Rewriting history or hindsight is 20/20

[Coolit]

Do you ever wonder which is which? For me it seems somethings have become clearer like xMM's behaviour and my going along with it. But then I wonder if I really am changing things to make myself feel less guilty. After all the A drove me to sitting on the floor frustrated because H had a combination lock on the trigger of his handgun. I was a crazy person. One I am scared of and ashamed of.

 

Everyday i put one foot in front of the other but I feel like my life has come to a full stop and will never be better. H and I get along good. I've been holding myself together well in front of him. I get out of bed to go cry in another room. I greet hin with a genuine smile when he gets home. I feel better, i know I do and yet the crazy person is still in there. I can feel her. The crazy person I created when I chose to go against my conscience.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Both?

 

I can see your progress in your posts.

 

At some point you have to accept what you did and forgive yourself. That sounds easy I know. But realizing you cannot undo any of this and that should not be the goal.

 

Are your feelings being held back from your husband because he does not want to discuss? Or because you are feeling the feelings themselves are not kind to him (missing the OM or working through blame)

 

Maybe you would feel better if you did not try to put on a happy face?

 

Are you in therapy?

[Spark1111]

Do you ever wonder which is which? For me it seems somethings have become clearer like xMM's behaviour and my going along with it. But then I wonder if I really am changing things to make myself feel less guilty. After all the A drove me to sitting on the floor frustrated because H had a combination lock on the trigger of his handgun. I was a crazy person. One I am scared of and ashamed of.

 

Everyday i put one foot in front of the other but I feel like my life has come to a full stop and will never be better. H and I get along good. I've been holding myself together well in front of him. I get out of bed to go cry in another room. I greet hin with a genuine smile when he gets home. I feel better, i know I do and yet the crazy person is still in there. I can feel her. The crazy person I created when I chose to go against my conscience.

 

Why do you have to hide your feelings from your H?

 

What is making you do so? If you feel guilt shame and remorse, why not say so?

 

If you are seeing your AP in a different light, why not share that?

 

You will NEVER feel empowered u til you know your WHY; the chink in your armor that allowed you to take so many steps down a slippery slope. And share that with him too!

 

Yes, people tend to rewrite marital history to allow themselves to engage in the affair. Then they tend to rewrite the affair history so it is rationalized as a lesser deal than it was.

 

these are coping mechanisms to help deal with one's reality, a terrible one.

 

in time, with patience and distance and a GOOD IC, you should be able to learn your truths, your whys and not fear this cycle again.

 

ARE you in IC?

[Coolit]

Directly after the A I was such a mess and I leaned very heavy on my H. Now I feel as though I need to be strong for him. Like otherwise I am going around in circles. When I smile and laugh I'm not forcin it or faking. But at night when I can't sleep and he is sleeping I feel tormented.

 

The history I wonder if I am rewriting is xMM's actions and mine. Not lyarriage at the time. xMM said a lot. Some I believed and some I didn't. I did not believe him when he said our dirty talk was not cheating. And I did not believe him when he said his W was all he needed. Because if she was he would stop cheating, right?

 

But after I confessed my A and just before I accidentally confessed to his wife . she told me a lot of crazy things like "you shouldn't have kept trying to start a secret affair" and "my H is easy to fall in love with" and "you need to realize my H tells me EVERYTHING" I was a mess, it was via text and so I apologized to her for lying to her after her H and I "played alone". Well she went from patronizing to full blown hate. This was in the height of my crazy. Of course she didn't know about us but she at the time convinced me she did. I felt like a fool that xMM had been pretending it was all secret and it wasn't. So, I confronted him. Ive mentioned how not well that went. But that meeting really exposed him in my eyes for how terrible of a person he really is.

