He is leaving her.

[wrinkledforhead]

I was misusing the term 'exit affair' as well. I was under the impression that it was the straw that broke the camel's back, the affair was the reason the WS left. I didn't realize the term meant that it was simply a means to leave the marriage and then the AP has no place in WS's life.

 

I was definitely not an exit affair. We're so good together I can't imagine it being any other way. And yeah, I'm one of those saps who wishes we'd been in a relationship twenty years ago. Our lives would have been so much better! He's awesome.

 

Based on that definition I wouldn't describe it as an exit affair, then. He loves me. I love him. He's not using me solely as a reason to leave her. We plan on building our lives together after this.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I can understand your point of view. We have an excellent communication style with honesty and full details. Because this isn't a typical affair situation, we've spent massive amounts of time together. We talk and text for hours on end. We've communicated about our relationship, our pasts, our hopes and dreams and fears. We know each other as people.

 

To me, that sounds like a classic affair. Nothing different than every other story I read here. Texting and talking for hours daily, spending time together, daydreaming and future planning together... all quite classic and much like a lot of affairs I read about here. It doesn't sound any different than most affair stories told. Typical really. It certainly isnt atypical.

 

I wasn't being snooty or anything. I do wish you luck. I'm skeptical by nature but when you look at statistics of MMs who end their marriage and end up with their AP, its hard not to be.

 

I don't think anyone truly knows a person until they have spent more time together. All you have at the moment are words. I sincerely worry, is all. I mean that with every ounce of my being. It really doesn't matter how much you talk, text, fantasize, plan, pray, beg, plead, etc. You still don't know him like you think you do and the next few years should be telling. That's all Im saying. I would say the exact same thing to someone who was not in an affair. I'm not picking on you because its an affair. Its the 5 months I'm worried/concerned about. Being together only 5 months worries me because everyone is great during the first year together.

 

I truly wish you the very best and hope he is actually everything he claims to be once you start your real relationship together. I'm sorry you didnt meet this awesome.man sooner.

[2sunny]

Did he leave her today? Did he file the D papers?

[wrinkledforhead]

To me, that sounds like a classic affair. Nothing different than every other story I read here. Texting and talking for hours daily, spending time together, daydreaming and future planning together... all quite classic and much like a lot of affairs I read about here. It doesn't sound any different than most affair stories told. Typical really. It certainly isnt atypical.

 

I wasn't being snooty or anything. I do wish you luck. I'm skeptical by nature but when you look at statistics of MMs who end their marriage and end up with their AP, its hard not to be.

 

I don't think anyone truly knows a person until they have spent more time together. All you have at the moment are words. I sincerely worry, is all. I mean that with every ounce of my being. It really doesn't matter how much you talk, text, fantasize, plan, pray, beg, plead, etc. You still don't know him like you think you do and the next few years should be telling. That's all Im saying. I would say the exact same thing to someone who was not in an affair. I'm not picking on you because its an affair. Its the 5 months I'm worried/concerned about. Being together only 5 months worries me because everyone is great during the first year together.

 

I truly wish you the very best and hope he is actually everything he claims to be once you start your real relationship together. I'm sorry you didnt meet this awesome.man sooner.

 

I meant not a typical affair in that they don't live together, aren't married, no kids, no shared finances, but 15 years of sharing their lives in every other way. In many other instances, yes, we are a typical affair.

 

I really thank you for your kind words. He left to see her for the first time in a week and a half tonight, to start. He's seeking therapy and has gotten some guidance on how to best to do this, how to deal with and recognize everything he's going through. I'm trusting his method because I support him (not in this endeavor solely, but as his friend, too) and it may be done tonight or it may take a few days. Tonight will be the first time he's voiced that he's unhappy and will discuss many of the flaws. It may be over tonight. I don't know.

 

I'm not planning on moving quickly with him once its done. We'd have to rebuild our relationship and fix the wounds. We've talked much on what we've always sought from partners in relationships. We've spoken a lot on how to maintain relationships, and specifically ours.

 

I don't know. I'm prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. I have a list of things I've made to occupy myself for the evening. He said he'll text before he sleeps, so I suppose I'll know more then.

 

Until then...

[wrinkledforhead]

As I understand it the OP's cheater is not married, does not have kids and doesn't even live with the woman he's been cheating on. All he has to do is tell her he wants to end the relationship

 

Yes, that sums it up. Easier said than done. I'll know more later.

[whatatangledweb]

Yes, that sums it up. Easier said than done. I'll know more later.

 

I believe it is much harder to end it than many of the other posters. For example, my BIL has been with the same woman for 30 years. They only see each other no other people in all that time. They do not live together ( they live just a few miles apart), do not share money, none of that . They are as firmly committed to each other as a married couple. If one of them wanted to end it , it would be very hard emotionally for them to do it.

 

I know your CM is different as he wants out but it is still emotionally hard to end a relationship.

