How could he say this? Trying to make sense of this tought B/U

August 26, 2013

My ex broke up with my Friday, with no warning, after 9 months. Everyone said we were so good together, and expected we’d be engaged soon… so did I. He is 29, I am 26. We both live at home, and he grew up in a religious family so has a very solid idea that life goes LOVE – MARRIAGE – HOUSE – KIDS. And there’s no way of changing that order. I accepted this, along with him choosing to not sleep over anymore due to ‘guilt’.

Up until the night before the breakup, we had been talking about vacations next year, and what we were going to do this fall, etc. Even 10 minutes before our conversation Friday shifted into the break up, we were talking about how we’d be going away the upcoming weekend and which day we’d leave. I had no indication of what was coming next. I am completely blindsided and painfully hurt as well.

He said his feelings 'stalled' since the last time we had an emotional talk, and that they hadn't progressed to the point he thought they should be at. That I was further ahead in our relationship, and he didn’t know if or when he’d catch up. And I wanted more that he can’t give me. I was able to tell him I loved him...and he said he would never be able to love me. That he didn't see a future with me. When I asked him if he didn’t see a future with me, or if he didn’t see a future with anyone, he said he didn’t know. He's never been in love, and never liked someone as much as me...this is the first and longest relationship for him. I honestly don’t think he will ever find another girl like me, who has such an extreme love of sports (sports is literally his entire life), snowboarding, even his parents trailer is 100 feet away from my grandmothers up north. And I think he knows this.

I've chalked it up to, he's not ready to give me what I want...and doesn't know if he ever will be. He's always been happy being single, and when we met he wasn’t looking for a relationship, but we clicked and he really liked me so went for it. He is now is able to go back to doing 'guy stuff' and coaching hockey and being busy with work. He just didn't see where he'd be able to find time for me. I think he subconsciously stalled his feelings because he didn’t think he’d be able to make me a priority when hockey season started, and it is not fair for me to be his priority 3 when he’s my priority 1. I think that he really did like me, maybe even love (even if he didn’t know it or didn’t want to admit it), and he honestly did try … but his subconscious never left. Thoughts on this theory?

It's the first time I've been in love, and now I am broken hearted. We haven't talked since the break up. It's been extremely difficult but I have been able to cope so far by talking it through with friends and family, reading LS and realizing life will go on, writing in a journal. I'll also be going away next weekend with a friend, since ex and I were supposed to be going away and now we aren't.

So after reading all that, any thoughts? I don’t understand how he can give up so easily. But most importantly, I don’t understand how someone can say they will never be able to love someone else. How could he say this?!?! I believe he meant it in the moment, but how can you have spent 9 months with someone, seeing them multiple times a week, going on trips … and think you will NEVER love them?

Also, maybe a bit of advice on this to … we still have 4 weeks left of baseball. I am not going this week. I don’t want to abandon my team, but his brother, sister, and bro-in-law are all on the team and it could be tough. What should I do?

Sidenote: even though I am analysing, I am also constantly reminding myself that HE initiated the BU, and I however much it hurts, he said those things. And I have to take them at face value, and believe that he won't be coming back

August 26, 2013

Hey karpeezy, sorry to hear that I am in a similar situation and I've gone almost a month of NC. I know what it feels like to get blindsided as well, we made plans for the next week and bought musical tickets in September but she broke up with me unexpectedly. Told me she didn't feel that way anymore and that she wanted to be single at this age (were both 21). I know you have many questions and want answers but sometimes it's better to leave things the way they are. At te beginning of the BU, I had alot of questions but most of them I already had the answer to and ended up hurting myself. There's gonna be someone out there looking for someone like you as hard as that sounds. In terms of him saying he never was able to love you, I think it's a front. He has n probably been thinking about this for some time and that he thought this was the best possible way for him to minimize guilt but let you down easy. Hang in there! I couldn't eat or sleep at te beginning and it's normal but you gotta pick yourself up because there was a time before him and a time after !

