Sallygirl Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone. As some of you know, my ex has tried to initiate contact with me a few times since we stopped seeing each other in June. I've ignored them all, which really as not been easy. A few weeks ago I went to dinner with a mutual co-worker, who as far as I know does NOT know about us. If she does, it's because he told her. A group of people went out for a happy hour a few weeks ago, and she said she was worried about him. He is usually outgoing and really funny, and instead she said he sat there looking sad and not interacting with anyone. To the point where everyone commented on it and wondered why he even went. She said she was so worried about it, that she asked his really good friend who also works with us. His answer was that it was because he was missing a girl he dated earlier in the year. I think it was me, although there is a chance it could be someone else for all I know. It was really hard for me to hear. Fast forward to last Thursday. Same coworker text me that night asking if I wanted to go to lunch with another female co-worker and her. I say sure. On Friday, instead of getting an email from either one of the females I thought I was going with, I instead get an email from his really good friend that I mentioned before. The email is to five people including me and the ex, asking us if we wanted to go to his house for lunch. Keep in mind I've been to lunch with this group maybe twice in 7 years. I don't think any of the group knows about me and the ex, except for possibly the really good friend who invited me (again, the ex would have had to tell him). My friends think it was all (both the female and good friends invites) were set up by my ex. They think he may be slowly trying t work his way back in. I'm trying to stay strong, but seeing him everyday and having these little breadcrumbs aren't making it easy. And how do I know if they are breadcrumbs or mean more? One friend says he would be beating down my door if he misses me. He is not very aggressive when it comes to dating, and he has reached out every week or so for the last month, I've ignored everything, so I think he has tried to initiate something in his own way. Whether it would be breadcrumbs or more serious convo, I have no idea. By the way, he replied to the lunch invite immediate saying he was going. I waited a half an hour and then politely declined.... Edited August 27, 2013 by Sallygirl
melell Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I think you need to stick with what you are doing, and don't buy into any of it. If he wants you back, you will find out sometime sooner or later. honestly, I don't think you would feel good if you gave him the chance to talk to you and the things he had to say weren't what you wanted to hear. Personally, I don't think I would risk it. At the same time, you have managed to get this far, and I am sure you would get through it again. People break NC, regret it, but it doesn't kill them, they keep going and move on. I kinda think it may actually help the healing process, and kill the hope that was left for some people. Weigh the pro's and con's
BigGirlPantiesOn Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Sally, I think you have amazing restraint and are practicing awesome self care by declining. I agree that if he wants you back, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. His reaching out in a passive way now may indicate he wants you back and your being silent will "help" him build his assertiveness to see just how much he wants you. Give him that time to find the determination and in the mean time keep building your self value! 1
Minneloa Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I sympathize with your situation, OP. It must be confusing and crazy-making to have your ex send these "feelers" and breadcrumbs. But I think you need to put the focus back on what *you* want, not what he may or may not be feeling. This is a married man who cheated on you. I urge you to think very carefully about whether reentering a relationship with him would be a wise choice for your emotional health and happiness. M. 1
Author Sallygirl Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Thank you so much everyone for the encouragement and the feedback. I really appreciate the support since I'm really struggling. Hearing he misses me is so hard because I miss him so very much.
barky2 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Hey sally. I'm going to be honest so bare with me Missing you is not the same as let's do it again. Ive been there, I've heard I love you I miss you blah blah. It took a year after all that started for me and my ex to get back together. A lot of people would say keep nc ( which is what I preach). On one hand one day if you guys want to get back together you have to talk to him one day. But on the flip, if you talk to him and meet him, and he says yea I miss you let's be friends and you'll be heartbroken. I want you to really think about this. Don't get all happy because " one day you'll have to talk to him" thast just common sense. I want you to reallllly think, what happens if he doesn't want you back and just wants to be friends? You'd be devastated. Its a good sign you've stuck to nc I commend you for it. Id stay there a little longer and heal some more. If one day the opportunity arises to go out with a group of friends..and he's there....maybe you should? But you'd have to be prepared to be set back to day one. And go thru all of this again if he doesn't want you back. I want you to care for your heart..first and foremost. Stay nc and don't initiate contact. Next time he contacts you..it could be a year..post here and what he says. All of us will help guide you. I hope I could be of some help Barky
Author Sallygirl Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Thank you so much Barky2. What you wrote is such a big help. Because I haven't responded, it's just hard to know his intentions. I'm trying hard to recover, but I fell harder and deeper for this guy than I ever have for anyone else. I declined the lunch because I know I'm not I'm a healthy enough place in my recovery to be able to handle it. Throughout the year you were apart, was there any contact? How did you know when it was finally right to get back together?
