18yrs 4 kids and destroyed

[chevy383]

Hi all just after some advice regarding my dilemma, heres my story...

Been with my fiancee for 18 yrs+, have four beautiful kids, nice house, cars, the lot. Always provide for whatever she wants and worship the ground she and the kids walk on. We planned to get married after the first year but along came our first son so cancelled our plans and moved into my house that needed renovating, even though money was tight we were so happy and both worked, me full time and her doing weekend shift work.

 

After another 3 years we decide to move to a small local village as we were thinkg about schools etc. Made money on the first house and bought another to do up.Got that place nice then 3 years later our daughter came along, again ecstatic. We always thought we would marry in the future as something more important comes along like holidays etc, we were both still working, me shifts and her part time shifts then i got a better jobs and she could become a

full time mum, ace. We fancied a change as a friend had recently emmigrated so got our visas for Oz and went out there to validate them and check it out.

 

We came back unsure as to which part to move to so was taking our time, then another house in our village came up for sale and we saw another opportunity to make some more money to fund our dream. Sold the current place and made a lot of money, then planned to plough it back into the new place as required extensions etc. I got promoted in work so more money again. Spent 2 yrs arguing with the counicl over planning then her dad died out of the blue and it was a massive shock. Then she fell pregnant again unplanned but we were chuffed to bits. She miscarried at 18wks and we were both devastated, we had never experienced this before but eventually got through it and carried on with the renovations.

 

She had to get pregnant again which i understanded and agreed then a year later alonmg came son number 2, brilliant. 9 weeks later i get a call in work and she is pregent again which was unplanned. After the initial shock i came round to the idea but she was really unsure, it came to the point she wasn't listening to me and had booked in for termination, thankfully her friend changed her mind and then nine months later son 3 came along, brilliant.

She was now talking being sterilized but i offered so she booked me in and i had a vasectomy. Life i thought was great, four gorgeous kids nice home and still worshiped her. Oz had now taken a back seat.

 

She now had built a circle of friends and started going out with the other mums from the school which i encouraged as she was stuck in all week with the kids, her friends even used to comment how good i was. We only really had one problem and that would be when we went out together as a couple, this time for me was our time and i wanted to spend it with her but she would always find a friend in the pub to talk to and leaveme on my own or without her sometimes could be for up to an hour, this used to wind me up, i would tell her she was out with me but her response would be i cant help it if im popular!

 

She now started doing charity stuff which i supported her and was immensely proud but alway thought that she

kept a lot of it private. Then over the last two years we had another couple of rows, both at christmas, one night we we were at a do and she left didnt speak to me for nearly two hours so i walked home, explained again the next day we were out as a couple with friends but she never saw it that way. Now last christmas we went out with friends and had a mega night but then a couple of her friends joined us and i overheard one of them say about her giving one of the young barman a BJ round the back of the pub, then said to me sorry you werent meant to hear that, i thought keep it to yourself as must have been a misunderstanding.

 

Then we went out again one ight to watch a band with another couple, we let the women go right to the front as they were having a good time but the crowd got rowdy so my mate suggested we go get them out of the way which we did and yes she was angry with me. We returned to the bar and she kept her distance with our friends in between us, then some guys asks her to dance and i wait for her response, it seemed like minutes and there wasnt one so i told him to do one as she was with me, which pissed her off even more. We got home that night and had the worst row ever, thats it shes decided to move out, over the next few days of her moaning about me when we ever went

out and i me returning the same answer that she should be with me i dropped the BJ comment on her, she went ballistic and denied it i never actually believed it anyway but has said is that the sort of **** im meant to listen to about her, she then rang all our friends to see if they had heard it and obviously they hadnt.

 

Then the girl came round one night whio said it and insisted she had said it about another friend so i was wrong, i knew what i heard but i said everybody makes mistakes and i may have been wrong to try and keep the peace, they managed to diffuse the situation and we got through it or so i thought, she did seem more distant with me after this.