 

Now I think I can see it long before that. I am not just meaning his willingness to cheat but also his treatment of me. I think he was trying to make me fall in love with him. Things he said and did were totally unnecessary in a sex only A. I thought or wanted to believe he pulled away at the end because his wife was catching on and he was worried about his feelings for me. Because pf what he was saying. Now I am pretty sure he pulled away because he got what he was after and was done with me. His talk about us being friends was just a cover. So taking that into consideration and his past "conquests" I think he likes women falling in love with him. And then after the chase gets bored, pulls the plug, and if his W finds out (like this time). Tell her a very twisted version of events.

 

But maybe I am just changing history. But the good thing is I really do despise him and feel repulsed by him. Which makes things harder because when the times we had sex pop in my mind I feel dirty and ill. Disgusted by what i did. And fully embarrased I risked my marriage for sex with him.

 

I don't think he is all bad. But I think he has spent so much time blame shifting he has had no time to grow up.

 

I havent told this to my husband because I dont want to look like I am trying to make him out to be the one to blame. Because I went along merrily with him. i just realized that I always went along with him. And any time I tried to initiate anything verbal or physical I got shut down.

[ChooseTruth]

I think it's such a good sign that you are going through all this in your head, and that you are here asking for help. I wish my exWW even knew the term "rewriting history". When someone is trying hard, the signs are everywhere...and when they aren't...yeah. I'd say you are doing well from the posts I've seen.

 

I rewatched the Prince Caspian movie yesterday and there was this cheesy line I've heard in several movies\books.

Alsan says for the Kings and Queens to rise and Prince Caspian stays down.

Aslan:"ALL of them".

Prince Caspian: "I don't think I'm ready yet."

Aslan: "It is for that reason that I believe you ARE ready."

 

That's how I see your situation

[Spark1111]

You have to tell your H what is running through your head and why.

 

Just do it. It is part of your healing as well, no?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Chasing after what the xmm motivations, lies or truths is a fools errand.

 

The only person you truly know is yourself. You need to dig into why you allowed yourself to engage is such self destructive behaviour.

 

I notice so many fow, fom, fap dwell on their ap. They don't look at themselves. Value yourself, work on yourself, find those vulnerabilities and work on fixing those. To keep spinning the facts of the affair solves nothing into how you allowed it all to happen. It doesnt matter what they did or did not say or do, its all about what your choices were.

 

It's like if the affair was "successful" then there wasn't anything wrong with what they were doing. Yes there was!!!!! It was all toxic. It was always about disrespect...of yourself, of the ap, of your spouse, of his.

[Coolit]

Chasing after what the xmm motivations, lies or truths is a fools errand.

I disagree. In part. I have accepted I will never really know. But seeing there were lies and so forth is important for me. Seeing him for who he really is rather than who I let myself believe he was. I never "fell in love" with him and planned to leave my husband but I did get emotionaly involved/invested. I also want to remember things as they really happened. And I don't ever what time to soften what i did or make him somehow appealing again. You know the verse about as a dog goes back to its vomit so a man goes back to his sin? I want to see my relationship w OM like vomit. But I don't want to lie to myself or change history to do that... Which is why I decided to vent today.

 

The only person you truly know is yourself. You need to dig into why you allowed yourself to engage is such self destructive behavior.

 

done and done. And not really what this post was about.

 

I notice so many fow, fom, fap dwell on their ap. They don't look at themselves. Value yourself, work on yourself, find those vulnerabilities and work on fixing those. To keep spinning the facts of the affair solves nothing into how you allowed it all to happen. It doesnt matter what they did or did not say or do, its all about what your choices were.

 

I don't think I have been doing this. If anything I have focused on his W too much (not blaming for the A but defendin myself to her in my head which thankfully I am getting over). xMM's behaviour is a part of why I fell. So seeing what he did shows me what I am vunerable to. I don't think I will ever cheat again. I love my husband and the pain I caused him once is a lot to bare. Do it again and I my as well commit myself for being insane. The other reason I have went over it in my head again (not over in over just a recent relook) was because some of his accusations after his DDay left me very confused. I thought perhaps I dreamt the whole thing up. So for each lie he said I was able to confirm no, we did and said this. I really did think I was going crazy.

