The perfect thing ended, why?

[keepontruckin]

Thanks for the platonic man hugs .

I was the GIGS girl in a college relationship. I was just a different person at 22 than I was at 18. But when I broke up with him, I felt a sense of relief. I felt as if a massive and oppressive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and that's how I knew I had made the right decision.

My wife said the same thing to me after she left, as well as all the other standard dumper lines:laugh:

 

I have a strange feeling that she's banging the "nice guy from work" that she'd mention from time to time, but I have no proof. At this point in the breakup, I don't really even care to know though, as it would make no difference to me.

 

Hang in there though, as you seem like a good person. It takes a tough heart and nerves of steel to handle relationships in this day and age of disposable relationships...

[L1ght]

Holy sh*t!

That really is the worst. You believe in it and you are so sure that things are gonna work out up until that moment where they don't. I feel your pain and you are not alone but that is the risk we take when we put our heart, soul and life in the hands of another human being. We really don't even see it coming and the questions when its over are numerous if not infinite.

But hey....He did that to you, he gave up on you despite having something that was sooooooooo good. In my opinion that is completely selfish and unforgivable so if he comes back tell him where to shove it while in the mean time doing the best you can to move on and find a healthy balance in your life again.

[CBKBM]

I'm totally undone from about 5 am to 9am.

9am to 5 pm is numbness.

5pm to 6 pm is a mix of hope and anger and rationalization and denial.

Then it's back to a complete emotional meltdown until I pass out.

 

I am totally worthless at work. I can't stop thinking about the amazing things he did for me, what a good thing I thought we had, and how I may never ever again find someone like him. I always told people that he was a keeper, and everyone EVERYONE agreed.

 

Most of the time, when a relationship ends, people tell you he wasn't good enough for you, or they never liked him, or you could do so much better, or what a jerk he was.

 

In this case, people tell me, "Wow, I thought you'd be together forever." Yeah, thanks, me too.

[Soat]

This is just awful. It's weird he had no reasons at all? Maybe he just went crazy or i??

[JDPT]

Reminds me of how my ex dumped me, no explanation or reason just very general nonsense, nothing of substance. I believe she was just lookin for the slightest excuse to call it quits.

[L.D.702]

I know how you feel my girlfriend broke up a week ago after going out for 7 years. I always think about the good times we had together and how it's gone forever. I screamed my lungs out today asking god why this had to happen.

 

You sound like a mature person so you can and will get through this.

[CBKBM]

I couldn't help it and read through old texts and messages. Maybe I wanted proof that he did in fact love me and care for me. There is no indication that we were headed down a wrong path, other than that the frequency of the messages slowed down.

 

I guess I never really thought about it at the time, and just figured that that's what happens when you get comfortable in a relationship. You don't need to text every.little.thing to your SO like you did in the beginning. I thought it was a sign of comfort and relationship maturity. I guess the confidence I had in our relationship let me think I could let is slip by the wayside a little while I focused on the various stresses in my life. I guess I figured that the relationship would always be there...

 

Playing the if only game. If only if only if only.

 

Not sure if looking at those messages helped or hurt...

[MontyCarlo]

Hi CBKBM, searched out your thread after you posted on mine.

 

I'm horrified. Comparing my relationship to yours from different perspectives.

 

If I didn't know my girlfriend better I could swear that you were her, just the grammar differences I can make out to know its not. (and the face you said you were together for two years, almost 5 in our case.)

 

I hope to dear god that that's not how she feels about everything but she may do.

 

I don't feel pity for her (I'm not ready to call her by the other term yet either), I hate myself, I hate myself because my heart and my mind were conflicting with each other.

 

My mind was saying that something is wrong, you have to leave this now, its not fair on her to carry this on. My heart was screaming "NOOOO, what are you doing!!" In fact during our last talk, I actually mouthed those words. She asked me what I said, I changed the topic.

 

Why did I end such a good thing? Why do I feel the way I do about us? Do I want to try and get back with her? What in particular was wrong? Would talking more have helped?

Each one of those I cannot answer, not because I wont. I just don't know the answer.

[squeezy]

CBKBM and karpeezy, I swear your stories may as well be mine.

