Marriage Counseling

[cozycottagelg]

I think we are trying MC...can someone tell me what I might expect at the first visit?

[PoopHappens]

i just went for the first time. In our case she went for one session and went a week later. Kinda of he says, she says arrangement. Now we will both go. To let us both air out and for the MC to get an idea of where the real problems are. Lots of basic questions. For me it was already worth it as the MC validated one of my major concerns, something my wife seems to think is just fine and can't understand why I am against it.

[cozycottagelg]

I'm afraid it is a giant waste of time. I'd like to think it is helpful, but I just don't see a third party fixing anything. I told my husband I'd try, but was honest that I didn't have much fight left in me.

 

I feel like it will be my husband talking, non-stop...

 

Any insight on what questions specifically I may be asked?

[RightThere]

I'm afraid it is a giant waste of time. I'd like to think it is helpful, but I just don't see a third party fixing anything. I told my husband I'd try, but was honest that I didn't have much fight left in me.

 

I feel like it will be my husband talking, non-stop...

 

Any insight on what questions specifically I may be asked?

 

First session hopefully should be about 2 hours (1 hour is too short). The counselor will just want to get to know the both of you more. Talk about your history (parents, upbringing). They'll talk about your relationship, how you met, getting married, kids, etc. They'll ask about what the problems you see in the marriage are.

 

Nothing will come out of the first session. Both you and your husband will probably hear things from each other that you've heard a dozen times before. Might be a few nuggets here and there, but probably very little.

 

The danger I've found with marriage counselling is that you'll both come in with expectations. He'll probably come in thinking "She's the one that's broken. Fix her. I'm fine." You'll probably come in thinking "This is a waste of time. I'll go through the motions but we're not going to discuss anything I haven't told him a million times before."

 

Some counselors are useless. They follow a script and just watch the time roll by.

 

My advice is remember two things if you want to get anything from it:

 

1) Go into the session with a goal. Something you want to make sure and discuss, make sure everyone understands how you feel about it, and possibly get towards a resolution on. Even if that's "I want a divorce" make sure you say it, discuss it, and get towards a resolution on.

 

2) Go in with an open mind. Don't look at it from the sense that your spouse is the one who needs to get something from it. Your marriage is broken, you carry some of the blame. When asked, communicate what you are not getting. But when your spouse talks, look at what you are doing to cause some of that problem and what you can to better. You'll probably think you are already doing some of the right things, but try to think of what you can do different.

[RightThere]

I told my husband I'd try, but was honest that I didn't have much fight left in me.

 

I've noticed you talk a lot about not having any fight left in you. But you also haven't left your husband.

 

How would you feel if he suddenly came in, guns blazing, saying he was going to fight like hell for you, and fight for your marriage? Is he normally a pretty passive guy?

 

It just resonates with me because I know my wife felt (feels) the same. She was looking for a fight from me to show that I desire and want her.

[KathyM]

The first session is usually an intake session, where your counselor will get background information mostly. Such as each of you will talk briefly about your history, your childhood, and the progression of your marriage, leading to the point you are at now. What you each perceive as the problems in your relationship. What each perceives as your goals in your relationship. Your counselor will probably explain his modality in treating couples, and explain his office policies and orient you to how he does things. Those things are what will take up the first session. Orientation and goal setting. The real work of exploring the relationship dynamic and working on new behavior patterns will come in the middle part of therapy, so don't get discouraged if there isn't progress early on. And don't get discouraged if the counselor appears too neutral for your liking and doesn't take your side. It is important for him to be a "friend to the couple" and not to alienate either party in order to be able to build a good therapeutic relationship with both parties. Once a good therapeutic relationship is established with both of you, and empathy is given to both of you for what you are each experiencing in the relationship, the counselor may start to challenge dysfunctional thinking or behaviors, but don't expect that to happen right away. I think one thing that frustrates people first entering into MC is that they expect the therapist to take their side first off, and challenge the "wayward partner" and agree with the complainant. Doesn't work that way. The counselor needs to establish trust with both clients as a first thing and not take sides. Later on in therapy, during the working stage, your counselor will likely challenge dysfunctional beliefs/behaviors. But his main focus will be on building new patterns of interacting/behaving that will benefit the relationship. Good luck. Don't get discouraged early on.

[cozycottagelg]

I've noticed you talk a lot about not having any fight left in you. But you also haven't left your husband.

 

How would you feel if he suddenly came in, guns blazing, saying he was going to fight like hell for you, and fight for your marriage? Is he normally a pretty passive guy?

 

It just resonates with me because I know my wife felt (feels) the same. She was looking for a fight from me to show that I desire and want her.

 

He is doing that. Begged me to stay. Said he was going to fight and never give up.

 

I think that's part of what makes this so hard. I feel so done, and I don't want to give him false hope. But I also feel like I owe it to our marriage to at least go and explore the option. I owe it to him.

 

I wish I could be more hopeful...

[cozycottagelg]

Kathy and RightThere - Thank you for the detailed description. That is super helpful!

[RightThere]

Kathy and RightThere - Thank you for the detailed description. That is super helpful!

