cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 We just kind of made it official about a month ago but have been dating since April. She has been asking to meet my family, etc. BUT there is a problem. She is going to meet a guy for dinner tomorrow who I know through her friends that she had a thing with in the past. Now she doesn't know I know this and told me who she was meeting but described him as a "friend". She has tons of guy friends and quite frankly if we weren't getting deep into a relationship I wouldn't care. I really am confused right now on how I should approach this. Should I not think about it? Past is the past. Should I ask her if they dated and tell her I don't feel comfortable. Girls out there what do you think? Is this even okay?
Dzlez Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Are you serious right now? DUMP that wh*re. A girl should never be even doing that if she has a bf. If you don't do that right now, then good luck bud.
bolase Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Mention it to her in a very gentle way, but don't lie. Say that a buddy told you the person she is seeing was involved with her and you feel a little vulnerable about it. Then just let her go and say you can't wait to see her. Those things would make me just even more grateful to have my current bf, if he acted that way about me having lunch with an ex - and I have done that; I am not close friends with any of my exes but we've had interests in common and if they come to town 2 of them will meet up with me for coffee etc. Like, once a year. No big deal. If it's not shady ie a daytime meetup, she calls him just a friend, and its ancient history, you dont have anything to worry about. She probably didn't want to make you worry or feel like she was actively trying to make you jealous or anything. If it was an ex husband etc then yes, thats gotta be mentioned. I don't think she's done anything wrong. Your reaction is completely normal though. Just have the conversation with her. Let her know you love her. 1
phineas Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) I have a rule. NO EX's. Period. If she is friends with a guy she slept with or even hooked up with once or twice & thinks it's ok to see them one-on-one i'll just move on. Every time & I mean every time i've dated someone who has guy "friends" like this she ended up cheating on me with them. And these women actually told me they had a thing with the guy ahead of time. OP's GF is keeping it a secret. There are plenty of women out there that do not remain "friends" with their ex's out of respect for their current relationships. Plenty of women. Edited August 27, 2013 by phineas 1
Author cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 In a lot of ways I agree with the comments above about it being shady and to move on. I've been lied to and cheated on before. I just think this girl comes from a more honest spot as the woman above mentioned. I'm think I'm going to bring it up casually in our conversation and see what she says and how he reacts. She is one of those girls that can be nice to a fault. But that doesn't mean she is incapable of deceit. Should I say something or just move own because that will make me look weak in the end anyways.
phineas Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 In a lot of ways I agree with the comments above about it being shady and to move on. I've been lied to and cheated on before. I just think this girl comes from a more honest spot as the woman above mentioned. I'm think I'm going to bring it up casually in our conversation and see what she says and how he reacts. She is one of those girls that can be nice to a fault. But that doesn't mean she is incapable of deceit. Should I say something or just move own because that will make me look weak in the end anyways. If you are ready to move on, then why do you care if you look weak? You need to set your rules for a relationship. She can decide if she agrees with them. If not then you move on. I have never known a woman in the real world to be ok with their man meeting an ex for lunch. Ever. And if he called an ex a friend? World War three man. I chit you not. 1
GI_Joy Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Have an honest chat with her before jumping into any conclusions. The vulnerability is understandable--I'd be uncomfortable if my bf was meeting up with an ex for dinner. But she won't know it bothers you unless you tell her. 1
Woop1337 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Look at her track record with you. If she's been great since April, then do your best to overlook it. And don't ask her about it, she's going to find out, you found out through a third party. Women hates snoops. If your going to snoop, dont ever let her find out. You don't even know the nature of their relationship. Or even if the information you got is 100% accurate. So keep quiet, and observe. In saying all of that, when it comes to interacting with exes. The other person should know where the line on the sand is. Without you telling them.
salparadise Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I think it smells like trouble. I've had two similar situations in the recent past. With the first one she started banging the ex behind my back, and the second one was seemingly innocent but it marked the beginning of the end of the relationship. Whether it was the cause or just a symptom I don't know for sure. I think people in relationships should not be meeting or staying in touch with ex's (unless they have kids). When this happens it's always at the expense of the current relationship, but they choose to not see it that way because they like the attention and possibly the belief that they have multiple options.
Bigcitydreamer Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I dunno what I would do in this situation. I wouldn't want my bf to dump me over meeting up with my ex though. In fact a funny story: I used my current bfs phone to log into Facebook like 6 months into the relationship. I forgot to log out and I left for the afternoon. He received a bunch of inbox messages sent to me on Facebook from an ex. We were actually going to meet up, as it was 3 years since I had seen him and I was just curious. He was asking me about my bf and I told him I was never happier and that I loved my bf so much (I'd say that was my only saving grace in this situation). Anyway me and the ex never met. I blew him off because I started to feel a bit guilty. And it just wasn't worth the effort. My bf didn't even tell me at the time that he knew about it. He brought it up a couple weeks later but never made a huge deal about it. We've been together for 3 years now. That was wrong of me but thank goodness my bf was understanding and didn't sweat it!
