nodakguy Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 Hello everyone. Just found this site today and was amazed with some of the discussion going on, so I thought I'd post my own scenario to try to get some input, since I haven't been able to bring myself to tell anyone else about what's going through my mind. Here's the scenario. I've been on an online dating site for about a year and a half. I've been really particular about the kind of person I was looking for, and while I've met a number of people, I'd really only seriously dated one woman for about 6 months. I ended it because after that long, I knew that the feelings I wasn't having for her were never going to come. On a whim about a month and a half ago, I sent an email to a woman who's profile just kinda caught my attention. She didn't have a photo posted, but I got a reply the next day and she told me a little more about herself, and included a few. From what I read and what I saw, I knew I wanted to get to know her a little better. She later explained that her sister-in-law, whom she's living with currently (more on that later), had set the profile up for her one night for fun and she went along with it for fun. After exchanging several emails, I could tell this woman really had character, and a lot of the qualities I find really attractive; wit, solid family background, education, sass, etc. We both wanted to meet, and she was going to be in town in a few days (she's about an hour away). We met for drinks/appetizers and what I figured would be an hour meeting turned into three. As I walked her out to her car, I took her hand and told her how glad I was that I'd changed my plans so we could meet. I wanted to play it cool and just give her a big hug, but before I knew what was happening, she planted a sweet peck on me. She got in her car and left. Within minutes, she was calling me on my cell phone apologizing for what she'd done and hoping she hadn't scared me off, to which I assured her was not at all the case. Our next get-together in two days was probably one of the most amazing nights I've ever had. We went to a show, had dinner, watched a movie, and then talked for several hours. I don't think either of us could believe how many things we had in common. Lots of cuddling, gentle kisses, etc. were part of the end of the evening. I told her as I left that I hadn't had a night like this in many years, thanked her, and kissed goodnight. Over the next couple weeks, it was great. We talked/emailed almost every day, sometimes several times a day. But some things started to worry me as time went on. Every once in awhile, she'd be really cold. I stopped by her house as I was passing through town (she knew I was) and she seemed really tired, stressed, and not happy to see me. We got together the following weekend, and she was really affectionate again, ended up staying the night (no sex, just arms around each other sleeping). I said something that night I think was really stupid. I told that she "scared me". (What I meant, but didn't explain immediately, was that I hadn't felt the way I was feeling in over 10 years, and I was worried this might end the same way; me with a broken heart). She said "What!", so I reassured her that what I said was a "good thing", and I'd explain it later. She accepted that, we fell asleep, but we were both kinda restless throughout the night. In the morning, I could tell that she had things on her mind. It's been kinda rocky since then, some ups and downs. She ended up coming here about a week and a half ago and we made dinner together. The day she was coming, she sent an email that explained some of what I assumed we'd end up talking about that night. We did, and I've been a wreck since then. Here's the background information I'm dealing with: She graduated last spring from professional school (optometry), and while she could likely land a great job lots of places, wanted to be near family, so she moved back to the area and has been trying to find a job around here since around August. She hasn't had much luck finding what she's been looking for. She's got her "stuff" in storage and is living with her brother and his wife to save some cash. She's expressed several times how stressed she is about finding a job, school loan payments needing to be made, etc. I can only imagine! In addition ... she finally told me the other night, how her last relationship of about a year and a half ended last summer. Apparently the lied to and cheated on her for a long time while she was off doing her internships in other places the last 8 mos. she was in school. Essentially, she told me she felt as if she'd been emotionally abused. The past relationship thing came out the night we had our heart-to-heart, when she said she needed some space. She said she wasn't saying she didn't want to see me again, but that she just didn't want an "exclusive relationship" right now because though she trusted me, she didn't think she could trust herself (I assume she meant ... in making the right decision to get involved with someone). After reading what I just wrote, I realize, I'm going to sound like an a$$ for what I'm about to write/ask. What I heard at various points of our conversation were the classic phrases/notions of "it's not you, it's me", "I need some space", "I'm just not ready for a relationship", and interpreted them to be subtle ways of saying "It was great at first, but I just don't see you as the kind of person I'm really compatible with" (i.e. later fella!). The wiser, or perhaps optimistic part of me thinks that just maybe in this case, "I need some space" really means that she likes the way this has been going, but she needs to really sort some things out before she dives any farther into the a "relationship". It's been a week and a half since this all happened. Before she left that night, I told her I wouldn't ask her to do anything again, but if she wanted to, she should let me know because she knew what my answer would be (yes, duh!). She'd asked earlier if I still wanted to do what I'd planned already as a surprise the following Sunday. I told her I wasn't sure, but the decision could wait. About the only contact we've had since that night was a 30 min. telephone conversation that following Sunday night, after my "planned outing" had passed, and I couldn't bear not hearing from her; I called and she called back. It was completely casual conversation (no "us" talk, just banter), and ended when a friend of hers stopped by. I sent an email to her about an hour later telling her it was nice talking to her. I also explained that since I hadn't heard from her, I assumed she wasn't sure about wanting to do what I'd planned for the day, and indicated what the surprise was (it was very touching/romantic; which I thought might be rather inappropriate given the circumstances, particularly on the day that happened out of coincidence to be a month to the day since we'd met). Haven't heard a word since. I'm worried, and ready to head to bed for the night. Still sticking to the notion that I'll hear from her eventually, but if anyone's got input at this point ... let me know. I can explain/share more later when I've slept a little (which has been challenging at times, as you can imagine!) Thanks!
bluechocolate Posted November 12, 2004 Posted November 12, 2004 She said she wasn't saying she didn't want to see me again, but that she just didn't want an "exclusive relationship" right now because though she trusted me, she didn't think she could trust herself That's all you need to know - move on.
Author nodakguy Posted November 13, 2004 Author Posted November 13, 2004 I'm impressed that you can make such a simple conclusion based on one statement I made. Of course, you did happen to omit the part I included in parentheses. I realize that it was an assumption of mine, but based on what she explained about her last relationship and knowing her family background, I felt that was a very safe assumption. We had shared enough with each other long before that to know we both could not see ourselves dating someone and still wanting to see other people. So I took her statement to mean that she just wasn't ready for a "relationship" ... whether you want to call it "exclusive", "serious", "committed" or any other description you want to give it. I'm obviously being optimistic, but I'm not naiive. Input from all sides helps, and I appreciate yours. I've certainly considered, and dealt with the fact that you may be entirely correct.
bluechocolate Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 Often the simplest conclusions are the right ones.
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