I messed up & Girl says she is not ready to start seeing anyone yet

[ssmith3427]

Hi folks,

 

I have been chatting to a girl I met at the gym for about 6 weeks, we have been on 2 dates, and we had a 3rd date scheduled for this Saturday gone. She had to cancel as her friend rang her at 09:00am Saturday morning, crying and really needed her. This is genuine as she stopped at her friends with her all weekend and today.

 

I over-reacted big time, and she did not take kindly to this, so we fell out a little (I was wrong here). So after apologizing I received this text:

 

You already apologised the only reason I didn't reply was my phone died and I didn't have my charger at rachels

 

I forgive you for all that but it has made me realise I'd rather be your friend, I don't think I'm ready to start seeing anyone right now but I wanted to give it a try because you do make me laugh but its not fair on you if I let it go further. I'm really sorry because you are a really nice guy. X

 

I replied with:

 

Hey Cupid... Shoot us both next time will ya..!! I'm pretty hard to hit.. So Cupid gave up on arrows.. He's using a shotgun now.. He was getting closer haha.!!

 

Thanks for being honest with me. Your a gorgeous girl, have a great heart, and a lot to offer, your grandad was right, definitely one of the few butterflies left

 

Don't be a stranger xx

 

She replied with:

 

Awwh thank you

 

Don't you be a stranger either xx

 

At that is where we have ended it just now.

 

I know she came out of a really bad relationship in February, she had to move towns to get away for her EX.

 

It was going pretty well up until I messed up, so I just wondered where I stand now. I do like this girl, and I wouldn't mind waiting. Should I just leave the ball in her court now, or try to be a friend, which may be hard as we were never really friends, I was just a guy she was seeing.

 

Many thanks

 

Ste

Edited August 26, 2013 by ssmith3427
Spelling

[Sunshine87]

Hey,

 

She was very clear about what she wants. I suggest that you take what she said to heart, even though it might hurt a little.

 

Don't contact her anymore because if you, you will dig a deeper "friend zone" hole. Move on and meet other girls.

[ssmith3427]

Thanks for the reply Sunshine, I think you are right. I will not bother contacting her even though I want to. She did say she liked me until I "started" acting like her EX because I got angry she cancelled on me. And I did say we would take thing super slow, snail-pace, and without knowing I broke this. I am top hopeful I think, I keep thinking with time she will come around and realize I am a pretty good catch, but again I am far to hopeful.

 

Can I read anything into her saying don't be a stranger to? And if she really is not ready for a relationship, is it still better to not contact her? Or try and be there as a friend. She is a super-nice caring person, not one to play games, so I don't want to play games back. But I don't want to be friend-zoned either.

 

I think she might miss my texts and the attention I gave her as I can make her laugh a whole lot.

 

It annoys me that I messed it up because I was insecure.

 

So in light of the above should I still go no-contact?

[Sunshine87]

What exactly did you say or do when she cancelled?

 

If a woman likes a man, she is more likely to overlook negative incidents.

 

If you dont contact her, she will miss your company and this might build up some attraction. An independent man is very appealing. She might begin to wonder about you and whether or not you've found someone else. Contacting her after she explicitly shut you down, will do you no favours.

 

The "don't be a stranger" statement is simply a casual friendly one. She did state that she wants to be friends- no hard feelings. You took it graciously and she knows you are a good person. Nothing romantic to read into that statement.

 

I know it might hurt a bit but you need to listen to what she said to you and believe it.

 

What did you say when she cancelled?

[Sunshine87]

There is no point in feigning a friendship if you want a relationship. You will only end up hurting yourself and you'd have no one to blame because she was very clear about what she wants.

[ssmith3427]

What exactly did you say or do when she cancelled?

 

If a woman likes a man, she is more likely to overlook negative incidents.

 

If you dont contact her, she will miss your company and this might build up some attraction. An independent man is very appealing. She might begin to wonder about you and whether or not you've found someone else. Contacting her after she explicitly shut you down, will do you no favours.

 

The "don't be a stranger" statement is simply a casual friendly one. She did state that she wants to be friends- no hard feelings. You took it graciously and she knows you are a good person. Nothing romantic to read into that statement.

 

I know it might hurt a bit but you need to listen to what she said to you and believe it.

 

What did you say when she cancelled?