August 26, 2013

((Return hugs))

I clearly know what you're going through

The part of me that's smart says: He doesn't owe you an explanation and you have to take what he says at face value. Besides, even if you do pry an explanation out of him, who knows if its the truth or if it'll actually help. Be thankful you had a wonderful relationship for the time you did. (I'm not really listening to this part of me right now...)

The part of me that wants to rationalize says: He doesn't mean what he says, that's just the script he think's he's supposed to use. He's confused. He's misinterpreting external issues as internal problems. It's not you--he loves you--but something in him is being able to keep him from committing. He thinks he's doing the right thing, which is noble, but damnit, he's wrong! (This part of me is doing everything possible to protect my ego, to silence the ugly voice that's saying 'you weren't worth the love, you weren't worth fighting for.' I just refuse to believe that he could look at me and our relationship and not be happy with it.)

And of course, we all know what the hopeful part of me says...

I don't have advice. Just empathy. My plan is this: Cry in the morning. Try to do everything possible to keep from crying at work. Read a bunch of other LS stories to know I'm not alone. Abuse work internet privileges to hash out every feeling I have on anonymous public forums until even I'm bored of hearing myself speak. Stay out as long as possible after work to avoid going home to empty house. Let loose at night and cry it out.

August 26, 2013

Thanks to your both for your words. As hard as this is, it's reassuring that I am not alone in this.

So far, I haven't asked for an explanation. I feel in our half hour break-up conversation, he explained as best as he could. In short, it's not you, it's me. And I believe in this case, this is the truth. I could not have done anything differently, except maybe NOT talk about the future and what I wanted. But then I would have been lying to myself and putting myself in a worse situation.

I truly believe, that it really is him. That he probably does love me, but like CBKBM says, something is keeping him from admitting it. Whether it's fear of commitment, or maybe he has GIGS, who knows. Maybe he just doesn't know what love feels like, since he has never experienced it. And now that he is, he's freaking out. Who knows... I don't even think he knows!

But I am not going to question him. Ultimately, he made the choice. And I have to go with it, as much as it kills me.

Emotionally, I've been a rollercoaster. When I am talking about it, I feel OK. I can get input from friends, and have gotten input from some male friends who have been dumpers as well. The common reaction is "He's scared, it was too fast, etc". However, all I know is right now, I can't do anything about this. If he's scared, he has to deal with that himself. Maybe separation will make him realise he made a mistake ... but maybe it won't.

I feel like there's alot of maybe's floating around right now. But I have to stick to my gut, and continue NC and continue working on myself.

And of course, do everything you are doing CBKBM! I'm going away on the weekend with a friend, up to a beautiful part of Northern Ontario. It should be therapeutic and I'm looking forward to it.

August 26, 2013

Anyone else have some input? I'm just trying to make sense of this all during this rough time

August 27, 2013

On his side of things this wasn't a spur of a moment, all of the sudden decision. He has been thinking about breaking up with you probably for months, before finally pulling the trigger.

August 27, 2013

On his side of things this wasn't a spur of a moment, all of the sudden decision. He has been thinking about breaking up with you probably for months, before finally pulling the trigger.

I know he put a lot of thought into it ... but for someone so thoughtful, I don't understand why he kept putting ideas and hopes into my head. Up until right before we broke up, he was still saying "oh we can leave Friday for the trailer, stick with the original plan" etc. And talking about vacations we'd be taking next year, and how he had a ticket for me for the Hockey Winter Classic over New Years.

Wouldn't someone who was thinking of breaking up, be a little less eager about future plans?

I honestly think he had an internal struggle. A small dude on one shoulder saying "I really like her, she's a great girl, we have so much in common, blah blah blah" and on the other shoulder saying "but I committed to hockey, and that's something I really want to do, and she will resent me for being so busy with it and work". And at this time in his life, something had to go .. and unfortunately it was me.