Now three months ago im leaving early for work one morning and needed to set her phone alarm, found her phone, touchscreen one and her last text to her friend who was actually a family friend said how she had been texting him but hes gone all cold, now the alarm bells are ringing, i look though a few more but you could tell a lot had been deleted, but her friend kept calling her Mrs R, bloody missus Robinson!.

 

I thought keep it to myself and see what happens. Then the thursday night she had a charity evening, she never took me only her friends but i never complained as it was her thing, she was going with this friend. I had arranged to drive but had fallen sick, i took and picked them up anyway but was dog rough, took the next day off work, then the saturday i had to get out of bed as was busy.I had to nip to the shops and found a receipt for a mobile phone top up whic was strange as we have contract phones, i asked her and she looked dodgy but blamed her friend had left it in there. She left me with the kids that afternoon knowing i wasnt well to supposedly go shopping with another friend, later on that afternoon she came back through the door and i will never forget what she looked like, her hair was messed up and she was flushed.

 

I thought soemthing is definately going on and needed to check her phone again. Managed to chaeck i on the sunday and my world fell apart, she text the so called family friend how she was hot and aching in places she never knew existed and was looking forward to some hotel the following wednesday, then signed it your naughty friend. I kept my composure, got ther kids to bed then asked her for her phone as i wanted to show her something on it, she gave it to me then i pullled the texts up. After loads of denial she hit me with she doesnt want to be with me anymore, i hit the roof told her to get out and then hit the bottle. She was in a mess so i let her kip ont hthe couch, bloody hell how i wish i had chucked her out know!

 

That evening we shouted some more and i told her i had even planned to ask her to marry me this year which i had and she seemed more gutted. Later on she came into the room i was in and said yes we could get married but i said we would talk in the morning when the kids were in school. We talked the next day and she blamed herself and couldn't believe what she had done but insisted she hadnt slept with the guy. She didn't know the night before i had checked our bedroom and found evidence of her having another phone, she told me she had binned it on the Saturday.

 

She told me this guys had pressed her into giving him her number at the end of one evening which i dismissed as bollocks as she didnt have to give it him, anyway lots of texts ensued and then she met him in a local city park the Saturday afternoon and only kissed and cuddled, i didnt believe it. She said she had binned the phone the Saturday morning as was nt going to meet him but then went through with it. I kept her phone and started texting this guy as i found all i needed to know from her phone records, i managed to get hime to answer me. I played on the wednesday hotel thing and he said he could as he had to but a new drill and work boots, then said i would meet him at his place as i was gonna kill him anyway but he replied you know what its like here babe everyones so knowsey, so she had bagged herself some scrote living in a bedsit.

 

I hit her with this info and she phoned him on our home phone and told him it was me, he started texting me back and eventually said i needed to get rid of her as she was only interested in young men! that day more talking ensued and she started telling me how moody and sharp i had been since i got promoted which she was right about but i still hadnt deserved this ****. I told her never to let the so called family friend in our house again as she could have stopped all this ****, i wouldnt mind but her husband assaulst her and she never does this ****. Anyway we continue to talk m0re and then drinks flow more tears and were in bed for probably the best sex ever (god i should have thrown her out) and this continued over the next week and we started planning the wedding, i thought we could get over it.

 

The following week i mentioned the wedding and she was cold, i had now booked it and she said maybe next year, this gutted me and started making me think i was possibly a mug. We decided to book a weekend away as we had only done this once before without kids and thought we needed it. Weeks passed leading up to our weekend of her being hot and cold, wild sex then acting strange. Our weekend away started and i thought we would be all over each other, she didnt want to, then we had a blazing row after being out one night and she said the affair was nothing and things had been going wrong for the last 18 years, i replied what after four kids now youve changed your mind? next norning shes on me again, more sex followed by brilliant day at the beach then shes cold again. We get home and have our family vacation the following week with the kids, the week before no sex, nothing, just cold.

 

I was still checking the phone records at this time and couldn't believe the amount of texts to her horrible friend, she was well keeping her up to speed. We have the family holiday and all she wants to do is get pissed and go off with our eldest son. On the way home formt he holiday i told her we would sell the house when we got back and split it 50/50 and i would move on as that is what she wants and she agreed but then asked questions like but we will still go away together wont we etc, i said no. Now were back and she wants the lot, wants me to move out, has told me the spark died twon years ago and don't worry i wont touch your pensions!

