HollyGolightlly Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Long story short- I've been having an A with a MM for a few months, the deepest of love- pages and pages of love letters. She knows about me, but in the end he told me he has to "try" for the kids (3&6) or he'd never forgive himself, I think he's giving it a few months. He says he does not love her and she knows it, she's also much older than I am. Has anyone gone through where their MM is "trying for the kids", is this a known automatic failure? I'm not waiting, but if he comes back around before I move on/find someone else I can't say I'd be upset. I do love him, after all..
Goodbye Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I've heard a lot of "staying for the sake of the kids." Not so much trying for the kids. Is he going to continue to be in contact with you while "trying?" No, I don't think it is an automatic failure if he really tries, and includes honesty in that process.
fanine Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Long story short- I've been having an A with a MM for a few months, the deepest of love- pages and pages of love letters. She knows about me, but in the end he told me he has to "try" for the kids (3&6) or he'd never forgive himself, I think he's giving it a few months. He says he does not love her and she knows it, she's also much older than I am. Has anyone gone through where their MM is "trying for the kids", is this a known automatic failure? I'm not waiting, but if he comes back around before I move on/find someone else I can't say I'd be upset. I do love him, after all.. It's an automatic excuse for sure. Ask many OW, who have been given the same response. A MM also think it puts them in a good light in an OW's eyes. Also he doesn't love her? Heard that. Has he said they sleep separately? That's a good one too....he says he thinks he will give it a few months? That will suddenly become years. Best thing to do? Not even think about it. Get on with your life, don't have contact between each other. He has made it clear. Don't fall into a trap of still seeing him as the months will become years and you will always be second best. It is hard, but better to do it now as he has made his intentions clear. If he comes back one day, proving his divorce. Then maybe. But he needs to sort out his home life. If he leaves it is because the marriage is over, not to come running to you. But also think too if he leaves he will always have the kids in his life, and the ex wife. 4
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I have to say the chances are low he will come back to you. The commitment to his kids is great. My xMM couldn't leave his girls and guess what their ages were: 19, 21 & 23! His words were "They will always be my little girls." It is called the "affair fog." The talk of true love and forever: "My life is with you. I need you. You are my future." When I got tired of his lack of freedom and made him make a choice, it came down to not hurting his girls and his wife. His wife was physically sick with worries of living alone and without him. "It would kill her" as he said. When it came down to it, it was too much. He couldn't handle the guilt and stress of it all. I know he loved me but he also loved his family too. It is easier to stick with what you know. Safer rather. I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm still hurting myself but I know I did the right thing. If he had left for me, he would feel sad and I am not sure our live would be enough. I would want him to move out, divorce and live on his own before I shared a life with him. Knowing him, that will never happen. His wife catered to him and his life is easy. She is the main bread winner and has the power. He was very gentle but I realize now, he is a weak man who is not strong enough to live on his own. If I were you, I would end this relationship as chances are slim it will end well for you. Even if he did become yours, what do you win, a man who is not doing enough to end one relationship before starting another. I have learned affairs are acts of cowardice. I am guilty of cowardice myself as I entered the affair while still married. I will not do that again. Good luck to you. Move on to someone who is available. It is an awesome thing to be free to love someone openly. 5
Author HollyGolightlly Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Thanks for the responses- Actually, he wanted to stop talking to me so he could "try", he said if it doesn't work I will be the first one he runs to, but that he owes it to his 10 year marriage and the kids to at least try, that he can't leave such a long marriage and commitment after only 6 months with me. I agreed and we stopped talking. Like I said, I'm not waiting, but kind of just wanted insight from you guys- I really have no one to talk to about it in my friends circle that would understand. No, he is not getting any of me while he is "trying" with her. Not sure how well their marriage will go knowing she she knows he's been with me... I guess only time will tell, thanks guys- much appreciated.
