SubliminalSessions Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) So, I met this really great guy last week. He's definentely my type and we've seen each other a couple of times and had a great time. But, throughout the course of the short time we've known each other...He's mentioned that he's never dated my race before. But, he is very much into me, introduced me to many of his friends and acquientences and even family! But, what has me concerned is the fact that he added he'd been severely beaten by some guys of my race...and went on to show me some scars or what not from the encounter. However, he has treated me with nothing but respect and hasn't shown in any way that he'd be trying to 'get even' at all. I'm just like, I understand the whole incident...I know it was traumatic for him, I'm not sure exactly how it happened because I wasn't there and it was way before I even came into existence. But, I have also told him that the incident had nothing to do with me, it doesn't mean people of my race are out to hurt him, and that he needs to see me as an individual. How can I possible feel even remotely responsible for what someone I don't even know did? I'm just curious, is there anyone who has been or knows someone who has successfully been able to have love with a person the 1st time they dated someone outside their race? It just seems like I meet so many people like that in this part of the country, and everytime I always end up being put on the backburner for someone of their race or lighter. The options for dating within my race are limited, I don't often find the chemistry there, and I've always been into interracial since I was 14 years old living in another state where people come across my race more often. Edited August 27, 2013 by SubliminalSessions
Author SubliminalSessions Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 This can't be a unique situation, or is it LOL?
todreaminblue Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 For starters you area woman i gather and the guys that beat him up were male.......if you were male there might be a problem... i honestly dont understand why he would have a problem with you, unless he wasnt attracted to you and or you looked like his attackers..... you shouldnt feel responsible.......why should you blame yourself for an attack that you were not there to help him or show exactly how you felt about it...maybe that is what you should think of ....if i was there what would i have done........and then think i wasnt there to do that.....but i so would have... that is what i have told guys i have long term relationships with, who get upset or feel bad when i tell them my history..i choose to disclose..... his history is over, he chose to disclose so he trusts you,he wanted you to know a traumatic incident that has probably had an affect on him...he opened up to you, he likes you, you like him so move forward and dont dwell on something you can have no affect with which is his history...but you can have an affect on what tomorrow brings for the both of you...ducks park....fun..with sun attached..smilin atcha.......good luck...deb ps if the attack was racially motivated he may be concerned about vindication for dating someone of the same race......i have dated interracially and you do cop some flak from both sides......you do have to wear that flak with a smile .......and ignore and move on...water off a ducks back that you feed together at the park......deb 1
Emilia Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I'm white and the guy I'm currently seeing had not dated a white woman before. It doesn't seem to make much difference as far as I can tell. It isn't really something that comes up in conversation much. Maybe I'll ask him. 1
Emilia Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 It's not. Now sure what your ethnicity is but I'm black and mainly date outside of my race and so far, it's never really been a problem. Although I do sort of hate when guys feel compelled to tell me I'm the first black girl they've dated before. It's a bit silly, like telling a guy you're the first short guy I've dated and making a huge thing out of it. That being said, it really shouldn't be a big deal. Everybody's got to start somewhere right? The color of your skin doesn't define you as a person, nor does it make you some kind of alien species. One doesn't have to date a few of you to test the waters. It's about the individual. You either like the person or you don't. In my case it comes down to ethnicity, not race. He is from a very different culture and it's partly why it came up. He has lived in my city since his teenage years but he is quite different in certain things. I've had to work out his dating style, etc. In some ways he is more traditional than white westerners in other ways more liberal. It's kinda weird in a way but we appear to mesh... so far.
StanMusial Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 It sounds like that one movie West Side Story. It might end with some stabbings, don't do it.