 

I can almost guarantee the counselor will end the session with the question of "What do you love about your spouse?"

 

Tries to leave you with a positive feeling about the relationship at the end of the first session. Might give you that glimmer of hope that some of those positive things can be used to rebuild on.

[GuyInLimbo]

Cozy, I admire you for at least trying. I'm also of the mind that if one is DONE, then it's a waste of time.

 

When you lay down at night, what do you really want? I'm sorry if I'm forgetful, but what was your main fear in telling him? Is it the kids or something else?

[cozycottagelg]

Cozy, I admire you for at least trying. I'm also of the mind that if one is DONE, then it's a waste of time.

 

When you lay down at night, what do you really want? I'm sorry if I'm forgetful, but what was your main fear in telling him? Is it the kids or something else?

 

I am not sure. Guilt I think. I never wanted to be divorced. I know that's so cliché to say, it certainly isn't anyone's intention when they get married.

 

I guess I struggle with making sure it's the right choice. I know it's the right choice for ME... but I need to make sure, if I'm done, I'm done. I don't want to put myself in a position where I waiver and my kids are confused. If I move out, I'm done. There is no going back. I think I stay to savor what's left of a single family unit.

[GuyInLimbo]

Totally understand!

[IndecisionIsTorture]

He is doing that. Begged me to stay. Said he was going to fight and never give up.

 

I think that's part of what makes this so hard. I feel so done, and I don't want to give him false hope. But I also feel like I owe it to our marriage to at least go and explore the option. I owe it to him.

 

I wish I could be more hopeful...

 

I am not sure. Guilt I think. I never wanted to be divorced. I know that's so cliché to say, it certainly isn't anyone's intention when they get married.

 

I guess I struggle with making sure it's the right choice. I know it's the right choice for ME... but I need to make sure, if I'm done, I'm done. I don't want to put myself in a position where I waiver and my kids are confused. If I move out, I'm done. There is no going back. I think I stay to savor what's left of a single family unit.

 

I've read yours and Guy's stories and I could've written them myself.

 

With that said, I'm in MC now and IC. Your guilt, your waivering....all resonates with me. In IC I told the counselor flat out, it's like going parachuting: you can be all gung-ho and know that it's REALLY something you want to do...right up until you have to take that last step.

 

The analogy breaks down of course, but that's the way I see myself, and you (from what I've read). You KNOW it's what you want, and that it's the right thing to do, but that last step is the hardest one.

 

If you're of the same mindset I am, MC won't help. You'll probably always view it as going through the motions. It sounds like you've already found a counselor, but I would encourage you to find one who doesn't view his/her job as saving the marriage, but rather to get you two talking openly and he/her as an independent facilitator. I think you should also tell your H going in that YOU are going to listen and to talk, but you do not have a predisposed goal of saving the marriage.

 

Guilt and fear are incredibly strong motivators. But at the end of the day I've asked myself, do I want to be an old man looking back and regreting that I only stayed married out of guilt? Out of fear?

 

Neither are sufficient reasons to remain married.

 

All advice that is easier for me to type in this box than to follow in my own life.

[carhill]

I think we are trying MC...can someone tell me what I might expect at the first visit?

IME, an overview of the process, along with a couple interview. In our case, our psychologist, based upon the interview, separated us for the next session, interviewing us alone on separate days, and then brought us back together for all subsequent sessions. IIRC, we did 40-45 sessions over our 14 months of MC.

[cozycottagelg]

I've read yours and Guy's stories and I could've written them myself.

 

With that said, I'm in MC now and IC. Your guilt, your waivering....all resonates with me. In IC I told the counselor flat out, it's like going parachuting: you can be all gung-ho and know that it's REALLY something you want to do...right up until you have to take that last step.

 

The analogy breaks down of course, but that's the way I see myself, and you (from what I've read). You KNOW it's what you want, and that it's the right thing to do, but that last step is the hardest one.

 

If you're of the same mindset I am, MC won't help. You'll probably always view it as going through the motions. It sounds like you've already found a counselor, but I would encourage you to find one who doesn't view his/her job as saving the marriage, but rather to get you two talking openly and he/her as an independent facilitator. I think you should also tell your H going in that YOU are going to listen and to talk, but you do not have a predisposed goal of saving the marriage.

 

Guilt and fear are incredibly strong motivators. But at the end of the day I've asked myself, do I want to be an old man looking back and regreting that I only stayed married out of guilt? Out of fear?

 

Neither are sufficient reasons to remain married.

 

All advice that is easier for me to type in this box than to follow in my own life.

 

I love this post. Thank you.

[GuyInLimbo]

But at the end of the day I've asked myself, do I want to be an old man looking back and regreting that I only stayed married out of guilt? Out of fear?

 

Neither are sufficient reasons to remain married.

 

All advice that is easier for me to type in this box than to follow in my own life.

 

That's it in a nutshell right there. You don't want that kind of regret when the end is near.

[licenseplate]

i was wondering of guyinlimbo and cozycottage could pm me .......I need someone to talk to.

 

Thanks