 

It's like if the affair was "successful" then there wasn't anything wrong with what they were doing. Yes there was!!!!! It was all toxic. It was always about disrespect...of yourself, of the ap, of your spouse, of his.

I do not disagree with you at all except i am not sure where this fits into any of what I said. Or have ever implied since I confessed my A to my husband and started R

M

[AlwaysGrowing]

I do not disagree with you at all except i am not sure where this fits into any of what I said.

 

Your focus on how it ended...not why you began in the first place.

 

 

I don't think I have been doing this. If anything I have focused on his W too much (not blaming for the A but defendin myself to her in my head which thankfully I am getting over). xMM's behaviour is a part of why I fell. So seeing what he did shows me what I am vunerable to. I don't think I will ever cheat again. I love my husband and the pain I caused him once is a lot to bare. Do it again and I my as well commit myself for being insane. The other reason I have went over it in my head again (not over in over just a recent relook) was because some of his accusations after his DDay left me very confused. I thought perhaps I dreamt the whole thing up. So for each lie he said I was able to confirm no, we did and said this. I really did think I was going crazy.

 

Your total response was all about your ap. Here's the thing...everyone knows that an affair is hurtful to the bs's involved, doesn't stop affairs though...does it. Because you can't have your moral compass tied to another. It has to lie within...the affair should be most painful to yourself..and how you let yourself down..betrayed yourself FIRST.

 

 

I disagree. In part. I have accepted I will never really know. But seeing there were lies and so forth is important for me. Seeing him for who he really is rather than who I let myself believe he was. I never "fell in love" with him and planned to leave my husband but I did get emotionaly involved/invested. I also want to remember things as they really happened. And I don't ever what time to soften what i did or make him somehow appealing again. You know the verse about as a dog goes back to its vomit so a man goes back to his sin? I want to see my relationship w OM like vomit. But I don't want to lie to myself or change history to do that... Which is why I decided to vent today.

 

The dating pool for a married person is pretty shallow. It goes without saying that someone involved lacks self respect, and is not a healthy individual. A healthy person would be insulted that someone thought that they thought so little of themselves. To continue to focus on your ap, is keeping mental contact, the opposite of love is not hate..it is indifference.

 

I just think that its always much more productive in putting the work into our own thought processes...our "bad wiring" that allowed such destructive disrespect to ourselves. To constantly look at only the affair does nothing. What underlying vulnerabilities...were at work. What part of you allowed the affair..what was driving the destructiveness. It lies within you...not who the ap is or isn't.

[Coolit]

This is just one post by me. And not even all about how it ended but things that seem obvious now during the whole thing. I wanted to believe

OM sort of ended it because he was getting to involved or his wife to suspicious. I wanted to believe this for my own ego. But looking back I can see that he got bored of me and was on to someone new. Ues As are bad and evil and in the end none of that really matters. Buy I needed to see him for what he really was even if thay meant i risked my marrige for a loser. That, while I felt our sexual chemistry was "special" (gag) for him I was just another jayjay. I really needed to see how pathetic I was.

 

I only went into depth because people assumed I was talking about my marriage. My marriage was no where near the train wreck most people claim when entering in an A. I knew that then and I knew that now. I have stated on many other posts "why" I got into this mess. That wasn't what this post was about. Therefore, I don't feel your comments pertained to my circumstance.

 

I don't hate xMM. He didn't trick me into bed. I just see him for the slimeball he is.

Edited August 26, 2013 by Coolit

[Coolit]

Im sorry, always growing. Your posts a very good and I will think on them. Im just feeling a little defensive because infeel justified in my train of thought today what with hubby thinking about a meetup and a birthday party we will be attending where the OC will be.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Coolit, you talk about a crazy woman living inside of you.

 

It reminds me of the story of the White Wolf and Black Wolf...both live inside of us...the one that wins...is the one we feed.

 

So, I guess for me...to dwell on things that are done is feeding the wrong wolf. Sure, we all need to process what we have done, the 5W's. There comes a time..when we need to start feeding the White Wolf...our future...our new self.