Husband Looking at Casual Counters

[RavenWolf]

on craigslist!

 

Okay, I found a LOT of links from casual counters on his phone, and they were listed in his "most visited." He also went to there on my laptop.

 

I confronted him about it and was told "I didn't do it." I asked how it go there if he didn't do it and no one else uses/accesses his phone. He responded that he didn't know, he just didn't go there.

 

Then he told me that someone must have "hacked my phone and put it on there." He then snatched his phone and deleted all of the history.

 

So you may be wondering why I snooped his phone. Well, because I do occasionally. My husband has had affairs on me in the past. We have reconciled and done counseling.

 

We went to counseling again and he was asked if he looked at those postings. He said no and the counselor said "Great! He said he didn't do it, let's move on to the next issue."

 

What in the world??? So then I asked the counselor if it's okay that he looks up people to meet for sex can I do the same thing and he said that would be cheating. But because I can't "prove" that my husband contacted or met any of those women I can't assume his intention was to meet any of them. Yet if I were to look with no intention of meeting, it would be cheating? What is up with the double standard?

 

So here is my main question:

If a man with a history of cheating is looking at sex meeting ads online, is the intent not obvious?

 

No of course because I said it's over and I no longer have any feelings for him and don't think I will ever have feelings for him again he is busting butt to fix things. However, I have told him that he could do everything "right" for the next year and I may still not have any love for him.

 

I want out and he is aware that the marriage is over. I have told him, my family, his family, and the chaplain. It is no secret. I am only still here until I get hired somewhere to help support myself and my children. Right now there is no way he could afford to support two households if I leave now with the kids or if I told him to leave. So he is currently sleeping in the bottom guest bedroom.

 

He keeps asking what he can do to "fix it." I have told him he has done enough and there is no fixing it. My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

 

Thoughts? Opinions?

[bubbaganoosh]

You don't go to those sites to order pizzas. They are there for one reason. The MC is an idiot and you need a new one. You know that and now I know that and anyone else that replies to your thread will know it. If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck..........then it's a duck. If your thinking about heading out the front door because of his dishonesty and cheating, then by all means, I don't think anyone would blame you. If he's trying to fix things, he's doing a sh!@#y job of it. Good luck

[Realist3]

With MC like that who needs it? You are wasting your money.

 

Come on. Who suggests their phone was hacked anymore? That is just a total lie. Get your stuff in order and leave.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Raven

 

 

 

Okay, I found a LOT of links from casual counters on his phone, and they were listed in his "most visited." He also went to there on my laptop.

 

Then he told me that someone must have "hacked my phone and put it on there."

 

Nope. Not possible.

 

He then snatched his phone and deleted all of the history.

Guilty action

 

My husband has had affairs on me in the past.

We have reconciled and done counseling.

 

Shows a pattern of behavior

 

If a man with a history of cheating is looking at sex meeting ads online, is the intent not obvious?

 

Yes it does and your therapist is a quack.

 

I want out and he is aware that the marriage is over. I have told him, my family, his family, and the chaplain.

 

Ok

 

He keeps asking what he can do to "fix it." I have told him he has done enough and there is no fixing it. My confidence and self esteem are shattered. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

 

Good luck. Hope you find support here.

[whatatangledweb]

There is no way for it to show unless he was going there. There is no innocent reason when it shows under the most visited. Your MC is full of crap. I'm sorry but your husband is not doing everything to fix it when he is going on sites like that.

[CC12]

We went to counseling again and he was asked if he looked at those postings. He said no and the counselor said "Great! He said he didn't do it, let's move on to the next issue."

 

What in the world??? So then I asked the counselor if it's okay that he looks up people to meet for sex can I do the same thing and he said that would be cheating. But because I can't "prove" that my husband contacted or met any of those women I can't assume his intention was to meet any of them. Yet if I were to look with no intention of meeting, it would be cheating? What is up with the double standard?

 

Hang on, the counselor said it would be cheating if you did it, or did your husband say that? Because I can maybe understand why a counselor might say, "He's not admitting to it. Let's move on to something more productive because we can't properly address this issue if he says he didn't do it." And I could kind of understand why the counselor might say, "You have no proof, so you can't take it as fact that he actually intended to cheat."

 

But I do not understand how a counselor could have such a blatant double standard. It's so ridiculous that I have to wonder if you maybe misunderstood or misinterpreted what the counselor said. Do you think that's possible? Is the counselor normally fair to both of you? Maybe it's something you should bring up again at your next session, and ask for clarification.

