Sad to fall within BU statistics (long read.Would appreciate replies age 35+)

[KarmaComa]

It’s my first post in here and after reading and reading many similar posts, I felt I would like to share my story with you, to vent, to ask for some thoughts, and to contribute to the community….

 

In a nutshell so you get the basics:

 

Her 43- 3 kids (ages 9 and older) kinda “trophy” wife, still very beautiful, married to a controlling millionaire (aka the “Golden Cage”). No money of her own, no good family to support her.

 

Me 43- single, good looking, well educated, quite experienced. Several relationships over the years, some 3-4 years, some more some less. Easy going, fun and calm person. Financial stable (not a millionaire).

 

Met her through common friend at a time when she was thinking to get a divorce after 20 years of marriage to a controlling/verbal abusing husband who kept her in a Golden Cage. (never let her out his sight, never let her go out alone, was critising her friends, alienated her from everybody, you get the story she just became “mom”).

 

I did supported her a lot –hours and hours of talking. She got the strength through me and finally decided and gathered the strength and told him to break up. All hell broke loose by the rich husband (threatened her/begged cried pleaded etc.). Finally he decided to let her move out of the house and take the kids with her. He told her that its better for them to be apart until she makes up her mind before they sign the divorce papers. She did move out, and he paid for the rent of the new house plus the all the kids schools, ballet, etc. He was always –as she told me- a father only through money, never paid real attention to his kids. He also gave her to sign a paper saying that she waives all rights to claim any of his millions. She signed it in a heartbeat. (She is very proud, and always says as long as he pays for the kids I don’t want anything for myself.)

 

During the time she moved out, and for the next 9 months that followed, he made many attempts to ask her to give him a second chance. I saw her being hesitant. I calmly advised her to give him a second chance –for Christ’s sake he was her husband- . I also told her, that I will leave her be and will not interfere. She lever left. She told me that I am her strength, she valued my advices, I am her calm haven, her lover, her other half. She needs me etc. So with these minor hick-ups 9 months passed. We went holidays together all beautiful. Sexually super compatible, deep communication.Hours of talking and laughing.

 

Beginning of August, her husband, made another come-back. Hard this time. He gave her an ultimatum so she can decide until the end of august if she would like to reconsider, other wise he would proceed the divorce on his own..

 

So beginning of August, I felt in the air that something is wrong. She asked me for a few days to think alone. I complied. We weren’t living together (I didn’t think is good for her kids to meet me at this point since all is “fliud” so I never met them) just meeting almost day after day. Then after two days pause the dreadful sentence “I will pass by your house I need to talk”. She came by. She told me that after a controlling/abusive marriage of 23 years she immediately went to another relationship with me…directly. And this as much as she loved also made her feel again “in a relationship”, although I was the best partner/lover one woman could have. (sugarcoating).

 

But she said she’s 42, she never went out alone as a woman with her friends and she misses the “air” of Freedom!! She needs to filrt with other people. She needs it for her sanity. She was Like a an animal in a cage for years. And that she has decided to walk this road alone.

 

Without him (she decided to tell him to go through the divorce) but also without me.

 

She would like her time to feel free. BUT she kept asking that she cannot stand to lose me. I am more than a boyfriend/ex I am her haven, her warm embrace, the voice of reason and the always kind and understanding person that always gave her the best advice and that without me she would be lost. I told her in my sincerity that I respect her decision and that I will leave her be. I told her that I cannot be her friend and that in case she faces any trouble with the divorce process I would be there to help her.

 

So I went NC, gracefully.

 

Then my torture starts.

2 days NC she starts texting “I miss u just saying hello”. I replied generic “Thank you for your message good day”. Back to NC. After 5 days second text. “was thinking of you and wanting to say hi” after 5 hours I send back a generic reply “Your message came as a surprise. Good afternoon to you too. “

 

after 3 days another text “I would like next week to come over your house so you can please fix my cellphone, something doesn’t seem right”

after 7 hours I replied “I am away for holidays. We’ll talk and at some point I can fix that.”