Thank you for your input though, blotter. I appreciate the time

August 27, 2013

I'm going through something very similar except my relationship was much more difficult as it was long distance and we are lacking stability (I travel alot for work). Like you said until the end we were talking about future: kids, marriage, where to live, house, vacation for next year....

I knew things were a little on the rocks but i thought we would be able to work it out, he said he could not break up with me as he loved me too much..then something happened and he just said it was over, that we had no future together that we didn't want the same things etc etc....

It had been 6 weeks, have not been able to keep NC and we just talked for the first time in over 3 weeks and he crushed me again... i have so much hope that he will come back even though he tells me the opposite over and over (but also says he loves and misses me) but here is the point:

they walked out, no matter what made them, or how long it took them to make the decision they gave up on their relationship and they are making their priorities something different!

you have to see it for what it is, not sure if i'm telling you or myself but believe me I know how hard it is! And you are the only person who can help yourself. Cut him out, stop giving him the chance to be in power and to control your feelings. It is not about him but it is about you!

you are definitely not alone!

August 27, 2013

I experienced the same. He said literally the same words to me. And the day before we were making plans for my birthday. And now here I am on my birthday alone, just got a "happy birthday have a good one"

August 27, 2013

I know he put a lot of thought into it ... but for someone so thoughtful, I don't understand why he kept putting ideas and hopes into my head.

THIS! Honesty and open communication is something I really valued in our relationship, so I just don't get why he didn't bring up his issues with me. (Ok, well he probably didn't bring them up because he didn't want to hurt me and it was difficult for him to process.)

It's hard not having something to dislike about the person. Friends keep giving me the advice to think about something I couldn't stand about him, or think about the moments he treated me badly. THOSE DON'T EXIST. It was a safe, steady, honest, GOOD relationship. I was totally myself with him, we supported each other, never brought one another down, never had volatile fights... It was the first time I really felt that I was in a healthy, adult relationship. A feeling of emptiness I didn't even know I had until I met him was filled. He was the first person I said "I love you" to.

...I'll be your breakup buddy if you'll be mine?

August 27, 2013

they walked out, no matter what made them, or how long it took them to make the decision they gave up on their relationship and they are making their priorities something different!

you have to see it for what it is, not sure if i'm telling you or myself but believe me I know how hard it is! And you are the only person who can help yourself. Cut him out, stop giving him the chance to be in power and to control your feelings. It is not about him but it is about you!

you are definitely not alone!

The bolded part is a very important part for us to remember in our healing. It was NOT our decision. And we can't change that decision, only they can.

Part of my coping has been to remind myself of this. Despite how amazing everything was, and how blindsided I was... I believe he really thinks this is the best at this point, and I have to accept that. I have to keep telling myself (and listening to the people who tell me this as well) ... this happened for a reason. And only time will tell what that reason is.

LS has been very important to keep my sanity these past 4 days. Seeing other people going through the same thing (or worse), reading how people keep NC, and how they feel when NC is broken. It's really preparing myself for how the next few days, weeks, etc. are going to be tough but

I. Am. Strong.

August 27, 2013

I experienced the same. He said literally the same words to me. And the day before we were making plans for my birthday. And now here I am on my birthday alone, just got a "happy birthday have a good one"

I truly feel for you lalalovekay. What a horrible feeling, and the balls on that guy to send you a message like that! I hope you deleted it and got out with some friends.

The words are agonizing to hear, but everything happens for a greater good in the long run. In the meantime, you have us here on LS to talk to!

August 27, 2013

THIS! Honesty and open communication is something I really valued in our relationship, so I just don't get why he didn't bring up his issues with me. (Ok, well he probably didn't bring them up because he didn't want to hurt me and it was difficult for him to process.)

It's hard not having something to dislike about the person. Friends keep giving me the advice to think about something I couldn't stand about him, or think about the moments he treated me badly. THOSE DON'T EXIST. It was a safe, steady, honest, GOOD relationship. I was totally myself with him, we supported each other, never brought one another down, never had volatile fights... It was the first time I really felt that I was in a healthy, adult relationship. A feeling of emptiness I didn't even know I had until I met him was filled. He was the first person I said "I love you" to.