 

I am two months post BU with limited contact but have started strict NC from yesterday.

 

The first thing I want you to know is that there was nothing you did wrong or could have done differently. Something must have snapped in his brain, which had nothing to do with you, and could be something he isn't telling you about.

 

I've found out what it was in my case, and believe me, it hurts even more knowing. Just do your best to distract yourself (so not easy, I know) and trust that time will tell.

 

Sometimes it's better to not have any answers.

[karpeezy]

CBKBM and karpeezy, I swear your stories may as well be mine.

 

I am two months post BU with limited contact but have started strict NC from yesterday.

 

The first thing I want you to know is that there was nothing you did wrong or could have done differently. Something must have snapped in his brain, which had nothing to do with you, and could be something he isn't telling you about.

 

I've found out what it was in my case, and believe me, it hurts even more knowing. Just do your best to distract yourself (so not easy, I know) and trust that time will tell.

 

Sometimes it's better to not have any answers.

 

Thanks for the input squeezy .. seems there is quite a few of us who were dumped for what seemed like no reason at all. But yes, there probably is an underlying reason in all of these situations.

 

Do I think I know what it is in my situation? Yep .. commitment fear, and selfishness. Is this for sure? I probably will never know.

 

I broke NC tonight .. responded to a text he sent me regarding our baseball game tomorrow (I'm not going). When I told him that, he said OK, I understand. I told him maybe next week, good luck. He said Hopefully next week, thanks. Before I responded, I said out loud a bunch of times "he broke up with ME, all he is asking about is BASEBALL, don't read into this". So I feel pretty good about it right now. I think our short convo was civil, and I was not rude.

 

I feel good now .. but I think tomorrow I will be hurting

[CBKBM]

MontyCarlo, thank you so much for your input. I know you aren't him, and who knows if your thought process and reasons are alike, but it really helps (even if just to imagine) that he's thinking what you're thinking.

 

FWIW (as if I could speak for your ex), there's no hate on my part. None at all. And though I feel wretched, I'm also so grateful to know what it's like to be in a good relationship with a good man who loved(s?) me.

 

Hopefully your ex is surrounding herself with friends and family, talking it over until its out of her system for the moment, and coming to the same conclusion.

[MontyCarlo]

MontyCarlo, thank you so much for your input. I know you aren't him, and who knows if your thought process and reasons are alike, but it really helps (even if just to imagine) that he's thinking what you're thinking.

 

FWIW (as if I could speak for your ex), there's no hate on my part. None at all. And though I feel wretched, I'm also so grateful to know what it's like to be in a good relationship with a good man who loved(s?) me.

 

Hopefully your ex is surrounding herself with friends and family, talking it over until its out of her system for the moment, and coming to the same conclusion.

 

I know she is, we're still tagged as together on facebook. I hate facebook, don't normally go on the damned thing so I'm sure she's confident that she can post what she likes. I can sadly be a facebook stalker and see what she makes public knowledge. She's been going out with friends, drinks in with friends every night since. I don't think its hit her properly yet.

 

Actually, just checked, I'm now 'just in a relationship'. She has no such tag.

 

Don't know how I feel about it to be honest. (paused for like 10 mins) Actually, she knows one of the reasons is facebook. She was always on it, ever since we started, if we're along together, she has/had her damned phone in her hands checking everyone's latest status updates. We wouldn't talk at all, I even resorted to pushing that button on the top of the phone to turn her phone off (she would always just reenter her pin and log back on).

It became a bit of a joke, although sometimes she would get cross with me for doing so.

 

Its quite funny really, 4 almost 5 years of constant asking her to put the phone down when we're together, switching it off on her. Driving somewhere she wouldn't talk to me, she would be on the phone. Sitting on the couch at my house when she'd stay with me whilst folks were away for a few months, I'd cook tea and ask her to get off facebook to help me tidy up.

 

I know what I was afraid of, why I didn't think we were right. I was scared that I would forever be 2nd best to facebook.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know she loved me, she was very caring and loving. Facebook would always be in the damn way. Yeah I'm angry about it, angry that I've only just realised what the true problem was. Silly that it took her removing the relationship tag from the thing that I detested to make me realise it.