 

I was an absolute idiot :/ :/ It played out like this:

 

Her: Hey I'm sorry tp do this but something has cone up, can we please rearrange? Xxx

Her: I really am sorry its just my mate rachel really needs me right now. Xx

Me: Too bad. Listen I'm looking for a good connection, and if you're not that into me then I'd rather you be upfront about it.

Her: Whow when I get a phone call at 9am of my mate balling her eyes out I drop everything to make sure she's ok, she's done it for me in the past. But if thats how you want to be then fine.

 

She sent the below later that night after I had apologized:

 

I really am sorry but friday my phone died then I forgot and fell asleep saturday I didn't have time to explain and to be fair the way you kicked off pissed me off thats why I didn't ask if you got the money back. I cancelled my mates 21st to come see you the first time because I said I would but some times things happen that I can't control, last night I was with rachel and not on fb in fact I'm still at hers now. I can't do this its too much, I'm sorry but I think its best we just leave it. I did like you but your starting to be lile my ex was and I can't deal with that.

 

I really messed up and it was going pretty well. I'll really learn from this, and I don't think I have much choice than to leave her alone.

 

I'm going to leave her alone, but I really want another chance

Edited August 26, 2013 by ssmith3427

[heartshaped]

I would've been put off by your response as well. In the future, try not to jump to conclusions. Never goes over well with women especially when you're wrong.

[ssmith3427]

I know I can't believe I responded like that

 

I just want to know if I am really done, before I went full moron things were going pretty well.

 

I'm going to stay away from her because if I do try and get in touch I just think I will come off worse.

 

I didn't want this, I am hoping that she might come around but I doubt it.

 

Can't believe I was so stupid, I want to make it up, but I think it's to late

[todreaminblue]

I am sorry cupid poked you hard...smilin......i think she needs space maybe she was in a controlling relationship before where she was told what to do where to be and what time to be home who knows.....your text was basically makign her choose from a friend who needs her to the guy she likes....she is an awesome person for being there for someone hurting.......she knows how to be there and nurture relationships

 

 

be her friend....put yourself in the friend zone if you think she is special......show her you want her in your life........and are willing to take friendship........over nothing at all...if you truly have been hit by cupid....show it.....you shouldnt want her to walk away ........you should allow her space and the possibility is ...she will see that mistake you made will not be a constant concern for her to have to baby you, be mature in yrou approach ..babyness is nto an attractive trait for a possibel partner, or with a possible continuing relationship with you it is not a fact that you will sulk if someone needs her.......good luck and best wishes ...cupid survivor...hope it works out and blues skies for you......deb

[ssmith3427]

I am sorry cupid poked you hard...smilin......i think she needs space maybe she was in a controlling relationship before where she was told what to do where to be and what time to be home who knows.....your text was basically makign her choose from a friend who needs her to the guy she likes....she is an awesome person for being there for someone hurting.......she knows how to be there and nurture relationships

 

 

be her friend....put yourself in the friend zone if you think she is special......show her you want her in your life........and are willing to take friendship........over nothing at all...if you truly have been hit by cupid....show it.....you shouldnt want her to walk away ........you should allow her space and the possibility is ...she will see that mistake you made will not be a constant concern for her to have to baby you, be mature in yrou approach ..babyness is nto an attractive trait for a possibel partner, or with a possible continuing relationship with you it is not a fact that you will sulk if someone needs her.......good luck and best wishes ...cupid survivor...hope it works out and blues skies for you......deb

 

Hehe You're correct, she was in a horrible relationship, I'm not to sure on the details but she was controlled, she was not even allowed to wear makeup. I understand I came off as that type of guy, which I am nothing like that.

 

Considering she was in that type of relationship, I am not sure how to make things right between us.

 

If I was to try what you suggested, first I need to give her space. So if I left it for a week would this be enough space?

 

I'm not ready to give up on her yet and I don't want to. Thanks for the advice

[RedRobin]

If she's a member of your gym, you'll see her again there? Just be friendly, say hello. Ask how she is doing... take it from there.

[ssmith3427]

I can't, I stopped working there a few weeks ago as I start teacher training in a few weeks.

 

She has been in a controlling relationship for a while, she finished in Feb and had to move away. I want to show her I am nothing like that as she said I acted like her ex.

 

I'm thinking I should guve her a few days so she gets some space, then get some flowers sent to her work with a message saying

 

I never got chance to thank you for helping me through The Conjuring,I couldn’t have done it without you.!! xx"

 

I would go for something like this as a few weeks ago we watched the Conjuring and she was so scared, she hid under her coat most of the time while I held her lol, we had a good laugh, it was fun.

