wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 We've been together for five months. I will try to keep this short. He is leaving her. He is working through how to break it off and not leave her a broken person. He has a date set and is moving towards it but today a discussion triggered a horrible spot for me. I suppose I am here looking for guidance on what to expect from him, what to expect as far as my emotions, and what to expect in the coming months. I am very aware it will not be easy for us in the weeks and months to come. I am here to learn from your insights and receive some support and help. Besides the emotional attachment of 15 years, the split should be clean. They have no children together, do not share finances, and do not live together.
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Be prepared for periods of sadness and guilt. He may feel bad for hurting his wife. 15 years is a long time. Thank goodness he doesn't have children. It would be a good idea for him to live on his own and you take it slow. 2
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 When is he planning on leaving her? This Friday.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Be prepared for periods of sadness and guilt. He may feel bad for hurting his wife. 15 years is a long time. Thank goodness he doesn't have children. It would be a good idea for him to live on his own and you take it slow. They aren't married. He does live on his own and I live with my two children. I agree with taking it slow!
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 The only thing that works is an exit affair. You may be in luck. Only downside is that you could be the 1st relationship after a divorce and that is not a good thing sometimes. What is an exit affair? I'm entirely new to these boards besides some perusing during the early months of our affair to glean some insight. Fortunately I believe I've found someone amazing. We work very well together. I've always spoken openly of my thoughts and feelings and so has he. I've not hidden my occasional anxieties and depression due to the strain. I've been able to be open and honest as has he. Without the affair, we've evaluated the hell out of this and fully explored if we would be as right for each other as our biased loving hearts show us to be. I do believe we can work through this. 1
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) Oh, good luck! Hope he lets her down easily. Is he going to tell her about you? He doesn't plan on it but he has considered it. Their relationship has been broken for some years and I suppose I'm a catalyst to the demise of it. He described himself as happily unhappy with her for the last several years. She is his friend. He doesn't hate her or want to hurt her. I'm really struggling tonight. He's seriously considered the end for quite some time now but didn't take action until last week. I've been okay and maintaining solid friend status for the last several days, trying to be a rock, but I think his fear of her reactions and saying the words have exacerbated my insecurities developed within the last five months. Edited August 27, 2013 by wrinkledforhead Typo
april38 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Well, if he isn't married to her, and they have no children...you may be able to win in this situation. I know that my affair ended because he had too many ties to his wife and children, and even though mine did leave her, it was only temporary. I think if our situation was more like yours, we might have been able to build a life together. I hope for your sake this is what happens. As others stated, you should be prepared for his emotional turmoil that comes with leaving someone he cares about. Be patient...if it doesn't work out, at least you know you were the best you that you can be. Good luck!!
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Well, if he isn't married to her, and they have no children...you may be able to win in this situation. I know that my affair ended because he had too many ties to his wife and children, and even though mine did leave her, it was only temporary. I think if our situation was more like yours, we might have been able to build a life together. I hope for your sake this is what happens. As others stated, you should be prepared for his emotional turmoil that comes with leaving someone he cares about. Be patient...if it doesn't work out, at least you know you were the best you that you can be. Good luck!! Thank you. I've been through hell and back during this thing but he inspires and encourages me to be a better person. I am aware that we're not out of the woods yet and I think there's some part of me bracing for a future where it doesn't work out.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 So wait, theyve been together 15 yrs but he lives alone (they dont live together)? I dont understand Yes. They have their reasons and they had their arrangement worked out. They still stayed with each other (of course) a few nights a week (usually 3-4). They have mutual friends, they've shared pets... It's a unique arrangement.
Hazyhead Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I don't know if any split, especially one of fifteen years, will ever be truly clean. He may be surprised by residual emotions, even if they are only nostalgic or guilt-laden. I agree with the others that you should take it slow, and maybe put a little distance between you. Carry own with your life and try not to make this situation your priority or you could end up dragged into problems they would be better sorting out for themselves. This isn't to say that you shouldn't support him - be there to listen but make sure you put your own needs first. I hope it everything goes as smoothly as possible.
