She's split but was it because she has someone else?

[fuzzy]

I had been with my ex for over 2 years and we split up recently. She works abroad a lot and the last time that she came home she told me within 4hrs that she had made the decision that she wanted to split up. I did not see this coming, especially because I was due to start a new job two days later. She said that she was no longer in love with me but she loves me like her best friend…same old bulls*** that I have read in many other messages, funny but when they say that they want to be friends it does mean something.

 

I asked her if there was any chance of getting back together and she said that there is not. With this I decided to do what many other men would do…quit my new job and fled the country and go to stay the ever-loving parents, which is a very daunting prospect as I had not lived with them for eight years!

 

Now I planned to spend the rest of my life with this woman, I gave her everything I had over the two years and she just cut me off. I sort of regret just leaving the country without a fight but I saw it in her face that she meant that there was no chance of getting back together.

 

It was only when my feet touched English soil the changes in her behaviour led me to make sense of the situation. I look back at the last five weeks or so and I am so sure she was/is seeing someone else. I questioned her at the time and she denies it all and says that I am reading too much into it, but I am so sure! Is this a normal reaction to think like this when someone tells you that they not longer want you as their lover and a relationship ends so abruptly?

 

She is eleven years older than me and I know that she wants children and that her body clock is ticking and I can appreciate that, but we were planning to have them together and I definitely think that I do no deserve to be treated like this.

 

I think I know what everyone is going to say but I would just like to know the truth before I can move on. I don’t know how I would take it but I think I deserve to know.

 

I also don’t want to shut her out of my life as she does mean too much to me. However, I have erased all of her numbers from my phonebook and I don’t plan to call her until I am ready because when we speak I will just bring up my feelings and she does not want to hear them…apparently this is difficult for her too. Should I just call it a day and move on?

 

I have never been in a relationship that has ended with a feeble reason and especially with no second chances etc. I thought that the relationship was strong and that we got on really well.

 

I would really like to go over and question her face-to-face as I feel that this would be the only way that I would find out the truth. Is this wise?

[ion]

It sounds like the relationship ended for her before the real 'end-date' when you broke up.

 

In that sense, emotionally she had made distance for herself from you and probably like your intitution revealed to you in hindsight, she had some seeds planted for a new relationship with someone else.

 

Would she admit to 'emotional cheating'? That's a question which is murky at best, especially if there was no *physical* cheating.

 

For example, your ex-girlfriend would have to admit to being the 'bad person' in the relationship and if she's in a new relationship, who would want to do that. For her, the relationship wasn't working out and she moved on...does it make your feelings 'less' real? No.

 

It's understandable about wanting answers for your closure. My suggestion would be to vocalize your questions in the context of helping you to move on. Don't make it a confrontation on your feelings which are still raw from what it sounds like. You might even want to write five questions which you would like to hear the truth from her, no hiding around the bushes kind of answers either. Like "Did you have feelings or think you might date {mr.x} before we broke up?" As you can see, having to be honest in answering that question, would be difficult for most people. Also, I would suggest you not contact her via telephone or personal contact and let this take place via email.

 

If you were together for that period of time and she would not want to help you get closure, it's probably a good idea you're not together. Just keep in mind, if there was a digression of the heart or physical cheating, for those things you might never get a clear answer since she might be lying to you or lying to herself.

 

Good luck!

[fuzzy]

Ion,

 

Thank you for your response and your valid points you have bought up.

 

You are correct becuase she told me that she had been thinking about splitting up for a while. I knew that she was stressed out about the situation but not to the degree where we would separate and especially in such a final way.

 

It also feels like she has totally detached herself from me already by saying that it will get better with time etc. so in this respect you are right again, she has already started to move on.

 

I have tried everything to get a response from her to discover whether she was/is seeing someone but each and every time she says that there is nobody on the scene and nobody she even likes. I sometimes think that I am looking for something that is not there. Once again I always come back to the line of thought that she is seeing someone and that is the only way I can make sense of the whole situation. Is this a normal way to think?

