csandiegooo Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I met this guy online about a month ago. He lives in the city I am moving to, and it worked out that we got to meet about three weeks ago when I was there to apartment hunt. He and I connected really quickly and spent the day/night together. After that night, he said he wanted to see me again that weekend, but when I tried to make plans two other times, he was busy. He apologized and told me it just ended up being a crazy weekend, but that he really wanted to spend more time with me when I got back. We’ve been texting steadily these past few weeks, and I moved back to the city yesterday and really want to see him again. He knows the date I was back, though neither of us has brought it up in a while, and so I was really hoping he would initiate making plans for when I got back. But...our last text exchange was just some goofy stuff on Thursday night. Normally, we can go a few days between texts, but this seems like it should be an exception! So like I said, I arrived back yesterday, this time for good. Around noon, I texted him a picture of the "welcome" sign for the city, so he would know I was around, but would still need to come to me. And still, I haven't heard ANYTHING from him!!! I am disappointed and hurt and feeling very used. Why would any guy waste a month leading a girl on via text message, only to avoid her completely when she's actually back in his life (i.e. he could get laid!)?!?! I don't understand what sort of game leads to this end and I am so upset about it. So...1.) If he never texts me, what the heck happened?? 2.) If he does text me, how can I know he's not using me?
Treasa Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 The simple answer was that he used you for sex and possibly to alleviate boredom. The slightly more complicated answer is that he had fun with you, but then you started chasing, and chasing hard, and that turned him off. Stop talking to him. If he texts you, be cool and aloof. You're pretty busy, right? Anyway, once you stop chasing him, you'll quickly find out if he's truly interested or not. 7
Author csandiegooo Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 The simple answer was that he used you for sex and possibly to alleviate boredom. The slightly more complicated answer is that he had fun with you, but then you started chasing, and chasing hard, and that turned him off. Stop talking to him. If he texts you, be cool and aloof. You're pretty busy, right? Anyway, once you stop chasing him, you'll quickly find out if he's truly interested or not. Thanks for your feedback! I definitely felt we had a great connection so it's hard/sad for me to think that he used me...but certainly nevertheless possible! Also, could you elaborate on the concept of "chasing" a bit? I have a hard time recognizing this behavior in myself because I try to think of it as "pulling my own weight" in the relationship, but clearly I don't do it right haha! What sort of texts or expressions etc would be considered chasing and where is the line drawn between chasing and being "into it"? Sorry, I am always just confused about this topic and you seem like you know what you're talking about
Treasa Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I met this guy online about a month ago. He lives in the city I am moving to, and it worked out that we got to meet about three weeks ago when I was there to apartment hunt. He and I connected really quickly and spent the day/night together. After that night, he said he wanted to see me again that weekend, but when I tried to make plans two other times, he was busy. He apologized and told me it just ended up being a crazy weekend, but that he really wanted to spend more time with me when I got back. We’ve been texting steadily these past few weeks, and I moved back to the city yesterday and really want to see him again. He knows the date I was back, though neither of us has brought it up in a while, and so I was really hoping he would initiate making plans for when I got back. But...our last text exchange was just some goofy stuff on Thursday night. Normally, we can go a few days between texts, but this seems like it should be an exception! So like I said, I arrived back yesterday, this time for good. Around noon, I texted him a picture of the "welcome" sign for the city, so he would know I was around, but would still need to come to me. And still, I haven't heard ANYTHING from him!!! I am disappointed and hurt and feeling very used. Why would any guy waste a month leading a girl on via text message, only to avoid her completely when she's actually back in his life (i.e. he could get laid!)?!?! I don't understand what sort of game leads to this end and I am so upset about it. So...1.) If he never texts me, what the heck happened?? 2.) If he does text me, how can I know he's not using me? I highlighted the parts where I thought you chased and shouldn't have. If you two had fun together, let him make the next move. He knows when you arrived in his city. Your job is to be busy enjoying your own life and being happy. If the guy likes you, he will contact you. He will do the chasing. I'm not saying to do nothing, but when the girl does all the initiating, it's sort of a buzz kill for a lot of guys. Plus you make it too easy, and that's a turn off. Why spend any effort on someone who's practically throwing herself at you? Start dating other guys. Take up some hobbies, go to a gym, etc. 2