...I'll be your breakup buddy if you'll be mine?

Your relationship really sounds so identical to mine .. other than, you know, the fact that my ex said he never loved me (which I'm not sure I entirely believe, but I have to take what he said at face value).

I think your ex sounds a lot like mine. He really did care, and we did nothing wrong. It's just bad timing or a miscommunication along the way. I really think my ex just wasn't ready to give me the commitment I wanted. It's definitely harder when the relationship seemed so wonderful, you and I are asking the same questions ... WHY? What went wrong? And in all honesty, I don't think we could have done anything different. This is an issue on their side. And they will either regret giving up amazing girls like us, or they won't. Either way, someone out there, will give us the love back that we deserve.

My ex was the first man I've ever said I Love You to as well. Unfortunately for me, I was only able to say it when he was breaking up with me. I don't regret getting it out.. he had to know. I just wish I had said it earlier. It's something that I felt for months, and I know he knew I loved him. I really think he wanted to love me, but something inside him wasn't letting him.

I also hear you on finding something to dislike about him. He was always incredible to me, to my family, to my friends. Sure, there's little things that would bug me .. he never really gave me gifts "just because", he didn't like to have his photo taken, etc. But at the same time, he wanted to see me almost everyday, he drove to my house in a blizzard, he called me when he was on his boys baseball trips. There's just so much more GOOD.

Honestly CBKBM, we are going to be in pain for awhile. And then one day we won't be. But until that day, stay strong. I'll definitely be your break-up buddy. It sounds like we had very similar relationships and very similar endings. It helps knowing that I'm not the only one. And as cliché as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. This is all in God's plan, and all I can hope for is that maybe a year from now, maybe a few years... that we'll be able to love and be loved by someone else, and maybe then we will realize .. this wasn't the right relationship. It's incredibly hard to think of now though.

August 27, 2013

I truly feel for you lalalovekay. What a horrible feeling, and the balls on that guy to send you a message like that! I hope you deleted it and got out with some friends.

The words are agonizing to hear, but everything happens for a greater good in the long run. In the meantime, you have us here on LS to talk to!

I unfortunately replied saying "thanks! :D" which I now regret but now I can see it doesnt matter to him so why should it matter to me. Why should I be alone and sad for one person not wanting to be with me when all my other friends did want to spend time with me. I guess it made it easier to help me move on

August 27, 2013

I'm at 26 days NC and honestly it's been a tough up and down roller coaster. What do you guys do to take your mind off of things? My ex and I have many mutual friends when we go back to school in a different city, so that's going to be hard. I catch myself thinking alot about the good times (especially the morning) and then the feelings subside and can turn into anger. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can do this NC. Two people have interest at me at work (confirmed by coworkers) but I simply want nothing at the moment. What to do!?!?

August 27, 2013

I unfortunately replied saying "thanks! :D" which I now regret but now I can see it doesnt matter to him so why should it matter to me. Why should I be alone and sad for one person not wanting to be with me when all my other friends did want to spend time with me. I guess it made it easier to help me move on

I think if anything, that's the only text that would have been good to send.. if it makes you feel better at least. Sometimes I feel worse if I don't reply to a text, and the longer I go, the more I think about what I could have said, etc.

I hope you were able to get out with your friends and spend time with them I've found the past few days, I have been leaning heavily on friends and the support back is so encouraging

August 27, 2013

I'm at 26 days NC and honestly it's been a tough up and down roller coaster. What do you guys do to take your mind off of things? My ex and I have many mutual friends when we go back to school in a different city, so that's going to be hard. I catch myself thinking alot about the good times (especially the morning) and then the feelings subside and can turn into anger. Honestly, I don't know how much longer I can do this NC. Two people have interest at me at work (confirmed by coworkers) but I simply want nothing at the moment. What to do!?!?