 

She told me that if she was seeing someone then she would have told me. But then I think that she might be affraid to tell me just in case it is someone who is married or that I might tell friends and family. The one person I imagine it to be works with her and as far as I know he is married with kids so maybe she is worried that I would tell people at her work or something. It is so difficult because I really don't want to fall out with her, nor do I want this to affect her memories of me but I just feel that I need to know for my own sake. She probably is telling me the truth but she had been acting so oddly, not only with me but with many other things. For example, she recieved a text message from this guy I suspect in the morning that we split up saying R U Ok. I'm worried about you. I saw it before her and she was shocked and tried to backtrack saying that she did not know why he had sent it etc. nor do I. There were many other different things too. It's a horrible thing when you no longer trust someone even if the relationship is over.

 

I just don't know what my next step should be. I would like to turn around and say that I think that we should no longer contact each other but I would like to keep her if only to find out how her family are etc. I don't think I would find it so hard if I did not suspect her.

 

This is the most difficult thing I have had to go through and in that respect I am very lucky!

[ion]

In the end, what is difficult to accept for most of us, is that the other person made a choice.

 

They made a *choice* to not be with us anymore. Regardless of the reasons or the events that follow that decision, it is the course the river runs.

 

It is hard to realize and accept this. There is pain and conflict because assumptions and expectations that turned out to be different from what was agreed upon during the relationship. All of those discussions, what will we do? All of those bandaids on arguements, ok I'll meet you half way here and you there. All of that is over and it is moment to divest from those commitments.

 

However, it is important to give yourself, three things: time, energy and distance from what you had in the past.

 

This is not really letting her go, rather getting a hold of yourself.

 

My recommendation is to have no contact with her for period of time, perhaps something of an interval like six months. If you feel close to her family continue to contact them, but do not discuss her in any way. If it's a comfortable relationship between you and her family that is independent of her, there will be things to talk about.

 

The reality unfortunately is she is taking care of herself and can not take care of you. Therefore you need to take care of yourself.

[fuzzy]

You are absolutely correct!

 

To be honest I have been told this before by a friend and I did not want to accept it. When he told me I thought that it was a bit blunt and insensitive. However, she did *choose* to end it and quite frankly, it is none of my business anymore!

 

I was really looking for someone to tell me to do everything I could to find out if she'd been seeing someone else, even though I knew that it was not the correct thing to do. I have to hold my head up high and keep telling myself that it is over. If she was cheating I think that one day it will happen to her and she will be on the receiving end, although obviously I hope she is not.

 

I feel so much better about the situation now and I think I have to hold my head up high and let her know that I am not going to suffer anymore. One day I hope that she turns around and sees that she has made a mistake but I know that by then it will be too late...who knows?

 

Although it has only been a week or so, I am excited to be single again even though I am a little affraid of starting new. Tomorrow I will probably wake up and feel different again but I think I will just log on and read what you have written and think about the people who are in a worse situation than myself.

 

Thank a lot!

[moon]

Fuzzy,

 

I can tell you that the same thing happened to me recently. I moved to another city to be with my boyfriend and with in two days he had broken up with me. We did have some fights, but it also was painfully obvious that his next door neighbor was MORE THAN WILLING to take my place if things fell through with us. She was hovering around and driving me nuts. She had only moved in a month or so before and traveled a lot for her job, so I am not sure a physical affair started before I arrived, but an emotional one was in full force.

 

My boyfriend and I had gone on and off for years. He'd never just thrown in the towel so quickly. But all of a sudden he was saying things like "this is just not going to work!" and "we can't go out anymore" or he would just say, "we need some space." So I moved to another apartment after like five days. We had a few more arguments and then he totally dumped me. He said he never wanted to see me again. He was so firm and so serious....I had never seen him like that. He didn't waffle at all. This I realized later was a clear sign that his affair with ms. nosy next door neighbor had started. And I was right!!! A week later I was told by a friend that he'd hooked up with the girl.

 

What did I do. I got the hell out of there too. I went back home and haven't talked to him since. It was great closure. I think if you can find out if she is in fact with somebody else then it will make you feel better. But don't go all crazy about it. Remember you are broken up and nothing will change that. Would you really trust this girl again if she did come calling for you....if she'd broken up with you for somebody else? The answer is NO. You couldn't trust her. Trust is huge. I could never trust my ex again....no matter if he did come crawling back.

 

Good luck.