Did I Send Him the Wrong Signals? (a guy's interest)

[quartz88]

I know guys are supposed to be easy to read - what you see/hear is generally what you get. And if someone's into you, it should be obvious. But I'm having a hard time figuring out if I'm reading this guy's signals correctly (or if I may not have sent HIM strong enough signals that I was interested).

 

This guy I've known for several years (we're FB friends & work in similar circles, so I see him around town occasionally) randomly wrote to me on Facebook - his buddy had given him an extra ticket to a theater show, and he wondered if I might like to go.

 

This guy was in a LTR for about 3-4 years that just ended in June.

 

The show was during the day...super casual. A few times during the show, I noticed he'd be leaning slightly in my direction (sharing an arm rest, etc.). We chatted for a bit afterwards about work and vacation plans, and he casually mentioned playing with a band once a week at a coffeehouse downtown (we're both musicians).

 

At the end of the following week, I decided to go hear his band play. There was no invite - I just decided to stop by on my own (I go hear music 1-2x a week anyway). When he saw me on break, he gave me a huge hug and thanked me for coming.

 

THEN, he asked, "So, did you just happen to be out in the neighborhood, or did you come by because I mentioned we'd be playing here?"

 

I felt like he was putting me on spot. He could have been trying to gauge MY interest, but I instantly though, "Oh, no, he thinks I'm creepy. He's wondering why I'm here." He wasn't looking at my directly, but kind of from the side, with a little bit of a smirk.

 

I played it off, telling him I was at another event earlier and had decided I didn't want to head home yet, and I figured why not check out some music?

 

Here's how the rest of the night went (summary):

- He spent all of his breaks talking to me (not his bandmates)

- When their set was done, he said "Are you headed home right away, or do you want to get another drink?"

- We headed to a bar down the street where he knew some other musicians who were playing and continued talking.

- Initially, when we sat down, I ended up sitting on this awkward little chair that was attached to the end of the bench by this table, and then he said, "You can just sit here (next to him). It's probably more comfortable." I don't know why I did that...but he might have thought I didn't want to sit too close to him.

- There really wasn't any playful touching/flirting on my part, although the conversation was great and I made sure to smile.

 

- At one point, when we were looking up a specific album on Google (which I hadn't heard), he said, "I should show it to you sometime."

 

Then he dropped me off at my car. I rambled something like "this was so much fun, I normally never hang out after listening to music, but this was great!" and hopped out.

 

--------

To me, the fact that he a) asked me to the play, b) kept prolonging the night when I saw him the second time and c) mentioned (albeit extremely casually) that he might like to hang out again were signs that he's at least a little interested.

 

...But there has been absolutely no follow-up. He knows how to reach me if he wanted to hang out. He does give off more of a shy/beta vibe than most guys I've interacted with, but not entirely. I realize the only way to know whether he's seeing someone else or not interested is to ASK, but I don't want to do that.

 

Am I wrong to think that guys generally don't ask out women they're NOT physically attracted to, even if it's something as casual as a daytime theater show? I just want to know if I was misreading this whole thing and he asked me out as a "friend."

[Star Gazer]

How long has it been? It sounds to me like he's interested in getting to know you, but if it's been more than a couple days, he's either ambivalent/casual or beta or too insecure to go after what he wants, neither of which would fly with me. Does it for you?

[quartz88]

How long has it been? It sounds to me like he's interested in getting to know you, but if it's been more than a couple days, he's either ambivalent/casual or beta or too insecure to go after what he wants, neither of which would fly with me. Does it for you?

 

Yeah, it's been a while - a full month since the theater show, and nearly 3 weeks since the coffeehouse meetup. We've interacted on FB since then (liking status, short comments, etc., which I realize means NOTHING).

 

It's been long enough that I think the likelihood that he has other prospects who have diverted his attention is pretty great. I'm not really expecting a text or call from him out of the blue, at this point - but what bothers me is the lack of knowing whether I was WAY OFF on reading this situation, or not. I've had a number of first dates and casual situations that seemed promising, but yielded...nothing. So I wonder if, beyond the usual "he met someone else" drama, it could be something I'm doing.