 

EDIT - Sorry for partly hijacking your thread, I just had a moment of clarity over a few things (more than what I've said on the forums). I still love her and all, that will not change ever. Time for me to delete facebook, I've wanted to do that for a long time, now is my chance.

 

Sidenote, I've used facebook about 30 times total (usually news stories that irritate me, used it as a way of distributing my thoughts on particular news topics), I have no idea how to change my profile picture (its currently a pic of both of us). I'd like to turn it to a black screen. i.e no pic at all before I deactivate the account. (I believe it will still show up in certain regards). Anyone know the easy way? Never mind I found it.

Edited August 29, 2013 by MontyCarlo

[Recovered]

Hi CBKBM,

 

Your story is heart-breaking. I read it, went off and did some stuff, but I couldn't stop thinking about you so I came back to respond.

 

None of us on this forum know you, know him, or have enough details to really give more than general advice. But it's surprising how often general advice applies in the case of breakups. So fwiw, here's my take:

 

Either he has a specific reason or reasons why he broke up with you, or he doesn't.

 

If he has a specific reason:

If there's a specific reason, he's not telling you because a) he doesn't want to hurt you more, and b) because, whether he admits it to himself or not, he's not strong enough to look you in the face and tell you the full truth of what he's thinking.

 

That doesn't mean he's weak or cowardly. But we all want to avoid conflict, smooth over differences, escape from unpleasant situations, not cause pain to someone. He obviously cares for you and loves/d you, so he doesn't want to hurt you, and breaking up with you obviously made him feel horrible because he knows what it's doing to you. So to then tell you why on top of that is more than he can handle.

 

Realistically, in his own mind, he probably does have some reasons. If there is a specific reason(s), it could be anything. Little things, huge things. Enormous life issues, small quotidian details. One thing, many things. Things you might say you could change, things which you couldn't. Reasons he doesn't see a long-term life with you, reasons he doesn't think the short-term is possible. It could be things about you, it could be about him. It could be that something doesn't match whatever his deep-seated life dream is in a woman to settle down with. It could be he realized he's a man who never wants to settle down with one woman. It could be that he met someone else.

 

Who knows. It could be anything.

 

But whatever it is, he knows you, he knows the relationship and unfortunately, he doesn't think his reasons are surmountable.

 

It takes two to make a relationship, but only one to break it... and he decided to break it.

 

I know how incredibly strong is your desire to understand why. I really empathize with you about that. The need to know is huge. It's still very soon after your breakup, but little by little you'll have to come to understand that you'll never truly know why. It might even happen that you'll get some explanation from him some day, but even then you'll never know if it's the full truth unless he returns apologizing and begging to be back together again. Otherwise, the reality is that you'll never be as privy to someone's thoughts and innermost feelings after a relationship ends; that intimacy will never be there again.

 

But it's ok, because whatever reasons he had or didn't have don't matter for you. What you had was a beautiful relationship, and that's the only truth that matters in the memory of your life.

 

If he doesn't have a specific reason

It could actually be the truth that in his own mind, he honestly doesn't have a specific reason. He can't put his finger on it, but something seems off.

 

For him to have gotten to this point, he must have thought a lot about it. It could be that he recognizes how great you are and how well you fit, but that something just doesn't work for the future. He can't put it in words, but the feeling is strong enough to make him say no.

 

It's sad, but sometimes two people can fit so well together and seem perfect, but they just aren't right for the long-term. And for some reason he can't pin down, he feels that way.

 

 

Either way, whatever his reasons are or aren't, he broke up with you. At this point, the best - and only - thing you can do it focus on yourself.

 

You really seem to have your head on straight, much more than most people immediately after a blindsiding breakup, so you probably know what you should do:

 

- No contact, immediately. Don't allow yourself to contact him whatsoever

in any way. Make it a goal to get through the next day without contacting him, then 2 days, then the next week...

- Block him from all social media contact. No possibility of any updates.

- Don't be alone. Friends, family... this is when you most need them.

- If you can and you think it would help, take some time from work. For some people, the daily routine and contact with colleagues is helpful to get through the day; for others, depending on your job, maybe it's best to take time and go to family or friends. Whatever you think is best for you.