Star Gazer Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 Thanks for your feedback! I definitely felt we had a great connection so it's hard/sad for me to think that he used me...but certainly nevertheless possible! He didn't necessarily use you. Don't put the blame on him. You gave it up the first night and then chased him. Responsibility for his loss of interest doesn't lie with him... He knows you're in town. If he wants to see you again, he'll contact you and ask to see you. Don't contact him again. You just moved to a new town, and yet you're making seeing him a priority and showing him as much. That's not attractive, especially after only seeing him one time. I've made these mistakes; I'm speaking from unfortunate experience. 2
Author csandiegooo Posted August 26, 2013 Author Posted August 26, 2013 for instance, from your view point - you met this great guy, had a "great connections", spent the day/night together, were intimate. In your mind, you think you two will continue to see each other once you move there, perhaps date or become BF/GF, and that you have strong feelings/excitement for each other. However, on his end, he may have just viewed it as a fun "fling". I also dont think he used you per se either. He just met a girl, went out with her, had some fun, and really had no obligation to you. He didnt lie or brake any promises to you. that can be one of hte downfalls of being intimate with someone so soon before you know them well, or know what their intentions are. You're definitely right in terms of me projecting my feelings onto the situation...I know I was very excited about things and saw potential for something more! Though I still do feel lied to...he told me repeatedly that he wanted to see me and to spend more time with me when I got back. Obviously he had no obligation to do so, but why say those things when he had such an easy out to just break contact by not texting me at all this month? Oh well :/
jcrew11 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 He might have a girlfriend or might be meeting/dating additional girls online as well. Hot guys usually have a lot of extra girlfriends
Author csandiegooo Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Bumping this because he did text me today saying “Where are you? Come over?” It was before 6PM so not exactly a booty call, but not exactly NOT a booty call. So, obviously I think I should wait a few days to text him like you guys said…but when I do, what do I even say? I want him to feel like if he wants to see me, they have to be more serious plans, i.e. not “drop everything you’re doing” plans. So what kind of texts still keep him interested and make him want to "chase" while not seeming too blow-off-y or straight up mad?
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Bumping this because he did text me today saying “Where are you? Come over?” It was before 6PM so not exactly a booty call, but not exactly NOT a booty call. So, obviously I think I should wait a few days to text him like you guys said…but when I do, what do I even say? I want him to feel like if he wants to see me, they have to be more serious plans, i.e. not “drop everything you’re doing” plans. So what kind of texts still keep him interested and make him want to "chase" while not seeming too blow-off-y or straight up mad? Text him that you were busy and had your phone turned off. ( this could be a date, a meeting, a movie, surgery whatever so no more info ) sorry to have missed him. Move went well and you are settling in. Give you a ring when he wants to get together/make plans next time. 5
Versacehottie Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Follow what "it-is-what-it-is" says. I would reply tomorrow. Basically you appear not to be playing games by answering in a relatively timely manner. But you don't jump to it the moment he's ready to see you, to plant the idea in his head that: *you have other priorities *you ALSO could be on your own date with someone else ****this applies in your current situation (past few days) with this guy. He didn't jump so why should you. You can go back to quicker responses if he starts to show more attentiveness. I wouldn't explain or make up a story of where you were today at 6pm. Just don't bring it up. Like she said, just say "oh sorry i missed your call, my phone was turned off". Or don't even say that just talk about "yeah it would be good to get together". Then let him suggest a new plan. What's good about this is: it is an opportunity to clarify with him that you are special and that he should want to do the basic (let's face it they ARE basic steps) in order to see you. No special talk necessary. Hold back a little FOR REAL to suss out what his REAL VALUE is. 2
FitChick Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 You're in a new city and excited. You want to get to know your new "stomping ground" and what does he suggest? Go online and see what is happening in the arts, music, etc., and say that sounds like fun. Give him a chance to invite you. If he only wants you to see the inside of his bedroom, drop him. You have a whole city of new guys to meet! 1
mortensorchid Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Sorry to hear this. But, it happens. Move on and forget him, whatever the truth may be about why he didn't return your calls/texts.
Author csandiegooo Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 Would it be a bad call to call him out on this being a booty call? If I said something like "Sorry--I'm not a booty call, but if you want to make plans I'm free this weekend" would that be taken as sticking up for myself or just being a jerk?