 

Like maybe I'm not flirty enough, and although he liked me, he'll end up with the woman who's most enthusiastic and responsive to his signals.

 

P.S. Thanks, Star Gazer - I've been reading your multi-page thread about your "second date, no kiss" situation, and I enjoy your writing and observations. A lot of it resonates with me, as I usually balk at first date kisses (because I usually don't feel that I know the person well enough), but love them on the second or third date if there's chemistry there.

[clia]

...But there has been absolutely no follow-up. He knows how to reach me if he wanted to hang out. He does give off more of a shy/beta vibe than most guys I've interacted with, but not entirely. I realize the only way to know whether he's seeing someone else or not interested is to ASK, but I don't want to do that.

 

It sounds like he likes hanging out with you, but is not sufficiently motivated (for whatever reason) to take it to the next level and ask you out on a date. I don't really think it gets you anywhere to try to make up excuses about how shy or beta he might be or to try to blame it on that. He is obviously capable of asking you out, since he did it out of the blue on Facebook. In my experience, guys who are interested ask you out on dates. That's the very clear and easy way to tell whether they are interested. If they aren't doing that, then they aren't all that interested.

 

Am I wrong to think that guys generally don't ask out women they're NOT physically attracted to, even if it's something as casual as a daytime theater show? I just want to know if I was misreading this whole thing and he asked me out as a "friend."

 

The thing is, who knows the history of this ticket. You could've been the tenth person he asked to go. Or maybe he was interested then, but lost interest for whatever reason. Who knows?

 

I do think your showing up at his show was a clear, blaring signal to him that you were interested, so if there was any confusion on his part, you clarified it. I think you've done your part; now it's up to him to do his.

[quartz88]

I do think your showing up at his show was a clear, blaring signal to him that you were interested, so if there was any confusion on his part, you clarified it.

 

Yep. You're right. I wonder if that may have been TOO bold - like maybe it scared him off? I guess I interpreted his initial invite as a way of asking me out, with little risk to his ego if I said no. But we have several mutual friends, and maybe someone put him up to it. Or like you said, he asked everyone else.

 

Now I feel like an idiot.

 

Well, I showed up to hear him play. It's not like I backed him into a corner and forced him to make out with me or anything.

[tbf]

At the end of the following week, I decided to go hear his band play. There was no invite - I just decided to stop by on my own (I go hear music 1-2x a week anyway).

This is something that you learn. Not to go if there's no invite and even if there's an invite, bring a female friend. The invite should be an enthusiastic one. If it's the type of invite that's lukewarm and casual, don't bite. Let him come to you.

[Versacehottie]

I like what tbf says. That said, I wouldn't sweat it too much. I think what you did was pretty harmless in stopping by the show. Mainly because it's who you are by nature (going to see shows) AND you didn't let on when he tried to get you to say HE was the reason you were there. It sounds like you both have been taking steps to show interest. It feels normal that all signals don't shout it from the rooftops that's part of what generates excitement...the wondering on both parts--does he or doesn't he, does she or does't she? Especially if he recently broke up with someone, i think it's more important than usually to let him find his way to you. He's probably cautious in general and may not come on like gangbusters. 3 weeks between the last time you interacted is a lot to you, but trust me, for some guys, it's a blip on the screen. That also lets you know his total readyiness and all over style for asking out/dating. Probably going to be more subtle, "let's hang out" kind of stuff so he doesn't risk too much in asking. That's fine. You're lucky..with mutual interest of music. There will be lots of opportunity to have hang outs and bump intos. What you should do to be proactive, is see if there's anything you think you might bump into him at. At this point, i wouldn't do another one of his shows or even ask him to something. But maybe there's another show where you think there's a good chance he will show up to. OR since you like stuff and comment on each other's FB, post about a show you recently went to, and when he likes it or comments, just say how great it was again, more details, blah blah, how it's kind of like some other band--plant seeds so there's something in there and TIME of conversing (even over FB) that will give him an opportunity to suggest something you could see together. You can even be kind of blatant and say oh yeah they were great. so many great shows lately. i heard next week so and so is playing. did you hear that? Make it pretty easy for him to ask you BUT DO NOT ask him. He will suggest something in that convo or a future one if you keep planting seeds. You sound cool. All of his signs sounded good when you saw his show. He needs to take next step though. Good luck!