Well, I'm only at 4 days! So that's awesome you have made it 26. Mutual friends is tough, I haven't deleted his family or friends off any of my social networks. I just took them off timeline so I'm not taken by surprise status updates. It's even tougher in the same city, because you may have to be around him. Which will be extremely hard (and we'll be here for you!!)

I have spent lots of time leaning on friends, and they have been extremely supportive which has helped a lot. I have written in my journal, watched TV shows, and have put some books on hold from the library about break ups, how to deal, etc. Also, I'm going away on the weekend with a friend to get out of the city. We are going to beautiful Northern Ontario and I think it will be therapeutic.

Can you do anything like that? If you can't get away, I would do everything else .. lean on friends, work out, go for coffee with an old friend, write, read, go for walks. And don't be afraid to scream or cry or pound pillows! Let it out. You can do it!

August 27, 2013

I think if anything, that's the only text that would have been good to send.. if it makes you feel better at least. Sometimes I feel worse if I don't reply to a text, and the longer I go, the more I think about what I could have said, etc.

I hope you were able to get out with your friends and spend time with them I've found the past few days, I have been leaning heavily on friends and the support back is so encouraging

I regret it only because I waited for his response for the whole day but I guess i won't ever get it.

I know me too and a new guy came into my life but I don't know if I should go for him or wait for my ex ):

August 27, 2013

Lalalovekay,

you should not sit around and wait for your ex! you have to move on with your life and he will have to deal with the consequences of having left you. and i would say only go for the new guy if you feel ready to, but don't push anything and remember he is also a human being, so think about what is right and what would be fair to him!

August 28, 2013

Lalalovekay,

you should not sit around and wait for your ex! you have to move on with your life and he will have to deal with the consequences of having left you. and i would say only go for the new guy if you feel ready to, but don't push anything and remember he is also a human being, so think about what is right and what would be fair to him!

Lalalovekay, Take that lack of response, and be angry! I would be. Even if you deep down didn't expect a response, it's still ok to be mad and upset. Move past and enjoy time with friends, and maybe this new guy ..

And definitely agree with robsa, move forward, as tough as it is. I've decided that I have to take ex's words at face value, and no amount of speculating or rethinking it will change that. He still said it, and I have to assume he's not coming back. Like Robsa said though, he's still human so make sure you are ready.

And please don't take offense, but I would assume that being on a site like this, you are still hurting and probably not ready. Maybe it would be good to take it slow if anything. You are strong! We all are, deep down.

August 28, 2013

. I've decided that I have to take ex's words at face value, and no amount of speculating or rethinking it will change that. He still said it, and I have to assume he's not coming back.

This is so hard. The rational part of me knows this. Heck, it's the advice I've given plenty of friends in the past. The rational part of me right now, though, is about 5%. My head knows the reality of the situation, but my heart and body are screaming that he's wrong and stupid and confused and our relationship was different than everyone else's. It hits me really hard when I realize that my few glimmers of happiness throughout the day are the times where my insidious heart wins out and convinces my exhausted brain that he'll come back. That's the only balm of happiness I feel I have.

And it kills me to think that our relationship ended because of a silly and potentially avoidable perfect storm of timing and miscommunication. So many if onlys...

August 28, 2013

This is so hard. The rational part of me knows this. Heck, it's the advice I've given plenty of friends in the past. The rational part of me right now, though, is about 5%. My head knows the reality of the situation, but my heart and body are screaming that he's wrong and stupid and confused and our relationship was different than everyone else's. It hits me really hard when I realize that my few glimmers of happiness throughout the day are the times where my insidious heart wins out and convinces my exhausted brain that he'll come back. That's the only balm of happiness I feel I have.

And it kills me to think that our relationship ended because of a silly and potentially avoidable perfect storm of timing and miscommunication. So many if onlys...