 

I honestly believe she is having a mid life crisis and is being fed bull**** opionions from her so called friends especially the so called family friend piece of s**t. She thinks the affair doesnt even matter and that i have been checking up on her for years and has told her friends this also so they think im some bloody stalker. I have only checked the phone bill since discovering this but seems to think its freaky that i have

been looking.

 

I have suggested counseling but shes having none of it

 

Please Please help me!

Sorry its so long but even now i have left loads out,

Regards

Chevy383:mad:

Edited August 31, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RavenWolf]

First, I want to say I'm so very sorry you are going through this. It is incredibly painful and I am truly sorry you are having to deal with this.

 

The only advice I have for you is to do what you feel is right. I "knew" I should have walked away from my marriage after my husband's first affair, but I didn't. Now 12 years later I want out and am currently stuck.

 

I personally did the whole counseling, do everything to see if we can work it our route. I didn't want any regrets thinking I coulda shoulda done more to reconcile. I did all I could.

 

Again, I am really sorry for all you are going through.

[chevy383]

Hi Ravenwolf,

 

thanks for your reply. I suggested counselling after our fallout last christmas but she point blankly refused to sit in a room with a stranger is how she put it. Now i have said to her to try it for the sake of our kids as we could both go and find out what was wrong, i actually thought she was going to say yes and the said no we still need to split.

 

The thing i dont understand is how cold,callous, selfish she has turned out to be and i think has told all of her friends some cock and bull story and now they are telling her to get rid. Even her friends, according to her dont consider she has done anything wrong.

 

One thing i forgot to mention in my post was when we got back ooff our family hols i checked the phone bill and found his number again and confronted her, her reply was i only did that to confirm your still checking up on me! She doesnt comprehend what i am going through and thinks i am unjustified checking.

 

God help me!

 

Thanks

 

Oh one other thing when originally checking the bills i discovered picture messages she took of herself in sexy poses and sent them to that piece of s**t

[ChooseTruth]

Arg, awful pain to go through...but it sounds like the typical unremorseful cheating woman story. She's not doing anything buy lying, minimizing, blame shifting, etc. You can't work things out with a woman like that. All that will happen is more drama and more damage constantly. I've been there. It was hell. It's better to just walk away... She has no respect for you and is playing you for a fool. My recommendation is to end it, grieve, get mediation to figure out a schedule with the kids. YOu need to get away from this woman ASAP. The hormone thing conflicting with what your brain knows is right will dive you insane. You can try to stick it out for the kids, but a torturous untrusting relationship full of paranoia is all you can have after this much trickle truth, lies, and lack of remorse. It can destroy your lives much worse than a split would. If you stay with such a person, you find yourself doing things you would have never thought you would (like all the stalking you mentioned...or worse)

[RavenWolf]

Hi Ravenwolf,

 

thanks for your reply. I suggested counselling after our fallout last christmas but she point blankly refused to sit in a room with a stranger is how she put it. Now i have said to her to try it for the sake of our kids as we could both go and find out what was wrong, i actually thought she was going to say yes and the said no we still need to split.

 

The thing i dont understand is how cold,callous, selfish she has turned out to be and i think has told all of her friends some cock and bull story and now they are telling her to get rid. Even her friends, according to her dont consider she has done anything wrong.

 

One thing i forgot to mention in my post was when we got back ooff our family hols i checked the phone bill and found his number again and confronted her, her reply was i only did that to confirm your still checking up on me! She doesnt comprehend what i am going through and thinks i am unjustified checking.

 

God help me!

 

Thanks

 

Oh one other thing when originally checking the bills i discovered picture messages she took of herself in sexy poses and sent them to that piece of s**t

 

With this extra bit of info I say walk. Let it go. Heal yourself and find someone when you are ready who can truly appreciate you as a person. I am working on healing myself with counseling just for me, to build my self esteem back up. It's such a blow to go through this.