Author HollyGolightlly Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 I have to say the chances are low he will come back to you. The commitment to his kids is great. My xMM couldn't leave his girls and guess what their ages were: 19, 21 & 23! His words were "They will always be my little girls." It is called the "affair fog." The talk of true love and forever: "My life is with you. I need you. You are my future." When I got tired of his lack of freedom and made him make a choice, it came down to not hurting his girls and his wife. His wife was physically sick with worries of living alone and without him. "It would kill her" as he said. When it came down to it, it was too much. He couldn't handle the guilt and stress of it all. I know he loved me but he also loved his family too. It is easier to stick with what you know. Safer rather. I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm still hurting myself but I know I did the right thing. If he had left for me, he would feel sad and I am not sure our live would be enough. I would want him to move out, divorce and live on his own before I shared a life with him. Knowing him, that will never happen. His wife catered to him and his life is easy. She is the main bread winner and has the power. He was very gentle but I realize now, he is a weak man who is not strong enough to live on his own. If I were you, I would end this relationship as chances are slim it will end well for you. Even if he did become yours, what do you win, a man who is not doing enough to end one relationship before starting another. I have learned affairs are acts of cowardice. I am guilty of cowardice myself as I entered the affair while still married. I will not do that again. Good luck to you. Move on to someone who is available. It is an awesome thing to be free to love someone openly. Wow, thank you for all of that. I probably should of joined this blog from day one. I, myself, was guilt ridden as well and I just tried not to think about her because I was so in love with this man that I was so sure we were meant to be. (Probably foolish, but hey- it happened). I can say that I would never, ever, ever get involved with a married man again after this. Not that I intended on this before, but you know what I mean. I'm sorry you're hurting, it makes you wonder how much they truly loved us... 2
MissBee Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 He may come back for an affair...but chances are slim he will come back and say he's getting a divorce and wants to be with you only.
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Move on with Ur life. If he comes back a free man and Ur available then great but probably won't. I wasted half my 20s on my MM. He was only married two years when we met, no kids, no shared assets or finances. They just celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary. I've been there almost six. He said he felt guilty and he didnt want to devastate her as she wouldn't want any other man but him so then she would end up alone. He also used the guilt excuse when he told me he got her pregnant earlier this year. More bs. But I'm the love of his life according to him. I guess that's what the love of someone's life deserves- alone and hurt. They never leave. I wish I found this forum six years ago. I could've been happy with a SG. Now I'm all kinds of fd up in the head and heart.
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I wish I had read this message board myself before my affair. (I never thought of it as an affair. It was THE relationship that I thought I finally found whose existence I knew in my heart. Wrong!) What I learned was, I was looking for happiness in a man. I have to be happy with myself first. To do this, I have to be true to myself. Am I happy with my husband? Could I be happy with my husband? The answer is difficult but my heart tells me no. I know the road is hard but I know what I have to do. I would take time to learn about yourself. Learn what truly makes you happy. Only do or keep people near you that provide happiness. When something or someone is harmful to you, be strong enough to say No and walk away. Don't settle for seconds. You are very valuable and do not need a man to make you happy. Someday, the happiness you exude from living an open, honest life will attract many decent men worthy of your love. This man will not accept part-time love because he will be in love with a strong woman. 100% of you won't be enough! 2
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Wow, lol... lemme guess, his humility is what she loves the most about him?? Yikes, how can anyone say something like that with a straight face. It does come off egocentric but he's actually not that full of himself. Personally, he's delusional. They both would've been 27 had he left when he kicked her out a few years ago. Sorry plenty of options to meet someone new at that age. But he convinced himself that she would've move on since she loves him as much as I do and always talked herself back with him. *roll eyes*
Mount Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Why the affair will destroy her? It might be unpleasant, or not smooth, does not feel get full attention, but she will be destroyed? This forum has seen countless of posts just like yours. Most of the time the MM stays in the marriage. I suggest, you leave this man and go NC. Otherwise, this will destroy you. BTW, all those other posts also say the same thing about the romance: The best ever, same old story. Nothing different here, please leave this man.
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Can't edit: wouldn't have moved on Why the affair will destroy her? It might be unpleasant, or not smooth, does not feel get full attention, but she will be destroyed? Affairs destroy everyone except the cake eater that doesn't get caught. 1
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Wow, lol... lemme guess, his humility is what she loves the most about him?? Funny, I couldn't help but think of what a narcissist this man is when I read that. You are better off without him. You will come to see, this relationship (affair for him) was all about him. It hurts. I know but remember, you are a kind, loving woman who is not capable of using people like this man. That is why your heart aches. You trusted his words. Pity him as he doesn't know what true love is - respecting each other. He doesn't respect you or his wife. Thankfully, you know what love is about and will find that love. He, however, will stay in a superficial marriage that will never get to that next level. Unless he is a good actor, his wife won't be completely happy either. I feel bad for her too. I feel sorry for the betrayed wives married to jerks like this. I would place bets he will find another woman in a couple of years when he gets bored. 3
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 What is sad is that she would have been able to move on, as hard as it may have been, but now she is stuck with a loser cheater and with his baby. Shame. Honestly, I know I'm not supposed to believe anything the MM since I don't know the Ws side but there is no way she is this clueless. No matter now good of a liar he may be. But all she wanted was a baby and guess what? No one is happy but at least she has the baby she always wanted and that's all the happiness some people need I guess. Meanwhile he's still crying over me trying to go NC. I hope the op learns before it's too late. It's too late for alot of us. :'(
Author HollyGolightlly Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Can't edit: wouldn't have moved on Affairs destroy everyone except the cake eater that doesn't get caught. Oh shiz, I like that...