AverageCat Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Ask her if she ever hooked up with this "friend" of hers. Then after she lies, tell her you find liers unattractive and therfore are not into her anymore... and dump her obviously. 2
AMusing Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Girls out there what do you think? Is this even okay? This is trouble. That she didn't tell you the full story would really bother me. I would ask her point-blank why she felt like she should hide the truth from you. I wouldn't think of treating my boyfriend that way, and would be quite upset if he pulled that stunt on me. The secrecy would bother me even more than her meeting him (which I wouldn't be very comfortable with, either). To clarify, she's getting dinner alone with him? That seems very intimate, don't you think? Dinner with a group, grabbing a quick coffee, or inviting you along (shouldn't she want you to meet her friends?) would all make this a more palatable meet-up. By all means, I think you are in your right to be bothered by this. I would have a serious talk with her, before she goes to dinner.
TheGuard13 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Put this in perspective. It's dinner. It's a meal. The time to be concerned is when she goes over to his place and hangs out, or doesn't come home, or something like that. If anything, you should be less concerned because she told you she was planning to do this in the first place. bolase is right. Mention it gently, air any concerns you have, and let the chips fall where they may.
RonaldS Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 My XW, during the first 5 or 6 months that we were dating, went out to lunch with 2 of her exes. She told me about it ahead of time. I didn't give a crap if she did or didn't because I'm confident. When she brought it up, I shrugged my shoulders and said I didn't care...which I didn't.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 If you guys made it official, did she agree to it too or are you assuming? Seems to me that if you and her are exclusive she wouldn't be having dinner with him. Then she says he's just a friend. Never mentions that they were an item at one time. That's not the way to start off a relationship by not being honest and going out with an old boyfriend I would take a wait for a while before introducing her to the family. Honestly, if this is bothering you, then I would tell her how you feel. Your not being honest with her either by saying nothing when if fact it's not making you feel comfortable. If she objects, then ask her how she would feel id you did the same thing to her. No doubt, she would feel the same way. If your going to be exclusive, then that means no other dating. Period.
Joaquin Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) A girl that makes plans with men behind her bfs back is bad news. Period. She is operating behind yr back by not disclosing the truth about this guy. I would be thinking one or more of.... sneaky, attention seeking, keeping options open, cheater, liar, not trustworthy, .... Good girls and boys just wouldn't do it as they would feel its not the right thing to be doing. Edited August 27, 2013 by Joaquin 1
Onward_Upward Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Ask her if she ever hooked up with this "friend" of hers. Then after she lies, tell her you find liers unattractive and therfore are not into her anymore... and dump her obviously. Cowboy, this right here, is PURE GOLD
Maleficent Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Ewww. This stinks. If there was nothing to hide, she would have told you about the meeting. shady shady shady.
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I still periodically hang out with a couple of friends I've dated and slept with in the past, but I'd always tell my bf about it. It's perfectly above board and he'd be invited, too, as they are friends and I'd be excited for them to meet him. If it's all legit then she'll have no issues with telling you it's going to happen... it would be troublesome if she was going to try and keep it a secret!
Author cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks for all of the responses! I have so much freaking trouble when it comes to getting serious. The thing that sucks the most is the not knowing. And sometimes I don't know if I just create issues in my head. If we weren't getting more and more serious I wouldn't give two shi!s. The thing is she is a really honest and straight-forward girl. I'm just going to casually ask her and see if she is honest about it and go from there. If I have to move on I have to move on. The certainty of that does not stress me it is the confusion I have right now. But I'm trying not to give up so easily because usually I would be like most of these guys. F it on to the next one. I think at some point though you have to give someone a chance. I am always the one to just stop calling and date someone else. I don't want to be that guy this time.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks for all of the responses! I have so much freaking trouble when it comes to getting serious. The thing that sucks the most is the not knowing. And sometimes I don't know if I just create issues in my head. If we weren't getting more and more serious I wouldn't give two shi!s. The thing is she is a really honest and straight-forward girl. I'm just going to casually ask her and see if she is honest about it and go from there. If I have to move on I have to move on. The certainty of that does not stress me it is the confusion I have right now. But I'm trying not to give up so easily because usually I would be like most of these guys. F it on to the next one. I think at some point though you have to give someone a chance. I am always the one to just stop calling and date someone else. I don't want to be that guy this time. You want to be the one that doesn't get the phone call and get dropped like a hot potato? It's not fun my friend. Like I said, ask her what's going on. You have that right. When she gives you her answer, then you can make an evaluation of if this is the right girl. Until then, your flying blind.
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