[quartz88]

This is something that you learn. Not to go if there's no invite and even if there's an invite, bring a female friend. The invite should be an enthusiastic one. If it's the type of invite that's lukewarm and casual, don't bite. Let him come to you.

 

Ok. I admit I jumped the gun, timing-wise, in terms of showing up at the coffeehouse. But I don't have a lot of female friends. 99% of the things I do, I do solo. I didn't realize women were required to show up in pairs in order to seem less threatening.

 

I honestly thought it would be more embarrassing for him if I was sitting there with someone, because then he'd probably think we were talking about him, etc.

 

It's frustrating that we have to play these games. It's not as if I think this guy is the perfect guy for me; but I was somewhat interested. Having interacted with him before, he seemed like the quiet, "good guy" type. I've had male friends tell me it's nice (but extremely RARE) for a woman to show any clear signs of whether she's interested, or just friendly. They say they don't want women who are aloof, or cold. Yet in real-life men clearly want a challenge.

 

I hate that in order to get the guy, we have to pretend we don't like him in the first place. It's a ridiculous tight-rope act.

 

You go out, and there's an intellectual and physical chemistry, and maybe a kiss. Their reaction: "Do you always kiss that passionately?" What? You mean you're upset I'm a GOOD kisser? If you're good at anything ELSE, then they're upset at that too, despite having been extremely selective and putting off the majority of sexual activity until 27.

 

If you detect any bitterness, I apologize. It's just that it seems that everyone I meet that seems interested turns out to be dating someone else, or WAS single, but then immediately seems to find the love of their life right around the time they met me.

 

I can't fault them for choosing the people who are more "right" for them than I might have been, but I would love to know what I'm doing wrong. It's like I can't win.

[tbf]

I hate that in order to get the guy, we have to pretend we don't like him in the first place. It's a ridiculous tight-rope act.

You don't. You could and still can ask him out.

[Versacehottie]

[quote=quartz88;5167749 I've had male friends tell me it's nice (but extremely RARE) for a woman to show any clear signs of whether she's interested, or just friendly. They say they don't want women who are aloof, or cold. Yet in real-life men clearly want a challenge.

 

I hate that in order to get the guy, we have to pretend we don't like him in the first place. It's a ridiculous tight-rope act.

 

.

 

I think showing clear signs is good on both sides. And being aloof or cold is NOT what you want to do nor does it work well with most guys. The majority do seem to like a challenge--definition doesn't go hand in hand with being aloof though. Basically I think a good rule of thumb is be enthusiastic (the kind of enthusiastic that goes with your individual personality), do things that show that you see him differently than just every other guy you are nice to (remembering details, asking good questions etc), and give good signals....those are YOUR steps. The other steps, HIS STEPS, are to move the relationship from point A to point B to make something happen with you and let him do them. Point A (friends) to point B (date). You give him lots of info that tells him you will say yes if asked and plant seeds that give him ideas for how to connect with you (both furthering your friendship details and possible date ideas). Like if you say you love a certain type of food, well you have just given him an idea of something he can take you too. The challenge part is that he could pretty much guess that you like him but doesn't know for sure until he takes that chance. I honestly believe the majority of guys NEED to do this in order to feel like they picked the right girl.

 

If you listen to the stories of couples that are together, particularly listen to the guys side. You will hear that this pattern is most often the one repeated. That's why girls can throw themselves at guys in beginning sometimes get some response but it's usually a short-term thing. I think you have done good so far. Even showing up at his show. Not bad and sounds like he responded well. The hardest part for a girl is being patient when you want something to happen.

[quartz88]

Just an update.

 

Since the post, I ran into him at a mutual friend's event - he talked to me for a good 20 mins, and brought up the fact that he'd seen a mention of a concert I'm working in November and that he would also be there.

 

Last week, he sent me a FB message about this event he and a bunch of his friends were going to. Again, it wasn't a direct invitation to join him, but that's not something you say to someone you don't want to run into.

 

We also talked about this concert happening last Sunday that we were both planning on going to.

 

...