 

And can I also ask why you're still attending couple's counseling? You pretty much said you're completely done with the relationship, so is there something that you want to accomplish in counseling?

[RavenWolf]

It is "possible" I misunderstood the MC. Perhaps he meant to move on to the next topic since he said he didn't look at those links and we weren't getting any where with it.

 

As far as why we went to counseling together, I was looking for answers, to understand, and to see if it was possible for him to tell the truth. It wasn't.

 

Now I'm going to counseling to hopefully work on my self esteem and confidence.

 

You are right, I have no "proof" that he communicated with or met up with any of those women.

 

keedityp: Have you cheated in your relationship? If not, then I could see looking at profiles for "entertainment value," if you will. If so, then I think looking takes on a totally different tone. Also, he wasn't looking at a dating site, he was looking at "Come F$#@ Me Tonight" and "Let's Screw all Weekend" postings in our area.

 

I actually liked the breakdown reply stating what shows pattern of behavior, guilty action, etc. I feel the same way and explained that prior to the MC and husband. I also took him into the cell phone company and asked how those links would end up in the "history" and most visited, just to prove my point. We were told you had to physically type it in and click on the links for it to be there. My husband then said, "Believe them if you want. I know I didn't go there." Ha...I'm not stupid or naïve.

 

The only hope I have for him now is that he can fix his issues and maybe be a better husband for the next girl. I no longer wish to be in a marriage in which I have had to endure so much emotional pain.

 

I told him last night I have zero feelings toward him anymore. I don't love him. I don't hate him. And I definitely don't want to be married to him.

 

Thank you for all the replies, including the ones stating his looking does not necessarily mean intent to meet women. I appreciate all opinions.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Now I'm going to counseling to hopefully work on my self esteem and confidence.

 

Good!

 

I told him last night I have zero feelings toward him anymore. I don't love him. I don't hate him. And I definitely don't want to be married to him.

 

Sounds like the right plan.

 

Thank you for all the replies, including the ones stating his looking does not necessarily mean intent to meet women. I appreciate all opinions.

 

Yw, and by the way, the Craigslist thing is two things, 1. Pattern of behavior that shows cheating type yhoughts for someone who has been a cheater in the past.2. Inability to admit. See if he had said, I look at them for a laugh, or like free porn, but admitted it, your assessment of his truthfulness would have been different.

 

But still Might not have changed your desire to divorce.

 

Good luck

[It-is-what-it-is.]

well if your husband is looking at "casual counters" on craigslist than you should be thanking him... he is looking at modernizing your kitchen counter tops, to give it a more casual feel! However, if your husband is looking at "Casual encounters" than you have some cause to worry. You should worry that he is trying to find a hook up. I used to try to find them too on Casual Encounters part of Craigslist, never worked out... On the positive side, it most likely wont work out for your husband. All the "women" on there are actually spamers / fishers, or gay old men trying to get nudey pics... now, if he is looking for men or he-shes he may have a little more luck!

 

No offense OP -- will this is hysterical. I didn't notice the typo.

[RavenWolf]

well if your husband is looking at "casual counters" on craigslist than you should be thanking him... he is looking at modernizing your kitchen counter tops, to give it a more casual feel! However, if your husband is looking at "Casual encounters" than you have some cause to worry. You should worry that he is trying to find a hook up. I used to try to find them too on Casual Encounters part of Craigslist, never worked out... On the positive side, it most likely wont work out for your husband. All the "women" on there are actually spamers / fishers, or gay old men trying to get nudey pics... now, if he is looking for men or he-shes he may have a little more luck!

 

Hahahaha! I didn't even noticed I goofed my title! Thanks for the laugh!

[Koekie]

Hey Ravenwolf! huugggs to you!

 

This is very confusing because some part of you wonders if its really that bad, because the lines are so blurry on this. You wonder if he's just looking for an ego boost, if he intends to meet up with these people etc.

 

I think if you feel hurt and bad about it, then its wrong and it has to stop!

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

No of course because I said it's over and I no longer have any feelings for him and don't think I will ever have feelings for him again he is busting butt to fix things. However, I have told him that he could do everything "right" for the next year and I may still not have any love for him.

 

I want out and he is aware that the marriage is over. I have told him, my family, his family, and the chaplain. It is no secret. I am only still here until I get hired somewhere to help support myself and my children.