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I think you may be in denial. He would not have had a baby with her if he didn't love her. A man knows a baby means at least an 18 year commitment as no-one wants to separate with children. Personally, just knowing my MM was having sex with his wife would be enough for me. I don't share that way. I believed my xMM and wife were not having sex. But, who knows! The affair fog is lifting and he may have been all along. I am doubting everything now. All of his words because for how much he said he loved me, he should have moved Heaven and Earth to be with me. Obviously, want the case. So, his words were lies.
Author HollyGolightlly Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 So did we all fall for it? Did we all fall willingly into a deep hole? Thinking we'd be able to walk around it? Did I actually fall for the cliche of the married man who says he will leave his wife for me? Damn... My God, ouch.
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Here is my opinion: I believe there are two types of cheaters. Ones who knowingly do what they do. lie, tell women what they want to hear to keep them in the relationship. Cowards because they do not want to take the hard road and divorce. Cake anyone? The other types do not knowingly hurt on purpose. They may actually be mentally ill (bipolar). Bipolar people may lose sexual restraints and become maniacs when manic. They love large and display such grand demonstrations of love. They are irresistible. But, when medicated properly, they come back to reality and stay with their spouse. Either way, we are duped. It does hurt. Yes, I can say I fell willingly into the deep hole. I was feeling the Love I always dreamt of and was happy. But, when it was clear my xML didn't have the guts to fight for us, it hurt. It hurts real bad.
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Yes, it is quite possible that she IS that clueless. There are affairs that carry on for decades, and it is not so much that people never find out about. But we trust our partners, blindly trust them, and even when the truth is staring them down in the face, sometimes it is hard to see beyond that blind trust. I hope she learns quickly as well, but I feel sorry for everyone involved when she does. Your MM is one of the worst I have read about in a while. He'll probably eventually get over you, and find another one. I do not mean this offensively, Tainted, but a lot of OW think they are special, but I am sure his wife thought that, too, the day she got married. He already knows he is capable of crossing that boundary, and since you've said you want none of it anymore, he'll mourn for a while and then do like everybody else does... move on. I'm the second woman he's been with so yes I am special in that sense. Lol. Big accomplishment right? :/ I'm sure part of it is blind trust but it's also complacency as well. They spend alot of time apart and live almost two separate lives which doesn't make sense to me if two people are married. But I guess every relationship is different. *Shrug* I think you may be in denial. He would not have had a baby with her if he didn't love her. A man knows a baby means at least an 18 year commitment as no-one wants to separate with children. Personally, just knowing my MM was having sex with his wife would be enough for me. I don't share that way. I believed my xMM and wife were not having sex. But, who knows! The affair fog is lifting and he may have been all along. I am doubting everything now. All of his words because for how much he said he loved me, he should have moved Heaven and Earth to be with me. Obviously, want the case. So, his words were lies. When did I say he didnt love her? He clearly loves her alot if he destroyed me for her and gave her a baby he didnt want. And yes someone will argue that he wouldn't have it if he didnt want it. I've talked to his friends and they all didnt get his nonchalant reaction. He hasn't been to a sonogram since January. He hasn't participated in much to do with the baby. At the end of the day, the only way anyone was moving forward was something big like a child otherwise I'm sure I would've been stuck for another X amount of years. So did we all fall for it? Did we all fall willingly into a deep hole? Thinking we'd be able to walk around it? Did I actually fall for the cliche of the married man who says he will leave his wife for me? Damn... My God, ouch. It's very apparent when u read all the threads with common denominators over and over. My MM despises this site. He's so offended that strangers are judging him and our relationship. He didnt like to hear that we weren't special and honestly I got a rude awakening reading LS. The more I read, the further away I started to drift from him.