 

Is this a good or bad idea?

[todreaminblue]

I can't, I stopped working there a few weeks ago as I start teacher training in a few weeks.

 

She has been in a controlling relationship for a while, she finished in Feb and had to move away. I want to show her I am nothing like that as she said I acted like her ex.

 

I'm thinking I should guve her a few days so she gets some space, then get some flowers sent to her work with a message saying

 

I never got chance to thank you for helping me through The Conjuring,I couldn’t have done it without you.!! xx"

 

I would go for something like this as a few weeks ago we watched the Conjuring and she was so scared, she hid under her coat most of the time while I held her lol, we had a good laugh, it was fun.

 

Is this a good or bad idea?

 

excellent idea....nice...but i am a little different wait for some more posts......and make you mind up then...i would actually suggest do what your heart says...yeah ill throw the bucket so you can throw up at my soppiness...smilin....good luck....deb

[ssmith3427]

You inspired me to think of it Deb, I wouldn't have thought of it without your input, thank you sincerely x

[todreaminblue]

You inspired me to think of it Deb, I wouldn't have thought of it without your input, thank you sincerely x

 

 

aww thank you :0) glad to have helped......i really do hope it works out for you......deb

[CC12]

Excuse my bluntness, but you readily admit that you did the wrong thing so I don't feel the need to tiptoe around it:

 

She has been in a controlling relationship for a while, she finished in Feb and had to move away. I want to show her I am nothing like that as she said I acted like her ex.

 

Her previous relationships have nothing to do with you acting like a dick and her reacting appropriately to it. She's not asking you to prove that you're not like him. She probably only mentioned him because dealing with her ex taught her to never again put up with the kind of bull**** you were serving.

 

 

I'm thinking I should guve her a few days so she gets some space, then get some flowers sent to her work with a message saying

 

I never got chance to thank you for helping me through The Conjuring,I couldn’t have done it without you.!! xx"

 

I think this is a terrible idea (sorry deb.) Only send flowers to people who you know would appreciate them. I think it's a good rule. You don't know whether she'd be happy to receive them, or angry and disgusted. Don't take that chance.

[todreaminblue]

 

 

I think this is a terrible idea (sorry deb.) Only send flowers to people who you know would appreciate them. I think it's a good rule. You don't know whether she'd be happy to receive them, or angry and disgusted. Don't take that chance.

 

 

thats ok cc12...i am just a woman who appreciates flowers...do you know over the years,i havent really met anyoen who was angry and disgusted to receive flowers...... normally i have seen women stick their noses in thqat bunch fo flowers and end up with yellow pollen freckles...and they go awww...and then sneeze their head off.........when the person is someone they like who is giving them msot appreciate and understand the sentiment...friends give flowers.......i do understand your point though some women may not appreciate flowers.....i stand by my thoughts and of course my bias.... ....cheers...;0).deb

[CC12]

when the person is someone they like who is giving them msot appreciate and understand the sentiment.

 

Someone they like! That is key. Only give flowers to people who are certain to appreciate them.

 

I love, love, love flowers, but I have actually been angry and/or disgusted by flowers before, when they're used as a method of communication or contact. I don't like getting flowers after an argument. I don't like getting them from strange men. I don't like getting them at my workplace, or left on my doorstep or the hood of my car. Those are not just gifts, they are meant to send a message. But if it can't be said in words, and to my face, maybe it doesn't need to be said at all?

 

But yes, even if I were angry at the flowers, I would still stick my nose in them and go awww and sneeze my head off.

[todreaminblue]

Someone they like! That is key. Only give flowers to people who are certain to appreciate them.

 

I love, love, love flowers, but I have actually been angry and/or disgusted by flowers before, when they're used as a method of communication or contact. I don't like getting flowers after an argument. I don't like getting them from strange men. I don't like getting them at my workplace, or left on my doorstep or the hood of my car. Those are not just gifts, they are meant to send a message. But if it can't be said in words, and to my face, maybe it doesn't need to be said at all?

 

But yes, even if I were angry at the flowers, I would still stick my nose in them and go awww and sneeze my head off.