dearsuzan Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Hi Sally, I really don't know your story - but is it true that he was a married man who cheated on you? or did I misunderstand that?
barky2 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Hi Sally, I really don't know your story - but is it true that he was a married man who cheated on you? or did I misunderstand that? If that's the case run like hell. Barky
Author Sallygirl Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 He led me to believe he was actively going through a divorce (when I first met up with him I thought he had been divorced for years). In fact, he was only separated, which I found out the week before I ended things. He swears to this day he didn't cheat on me. I guess I'll never know for sure and to be honest he is technically right since we were never exclusive. I just never thought to ask that question because who would think someone who isn't even fully divorced would be dating multiple people. Plus, for the last month we were together, he was at my house three nights a week (spending the night) so I really don't know how he would have fit her in along with time with his three very busy kids. Again, I'll never know for sure, although I do know that he is currently dating her, while apparently still missing me... I ultimately walked away because he and his life are a mess. I almost think he is going through a mid life crisis. Ido think that deep down he is a good man, just behaving badly as he goes through a bad time. I just wish he would never have involved me. Our end goals were not the same. I am looking for someone to marry and have a family with. His life is moving in the opposite direction. It doesn't make the heartache any less or the breadcrumbs (or whatever it is) any harder to resist.
dearsuzan Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Trust me Sally, I completely understand how you feel - believe it or not, it sounds similar to my entire situation (minus the whole being married thing and kids). And you do deserve better. Someone who will love and cherish only you. Maybe this is just a rough phase that he's going through while dealing through a divorce (it really does bring out the worst in a person even if they were the one who decided to leave). But, with that being said - he needs to figure it out on his own. He knows what he missed out on that's why he's missing you but that doesnt change the fact that he cant offer you what he should. You made the right decision by breaking it off and going NC. I just wish he had the decency to keep his distance from you while he sorts his own stuff out.
barky2 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Oh sally dear, Please run away. Trust is broken. You deserve so much more. He lied. Next! Barky
Minneloa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Sally, have you gotten angry about the way this man lied to you, both about the divorce and (despite his denials, it seems likely) the other woman he was dating? At least on the first count, he deliberately deceived you in order to achieve his goal of having a relationship with you. What a jerk! Yes, he is going through a difficult time, but he did not have to drag you into such a mess via deception. I know you are struggling and in pain, but I have found that a little righteous indignation (how dare he!) can be a potent antidote to sadness. Sending good thoughts, M. 1
Author Sallygirl Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks Suzan, means a lot. Barky, in his eyes he didn't lie about the divorce. To him separated means going through the process of divorce. Here we are 2.5 months after we stopped hanging out and I still don't think he's filed. Although I do think the main reason for that is financial. I do believe he lied to me about the other girl. They dated briefly before him and I, and he swears he didn't see her when we were together. I don't believe that. He was with her the night after I ended things, and I know they were at least talking while we were together because she called his phone 6 times in a row one night when we were together. Minneloa, I think this is the part that frustrates my friends so much. The anger phase for me lasted maybe a week. They don't understand it. They want me to stay angry too. And trust me, I wish more than anything that I could. Even I don't understand why I haven't. The fact that he is dating this other girl is what bothers me the most. Do you know what helps me more than anything? The fact that he is a mess financially, together they have 6 kids, and apparantely she drinks so much that her kids complain about it on social media. I know I shouldn't care, but when I am at my lowest I tell myself that he most likely wont end up with her long term, and by the time he finds the one who does, I know I won't care at all because ill be with the one that is meant for me...
dearsuzan Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I know I won't care at all because ill be with the one that is meant for me... Just keep reminding yourself of that. Paying any attention to him or the relationship you two had will only detract you from that.
Minneloa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Sally, I empathize. After my breakup, I stayed in the sadness phase for a long time and had a hard time mustering anger at the way my ex acted prior to the split. But, gradually, I began to feel that his behavior (emotional distancing) was both cowardly and unfair. So now, even though I am sad at the loss of the relationship, I am also angry that he did not communicate directly with me and left me both to interpret his (none too subtle) signals and initiate the breakup discussion. From my outsider perspective, I'd say you have plenty to be angry about. Try it on for size! M.
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