Agggh CBKBM you and I are so alike!! I'm trying to stay rational to maintain my sanity haha. I just figure I'm protecting myself in case he really doesn't come back. There's part of me that thinks he doesn't know what he's talking about, he's confused, he'll rethink, everyone will tell him he made a mistake, etc. Exactly what you said.

And maybe he is, maybe he will realize it's a mistake. But no matter what we speculate, we have no idea what he's thinking. And sadly, assuming the worst will make it easier if he really doesn't come back. It sucks! I'm really trying to protect myself as best as I can, and for me, that means giving him space to figure himself out. Tomorrow will be day 5, since the break up, and since we last talked. It kills me every day.

Just keep hanging on, my break-up buddy. We must be strong, even though we are hurting so much .. we will be OK! It's all part of a bigger plan ... but we can still hope the plan leads him back to us lol

August 28, 2013

CBKBM

Believe me when i say that i thought the same, up until yesterday actually... and hope is something that is there and how can you end hope. I thought just like you, that we were different and our relationship was different and that we could overcome this, and that it would just take sometime for him to realise it etc etc.... It is difficult to be rational, but then we all know that so many relationships end, and end for good. And I think that in most of those relationship at the end there is one person left with lots of hope.

The truth is that you don't know what will happen in the future, you don't know where you will be emotionally and rationally in 2-6 months from now, just like you don't know what's in his head...and you can't assume.

There are many reasons that lead to a break up and you are right: timing, misunderstandings, miscommunication are some of them, but once that happens you cannot change his mind or the way he thinks, and as long as you let him he will be in control of your emotions....you need to take control because at the end of the day it is your life and it is about you....

he left you and he is being selfish and thinking about himself and not about you!

I know how difficult it is believe me when i say that! But it gets to a point where you really reach and hit the bottom, and only you can decide to stop it and move back up and the sooner you do it the sooner you can find your happiness and motivation to go on with your life.

August 28, 2013

Hey Karpeezy, how are you doing today?

I haven't cried yet this morning, and even though it's probably because I'm emotionally exhausted and have no tears left to cry, I'll take it as a win.

August 28, 2013

Hey Karpeezy, how are you doing today?

I haven't cried yet this morning, and even though it's probably because I'm emotionally exhausted and have no tears left to cry, I'll take it as a win.

Hey CBKBM, That's definitely a win. One day at a time girl! I hope you are able to get through the day with no tears. That would be a SUPER win! But if you have to cry, let it out. Or come on here and talk to me. I've been spending hours on here, it's helping me cope.

Thanks for checking in on me. Yesterday I thought was a good day... I talked to my mom in the morning, and my coworker at work. I thought I was doing well. And then I jumped in my car to come home from work ... and 5 minutes from home, I totally broke down. I got home and just hugged my dad and cried and we talked about it for an hour or so. I think that's the most I've cried since the break up actually.

Talking to my parents has helped me a lot. I live at home, so they saw ex and I very often and how we were together. They have also been through this sort of thing. My dad, who when he was younger was very similar to ex, says he thinks ex really did love me, no matter what he says. That he could see it when we were together. (Not that it makes it any easier or better). That he knows he made a mistake, but he's stubborn and has to stick to his guns now while he clears his head. He'll be hardpressed to find another girl who wants to go on baseball trips, watch the game with a beer after work, go to Church, snowboard.

I just tell me dad, 'I think you're right dad. He HAS made a mistake, and there's no way he can't know it. I said in another post somewhere else (I keep repeating it, as I try to convince myself) that ultimately, he said the words and he left, and he hasn't contacted me. I'm sure everyone is telling him to not contact me, just like I'm being told to not contact him. But I have to take it at face value. It's easier to assume he's not coming back, so if he doesn't, the fall isn't as hard.

Stay strong CBKBM. Hang in there. Each day is new, and it's tough. But you'll get through today, and tomorrow, and the next day. You can!

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How could he say this? Trying to make sense of this tought B/U

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