 

I went to the concert by myself. I happened to spot him a few rows up near the section I was sitting, but he was there with some coworkers. And a girl who was way taller than he was. After show ended and everyone was in the lobby, I saw them standing with their group of friends. I was in line to buy a CD (not 12 ft. from where they were standing), and at one point, he made a beeline (very quickly) right past the line to check out some CDs on another table. No, we didn't make eye contact, but it would have been impossible for him not to see me.

 

He was ignoring me. Didn't even say hi.

 

I left, and the next day, TRYING to sound like I was joking although I was really hurt, I sent him a message that said: Way to say hi. Just kidding.

 

He wrote back that he was sorry he'd missed me, but "there was so much going on with people hanging out after the concert." (BS). Then he mentioned he thought he'd seen me standing in line for the CDs, which means he CLEARLY saw me. "See you around some other time ."

 

Ok, so I get it - people do what they want to do. So he didn't come talk to me because it was either a) easier or b) made him feel better to not do so. Maybe he didn't want to make the girl he was with feel awkward. But he knew I would be there. And why tell me about these other events and keep writing to me on FB if he didn't at least consider me a friend?

 

Friends don't ignore each other. Even if you don't have time to stop and talk, eye contact and a "hey, how are you doing?" are standard.

 

Here's where I let my emotions get the best of me: I sent him, "No, walking right past someone you've known for a long time who has come to support you at gigs is called being a sh*tty friend."

 

I probably shouldn't have phrased it that way, but I stand by the concept.

 

WHY WHY WHY would this guy have bothered to talk to me in every other instance, and keep encouraging me to show up to events he'll be at, and then COMPLETELY ignore me? This is the first time he's ever displayed any assh*le behavior.

[cif]

I want to give you my perspective and hope it doesnt hurt you...

 

why do you not have any friends?

 

 

Doing 99% (your words) of things by yourself is not healthy. If a guy told me he didn't have friends it would be a HUGE. RED. FLAG. You showed up, again, to an event without a buddy although you were given the advice to. It reeks of social ineptitude. Not sexy.

 

He showed up with a few of his friends, didn't introduce you, nor did he invite you to the after party. He didn't even say hello. You should be ignoring him not messaging him.

[truth_seeker]

I think he likes you as an option. He feels by your actions that he can get you at anytime, so he ignores you. Now, if you disappear and ignore him, you watch, he'll be after you.

[cif]

I think he likes you as an option. He feels by your actions that he can get you at anytime, so he ignores you. Now, if you disappear and ignore him, you watch, he'll be after you.

 

Did you read her update? the guy was standing right next to her and didn't even say hi! i don't think there is any "like" in this... it's total indifference.

[quartz88]

why do you not have any friends?

 

Doing 99% (your words) of things by yourself is not healthy. You showed up, again, to an event without a buddy although you were given the advice to.

 

I DO have friends. But most are married, and we all live in different suburbs outside the city. They have kids and don't "go out." The friends I have outside of work are mostly in the tech scene, and wouldn't be interested in an obscure concert like this.

 

I don't do everything alone, but I AM on my own more than most people. I'm an only child and think people who post that they were scared to go to the movies by themselves are silly.

 

To put this into perspective, you'd have to understand my schedule. I am a working musician and am always performing for events around town (multiple times a week) so it involves a lot of nights and weekends. Also work some weekends, run a blog, do some IT consulting on the side, and am in the middle of launching a startup.

 

I showed up to this event alone because I'd already gotten a ticket BEFORE I even knew he would be there. It was a group I'd always wanted to hear perform. I'm going to Vegas - by myself - next week.

 

I understand where you're coming from with the "friends" thing, but that's my life. I've met people at Meetup, tech networking events, etc., and there are a few people I get together with in town from time to time, but a lot of my close friends live in other cities. D.C. is a very transient place. Most of the time, when you meet someone, they end up moving away 3-4 years later. It's just how it is.

 

You seem very needy and clearly much more emotionally vested in this guy than he is in you.

 

He's probably used to meeting girls who clearly want more than he does because he's in a band...

 

First off, he's not in a rock band. So it's definitely not as cool as what you're picturing.

