Calcmag Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 He isn't married. He's leaving a 15 year relationship, but they don't cohabit nor are they married.
Calcmag Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Thanks Cal... I saw that and forgot! No problem - it's hard to keep up with all the threads and situations here ! I think it's relevant that they aren't cohabiting/married, although there will very likely still be challenges to face if or when he does finally break up with her. At least a messy divorce won't be one of the challenges. 1
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 While I understand the point of Sunset Red, it wasn't that way with me. My FMM left his marriage long before he moved out of the house. Wrinkled, My situation was honestly not that horrible. I know that is not the norm, from what I've heard, but it does happen. I can think of two others right now who are in my same situation and they're MM seem to have left a lot more easily than is usually believed to be the case. My FMM and I dated for a year and made plans to leave through the entire affair. We were careful at the beginning, but then he just sort of stopped caring. There was a Dday and he kept me out of it. Dealt with her. He was getting things in order to leave. Then there was a second dday about a week later and he left the house. He is in the middle of the divorce now, and has never wavered, never wanted to go back and it has been about us ever since. The divorce process is not easy, but it can be done. Focus on yourself and let him know you are there if he needs you. Have faith. If you believe in the love he has for you, then keep believing. xx Thanks. I guess they spoke this afternoon. She knows its the end, but not in so many words. He says she's very cold and detached. He says he's reeling a bit from the shock of actually doing this thing he's talked about. We've discussed it for several months.
Calcmag Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Thanks. I guess they spoke this afternoon. She knows its the end, but not in so many words. He says she's very cold and detached. He says he's reeling a bit from the shock of actually doing this thing he's talked about. We've discussed it for several months. As she's now 'cold and detached' this would be the ideal time for him to actually tell her it's over. The longer he leaves it, the harder it will be for both of them. I hope he will tell her very soon. 1
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 As a psych major, you should know that numbing yourself isn't a healthy way to cope. You are diagnosing her as being in denial based on the words of a liar. You are studying him.. but glossing over some major character issues. Who is in denial here? You need to feel and sit with those negative feelings- not look for wayato numb them. Maybe being a part of all this isn't good for you, and numbing just robs you of the motivation to make positive changes for yourself. I'm not numbing myself in a huge way. Perhaps I used the wrong words. I have fears. I have sadness for my friend. I've had my moments even in the days leading up to this that have been extremely hard. And he knows of them. Mostly I'm not letting my fears drive me crazy. The therapist he's seeing is a relationship therapist. They discussed the ways that normal relationships end without affairs and decided together that this way was the best way, so as not to out it. This protects my reputation and his, and those factors are very important to both of us.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 You can focus on you and your life, allow him space to work though the process of ending his marriage, and allowing him to grieve that loss. Even though HE is the one ending it, it's still a life to be mourned - He loses his gf/partners family, possibility some friends as well. There's A LOT of change, many emotions to be dealt with so he is in NO position or head space to give to you and put you first, to focus on you and only you. He has to heal and be on his own for a while to figure stuff out so when you two DO get together, it's healthier and open and honest, not based on an affair setting. THAT dynamic (affair) has to end and you two will need to rebuild on a new foundation and get to know one another in the proper and right way. Thanks for that bit of insight.
2sunny Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I think it's safe to assume he may be out of sorts emotionally without her - since he's been with her so long - she's been more his "comfort zone". I'd be cautious about his emotional pull to her more than anything. He could be tempted to run back to "what is familiar". 2
Speakingofwhich Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Wrinkled, I've had a similar experience as you are going through. The neighbor of a friend of mine fixed me up on a blind date with a psychologist who was single. I had no idea he was actually engaged. We hit it off. At some point he told me he had a "friend." And I then became aware that she was going to be at an annual family vacation that included his parents, siblings, their families and his kids which was scheduled to be about three weeks in the future. I wasn't invited which I didn't think anything about as we had just begun to date. At the time I didn't realize what was going on. I truly thought she was just a friend. But, it was a big ordeal (their break up) for her and also for his entire family who had grown to love her. The break up took several weeks. We were together over 4 years. One of his daughters never forgave me for "breaking them up," and gave me a rough time for the remainder of our relationship to the point where getting married just wasn't possible! The one thing I would have done differently is to have let a few weeks or months pass before meeting his kids and family. It really messed our relationship up to have me on the scene so soon after their relationship ended, and in fact, for me to be the cause of their breakup, which again, I had no idea I was at the time.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I think it's safe to assume he may be out of sorts emotionally without her - since he's been with her so long - she's been more his "comfort zone". I'd be cautious about his emotional pull to her more than anything. He could be tempted to run back to "what is familiar". Yes. It's a worry of mine. I think it safe to say I'm an emotional wreck of my own tonight. I'm praying I sleep soon. This is an exercise in emotional exhaustion.