coffeebean201 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 at the end of the day, you want to find a guy who is going to be your best friend (a sexy best friend). if you aren't enjoying what he is putting you through, then it is easier to hold your ground when he sends you one of his little last minute texts:) 1
supaflyz Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 I don't want to say he use you for sex, but it sounds like it. You spent a night with him, and then all of sudden he busy. Now he disappeared.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Would it be a bad call to call him out on this being a booty call? If I said something like "Sorry--I'm not a booty call, but if you want to make plans I'm free this weekend" would that be taken as sticking up for myself or just being a jerk? I think you basically have three choices. 1. Do not reply at all, he will either respond or not and you decide what, if anything, you want to do. 2. Reply like I wrote in some form, assume it was not intentionally a booty call, but accept no less than an official date moving forward. 3. Call him out on his booty call behavior and end it. No mixing of choices allowed. 1
myothernic2 Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Good lord. If this creep made any LESS of an effort toward you, he'd be in a coma. So you're brand new to the city, just moved in, and you get a lame text telling you to 'come over?' I'd tell him to shove his LAME invitation right up his ass. Exactly. He didn't even make the effort to put in there other things that would fit that probable intent, such as "let's watch a movie at my place". 1
Versacehottie Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Would it be a bad call to call him out on this being a booty call? If I said something like "Sorry--I'm not a booty call, but if you want to make plans I'm free this weekend" would that be taken as sticking up for myself or just being a jerk? I wouldn't say this. Just don't accept his invitation to go to his house. That's rude of him. You just moved to the city and haven't really dated this guy yet. He should be offering to show you cool places, restaurants, etc. BUT FOR SURE do not say but if you want to make plans i'm free this weekend? That's the same as asking him out. In fact it may be worse because it is so open-ended, like serving yourself up on a platter. Be strong! The only guy worth having is one that is willing to treat you well. They know what to do to get it right. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 i guess a good way to look at it is to treat the next time you interact as he is at SQUARE ONE. Don't bring up the past invitation. Sunday's over and done with. Think of it as that invite to his house has passed. Clean slate. He has to start over and suggest new plan. If it is same choice, come to his house, you should decline. 1
Treasa Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 No, don't call him out on it. If you do, it will show him how much his actions control your emotions. And they shouldn't. Besides, he either knows he wasn't acting well, in which case he doesn't need you to point it out, or he'll see you as being nagging or clingy. If you do want to give him another shot, just reply with, "I wasn't available to see or reply to your message last night. You can call me if you come up with something you'd like to do, and I'll see if it works with my schedule. :)" 2
HappyLove Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 You seem like a smart go getter. Don't let this guy play you. He doesn't respond then out of the blue 'where are you come over'! He has some nerve. Don't bring it up, just chalk this up to a learning experience to slow down, especially if your going to get hurt. Ask yourself, is this really how you want to be treated in a relationship? I hope that answer is no. If I were you I'd put my effort into meeting and dating other men. If this fool really wants to date you let him put in the effort and ask you on a real date. Then you can think about it, but don't chase him anymore. He basically knows your nose is wide open and you've been sweating him so he feels he can treat you any way he wants. But you've got news for him. Your at an exciting time in your life get out there and live it go meet some new people and maybe catch yourself a new man who will RESPECT you!
Versacehottie Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 Hmmmmm, I tend to believe that guys are not perfect and do make mistakes. They are confused too. AND i'm a strong believer that they will TEST you at the beginning. Just like a kid they want to see that you have boundaries and limits. It makes you more attractive them, ie a girl with standards is infinitely hotter than one who will let a guy treat her like a doormat. It's up to you to show a guy that side of you. From the moment you start interacting with one, they are giving you opportunities to show this side of you. It's not being a bitch or aloof or unnatural to who you are. If you tend to be a nicer person who is flexible, realize you have to hold back more than another girl would. So I wouldn't write him off if you actually believe you have a connection that's real. However, it's good practice for you with guys and in life to demand better of people. You don't have to have serious, drama-filled conversations but do so with your ACTIONS. Make sure he is giving you at least as much as you are giving him....preferably MORE. 2
Negative Nancy Posted August 27, 2013 Posted August 27, 2013 If this creep made any LESS of an effort toward you, he'd be in a coma. I've been wanting to say this for a long time, but I love your posts, forum lurker / stilletto heels You remind me alot of myself Don't ever leave this forum, your posts are too hilarious 4
Author csandiegooo Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 The saga continues hahaha! I got a "Hey" text earlier today followed by a "What are you up to?" when I didn't respond for a few hours. I still haven't responded, but I feel like I should say something tonight to avoid seeming like I am ignoring him mean-spiritedly... I'll tell him sorry I've been busy, like you guys suggested. And then something like "If you've got something better than 'come over' I'll let you know if I'm free" -- But I know referencing his earlier text is probably not seeming as disenchanted with him as I should if I want him to take me seriously. So maybe "Sorry I've been crazy busy. But yeah let's see each other soon/Let me know when you want to make plans." Thanks everyone for all of your wisdom/ideas/opinions! <3 This is seriously the most helpful place on the internet, haha!
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