 

 

 

I understand your pain and anger and discust. However with that declaration you have released him to do whatever he wants with his phone and his d!(k.

 

If you are not in love with him, have indifferent feelings for him and are no longer involved in a sexual relationship with him yourself, then it is no longer any of your business.

 

He is not going to break your heart. He is not going to abandon you and leave you for another woman (because the marriage is already dead) and he is not going to expose you to any STDs.

 

If all you want is validity that you think he is of low character and is a cheater and is a liar, how much more proof do you really need????

 

Your marriage is simply a technicality at this point in that it has not been legally dissolved.

 

Some people will disapprove of any kind of sexuality until the divorce is completely final but the reality is your marriage no longer exists and what either of you do with your own sexualities is no longer any relevance to the other.

[bobwhite007]

There is no way for it to show unless he was going there. There is no innocent reason when it shows under the most visited. Your MC is full of crap. I'm sorry but your husband is not doing everything to fix it when he is going on sites like that.

sorry folks but it can happen. I'm not saying it did in this case but it can. If you have wi fi a pc and smart phones and google accounts it can happen. There has been history in my phone that I didn't do. No doupt about it and it wasn't some sex site or nothing like that but I didn't go there on my phone. It was my son on his phone no doupts about it. He also searched mtn bikes from his phone on house wi fi and it showed up in my wifes browser history. He wouldn't admit the slutload thing but I'd say it was him too.

[pteromom]

You gotta look at the big picture. Sure, if they were married for 20 years, the guy had never shown ANY shady behavior, and suddenly this stuff was on his phone, I could consider the hacking excuse.

 

But that's not the case. He has a history of infidelity. Not just once either. He definitely falls into the "once a cheater, always a cheater" cliche.

 

So my take on this, OP, is that even as he is telling you he will do ANYTHING to fix it, he's still looking for an opportunity to cheat and once again, lying to you about it.

 

Dr. Phil says: "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." That applies here.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

sorry folks but it can happen. I'm not saying it did in this case but it can. If you have wi fi a pc and smart phones and google accounts it can happen. There has been history in my phone that I didn't do. No doupt about it and it wasn't some sex site or nothing like that but I didn't go there on my phone. It was my son on his phone no doupts about it. He also searched mtn bikes from his phone on house wi fi and it showed up in my wifes browser history. He wouldn't admit the slutload thing but I'd say it was him too.

 

Bob

 

This can ONLY happen if you are SHARING your web browser history through something like iCloud, if you have that setting turned on. In your case I would also assume your son could have done it, if you share a cloud type application. Otherwise no, couldn't happen. So unless OP is surfing those sites herself, or he has the application like iCloud and is sharing it with the settings turned on.

[bobwhite007]

Bob

 

This can ONLY happen if you are SHARING your web browser history through something like iCloud, if you have that setting turned on. In your case I would also assume your son could have done it, if you share a cloud type application. Otherwise no, couldn't happen. So unless OP is surfing those sites herself, or he has the application like iCloud and is sharing it with the settings turned on.

I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Whats I cloud?

[RavenWolf]

I understand your pain and anger and discust. However with that declaration you have released him to do whatever he wants with his phone and his d!(k.

 

If you are not in love with him, have indifferent feelings for him and are no longer involved in a sexual relationship with him yourself, then it is no longer any of your business.

 

He is not going to break your heart. He is not going to abandon you and leave you for another woman (because the marriage is already dead) and he is not going to expose you to any STDs.

 

If all you want is validity that you think he is of low character and is a cheater and is a liar, how much more proof do you really need????

 

Your marriage is simply a technicality at this point in that it has not been legally dissolved.

 

Some people will disapprove of any kind of sexuality until the divorce is completely final but the reality is your marriage no longer exists and what either of you do with your own sexualities is no longer any relevance to the other.

 

My declaration to him that I no longer have feelings for him came after the discovery of his browsing history. Prior to this I still had feelings. However, seeing as he is again lying and looking for women, it was like a switch turned off.

 

I also told him that since the marriage is over, he is now free to meet, communicate, and sleep with whoever he wants. It is of no concern to me.

 

I guess I just wondered if there was a possibility at all that he "didn't" do it but I know he did. We do not have Icloud or anything similar. No one else's browser history has anything that doesn't belong.

[MidwestUSA]

My declaration to him that I no longer have feelings for him came after the discovery of his browsing history. Prior to this I still had feelings. However, seeing as he is again lying and looking for women, it was like a switch turned off.