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I don't get this as well, tbh. I know couples who are like that, and it kind of flies over my head. But I am sure a lot of people must think my SO and I to be co-dependent because we like to spend so much time together. I really think there is something especially abhorrent about this. I could not even like someone like this, much less love them. But I am in baby mode right now, so maybe I am especially sensitive. I think there are couples that work fine and couples that just drift apart and ignore their responsibilities as husband and wife. Life isn't perfect but that doesn't mean u just do Ur thing alone and stick Ur head in the sand like an ostrich. Relationships require work and when u start abandoning Ur duties, stuff like As happen. He's twisted. I feel bad for him and his stubbornness. I feel bad for her. He robbed her pregnancy experience. He said he won't even let her take pix with him holding her belly because he feels bad if I see it. :/ I think ud just need to be human to have Ur reaction. I would be devastated if I was her. He said she feels it too but no one cared. They just went along with it.
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 OMG. I am truly sickened. I could cry for that poor baby. Selfish doesn't even begin to describe him. Don't worry he said he's gonna try and be a good father. :/ whatever! It just goes to show u, no matter what a person says, it doesn't matter. Let their actions speak instead. Unfortunately for us OW, it usually doesn't work out. My first and only A. Never again. I'm a ticking emotional time bomb until he arrives.
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 All about him. Run. He is just saying that to you to impress you. To make you think his allegiance is with you. He probably was doing the opposite with both pregnancies.
Author HollyGolightlly Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Reading all of these posts makes me sick- all of the things you guess that he'd say- he said. I'm breathless, I feel so used. My case was not unique, was it? I was the one in love, obviously. Thank GOD I'm all dressed up about to walk out the door to see my friends- because tonight would have been hard alone. But, my goodness, how did I fall for it? I thought I was smarter than that...I feel like a fool.
TaintedLuv Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Reading all of these posts makes me sick- all of the things you guess that he'd say- he said. I'm breathless, I feel so used. My case was not unique, was it? I was the one in love, obviously. Thank GOD I'm all dressed up about to walk out the door to see my friends- because tonight would have been hard alone. But, my goodness, how did I fall for it? I thought I was smarter than that...I feel like a fool. It happens to the best of us. I'm sure my MM loves me. It's just easier to stay nice and comfy in his life and never make a change. I'm sorry I'm paying the ultimate price and will probably end up alone.
happy stillmore Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 (edited) Please don't feel used. Easy to say I know. I am an educated woman and I fell hard. I thought my situation was special too. I was shocked when I read others' posts and was struck by the similarities. In fact, knowing people were experiencing what I am going through has provided me with a lot of comfort. I wish there could be a way we could sit around a bar, like five of us, and talk this out because I'm sure we would cry and laugh at it all. It is helpful to know there are others who walked down the road ahead of you. I have come a long way in the eight weeks or so on this board. I even took a little hiatus for several weeks. You were looking for happiness. That is all. You were following your heart. Sometimes your heart and head don't communicate and that leads to problems. Your gut should have told you to stop when you saw the wedding ring but emotions come into play and you get connected to him. Then, you fall for someone who becomes the only close friend in your life. He understands you, loves you. You let go maybe for the first time in your life (my experience). This is when you become blind to the markers telling you this isn't right for you. He can't call you, can't see you freely, can't text, etc. You put up with it all because you love him. You may think there are no other options. No one like him. He is the one. Soulmates whose paths intersected, unfortunately after one or both of you married. What you lose sight of is that there are other men out there. Men free to love you. No ties to anyone. Everything can be a first for you two together. With this man, your wedding would be a second, babies - he's done that, did that, his ex-wife & children would always be there. For me, his wife and children were scary. Anger issues - Gee, I don't know why. Hmm, could it because of me? I broke the family up. Please look at this experience as a lesson. Now you know what you do not want. Remember how you felt like second place when he could not talk to you. Doesn't make you feel good, does it? You do want a man who would accept a life where he can not be with you every day. You want a man you can trust. Could you trust this man knowing he cheated on his wife with you? He could do the same to you. Life is a bunch of lessons. You are wiser now than three months ago. You will learn you are stronger than you know. You will learn you do not depend on anyone for happiness. When you are happy on your own, life will be even better when the right man comes along. Be strong, girlfriend. You are not alone. Edited August 27, 2013 by happy stillmore 6
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