 

Yes, I agree that I became much more emotionally invested. This last post, and my behavior this weekend, WAS NEEDY. However, I was not like that all the time. When this guy initially asked me out, I didn't think very much of it. But it seemed like he'd invited me out for a reason, and was trying to get to know me better (if you read my original post, you'll see he prolonged the evening and mentioned wanting to get together again).

 

He's got your number loud and clear and he's avoiding you like the plague because he can see it, too.

 

If I were avoiding someone like the plague, I would not:

 

- "like" 3-4 of their FB statuses in the last 2 weeks

- "like" photos they'd posted (in the last month)

- email them to suggest they check out a 4-hour event on a Sunday afternoon where I knew my friends and I would be, 1 week ago

- mention "hey, since you haven't heard this record, I should show it to you sometime" (when we initially hung out)

 

Yes, I agree he was clearly avoiding me this weekend. But all of those other actions don't seem like "avoiding like the plague" behavior. It also doesn't help that some of the friends I talked to (1 woman, 1 guy) said that it seemed like he was maybe a little shy and not sure if I liked him at the beginning. Except for this past event, I tried to be inviting and responsive, and relatively laid-back. It is clear he's not interested NOW, but it wasn't so clear before.

 

If you don't like someone, stop interacting with them on Facebook, and talking and asking for hugs and mentioning that you'd be working at the same concert in November, when you see them.

[Copelandsanity]

I like that you apply logic to your situations. I admire that quality

 

Girls like to do this. It could be that he keeps you around because he enjoys attention. He thought that you were into him when you showed up on your own at his gig, and he's throwing you bones. But he's not interested in being romantically involved with you or being your friend.

[truth_seeker]

Did you read her update? the guy was standing right next to her and didn't even say hi! i don't think there is any "like" in this... it's total indifference.

 

Yea, but he contacted her and invited her to the concert. This guy has been leading her on and knows it. Then he acts weird when she shows up. wtf?

 

My advice: call him out on his behavior. Tell him you want to be friends but not with someone who sends you mixed signals - which is what he is clearly doing here.

[truth_seeker]

 

If I were avoiding someone like the plague, I would not:

 

- "like" 3-4 of their FB statuses in the last 2 weeks

- "like" photos they'd posted (in the last month)

- email them to suggest they check out a 4-hour event on a Sunday afternoon where I knew my friends and I would be, 1 week ago

- mention "hey, since you haven't heard this record, I should show it to you sometime" (when we initially hung out)

 

Yes, I agree he was clearly avoiding me this weekend. But all of those other actions don't seem like "avoiding like the plague" behavior. It also doesn't help that some of the friends I talked to (1 woman, 1 guy) said that it seemed like he was maybe a little shy and not sure if I liked him at the beginning. Except for this past event, I tried to be inviting and responsive, and relatively laid-back. It is clear he's not interested NOW, but it wasn't so clear before.

 

If you don't like someone, stop interacting with them on Facebook, and talking and asking for hugs and mentioning that you'd be working at the same concert in November, when you see them.

 

I completely agree with you. This guy is messing with your head. It's like he's into you when it's convenient for him.

[cif]

Well then is it possible he's intimidated by you? I agree with truthseeker call him out on his behavior at the concert if he contacts you again.

[quartz88]

Well then is it possible he's intimidated by you? I agree with truthseeker call him out on his behavior at the concert if he contacts you again.

 

I called his behavior "being a sh*tty friend," so I doubt he'll be contacting me again. Maybe he'll respect me for calling him out on being a jerk, but more than likely, he'll fail to see my side of the situation and simply tell himself I'm a b*tch.

 

Which I'm not. I'm a person with feelings and HE was the one who asked me out first. It's not like I chased him down.

 

You're all right about the need for more friends, but I'm sorry, I can't make single, like-minded friends appear out of thin air. I didn't know a woman going to a concert on her own was "loser" behavior - I just like to live my life, and I can't always wait around until someone else wants to do something. My married friends throw dinner/house parties a couple of times a year...and that's it.

 

At this point, it's clear this guy and I would never have been a good fit - but I like to look back and try to understand things. It helps me know myself, and other people, better. I honestly thought this guy might have been shy and needed encouragement, but now I know to literally do nothing unless he's explicitly asking me out (repeatedly), and not to read into things said in conversation, hugs, etc.