 

I also told him that since the marriage is over, he is now free to meet, communicate, and sleep with whoever he wants. It is of no concern to me.

 

I guess I just wondered if there was a possibility at all that he "didn't" do it but I know he did. We do not have Icloud or anything similar. No one else's browser history has anything that doesn't belong.

What was his reaction/response, if any?

[RavenWolf]

What was his reaction/response, if any?

 

 

He has been begging me for "another chance" and telling me he doesn't want me to leave him. He only wants me and he is scared he doesn't have much time with the kids because I may move out of state.

 

He just keeps texting and telling me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me.

 

My response? "I have no reason to believe you love me or loved me at all. Your actions have consistently proved otherwise."

 

He then asks what he can do to show me/prove to me that he is serious. My response: "I'm done. I don't want to spend the next 12 years wondering when the next girl is going to happen."

[It-is-what-it-is.]

He has been begging me for "another chance" and telling me he doesn't want me to leave him. He only wants me and he is scared he doesn't have much time with the kids because I may move out of state.

 

He just keeps texting and telling me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me.

 

My response? "I have no reason to believe you love me or loved me at all. Your actions have consistently proved otherwise."

 

He then asks what he can do to show me/prove to me that he is serious. My response: "I'm done. I don't want to spend the next 12 years wondering when the next girl is going to happen."

 

Sometimes it's just too late...especially since he still isn't telling the truth.

 

I just want to note that the court is unlikely to allow you to move, out of state, if you have minor children as it would hinder the kids relationship with their father.

 

You should talk to a lawyer before you raise this so your husband doesn't use your statements as a threat with the court.

[RavenWolf]

Sometimes it's just too late...especially since he still isn't telling the truth.

 

I just want to note that the court is unlikely to allow you to move, out of state, if you have minor children as it would hinder the kids relationship with their father.

 

You should talk to a lawyer before you raise this so your husband doesn't use your statements as a threat with the court.

 

Yeah I had read it is up to the judge's discretion if I could move out of state. Funny thing is, he has pushed the kids away their entire lives and even told at least one of his girlfriends that he didn't have kids and wanted them "someday." My son has cried and asked me why I don't "just get rid of him" because he makes my kids feel unloved and unwanted.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yeah I had read it is up to the judge's discretion if I could move out of state. Funny thing is, he has pushed the kids away their entire lives and even told at least one of his girlfriends that he didn't have kids and wanted them "someday." My son has cried and asked me why I don't "just get rid of him" because he makes my kids feel unloved and unwanted.

 

All the more reason to be careful.

[RavenWolf]

You can tell his pleas to "give him another chance" and "I'll do anything to make it better" are complete BS, b/c he is not even willing to admit to looking a thte craigslist sites.

 

That right there tells you enough.

 

Sounds like he's a sex addict/serial cheater to some extent.

 

You are making a great decision (esp in light of how he treats your children - how terribly sad).

 

Good for you!

 

This is exactly how I think. It makes me sad that I "wasted" so much time. At least when all is said in done I can know without a doubt I did all I could to make the marriage work.

 

Thanks for all the support!

[Lamplight]

My ex-husband had accounts on adult friend finder, Ashley Madison, passion, executive gay dating, Craig's list and a host of other sites. He said he was just looking too. In reality, he texted, talked, met with and had sex with a whole bunch of women, a few men and even a threesome with another couple. He screwed them in hotels, parking lots, my home(on several occasions), his car, his office and even in my SUV in the parking lot of my kid's gymnastics school while they were in class. If you really want to find out what he's been up to, create accounts on these sites, use a fake picture and contact him as an interested party. Ask lots of questions about his experiences. If thinks you are a wild women who is going to give him some, he will gladly spill the beans. Also, ask him why he cheats. Make screen shots of all conversations and use those to get everything you want in the divorce. Don't be too concerned with how he is going to support two homes. Once I busted my X without a doubt, I told him to take his Web-life and go }#^^ himself. He begged and pleaded just like yours but, he finally couldn't take my vulgur mouth anymore and now longer speaks to me. I am so glad. Life is so much better without him. I take his child support money for the kids every month that he no longer has contact with. The faster you get rid of him the better. He is making a fool out of you!! Good luck!! Snag it is a good application for capturing screen shots. Also make sure to put a key logger on the laptops as well.

Edited August 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator