highly educated, make good money and am attractive. But now I question every decision I've ever made.

 

How long will it take for this heartache to go away? I came very close to sending an email to MM today. I was feeling so hurt. I actually called ex to talk to him. He doesn't make me feel any better. But it did keep me from making contact with MM. I have started going to therapy. I hope this helps. I still feel so much guilt about leaving my husband. I know that I did not go about it the right way. But he was not an innocent party in this either. Anyone else ever get themselves into such a mess? My kids and I are stable now, but I am just so lonely after being with the same person since I was 20 and then having felt like I was awake for the first time in years with this other man. Why do I doubt myself? I think that I will never feel that way again about anyone else.

[bubbaganoosh]

This is why fantasies often don't work. In your mind, the fantasy is pre planned, and under control because it works out the way they want it to but then when the fantasy is made reality, all the pitfalls that were brushed over in the fantasy are there and that's where it falls apart.

 

I don't understand how this was a comfortable marriage when he sat at the computer, did nothing and brought in no income. Not to mention, encouraging you to have sex with other men? I think the problem you have is that fantasy he had. Your self esteem might be low due to your husband wanting and encouraging you to have sex with other men? In some cases a woman would feel that if her husband wants that, he doesn't care?

 

Get yourself in to IC and get yourself back on track. I think your getting a second chance which doesn't come around very often. Take advantage of it and take your profile down from that site. Messing around with a married man will not help. Example. Look what happened. You fell for a guy with basically selfish intent. He wanted some on the side but still wanted the benefits of marriage. Tells you what kind of man he was. Think about it. Best of luck.

[1calgal]

This is a very sad story. Are you in counseling?

 

Yep, I just recently started going to therapy. I have never dated in my life. I need to figure out why I'm doing this and what I want. I latched on to my soon-to-be ex at the age of 20 and never let go. I had so much respect for him early on and that all went away.

[1calgal]

This is why fantasies often don't work. In your mind, the fantasy is pre planned, and under control because it works out the way they want it to but then when the fantasy is made reality, all the pitfalls that were brushed over in the fantasy are there and that's where it falls apart.

 

I don't understand how this was a comfortable marriage when he sat at the computer, did nothing and brought in no income. Not to mention, encouraging you to have sex with other men? I think the problem you have is that fantasy he had. Your self esteem might be low due to your husband wanting and encouraging you to have sex with other men? In some cases a woman would feel that if her husband wants that, he doesn't care?

 

Get yourself in to IC and get yourself back on track. I think your getting a second chance which doesn't come around very often. Take advantage of it and take your profile down from that site. Messing around with a married man will not help. Example. Look what happened. You fell for a guy with basically selfish intent. He wanted some on the side but still wanted the benefits of marriage. Tells you what kind of man he was. Think about it. Best of luck.

 

 

Believe me I have no desire to have another affair *ever!* I took my profile off the sight months ago. And I know logically that I don't agree with someone who could lie so easily, just like I knew it was a bad idea to get involved to begin with. I am very quick to try to please people. I need to trust my own judgement.

[1calgal]

Your story is typical and has been presented in the forum many times. Perhaps the only twist is that your H wanted you to have sex with other men so he could get horny for you. Or perhaps he was looking to feel humiliated by you having sex with other men. It is just a kinky thing that he had. These men may even enjoy watching the wife having sex as long as there is no affair.

 

The above is the only unusual component of your story. Otherwise, everything else is textbook.

 

What to do:

 

MM is a loser despite his charm. He may seem like a good family man and father, but it was just a show. Good fathers do not hurt their children like he did by looking for extramarital sex. Kids hurt as much as the betrayed spouse. So your guy is not much better than your exH.

 

GO NC right away. Never speak to MM again.

 

Live on your own and go to counseling to figure out why you have low self esteem. Women with good self esteem do not put up with the crap you did in your marriage.

 

Yes, I am living on my own for the first time in my adult life! Have been in NC for four weeks. I am trying to pay attention to what people do and not what people say. It's a hard lesson.

[aliveagain]

Does your ex not support your children? Most countries will not let you immigrate unless you can support yourself(at least that's the way it is here in Canada). Your marriage was more of an open relationship by the sounds of it. The OM has chosen his family over you and the best way to get over him is to keep yourself busy and let time do the rest. You need to dig deep to find out why you allowed men to use you like that, you need to respect yourself more because guys like your ex and OM don't deserve someone like you. Focus on your children, they need you now, divorce makes them insecure and vulnerable and they need to feel safe. Their lives changed drastically in the last 6 months, focusing on them will take your mind off OM.

[Daisy2013]

I wish you luck with our new life. I know in time you will be happy and never look back. You get a 2nd chance made easy for you out of a bad M and away from a lousy H. Doesn't sound like he was much of one. Take this opportunity to grow and learn, and then to love again with the perfect man out there for ou.