[2sunny]

Was his plan to do it late in the day?

 

Has he given you any indication throughout the day today that he is still going forward with his plan?

[wrinkledforhead]

Was his plan to do it late in the day?

 

Has he given you any indication throughout the day today that he is still going forward with his plan?

 

They typically see each other in the evening because they both work.

 

And yes. I saw him for about 45 minutes this afternoon when I had a free point during the day. We spoke about it and that is still his intention. We usually touch base once every few hours and he texted me about 2 hours ago saying he was leaving to go. The plan is still the same.

[2sunny]

Sounds promising.

[2sunny]

I think I'd be nervous... Are ya nervous today/tonight?

[wrinkledforhead]

I think I'd be nervous... Are ya nervous today/tonight?

 

I am. I distracted myself well. I didnt get too nervous until a few moments ago, but there it is. I'll have a nightcap and head to bed shortly.

[2sunny]

You don't expect to hear how it went before you sleep?

[Anna-Belle]

You don't expect to hear how it went before you sleep?

 

There's no rush now, is there. I didn't hear from my MM until the next day. It's not like it's appropriate to say to the wife/SO, "excuse me, I have to make a phone call to my OW and inform her how it's going".

[BrokenPrincess]

Good morning! Hope you were able to get some sleep. I'm pretty sure I would've been anxious all night!

 

Interested to hear how it went. Seeing as how he's already so separated from her, you'd think it wouldnt be quite as hard to end it as the MM who have the history together PLUS actual legal ties, kids, mortgages, and finances. Im a little concerned as it sounded like he was lightly backpedaling into this convo with his gf as just going to lay the groundwork, not actually make a stand. Hoping for you he didn't back out but we'll be here to support you if he did. Give us an update when you can

[wrinkledforhead]

Good morning! Hope you were able to get some sleep. I'm pretty sure I would've been anxious all night!

 

Interested to hear how it went. Seeing as how he's already so separated from her, you'd think it wouldnt be quite as hard to end it as the MM who have the history together PLUS actual legal ties, kids, mortgages, and finances. Im a little concerned as it sounded like he was lightly backpedaling into this convo with his gf as just going to lay the groundwork, not actually make a stand. Hoping for you he didn't back out but we'll be here to support you if he did. Give us an update when you can

 

I slept. I tossed and turned.

 

He went to her last night and they talked. He pointed out some incompatibilities and fundamental flaws.

 

My children are away for the night. I told him I had to tend to my studies after I get out of work today but said I'd like to see him. He expressed the same desire.

 

She is a bit in denial and suggested that they could work through this. He changed her words, saying he needed to work through some things. He left before she woke up. Because she is in denial, this was probably for the best so she realizes the seriousness of the situation.

 

Prior to several weeks ago Friday and Saturday nights were hers. He hasn't seen her for a week and a half (besides last night), citing a heavy work load and also depression. The work bit is true, and she knows he started therapy last week for depression.

 

He says today he is working through making it clear that him sleeping over is no longer appropriate. He is letting her down gently, and also letting her come to realizations that its over at some of her own pace. The reasons for this are many. We are not outing the affair. He does care for her, but not in a romantic sense any longer. He does not want to entirely shatter her. I respect this in him as a person and yes, I do have my own hesitations around it all. I think it best that I let this play out without putting too much pressure on him.

 

So.

 

I'm a bit numb. I've had to numb myself to allow myself reprieve from my fears and anxieties. I believe in him, and us. I've made clear for some time that I would not be second, even though I entered as second. I typically have 90% of his mental focus and the evenings we spend together have increased, and significantly in the last 6 weeks.

 

I am a strong woman. I know reality. I've read enough on affairs to understand the many possible outcomes. I'm a psych major and have a good insight as to how humans operate. Since this particular human is very important to me, I've studied him closely. I still trust his current plan and trust that he will follow through. I allow myself to recognize my fears and to speak them to him, but to not to attend to my worries in a self prophesising way.

 

For now I have work for distraction. And I suppose today will bring what it will bring.

[2sure]

I'm concerned for you that he slept over hers last night, of all nights.

That's not breaking up. Even if he wants to protect her fom her own reality...

Since he hasn't been sleeping over there, it seems like doing so last night is going backwards...at her expense and yours.

 

I can wrap my head around his reasoning and your hesitant acceptance of it...but yeah, careful with this.

[2sunny]

Did he have a valid reason for spending the night?

 

If his intentions were to break up - then why mislead her and stay over - hurting you and her by doing so?

 

It is cause for suspicion if he intends to leave her.

[Quiet Storm]

 

I'm a bit numb. I've had to numb myself to allow myself reprieve from my fears and anxieties.

 

As a psych major, you should know that numbing yourself isn't a healthy way to cope.

 

You are diagnosing her as being in denial based on the words of a liar.