Author SubliminalSessions Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) For starters you area woman i gather and the guys that beat him up were male.......if you were male there might be a problem... i honestly dont understand why he would have a problem with you, unless he wasnt attracted to you and or you looked like his attackers..... you shouldnt feel responsible.......why should you blame yourself for an attack that you were not there to help him or show exactly how you felt about it...maybe that is what you should think of ....if i was there what would i have done........and then think i wasnt there to do that.....but i so would have... that is what i have told guys i have long term relationships with, who get upset or feel bad when i tell them my history..i choose to disclose..... his history is over, he chose to disclose so he trusts you,he wanted you to know a traumatic incident that has probably had an affect on him...he opened up to you, he likes you, you like him so move forward and dont dwell on something you can have no affect with which is his history...but you can have an affect on what tomorrow brings for the both of you...ducks park....fun..with sun attached..smilin atcha.......good luck...deb Yes, I should add...I'm a boy. My thing is, I don't have a problem moving forward. But, I wonder if HE can move forward though. As an aside, the guy you're dating sounds a lot like one of my guy friends actually. He got his ass kicked by some rowdy black guys once in Chicago and was a bit...traumatized but it didn't make him blame me for what transpired long before I came on the scene. I don't want to get too off topic, because this is really more about people who (not just dated outside their race but) haven't dated a particular race (namely mine). But, I'm curious as to how people get themselves in these kind of situations to begin with. I have a friend also who claimed to have been in a similiar situation as well. I felt bad for him, until over a period of months he was always beligerantly drunk going out, used obscene words alot, and just randomly went up to whoever asking for cigarettes, talking to them, etc. Eventually, I was like...no wonder it happened to you, and from the looks of it you didn't learn your lesson! I once caught him talking to a group of dudes late at night, drunk, outside of a convenience store trying to be 'buddy/buddy' with them. I'm like dude, you don't do that! You don't know those people from adam plus you're drunk! They are not even gay, and you and I are. As someone who has traveled the country everything from the most backwood towns in the South and West, to the inner cities of Milwaukee, Miami, and Philadelphia...I've only once even given anyone the oppurtunity to do something harmful to me, which only ended up with me walking away empty-handed. After a few months, I accepted responsibility for putting myself in the situation. Because it meant that it was not random, but totally avoidable. Edited August 27, 2013 by SubliminalSessions
almond Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) There are many instances of unprovoked violence - unfortunately, it is far from uncommon. Of course, many attacks are provoked as well. Either way, blaming the victim of assault is a far cry from logical in most cases. You have been fortunate enough not to have been subjected to such violence, but this does not give you the green light to criticise and place blame on those that have. I do believe that complacency is unwise, and that we must take some responsibility for our personal safety, but I feel that your post was very one sided and unbalanced. Edited August 27, 2013 by almond 1
Author SubliminalSessions Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) There are many instances of unprovoked violence - unfortunately, it is far from uncommon. Of course, many attacks are provoked as well. Either way, blaming the victim of assault is a far cry from logical in most cases. You have been fortunate enough not to have been subjected to such violence, but this does not give you the green light to criticise and place blame on those that have. I do believe that complacency is unwise, and that we must take some responsibility for our personal safety, but I feel that your post was very one sided and unbalanced. Again...I don't want to stray from the topic at hand, but I'm not at all remotely blaming the victim, especially not the guy who's interested in me! I was just giving an example of someone I know, who told me that story all the time, constantly rubbed it in my face...but eventually I was able to see how it could have happened. Going around drunk, hollering out racial slurs, talking to strangers late at night... I have been in some violent encounters, one involving a friend being shot while I was standing right next to him. The person could have shot me as well, but I had nothing to do with whatever lead up to that. I've also been threatened with a broken beer bottle as well, while I was in the car. But I dropped what I had, got out the car and ran. So who hasn't had any violent encounters? The key is, even though all these things are around, I want him to have some hope that it is avoidable, you can avoid these people and even if it happens, you have every right to remain silent and use your 2 feet. Edited August 27, 2013 by SubliminalSessions
almond Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Again...I don't want to stray from the topic at hand, but I'm not at all remotely blaming the victim Your previous post read as though you were "blaming the victim," but communication is a two way street, so I may have contributed to this via my interpretation. The key is, even though all these things are around, I want him to have some hope that it is avoidable, you can avoid these people and even if it happens, you have every right to remain silent and use your 2 feet. I didn't get this from your first post, but if I had, my response would have been different. Thank you for clarifying.
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