Ravensfeather Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I am not sure if this is in the right area, but here goes nothing. I am so lost as I have no one to talk to. I'm embarrassed to talk to family or friends about the subject and can't talk to him About mid January of this year, I found out that my husband had been posting ads on craigslist looking for women to talk to (I hate Craigslist so much...) I had known at a previous time that he was posting ads and had asked him to stop a couple times before before because I didn't feel comfortable with how flirty he was when he talked to other women. This was about a year ago and he said that he was going to. Come January he left his phone at home when he went to work, so I took a look at his emails and texts to make sure he was keeping up with his promise. (I understand that is a lack of trust, but after having to ask him twice already, I had to know.) Anyway, when I looked at his phone I found that he had been posting ads again and talking to women. I asked to have the passwords to his email accounts because he swore that all the conversations were platonic, but having seen part of the emails I knew he was lying already about that. When he finally gave me access to one of the accounts (he had 4) I saw that he had deleted most of the emails that were not platonic in nature.... he was talking about meeting up, waking up thinking about them, being naked etc. And I found out this emailing and texting had been going on the entire time that we've been dating. He was talking about meeting up with a girl right around the time of our wedding even! After staying at a friends house for a week we decided to work things out. He deleted all of the extra email accounts and gave me the passwords to the only ones he had left and said that I could ask for his phone or who he was texting anytime. Fast forwarding to this month, it's been about 7 months since this all went down. I still have the urge to always check his phone, feeling like he will start up again. The trust is definitely not back in the relationship. It almost feels like I'm just waiting for him to leave an email or a text or some sort of evidence that leads to him talking to others again and I hate this feeling. I check his phone sometimes after he goes to sleep, mostly because I'm embarrassed to want to ask to see it after 7 months. I did see he has a contact in his favorites that is only named Z. It's saved onto his phone as apposed to being saved to an account so I know that it's a new contact ( we just got these phones 3 months ago) But I don't see any calls or texts from or to this person. I really feel like I'm being overly paranoid and would appreciate any help /advice from those who have been in this situation. I feel broken, like I never was good enough for him in the first place that he has to talk to others while he was with me. :'(
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I feel broken, like I never was good enough for him in the first place that he has to talk to others while he was with me. :'( I doubt it has anything at all to do with you. He would be this way no matter who he was with. Guys who do this, do it no matter who they are with. 1
Midnight_Princess Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I am not sure if this is in the right area, but here goes nothing. I am so lost as I have no one to talk to. I'm embarrassed to talk to family or friends about the subject and can't talk to him About mid January of this year, I found out that my husband had been posting ads on craigslist looking for women to talk to (I hate Craigslist so much...) I had known at a previous time that he was posting ads and had asked him to stop a couple times before before because I didn't feel comfortable with how flirty he was when he talked to other women. This was about a year ago and he said that he was going to. Come January he left his phone at home when he went to work, so I took a look at his emails and texts to make sure he was keeping up with his promise. (I understand that is a lack of trust, but after having to ask him twice already, I had to know.) Anyway, when I looked at his phone I found that he had been posting ads again and talking to women. I asked to have the passwords to his email accounts because he swore that all the conversations were platonic, but having seen part of the emails I knew he was lying already about that. When he finally gave me access to one of the accounts (he had 4) I saw that he had deleted most of the emails that were not platonic in nature.... he was talking about meeting up, waking up thinking about them, being naked etc. And I found out this emailing and texting had been going on the entire time that we've been dating. He was talking about meeting up with a girl right around the time of our wedding even! After staying at a friends house for a week we decided to work things out. He deleted all of the extra email accounts and gave me the passwords to the only ones he had left and said that I could ask for his phone or who he was texting anytime. Fast forwarding to this month, it's been about 7 months since this all went down. I still have the urge to always check his phone, feeling like he will start up again. The trust is definitely not back in the relationship. It almost feels like I'm just waiting for him to leave an email or a text or some sort of evidence that leads to him talking to others again and I hate this feeling. I check his phone sometimes after he goes to sleep, mostly because I'm embarrassed to want to ask to see it after 7 months. I did see he has a contact in his favorites that is only named Z. It's saved onto his phone as apposed to being saved to an account so I know that it's a new contact ( we just got these phones 3 months ago) But I don't see any calls or texts from or to this person. I really feel like I'm being overly paranoid and would appreciate any help /advice from those who have been in this situation. I feel broken, like I never was good enough for him in the first place that he has to talk to others while he was with me. :'( You dont see any calls or texts cause hes deleting them. You are not being paranoid and i think you know it. What made you stay after the first time?? 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 A guy who does this all through dating you, all through the engagement, right up to the wedding, then continues after you're married has some pretty deep-seated problem with it. What hobbies/interests does he have? I am guessing this is what he does with his spare time. Meeting other women on craigslist is his hobby.