april38 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Thank you. I've been through hell and back during this thing but he inspires and encourages me to be a better person. I am aware that we're not out of the woods yet and I think there's some part of me bracing for a future where it doesn't work out. Careful of self manifested prophesies...I feel like I was so worried that it wouldn't work out when my ex had left his wife for me and I exuded so much doubt that he was able to sense it and it scared him back home. Be confident in the relationship, and don't bother worrying, because you will have plenty of time after your break up (if that in fact happens) to feel like hell. In the meantime, try to be a confident anchor as the truth unfolds. 1
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Careful of self manifested prophesies...I feel like I was so worried that it wouldn't work out when my ex had left his wife for me and I exuded so much doubt that he was able to sense it and it scared him back home. Be confident in the relationship, and don't bother worrying, because you will have plenty of time after your break up (if that in fact happens) to feel like hell. In the meantime, try to be a confident anchor as the truth unfolds. I want to say a huge thank you for that bit of insight. My insecurity regarding that fear has manifested in previous short term relationships an makes me seem like a desperate person, which I am actually not. I was quite comfortable being single. I read this bit to him, too. He has a similar fear. He's older than me and worries that I'll leave him for someone younger than him at some later date. So this helped us both. The bit about having enough hell when and if it actually happens was incredibly helpful and a great reminder for us both to live inside today.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 When my man left it was pretty smooth for a few months. It's only now that things have begun to get ugly, when she realized that he was not kidding, not going home, and that she would really have to start a new life without him. Hang in there, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Thanks. Neither of us have any idea how this will play out and D day is tomorrow. I think we're maintaining okay, and still picking each other up when the other falters. It's stressful but we still rejoice when we're together, can find happiness.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I don't know if any split, especially one of fifteen years, will ever be truly clean. He may be surprised by residual emotions, even if they are only nostalgic or guilt-laden. I agree with the others that you should take it slow, and maybe put a little distance between you. Carry own with your life and try not to make this situation your priority or you could end up dragged into problems they would be better sorting out for themselves. This isn't to say that you shouldn't support him - be there to listen but make sure you put your own needs first. I hope it everything goes as smoothly as possible. Thanks for the insight. I didnt even think about the nostalgia but that point was well taken. We spoke on this and prepared future me for any angst that may pop up later. We have always had excellent, intelligent, open, and meaningful discussions regarding everything, and this includes our relationship and emotions. It made me sad to think of my friend taking her pictures down, but not sad for me. I know this is tough for him.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Prepare yourself. Oftentimes they try to break up and all hell breaks loose. She may have no clue he is unhappy. Especially if they are not living together but he still spends 3 to 4 nights together with her and hasn't tapered off since seeing you. She's probably going to be dumbfounded and cry, beg and bargain. Then comes the incredible I don't want to lose you sex. Then the indecision I don't want to hurt her, but he's ok hurting you by allowing you to be the OW? Get ready for a rocky road and set boundaries NOW for what you will accept and won't accept and stick to them. Don't settle for less than you deserve. She knows something is very, very wrong. He hasn't seen her in two weeks now. I don't think she has fully let herself realize how unhappy he is. They don't have sex. I know this is a common thing said by MM in affairs. He told her months ago that he has ED and because of his age, its believable. Hes taken it so far as to see a urologist and said it was for this. I've asked him enough questions and I've had full reveal of enough other details. I do believe him but not without great amounts of talking surrounding this. He's been seeing a relationship/sex therapist. The therapist is helping to prep and coach him through the split and her possible reactions (the Dr agrees that his relationship is very far gone now). The therapist offered to see us as a couple to help work through it in the present and in the future, and I've heavily considered seeing a therapist of my own to work through some insecurities and guilt.
Anna-Belle Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 The only thing that works is an exit affair. You may be in luck. Not true. In fact exactly the opposite. An exit affair is a means to end a marriage and the relationship to the other person is not really important other than for that very purpose. The relationship with the OP usually ends within 6 months to 2 years after the marriage ends.