 

Next day a text from her best friend (also a friend of mine) (also 42) “hey just checking with you how are you? We should get some coffee some time” my reply “yes lets talk some time and we arrange it”

 

5 days pass. Last Friday night. I receive a looooong text from her. “I want to come by your house to see you to see how you are (no mention about fixing the cell phone this time). I told her. “ok, come by in Sunday noon for a coffee. (I deliberately skipped Saturday”). She answered “Oh !!! I wasn’t expecting so soon…. I am not sure I can this Sunday, but will let you know”. I replied “ok, if you can on Sunday its ok, if not, maybe some other time….”

And then she freaked out “why are you distant? Why are you cold? You are not in Facebook any more ( I stopped all traffic in my wall and blocked her newsfeed. And I have NEVER ever since the intial BU checked her page. I am a strong-will character). “I need you (!!!) I want to feel you close to me. You are my special one. We have a history. I don’t want to lose you. “Please just talk to me. Don’t just reply to me as if you’re bothered” “why you haven’t even asked me how am I doing?” to all which I replied “You made your choice, I respect it, simple as that, I can NEVER be your “buddy”. She replied “I don’t want you to be my “buddy”.” I want you to be close to me to talk to me to say even “hi “ to me. I don’t want to lose you” (Nothing about reconciliation).

 

I politely said that we should talk on Sunday when we met.

 

Sunday comes. She texts “Dammit! Unfortunately I wont be able to make it today. Can I text you and reschedule another day? Please?” I replied “ok, we talk some other time and we’ll see” . She said “ thank you kisses xxx”

 

And now the best for last!!!

A little thing inside my head was telling me that something is wrong . So I called my best guy- friend who is also a common good friend of her too. I asked him if he keeps contact with her .

 

He said not really. And then immediately told me. “but some thing weird happened LAST WEEK. She text me in FB while we were talking about other stuff, that she has a new boyfriend (rebound?) and that she would like to introduce him to me (my beds friend) at some point.”!!!!!!!! She never asked him about me, nor did she told him that he shouldn’t say anything to me!!!!

 

This news hit me like a ton of Bricks!!!!....... this news was from LAST WEEK and just 2 days ago she was telling me the “I need you” BS…… My friend told me that he didn’t say anything to me, not to be the bearer of bad news….. Told him that as a good friend he should do the contrary and give me all info. . We are adults, not kids.

 

That’s my story. I am crushed, but also feel confused. A part of me was hoping for reconciliation. bUt now… I don’t know how to react. Just disappear , (in the next days she WILL contact me again to set up a new meet. I DON’T WANT TO GO.)

 

The thing that bugs me Why did she spread the news indirectly about her new BF and not directly to me . We are broken up and she can do whatever she wants. She could tell me directly. Or why did she even had to give the news?? Whats the point.?

 

I still have feelings for her. But need to move on. Should I just reply when she contacts politely asking her to please leave be (stating the fact about the BF) , or just disappear and never reply again. In my age (43) not replying –even in negative way - is very rude. …..

 

Thank you for your time reading my story.

[Mint Sauce]

In my age (43) not replying –even in negative way - is very rude. …..

 

Sorry, but no aspect of this story sounds mature and appropriate for 40-somethings, so don't worry about being rude at 43...

 

You need a wake-up call, so I'll give you my opinion rather harshly:

 

Your ex sounds like a co-dependent spoilt brat who found a co-dependent doormat to ease her through her divorce.

 

All parties involved need to grow up, preferably far away from each other.

By the way, you nicely avoided stating that you were an OM in an affair with a married woman. I'd recommend you find out where you lost your dignity and morals.

[KarmaComa]

Sorry, but no aspect of this story sounds mature and appropriate for 40-somethings, so don't worry about being rude at 43...

 

You need a wake-up call, so I'll give you my opinion rather harshly:

 

Your ex sounds like a co-dependent spoilt brat who found a co-dependent doormat to ease her through her divorce.

 

All parties involved need to grow up, preferably far away from each other.

By the way, you nicely avoided stating that you were an OM in an affair with a married woman. I'd recommend you find out where you lost your dignity and morals.

 

Firstly thank you for your time to read my story. Although harsh, i believe you're right in most.

 

I need to stay away and calibrate again myself....