 

In all honesty what she tells her friends and what they think means nothing. You and her ultimately know the truth. If she had an issue with your behavior or felt you were controlling or whatever her "excuses" are, the grown up thing would have been to discuss it with you or leave you. Not cheat and then excuse her behavior by whatever means she feels she can.

 

Please keep us updated and I hope you find peace in this. It will take time...in some cases a lot of time.

[chevy383]

Hi Choosetruth,

 

after all of the work we have done on our houses i am not prepared to let her get the lot, all my equity and i'll still have to pay the mortgage so will be stuck in limbo while she lords it up. She needs to go and i had my chance and blew it as i still love her. Im thinking of tellling everybody now before she carries on poisoning peoples minds against me, let them know that she thinks its ok to bring this s**t into our house and kids lives, what a tramp!

 

cheers

 

chevy

[chevy383]

Well folks,

we managed to talk tonight a bit more and she says she hasnt been in love with me for two years or so and never wnated to hurt my feelings, and again that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. I said she should have flagged this up straight away but said she couldnt talk to me which she has never been able to do concerning emotions. She also knows i am still in love with her which i am.

I cant believe this is happening and cannot accept it.

She cant give a decent enough reason, only blames the way ive been the last three years which i said she should of talked to me about. She still thinks she doent need to talk to somebody impartial i.e. councillor etc, she has made her mind up ages ago i think without telling me.

I hate sounding wimpy but still cannot accept this, we have built so much together?

[aliveagain]

Friend, as long as she is in contact with the Other Man you might as well be talking to a stone wall. Talk to a lawyer, cut off her money, cancel her on your charge cards, don't finance her affair, let her see what life without you is like. Expose her to people that have influence over her. If the POS other man is in a relationship, expose him, affairs thrive in secrecy. Read up on the 180 and start living it. Take the focus off her and put it on yourself and your children, do things for yourself, go out with friends, join a gym. Stop looking needy, women do not find that attractive. Tell her she is free to date who ever she wants, just not as your girlfriend. Really, she will do to you what you allow her to do. She cheated, ask her to leave, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. Stop any conversations with her unless they have to do with the children or finances. She has already left the relationship, protect your children and yourself. You can't nice someone into staying with you and you can't make someone love you. The stronger you look(pulling away from her) the more desirable you become.

[chevy383]

Hi All,

 

thanks for your messages.

 

One thing is certain and that she is not seeing this guy he is out of the picture. I have started counselling as when i confided in a work collegue he confessed hed been through the same thing with his missus and the guy saved him a lot of pain and gave him a lot of healing so i thought it would be worth a try. i saw him for a second time tonight and after completely telling him my story he picked up on a couple of things that my partner had said to me in our discussions i have listed one of them being my lack of empathy when she initially showed signs of reconcilliation, and the way i have tried to force her to answer my questions, i am seriously listening to this guy.

 

Anyway im still seeing my lawyer in the morning to advise where i stand but have another session with this guy again, i think he is actually telling me some home truths but regardless i will always maintain i didnt deserve this

 

Will keep you updated

 

Thanks

 

Chevy

[ChooseTruth]

Well folks,

we managed to talk tonight a bit more and she says she hasnt been in love with me for two years or so and never wnated to hurt my feelings, and again that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. I said she should have flagged this up straight away but said she couldnt talk to me which she has never been able to do concerning emotions. She also knows i am still in love with her which i am.

I cant believe this is happening and cannot accept it.

She cant give a decent enough reason, only blames the way ive been the last three years which i said she should of talked to me about. She still thinks she doent need to talk to somebody impartial i.e. councillor etc, she has made her mind up ages ago i think without telling me.

I hate sounding wimpy but still cannot accept this, we have built so much together?