[truth_seeker]

I called his behavior "being a sh*tty friend," so I doubt he'll be contacting me again. Maybe he'll respect me for calling him out on being a jerk, but more than likely, he'll fail to see my side of the situation and simply tell himself I'm a b*tch.

 

Which I'm not. I'm a person with feelings and HE was the one who asked me out first. It's not like I chased him down.

 

You're all right about the need for more friends, but I'm sorry, I can't make single, like-minded friends appear out of thin air. I didn't know a woman going to a concert on her own was "loser" behavior - I just like to live my life, and I can't always wait around until someone else wants to do something. My married friends throw dinner/house parties a couple of times a year...and that's it.

 

At this point, it's clear this guy and I would never have been a good fit - but I like to look back and try to understand things. It helps me know myself, and other people, better. I honestly thought this guy might have been shy and needed encouragement, but now I know to literally do nothing unless he's explicitly asking me out (repeatedly), and not to read into things said in conversation, hugs, etc.

 

You sound like a heady girl. You just ran into a d-bag of a guy. I read your posts and can tell you that you did nothing wrong at all. He showed interest in you and you showed it back. It was up to him to then take the lead - he didn't. Instead he pussyfooted around and left you wondering what the hell is up with guy?

 

If he's a real good guy, he will get in touch with you. He will be straight with you - no excuses - admit his mistakes and either step up and ask you out on a proper date, or will make amends so you two can be friends. If you don't hear from him, he's weak and spineless. You don't need him.

[Copelandsanity]

You're all right about the need for more friends, but I'm sorry, I can't make single, like-minded friends appear out of thin air. I didn't know a woman going to a concert on her own was "loser" behavior - I just like to live my life, and I can't always wait around until someone else wants to do something. My married friends throw dinner/house parties a couple of times a year...and that's it.

 

Quartz, you are not a loser. I am in a similar position in that many of the friends I used to regularly spend time with have moved on in their lives - married, moved out to different cities/countries, have children, etc. I don't have the guts to go out to see a movie or attend a concert alone, so I admire that you have the confidence to do so. I also consider traveling on your own to be extremely adventurous.

 

Cif's comments came out harsher than they should have. I do hope that you make a concerted effort to make more friends. It's as important to overall happiness as finding a relationship. It's also just as hard, lol; it's work, but it's worth it. Keep in mind what your hobbies and interests are, and attempt to socialize them by joining a group or attending social events that specialize in one of them. Having more friends also increases your social status (cif's point), which even if it's more important for guys, it can be a factor for women in more socially competitive cities like DC.

[clia]

If I were avoiding someone like the plague, I would not:

 

- "like" 3-4 of their FB statuses in the last 2 weeks

- "like" photos they'd posted (in the last month)

- email them to suggest they check out a 4-hour event on a Sunday afternoon where I knew my friends and I would be, 1 week ago

- mention "hey, since you haven't heard this record, I should show it to you sometime" (when we initially hung out)

 

Maybe he just wants to remain acquaintances with you, and not become close friends or your boyfriend. I think maybe you are putting too much emphasis on what he's doing on Facebook. I "like" people's statuses and photos all the time on that site, but if it came to getting together with them or talking to them on the phone, I'd be "eh" about it. They are people I've met, and they are fine, and we are acquaintances, and I am Facebook friends with them, but that doesn't mean I want to develop a romantic relationship or close friendship with them. Does that make sense?

 

For the record, I don't see the problem with you showing up alone to things. I go places alone all the time if the other option is to sit home! Who knows why he avoided you at the concert. At this point, I think you should just move on and stop worrying about it.

[cif]

Quartz, sorry again if my post came out harsh. I understand your perspective better now and honestly think this guy is the one with the issue, not you. I do think you should remove him from your social media. He could be liking many things to "market" himself to your followers. It seems like you are doing much better than him with your music. It's hard to tell and all speculation of course.

[FemmeMystere]

The way he ignored you at that show was extremely rude. If he truly valued your friendship, he would never intentionally do anything to compromise it.

 

Judging by the way he habitually disrespects you, it's clear as crystal that he could take or leave you. You deserve better people in your life. I wouldn't waste another second of my time on him.