2sunny Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I think it's unkind of him not reassuring you today that it IS over - I'd be wanting him to show me that he's taken the steps to make sure she knows clearly that he's finished. I'm sorry it's worrying you. 4
bentleychic Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Thinking of you...hoping he gives you the reassurance that you need. 2
Speakingofwhich Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I can imagine you are wanting to hear something but please consider it's not a bad sign that you haven't heard anything yet. In view of the fact that he has been so methodical in planning with you for this it seems you can safely trust that all is going well and according to plan!
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Thanks for that bit of insight. You're welcome. Support him but give him space. DO NOT become his therapist. If he has a bad day, cheer him up but don't be the big shoulder..That's what his therapist is being paid for. It isn't fair to you to listen to his sorrow's as his marriage is ending. Yes, he has ended it, but he still is hurting. Seeing her hurt and knowing he is the one who hurt her must bother him, even though it was his choice. At some point in time, he did love her enough to be with her. I hope he respects her and treats her well. Basically how he handles this and her, the ending - Will show you who he is. If he is mean and rude, then that's not cool and keep in mind that if he is capable of doing that to her, he's very capable of doing that to you. Behaviour like that doesn't just go away. It's who he is. (not saying he IS treating her badly or being mean though. I hope he isn't!)
SidLyon Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) Thanks. I guess they spoke this afternoon. She knows its the end, but not in so many words. He says she's very cold and detached. He says he's reeling a bit from the shock of actually doing this thing he's talked about. We've discussed it for several months. So what words exactly did he say to her? Is she psychic or do they share a special connection that means he doesn't actually have to tell her it's over. I'm cynical about this. My fWH never ever said to me that he wanted us to break up, but he did his best to keep his OW believing that somehow I knew he did want us to part. The funny thing was that on d-day he begged me not to end our marriage. I said I wouldn't share him with another woman so he actually told her it was over between them. Despite this a few days later he was apologising for this and saying he'd see her again. When I found out he claimed he was only "letting her down gently". I noticed you used similar words (to letting her down gently) in your earlier post and after several years on LS, these seem to be common words used by the MM in relation to either the OW or the BW. All I can say is they are weasel words to avoid saying whatever it is that needs to be said. Edited September 1, 2013 by SidLyon 5
Author wrinkledforhead Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 I'm taking in all of your words. I am also trying to not let them impact me in a profound way. Reading a lot of the replies here yesterday fed some of my insecurities, which resulted in me acting in an extremely emotional way last night. We are both having a very difficult time right now and arguing is not what we need. So I read the words, reflect on the entirety of our discussions surrounding the last several months, and note the reasons why we have done what we've done (him telling her about ED, etc. that reason is most fresh in my mind without rereading this entire thread). Today we are fixing the tears and tumolt of last night. Today we continue on. The sun rose this morning, and that is good. I am tending to my own healing, recognizing the roots of my insecurities and his, and as I've always done, I am trying to remain two steps ahead in regards to what to expect, to steel is for the future. We've discussed couples counseling through and after this. I think it may be a step necessary to keep from destroying that which we've fought so hard for. In the meantime, in lieu of that, we continue to offer each other full disclosure I'm regards to our current mindsets and mentalities. We are working through this and we continue to believe in us. That is where we are currently. 1
glowing Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 We've discussed couples counseling through and after this. I think it may be a step necessary to keep from destroying that which we've fought so hard for. In the meantime, in lieu of that, we continue to offer each other full disclosure I'm regards to our current mindsets and mentalities. We are working through this and we continue to believe in us. Yes. Counseling is a wonderful idea. We attended a few sessions together to make sure we weren't missing anything that needed to be worked on, and really feel that it contributed to our ability to know that we are doing everything possible to protect what we, as you said, have fought so hard for. There is work involved in making this happen, but you are on the right path! 1
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 Today we are fixing the tears and tumolt of last night. Today we continue on. The sun rose this morning, and that is good. I am tending to my own healing, recognizing the roots of my insecurities and his, and as I've always done, I am trying to remain two steps ahead in regards to what to expect, to steel is for the future. Healthy frame of mind there... Focus more on you, your family, friends, work, hobbies etc., and don't put him first or have expectations of him for a while. He (right now) is in no position to put effort into your R while he is divorcing. That will happen once he's healed and ready to give all of himself to you. The affair dynamic HAS to end so you two can have a real shot at working out and also have a healthy relationship. We've discussed couples counseling through and after this. I think it may be a step necessary to keep from destroying that which we've fought so hard for. In the meantime, in lieu of that, we continue to offer each other full disclosure I'm regards to our current mindsets and mentalities. We are working through this and we continue to believe in us. Great idea. Something to look forward to in the future. As long as you both want the same result and put lots of effort in, no reason why it can't work out. 1
shortee Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 (edited) He lies to her. What makes you think he doesn't lie to you? You need to ask yourself that. You seem like you are in denial. He tells you what his so said and feels. But you aren't there, you can't know for sure. How do you know he's telling you the truth? He makes up stories. Ignoring this is not healthy. You are being blind to see he is manipulating you and her. It doesn't sound like he is ending it at all. He has not actually taken any steps to end it at all. Based on everything you have said about him, he actually sounds like a sociopath. Edited September 1, 2013 by shortee
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