She has to be willing to try and work with you to rebuild that love...or all is lost. This is so common with women =\ At least she's being honest about her feelings. I think many never have that courage to say even that much. The fact is she didn't spare your feelings, she did something even more devastating. You aren't wimpy for wanting to work it out and forgive; I think it takes integrity and guts. The word I would use is "inexperienced" You haven't dealt with betrayal like this...and I guess you have to experience what an unremorseful cheating woman is like to really understand. So do what you must to save the relationship, I had to do that as well or I may have always wondered "what if?" but the truth is many of the things you try will probably just make things worse. The best real hope is to let go, grieve, move on. Maybe by some miracle (depending on your POV) she will have a massive change of heart, but I wouldn't count on it.

 

I'm sorry for all the pain that is to come. Divorce sucks...its hell...unfortunately you'll have to come out of your denial phase that this isn't really going to happen and enter your anger phase. Anger will drive you to action and to protect yourself. When it comes, put it to use the right way...protecting your assets and your right to be a great father. The grief will be horrible as well. Try to remember your children through all of this. They need you. Eventually you'll come to the other side. Things are improving for me mentally, I'm definitely in a much better place than I was a year ago. It will get better, much better. Keep thinking toward that time when your peace of mind will be restored. Also get some individual therapy, it helps.

[Bryanp]

I would strongly suggest that you:

1. Get tested for STD's.

2. Have your children tested for paternity.

3. See a lawyer to understand your options.

 

I doubt this was her first affair.

[2sunny]

Hi Ravenwolf,

 

thanks for your reply. I suggested counselling after our fallout last christmas but she point blankly refused to sit in a room with a stranger is how she put it. Now i have said to her to try it for the sake of our kids as we could both go and find out what was wrong, i actually thought she was going to say yes and the said no we still need to split.

 

The thing i dont understand is how cold,callous, selfish she has turned out to be and i think has told all of her friends some cock and bull story and now they are telling her to get rid. Even her friends, according to her dont consider she has done anything wrong.

 

One thing i forgot to mention in my post was when we got back ooff our family hols i checked the phone bill and found his number again and confronted her, her reply was i only did that to confirm your still checking up on me! She doesnt comprehend what i am going through and thinks i am unjustified checking.

 

God help me!

 

Thanks

 

Oh one other thing when originally checking the bills i discovered picture messages she took of herself in sexy poses and sent them to that piece of s**t

 

Ya, sorry for your pain.

 

Get rid of the skank ASAP.

 

She's using you and putting your health at risk!

 

Throw her out NOW!

 

She's disgusting!!!!!

[BetrayedH]

Let us know how the attorney goes. It's time to take the gloves off; you can't nice them back.

 

Oh, and read up on the '180.' You need to be doing it.

Edited August 29, 2013 by BetrayedH

[chevy383]

Hi All,

well the lawyer basically said she cant get anything she is hoping for. I only need to provide for the kids, which of course i would but even better they stay with me. Basically cos were not married and she is choosing to walk from a supported relationship she will get zilch personal money for herself, she wont even get the cars as all in my name. The best she could hope for is we sell the house and go 50/50 on our equity which i suggested but through back in my face, so **** it worst comes to worst i willl buy her out which will **** up her social benefits. i can buy her out of the property as long as she agrees but this will **** up her dreams of a benefit paid life, ha ha is all i can say but still not enjoying this ****.

 

Saw my councillor again today and fair do's he is helping me, i tried using his recommendation in our conversation tonight but she only talks about her plans so lets see how this pans out, will keep you updated

 

as always

 

best

 

chevy383

[aliveagain]

In her rainbow covered world you'll be watching the kids while she's out on a date than she'll be rushing home in the morning to tell you all about it. Be frank with her, you won't be friends, your new girlfriend won't like it. You can be great parents with proper schedules as to who has the children and on what day, but no, you can't be friends, end that fantasy for her quickly. When the reality of her finances sinks in she may want to reconsider her position, what will you do than? Staying together because of finances is the same as settling, accept nothing less than reason's of love.

[chevy383]

In her rainbow covered world you'll be watching the kids while she's out on a date than she'll be rushing home in the morning to tell you all about it. Be frank with her, you won't be friends, your new girlfriend won't like it. You can be great parents with proper schedules as to who has the children and on what day, but no, you can't be friends, end that fantasy for her quickly. When the reality of her finances sinks in she may want to reconsider her position, what will you do than? Staying together because of finances is the same as settling, accept nothing less than reason's of love.