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 You are definitely not being paranoid. My xbf was doing the same thing (and much worse) but kept it well hidden from me for several years. I wish I had those years of my life back. Where there is smoke there is fire. You have just discovered an awful lot of smoke. This won't magically get better on its own no matter what he says. He's lied to you repeatedly, and if he is spending his free time sexting and exchanging dirty emails with Craigslist women, I can almost guarantee you that there is more he is doing that you don't know about. Or maybe this is as far as its gone- so far. "So far" being the key words in that sentence. He will escalate and graduate to worse and worse behavior if he hasn't already. You are not being paranoid. Please consider taking a long break from this relationship to get your head clear. I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. You don't deserve it and you didn't cause this behavior in him. He is not ok- he needs help. You can't help him. It sucks and I'm sorry for your pain. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 When you're reconciling from infidelity, one of the most basic tenets is transparency. You should not remotely feel guilty for checking up on him. He violated your trust and has to reearn that trust. The phrase that may help you is, trust but verify. When you investigate and find nothing, you both win. Reconciliation is said to take 2-5 years, so at 7 months you're quite early into that process. Personally, I don't think you should have reconciled after the second time you caught him. You taught him that you can catch him and you'll stay. I don't believe that expression, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But I do believe the follow-up, "Twice a cheater, always a cheater." If I had to guess, I'd say he has a second phone. By the way, do you have access to the phone records/phone bill? That can help you see if he's deleting phone calls and texts. 1
MidwestUSA Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 None of his problems are a result of anything you have or haven't done. He is cheating, is addicted to porn, masturbates but turns you down when you initiate sex. He is a very broken man. Are your thoughts of having a child with him on hold? He needs help, as do you, to determine why you put up with someone who so blatantly has no boundaries. My gut feeling is that he can't be fixed, but you can save yourself by continuing therapy, getting a grip on depression and deciding that this is not behavior you are going to tolerate. So sorry you are going thru this, good luck! 1
ChooseTruth Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I agree with everyone else...and DON'T GET PREGNANT!
Coolit Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 My H doesn't check up on me that I know... But if he did I wouldn't get mad. I wouldn't be "you don't trust me, whaaaaa". Id get it because Well, i cheated! I read your other post today and will say this. If you feel ready to walk away. Do so with your head held high. But if you want to try again do that with your head held high as well. Oh and kick your MC to the curb and find another one if you choose the second. If I were you I'd get out. And that is coming from a fww who is very thankful for her second chance.
Author Ravensfeather Posted August 27, 2013 Author Posted August 27, 2013 First of all, thank you to everyone who has replied to my posting. I stayed the first time because it was early in the marriage and I really wanted to make this work. I wanted to fight for our marriage. He seemed genuinely hurt and guilty this last time especially when I told him that if it happens again I am gone. He went to counseling alone, we never did MC because he said that it was his problem and we didn't need to go together. I've gotten the number for this Z contact, though I'm kind of afraid to find out who will be on the other end of it. I've also tried seeing the log of texts and calls on the internet, but we have sprint and for me to see just the log of numbers and dates I have to sign a paper and pretty much subpoena them. I'm afraid since he's the main person on the account he would then find out I'd requested them. I have also investigated an app that sends the stuff from his phone to mine, but I really question the use of it and cannot find one that would be completely invisible. He doesn't really have hobbies, except for work he is usually with me, so I don't think he's physically cheating on me. I also don't think he has another phone, but i suppose it could be possible that he has one he uses at work.
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