cleoelliptical Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 I've been dating someone for the past 5 months, and he isn't exactly perfect, but he's honest and special. He's always been friends with a lot of girls, and a few months ago one of them asked him to go to Romania to stay with her family. I have never met her, and she recently got divorced, or his own mom, or been away with him. And the crazy part is she is paying for everything. The only reason I found out is when I overheard him talking about it to his friend at a party, and I told him he couldn't go. The thing is, he only sees it as a buddy-buddy trip, and he's very low in funds. So one day I said he could go, slept on it, realized it would eat me up inside to know that he is sharing something so intimate with another woman that I said no to it the next day. We fought, and he admitted he was being selfish by not being considerate to my feelings for the trip made me uncomfortable, but their was nothing romantic between them at all. And he didn't need my permission, but wanted my blessing. And he's also going to miss our first New Year's together. So after fighting some more, I finally compromised and said he has to do seven things for me. I haven't shown him yet, but here's my list: The Seven Things I Promised To Do For My Absolutely Wonderful & Amazing Girlfriend Who Should Be Treated With Total Respect and Decency, Yet Sometimes I Can Be So Stinky To Her & I’m Also Going Away With Another Woman & Missing Our First New Year’s Together, So These Seven Things Will Do Cuz I’m So Incredibly Lucky To Have Her & It Will Make Her So Very Happy & Calmer & Not Wanna Tear A New Hole In Me List 1. A floral arrangement that involves a meaning for each flower to replace those dead ones I got for her from flaky out on every single thing we planned to do one weekend 2. Meeting my mom to make up for the fact that she had no idea who she was 3. Cuz I’m being selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate by going on this trip when it makes her uncomfortable and unhappy, a getaway at either the Montauk Manor in Montauk or the Hudson Hotel in NYC, between now & before my trip with another woman 4. Buying a Calling Card to call her every other day in Romania and especially on New Year’s at Midnight not only because she knows I’ve kissed other woman during that event, but since I can’t kiss her on New Year’s I can call her. 5. I am never going away with another woman (not including blood relatives) after this trip unless she can come or it’s for business or getting school credit purposes because I should always make the effort to include her in my travel destinations. 6. Try to find another means to alleviate my stress besides “I know what,” such as writing in a journal, taking a walk, or dealing with the situation, only cuz she cares about my well-being, it should be recreational, and I don’t wanna be one of those punks as depicted on after-school commercials. I know this will take time to do, but I will make the effort. 7. I will get her nice jewelry from Romania (or at least in the Bahamas cuz I can get amazing deals down there) to show that she is truly such a precious and remarkable jewel. And since I’m trying to make it up to her, and show that I will make good on my word and that I am serious and trustworthy, she will hold onto my passport till I’ve done the first three of the above-mentioned things I promised to do. Please let me know what you think about this whole situation and my list of requests. Thank you Everyone!
hulavie Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 He seems sincere in my opinion.... I've got no probs with what your boyfriend is doing on the condition that if i was in your position maybe that girl should know that you are his gf.... does she know. It seems easier for me to pick faults with her in this story.... what's her business introducing her family to him, and of all times, new years????
Author cleoelliptical Posted November 12, 2004 Author Posted November 12, 2004 Though I've never spoken to her, he tells me she says hello while I'm on the phone with him; they are classmates who've gone back to school at a much later age. Though I do speculate that she may have some feelings for him that developed in the past year since she's been going through a bad divorce. She doesn't have many friends I believe, and she is from Romania. Is is a eastern european (no offense to europeans) thing to invite and pay for attached members of the opposite sex to a vacation in a distant land?
hulavie Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Heck.... he's paying for him to go visit? Since he's expenses are covered, if you were to go along it would just be one persons expenses which could be split between you and your bf. Unless he has wonderful reasons why he must make this trip to see her alone this particular time. Anyway, if he's really going to her family house, it doesn't sound that bad, after all as you say they go a long way back to growing up years. if both of them were going to some holiday spot then there would be more worries.... Just my two cents.
Artifact Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 No matter what her or his intent is with the trip, the list is a little crazy. You assume he is kissing another girl on New Year's, you make him admit to things that may not be true ("I am selfish, disrespectful and inconsiderate"), you insist on meeting his mother first (which seems like an issue unrelated to this particular event), you want him to take you on a trip to one of two places before he leaves... should he really have to spend a lot of money on hotels, flowers and jewelry as a "get out of jail free" pass? It seems like you should be able to talk to him about this trip, your relationship with him, and ask to meet this woman before they go. When you are talking to him in general about the relationship (how serious it is after 5 months), ask when he thinks you could meet his mother. Suggest you two go away together for some one on one time before he leaves, as a pre-New Year's Eve party, tell him you loved it the last time he gave you flowers, jewelry, whatever. Tell him you will be looking forward to frequent calls from Romania. I wouldn't make him sign a contract of things he has to do for you before he goes. He may resent it. But, after all this, if you still decide you don't want him to go, tell him honestly. If he insists on going, tell him you can talk about your relationship when he returns...
Author cleoelliptical Posted November 12, 2004 Author Posted November 12, 2004 Wow...thank you for your perspectives...your comments really help. I was just trying to find the normalcy in this situation. I guess making this list was a response to some other issues we've had in the past with deception which made me a little less trusting. I guess I'll drop the list idea. Though I offered to take him to Egypt; This trip will make him happy, and how often do opportunities like this ever come along. But it hasn't always been an issue of trust. Sure they've slept in the same bed together from partying (not while we were together) And he's cheated on one girl in the past. Maybe I am just upset when he showed how ungung-ho he was about a trip with me, and gung-ho about a trip with her. And though it has only been 5 months, I have helped him with many things that I can honestly say go above and beyond the call of being a good girlfriend. Maybe I am looking for a show of gratitude other than a thank-you. But you are right. My list is crazy. I guess all I can do is meet her, and hope they're not sleeping in the same bed. HA!
Author cleoelliptical Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 So I ended things with him last night. I knew that I was compromising myself as I was him. He willingly traded the worth of our relationship for this trip. But I was honest, and told him that I was not happy, and he didn't care. But I want to thank you for making me realize that I shouldn't have to demand things, I should be with someone that wants to care for me as I do them. I did like him though, but it wasn't enough to keep a blind eye and see what else he wanted to get away with. He repeatedly admits that he was a bad boyfriend, but didn't try to do anything about it. I know he doesn't have a lot of money, and even if he did, I never asked for much of anything. But this was one gesture that could have showed me that he respected me and my comfort, and wouldn't have cost him anything. So to all the woman out there, be with someone who values you, not someone who easily sweeps your efforts under the mat for a shiny nickel. Thank you again.
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