Anna-Belle Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I don't know if any split, especially one of fifteen years, will ever be truly clean. We are five months post Dday and everything has been running smoothly ever since. He told her he loved me, he moved into an apartment, they are now selling off cars and house, dividing marital property. This is after an almost 25 year long marriage. It can be done if the married person stands his ground and doesn't sway. 2
Anna-Belle Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Then comes the incredible I don't want to lose you sex. Nope, none of that. Probably would have felt silly after not having had sex for years. 1
2sure Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Not true. In fact exactly the opposite. An exit affair is a means to end a marriage and the relationship to the other person is not really important other than for that very purpose. The relationship with the OP usually ends within 6 months to 2 years after the marriage ends. OP has been with her AP for a matter of months and he is ready to leave his SO. Since they arent married, don't live together, and have no children...it certainly sounds like meeting OP was the catalyst to ending the relationship completely. There isn't any reason to believe her new relationship will end in 6 months to 2 years. The odds of a MM leaving his wife decrease the longer an affair goes on if the posters on LS are being truthful at all. Wrinkled....some OW here will always be OW, don't let them deter you. Your partners relationship sounds like a comfortable friendship, but certainly not a marriage.
ForeverHopeful1 Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 What is an exit affair? I'm entirely new to these boards besides some perusing during the early months of our affair to glean some insight. Fortunately I believe I've found someone amazing. We work very well together. I've always spoken openly of my thoughts and feelings and so has he. I've not hidden my occasional anxieties and depression due to the strain. I've been able to be open and honest as has he. Without the affair, we've evaluated the hell out of this and fully explored if we would be as right for each other as our biased loving hearts show us to be. I do believe we can work through this. How do you evaluate the hell out of anything or anyone in 5 months? And how exactly do you fully explore anything or anyone in an affair, or within 5 months? It is such a short time when you think about it. I truly hope you think a little harder about this. Good luck tomorrow. 1
Anna-Belle Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 OP has been with her AP for a matter of months and he is ready to leave his SO. Since they arent married, don't live together, and have no children...it certainly sounds like meeting OP was the catalyst to ending the relationship completely. There isn't any reason to believe her new relationship will end in 6 months to 2 years. In which case the OP's relationship is not an exit affair. Just because the MP leaves doesn't make it an exit affair. An exit affair is characterized by being a means to leave a marriage rather than being a true relationship between the MP and the OP which is why I questioned Pierre's statement of the OP's relationship being an exit affair.
SidLyon Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 In which case the OP's relationship is not an exit affair. Just because the MP leaves doesn't make it an exit affair. An exit affair is characterized by being a means to leave a marriage rather than being a true relationship between the MP and the OP which is why I questioned Pierre's statement of the OP's relationship being an exit affair. So how can you tell if it is or isn't an exit affair again? The OP herself describes their affair as a catalyst for him to leave, when he's been wanting to leave for a very long time. This sounds rather like the means to leave a marriage that you specify. Sounds like an exit affair to me, even by your definition Anna-Belle. At least you're not claiming he's split-self, even if you do apparently "know" that for him it's not an exit affair. However today is the day so hopefully the OP will let us know what happens. Despite being a BS I'm never one to stand in the way of true love. It just seems that so often "true love" is not a real part of the equation when it comes to affairs.
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 OP has been with her AP for a matter of months and he is ready to leave his SO. Since they arent married, don't live together, and have no children...it certainly sounds like meeting OP was the catalyst to ending the relationship completely. There isn't any reason to believe her new relationship will end in 6 months to 2 years. The odds of a MM leaving his wife decrease the longer an affair goes on if the posters on LS are being truthful at all. Wrinkled....some OW here will always be OW, don't let them deter you. Your partners relationship sounds like a comfortable friendship, but certainly not a marriage. That last bit is exactly what it is. The love he has for her is familial and not romantic. I have read that the longer the affair lasts the less likely MM is to leave. I put my foot down for myself and walked away from him a while ago. He knows I love him but he knows I love me more. I've never declared an ultimatum or demanded he leave her, and I left him solely on the grounds of saving my own mind and sanity. It was his wake up call. He took a good look at the situation and made his choice. 2
Author wrinkledforhead Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 How do you evaluate the hell out of anything or anyone in 5 months? And how exactly do you fully explore anything or anyone in an affair, or within 5 months? It is such a short time when you think about it. I truly hope you think a little harder about this. Good luck tomorrow. I can understand your point of view. We have an excellent communication style with honesty and full details. Because this isn't a typical affair situation, we've spent massive amounts of time together. We talk and text for hours on end. We've communicated about our relationship, our pasts, our hopes and dreams and fears. We know each other as people.
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