compulsivedancer Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I feel like everything is getting better for a few weeks and then for a few days I feel so sad. Always in cycles. Why can't I just hold on to the happiness and let the sad go?
seren Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I used to have that happen, I think it's because we (general) are afraid that if we let ourselves be happy, get too comfy, begin to laugh more than remember, learn to love and like again and to trust, then we are afraid we will be hurt again. It's like having a scab on an old wound, the temptation to pick at it is there, until the wound heals and we realise that we have let it alone for a while. it would happen in cycles to me too, I would find myself laughing with H like we always had, being loved up or feeling that contented sort of happy that long term relationships have and then feeling myself draw back as a sort of defence mechanism. It's a normal part of the healing process and will happen until you feel safe enough, trust enough to look forward rather than back. i think it took me around 2 and a half years to allow myself to stop picking the scab and allow us to heal. Now? we are over 6 years out from D Day and I honestly think we have never been better, no denial or naivety here, just 2 people who almost lost us and now enjoy every moment we have. It takes as long as it takes, just try to enjoy the now, accept you cannot change what was, but you can change what will be, I hope it settles for you soon, the recovery after an A is hard and not for the faint hearted or for those who expect the old marriage to just slot in, it doesn't, but a new one is possible. You just build on the old foundations one brick at a time. 4
florence of suburbia Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I know why it goes in cycles for me. 28 day cycles usually. 3
whatatangledweb Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I was like that the whole first year. Now it happens very rarely. It will get better over time. Remind yourself when you are sad that the past is the past but the future is wide open. You can not change the past but you can make the future whatever you want it to be. Learn from your mistakes but don't hold on to them. I am the BS and I believe you are the WS ? I will tell you what I tell my husband. Good people make bad choices that hurt themselves and others. It does not make you a bad person. Accept that you made mistakes and learn to forgive yourself. I promise your sadness will get better with time. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 normally when i start to feel hey i am going to make it my family is going to make it i am happy doing things i love hanging around good people smiling at mysefl in the mirror.......some demon comes in and stuffs it all up just to remind me what hell feels like which i have already seen been and doen that before.............and i am back at step one on the escalator of no answers for you deb.....just think tomorrow will be better............and keep trekkin.....africa (where i will be a nun with a llama and seven cats to drop hair over my penguin suit and adopt seven hundred kids to feed) or bust...tomorrow is another day......so dont worry with come what may.....think i may be losing it..kidding.......blue skies for you tomorrow...hugs..deb 1
Journee Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 It really does make one feel almost crazy. Mood swings and anxiety like I have never known. Triggers , anger and resentment. Guilt and confusion. It's completely consuming. I don't know when this ends. I'm days shy of a year post Dday and I don't feel any better honestly. Moments of normalcy then back to putting my guard up. I hope that it gets better for you OP. I hope that the moments of sadness and despair come few and far between. I don't know when or how but I feel it will. It has to right? We can't just go on into oblivion feeling this mixed up can we? That is the scariest part of it all. The aftermath. ((( hugs))) It will get better. Moment by moment. 1
Shocked Suzie Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 Feel exactly the same, last few days on top of the world ... Opened my eyes this morning and just want to give up! Just feels all so unfair, trying to be focused and there for stability for my kids, but just feel like I'm flogging a dead horse 'me' some days ! Over it! Xxxx feeling your pain 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 The cycles are sort of like waves for me. It took a lot out of me to ask him to leave and stick with it. As obvious as it was that choosing a life with him was choosing a life of torture- the brain just doesnt work the way we want it to. Part of getting up that courage was telling myself over and over that my life would be better without him. Now that I've had some time to myself, logically I should be happier. I know I'm better off. But it doesn't work that way. I think it's just nature. Basically I had to manipulate myself to take action. It worked... but there is a price to pay. The peace of mind I have from doing what is ultimately good for me doesn't eclipse the pain I was already in. Being alone with my thoughts now hasn't made it worse- but it feels that way because now I have to face it. I know it's only temporary and that there will probably be a more waves of anger and resentment and assorted confusing feelings against my will in the next few months. I just have to ride it out and work through each one as they come until they get smaller and smaller and eventually go away. It's like, when the drama is finally over- you expect things to just be good. It's frustrating when they aren't, which is how I think a lot of people get sucked back in to drama-- not just affairs but in general, whatever the drama is-- it's an escape from dealing with the pain you were trying to alleviate in the first place. thats why they call it being strong- it takes superhuman strength of mind somethines to face pain and deal with it once and for all. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 One more thought on cycles- when the bad cycle comes- I find that is the best time for creative expression. Whatever your preferred mode is- get to it. Dancing, singing, playing or creating music, painting, cooking, drawing, excercise, writing... Whatever you can immerse yourself in to create something productive out of the pain will help slay the dragon 2
MMY Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 hey CD, I understand what you are talking about. I just wanted to tell you I do think time and keeping your mind occupied helps with most situations. Not just getting over being a WS/BS or A in general but other things in life also. I am struggling with NC with my parents but I have been busy with other things and this past weekend my W and I spent a lot of time doing things and talking about next steps (not anything about A) just next steps for us and kids. life stuff. We both plan on making a list of to do's together. Long story short stay busy, It is helping me 1
BetrayedH Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 I certainly found "it's going to be a rollercoaster" to be an apt expression. If I had a recommendation, it would be to avoid making dramatic decisions during the lows (they're bad enough already) and to let yourself enjoy the highs when they happen. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 26, 2013 Posted August 26, 2013 One more thought on cycles- when the bad cycle comes- I find that is the best time for creative expression. Whatever your preferred mode is- get to it. Dancing, singing, playing or creating music, painting, cooking, drawing, excercise, writing... Whatever you can immerse yourself in to create something productive out of the pain will help slay the dragon i find this also, i would like to say my mood doesnt depend on dday or my ex or a love interest though, life gets me this way external influences, i as far as i can remember have always gone through this, when i am halfway down like i am now(i am nearly comatose when i am all the way, cant speak....write do anything )so when that is only half way down, i actually am more creative because i am reflecting and deciding and the words seem to flow, from my fingertips, i can sketch like i don't normally sketch they just seem to turn out right,my heart feels swollen and anything i do has a major deb heart injection....normally that makes whatever i create beautiful......so yes to create, to let yourself be, live and hope..deb 2
Recommended Posts