 

You are studying him.. but glossing over some major character issues.

 

Who is in denial here? You need to feel and sit with those negative feelings- not look for wayato numb them. Maybe being a part of all this isn't good for you, and numbing just robs you of the motivation to make positive changes for yourself.

[BrokenPrincess]

He says today he is working through making it clear that him sleeping over is no longer appropriate. He is letting her down gently, and also letting her come to realizations that its over at some of her own pace. The reasons for this are many. We are not outing the affair. He does care for her, but not in a romantic sense any longer. He does not want to entirely shatter her. I respect this in him as a person and yes, I do have my own hesitations around it all. I think it best that I let this play out without putting too much pressure on him.

 

This just seems cruel, cowardly, and ineffective. In a non-mutual breakup, it doesn't matter how much one says to try to convince the other...the person who doesn't want to break up isn't going to suddenly see the light & agree its a splendid idea. Especially with such mixed signals & vagueness!!! She's (understandably) going to think this can be fixed, that they can overcome their "flaws", and will try hard to save the relationship.

[2sunny]

What was so difficult for him to be honest with her. He could have said:

 

"I've met someone I'm interested in and want to explore how I feel about her"

 

But he didn't ....

 

His lack of character is showing - and he's misleading her now. That's a bummer!

 

Now, he can expect her to try hard to keep him there - hence, staying over night.

 

I wish he would have just been honest and cut it off - and not have spent the night.

 

Wy stay the night IF he intended to end it? There's no reason for him to be there overnight if he intended to end it.

 

He literally could have told her - then even stayed at a hotel.

 

Look honestly at how YOU feel about HIS actions - because this is the man he represents.

 

Speak up if you don't like it. I hope you will say to him what's on your mind.

[wrinkledforhead]

Wrinkled, hang in there. For me it took a week between dday and his leaving. It's not easy. I had to trust him to do what he felt was right, and he did. Your posts sound much like me in your feelings toward MM. Keep us posted.

 

xx

 

Thanks. I'm choosing to only reply to this post because I mostly need a friend. Everything above may have validity but as I said, I'm choosing not to focus on worry or fear or what its or pushing him. None of those are healthy. I choose to focus on myself and my life and the things important to me as he works through it.

 

Small update that him leaving before she woke up shocked the denial off her. She knows the seriousness. This will play out as it will.

 

Thank you, for your support. Can you tell me a bit on your situation? I need some insight as to what to expect in the days weeks and months to come.

[whichwayisup]

She is a bit in denial and suggested that they could work through this. He changed her words, saying he needed to work through some things. He left before she woke up. Because she is in denial, this was probably for the best so she realizes the seriousness of the situation.

Then he isn't being clear with her. Respectfully blunt and telling her how it is.

 

Him saying that just gives her some hope. He has to have the balls, even though it'll be really difficult to do, to just be up front and honest, straight up and say "This isn't working for anymore, I'm so sorry for hurting you but I am leaving. There's nothing you can or say to change my mind, I'm filing for divorce." Or something along those lines.

[whichwayisup]

This just seems cruel, cowardly, and ineffective. In a non-mutual breakup, it doesn't matter how much one says to try to convince the other...the person who doesn't want to break up isn't going to suddenly see the light & agree its a splendid idea. Especially with such mixed signals & vagueness!!! She's (understandably) going to think this can be fixed, that they can overcome their "flaws", and will try hard to save the relationship.

 

Exactly. Just do it. End it and make it as quick and painlessly as possible. Dragging it out and ripping off the bandaid bit by bit is worse and causes MORE pain and gives the person hope as well.

 

Basically just shi.t or get off the pot!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks. I'm choosing to only reply to this post because I mostly need a friend. Everything above may have validity but as I said, I'm choosing not to focus on worry or fear or what its or pushing him. None of those are healthy. I choose to focus on myself and my life and the things important to me as he works through it.

 

Small update that him leaving before she woke up shocked the denial off her. She knows the seriousness. This will play out as it will.

 

Thank you, for your support. Can you tell me a bit on your situation? I need some insight as to what to expect in the days weeks and months to come.

 

You can focus on you and your life, allow him space to work though the process of ending his marriage, and allowing him to grieve that loss. Even though HE is the one ending it, it's still a life to be mourned - He loses his gf/partners family, possibility some friends as well. There's A LOT of change, many emotions to be dealt with so he is in NO position or head space to give to you and put you first, to focus on you and only you. He has to heal and be on his own for a while to figure stuff out so when you two DO get together, it's healthier and open and honest, not based on an affair setting. THAT dynamic (affair) has to end and you two will need to rebuild on a new foundation and get to know one another in the proper and right way.

[SunsetRed]

He hasn't truly left until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Many MMs "talk to lawyers" "get divorce papers going" and then never follow thru on an actual divorce.

 

Those papers would have to be signed, sealed, delivered before Id believe him.