Well my crazy situation has got even crazier.she is going to sign The house over to me andwants me to buy another in our villiage and she will rent it from me. We will get solicitors draft to say i owe her equity which is fine but why does she want me as her landlord?she wont let go of me but wants to live apart? One thing i feel is a breakthrough is she has agreed to see a councillor which i only hope can sort her muddled head out. God i know in weak all i want to do is throw my arm around her and have a cuddle even after all has happened but i still love her! Your thoughts please?

[Try]

she is going to sign The house over to me andwants me to buy another in our villiage and she will rent it from me. We will get solicitors draft to say i owe her equity which is fine but why does she want me as her landlord?

Here is one possible reason that she wants you to be her landlord. Since the new home will help her get custody of the children, she will not pay the rent, knowing that you would not be able to evict your own children from their home. That may not be it exactly, but it is something like that. Do not rent to her. You need to financially protect yourself from her.

[aliveagain]

Don't make any decisions about the rental until you talk to a lawyer. Find out about potential tax consequences. I think binding yourself to her will hold you back, if you break than break and move on. You can't be friends with the person your still in love with specially when she starts dating, it will kill you. How would you feel as her landlord knowing she is bringing men into the home you own, bad idea. No contact with her other than when it's about your children.

[chevy383]

I know what you are saying but. At leasr if i go along with this at the moment i will get her off the motgage and get my house

[2sunny]

IF she wants a house - tell her to pay for it herself!

 

I'd say NO to everything she asks for. She's using you - but it can't continue if you don't allow it.

 

Watch out for YOU - and your kids.

 

She's acting like a tramp - let someone else fund her wants and desires. Since she said it was over a few years ago - why did she stay - and have you pay her way without telling you THEN that her "feelings" ended?

 

She can only use you NOW if you ALLOW it - don't allow it!

[chevy383]

Yep i know your correct she is treating me like a doormat. Came home tonight and had to listen to her bragging about what benefits she is going to get, bloody hell it makes me want to pack my job in!

Anyway im gonna stick with the plan and remortgage to fund this other house as we have agreed and then she will come off our joint mortgage, as soon as that happens i will boot her firmly out of our house and good riddance, ive had enough now of her twisted mentality. Im hurting for our kids now as she is that selfish she hasnt even thought about them in her twisted plans

[2sunny]

Yep i know your correct she is treating me like a doormat. Came home tonight and had to listen to her bragging about what benefits she is going to get, bloody hell it makes me want to pack my job in!

Anyway im gonna stick with the plan and remortgage to fund this other house as we have agreed and then she will come off our joint mortgage, as soon as that happens i will boot her firmly out of our house and good riddance, ive had enough now of her twisted mentality. Im hurting for our kids now as she is that selfish she hasnt even thought about them in her twisted plans

 

No one can treat you as their doormat unless you ALLOW it - stop allowing it.

[BetrayedH]

I know what you are saying but. At leasr if i go along with this at the moment i will get her off the motgage and get my house

 

See a lawyer about this before you do a damn thing. Worst case, she may end up with 50% rights to both properties and pay no rent.

[2sunny]

Yep i know your correct she is treating me like a doormat. Came home tonight and had to listen to her bragging about what benefits she is going to get, bloody hell it makes me want to pack my job in!

Anyway im gonna stick with the plan and remortgage to fund this other house as we have agreed and then she will come off our joint mortgage, as soon as that happens i will boot her firmly out of our house and good riddance, ive had enough now of her twisted mentality. Im hurting for our kids now as she is that selfish she hasnt even thought about them in her twisted plans

 

You will need to also get her off the title of one house - and get you off the title to the other home - in order to separate your obligation and have her separate from you.

 

A separate mortgage is one thing - but the title needs adjusting too.

[BetrayedH]

In most cases, all assets are marital until AFTER you are legally separated, regardless of whose name is or isn't on the asset or the debt associated with it. If you aren't legally separated, it may not matter a hill of beans that you (or she) took her name off of anything.