 

 

lol

 

 

yes they deserve to be loved.....;0)...i have in the past received flowers and not known who they were from......random act of kindness...i have also received flowers to say thank you for my help out of the blue sometimes they are the nicest gestures when there is no thanks to give...just to know someone appreciates you for being you..........i also used to get them when my ex cheated just remembered...not so appreciated by me considering the reason the why for giving them...but...like you....loved the flowers anyway....flowers dont asked to be picked......how cheesy is that....lol...i have lost the plot cc12...i think it was the sneezing reply from you....your fault......smilin..............deb

[Simon Phoenix]

In my experience, women love flowers and notes from people they are in a relationship with but are extremely put off when someone they aren't in a relationship with do things like that. I have to echo that sending flowers is a bad, bad idea. You could make her very uncomfortable and that could be seen as very invasive, especially if you send them to her office.

[RedRobin]

I can't, I stopped working there a few weeks ago as I start teacher training in a few weeks.

 

She has been in a controlling relationship for a while, she finished in Feb and had to move away. I want to show her I am nothing like that as she said I acted like her ex.

 

I'm thinking I should guve her a few days so she gets some space, then get some flowers sent to her work with a message saying

 

I never got chance to thank you for helping me through The Conjuring,I couldn’t have done it without you.!! xx"

 

I would go for something like this as a few weeks ago we watched the Conjuring and she was so scared, she hid under her coat most of the time while I held her lol, we had a good laugh, it was fun.

 

Is this a good or bad idea?

 

You are focusing on proving something to her... rather than get to know her and show her who you are that way.

 

I realize you are feeling stuck in your options to continue to do that.

 

People who have been wounded can be like scared kittens. Have you ever had a cat? They are wonderful creatures. They oblige you to be observant, patient, and kind... and only then, will they come to you and reward you with their gentle purrs. I have the impression she is like that right now.

 

... but to your question... Flowers are wonderful, but given the context, I'd say maybe hold off. It could be perceived as intrusive.

 

OTOH, A single flower (a friendly one...) might be enough to let her know you are thinking of her. Don't expect a response... let her know you'd love to talk to her again when/if she is ready. Then wait. There is nothing else you can do at this point.

[ssmith3427]

I really like the one rose idea as opposed to a bunch of roses, so I do think I am going to go with that.

 

I text her friend today, told her I messed up, and asked her advice. She has not apposed the idea, she just said that if she has not accepted my apology, it might be awkward. But she has accepted my apology. So I said I'm going to send 1 rose, and a private message that only she will understand to her works on Thursday, her friend has not text back yet as she is at work.

[Simon Phoenix]

I really like the one rose idea as opposed to a bunch of roses, so I do think I am going to go with that.

 

I text her friend today, told her I messed up, and asked her advice. She has not apposed the idea, she just said that if she has not accepted my apology, it might be awkward. But she has accepted my apology. So I said I'm going to send 1 rose, and a private message that only she will understand to her works on Thursday, her friend has not text back yet as she is at work.

 

I would really ditch the flower thing altogether.

[RedRobin]

I really like the one rose idea as opposed to a bunch of roses, so I do think I am going to go with that.

 

I text her friend today, told her I messed up, and asked her advice. She has not apposed the idea, she just said that if she has not accepted my apology, it might be awkward. But she has accepted my apology. So I said I'm going to send 1 rose, and a private message that only she will understand to her works on Thursday, her friend has not text back yet as she is at work.

 

Ok... but only do so with no expectations at all. As hard as that might be.

[ssmith3427]

Hi folks, thanks for all the replies so far.

 

The flowers got delivered today.

 

I got the follow message:

 

Her: What was with the rose? lol Thank you. x

Me: Did you not read the card!? It was a thank you for helping me through The Conjuring.!! I couldn't have done it without you lol xx

Her: Haha! Yes I read it, it made me giggle, you and Jade are gits! x

 

Jade is her friend that I asked if I should send her flowers to work.

 

Ok, I have not replied yet.

 

I don't know what to do next? Do I play it cool and keep things light? Part if me is dying to say that I didn't realize I was rushing her, and the truth is I would have given her as much time as she needs, I would have waited until the deserts froze over and the camels came skating home. Not sure which action to take?

 

EDIT:

 

Ok I am thinking I might reply with this, but don't want to scare her, I want to keep it light and a little on the softer side:

 

 

Sometimes randomness can't be explained, it just happens,and leaves more questions behind

 

I should have told you sooner that no matter how long youwould have needed, I'd wait until the deserts freeze over and the camels come skating home lol.

 

If you’re going to the gym tonight good luck, and if not then why the heck not!?!? xx

Edited August 29, 2013 by ssmith3427