 

It's going to really hurt. It'll get worse before it gets better. And it could be weeks and months.

 

I really feel for you. Virtual hugs don't help much after a breakup, nor do real hugs from anyone but the person who dumped; that's the reality. But still, you've got lots of virtual hugs from me and everyone else who's reading your posts. And you have real life hugs from your friends and family.

 

You really sound like an incredible person, well put-together, caring, generous, reflective. To tell you to stop the self-recrimination is silly; I know that the "what if this, what if that" self-doubt will nag you for a long time. But little by little, you'll realize that there isn't anything wrong which you did. You are who you are, he is who is, the relationship wasn't mean to be but it was beautiful while it was and it will be a cherished memory in your life. You'll suffer now, but with time you will survive, recover, heal and grow, and you'll end up as a stronger, more confident version of who you were before.

 

Lots of big virtual hugs :)

[CBKBM]

Wow, Recovered. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful, insightful response. The tenderness made me tear up (in a good way!).

 

I'm taking everything you wrote to heart.

 

I've also decided to go off-grid for a little bit and turn off the Internet for a while. I'm not totally MIA, just didn't want anyone to worry that I dropped off the face of the earth! Will be back soon, and in the meantime, keep up the good fight! After all, you're all fighting for the most worthy thing: you.

[CBKBM]

I lied. I thought I could silently cope with my emotions one week post BU, but I can't. It hurts. It physically hurts. I'm either numb or despondent. I'm not eating, not focusing, not enjoying anything.

 

I don't want to be rational and accommodating. I don't want to be understanding and accept his decisions. I don't want to treat this as a learning experience.

 

I want him. I want to know why. I want to know how he could walk away even as he was crying and telling me he loved me. I want him to realize he made a mistake and call me back and make everything ok.

 

I want to text him about something funny, call him and make him laugh, share those little day-to-day observances that only WE found funny together, those little moments that proved that we were a team and just understood each other on a fundamental level and were just so right for each other. I loved coming up with the perfect thing to text him. It made me so happy to know that he was on the other of the text, appreciating my witty social observation, laughing, happy.

 

The only small slivers of happiness right now are when I stumble across something like that during my day, and I instinctually get so excited to share it. And then a split-second later, reality comes crashing down...

 

I still want to share these things with him. I still want to make him happy, even when I'm this sad.

 

And why wouldn't I? Our was not a toxic relationship. Why wouldn't I want a good thing in my life? I am not better off without him in my life. He made want to be a better person. And said I did the same for him. How can you just cut something (so so so) good from your life like that? How could he look at all those moments, those perfectly-crafted-because-I-love-you texts and decide to not have them in his life?

 

You don't cut off good parts of your body. You cut off tumors, gangrenous flesh, and dying limbs—things that are sick and rotting and ugly. I can't believe that I was that to him. So then why?

 

Clearly I'm handling this really well...

[Sparkle304]

Be easy on yourself. It's more than okay to be confused and sad right now! You need to grieve. But please, if you believe you may be falling into a depression (e.g. you feel life has no hope, you feel like dying) please, PLEASE go and see your doctor. I've been there and the longer you wait for help, the worse you get.

 

Have you considered seeking advice from a professional? Perhaps their insight can help you cope. What do your friends and family say?

 

What if he pulled this disappearing act a few years in the future? How much worse could it be then?

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry to hear your story and I appreciate it's incredibly painful.

 

I'm sure you are a great person and he was right in his praise of you. The sad thing is that sometimes one has a sense of what is right and what isn't and it can remain a fog for a while until it wells up from underneath somewhere and insists we listen. It sounds like this is what happened for him. Deep down we know something somewhere is not quite matching and we are instinctively driven to seek that match even if we don't know what it is. He may not even know exactly what it is that isn't right for him and it's highly unlikely that it is any fault of yours. Nature informs us of these things at a deep level and it is probably something instinctive to do with genetics, scent, interests, and so on.

 

The point is he's as powerless to understand it as you are. This is no consolation I know. It does mean that looking for a reason is a waste of your mental energy. Try to accept that you are perfect, you are not at fault, it is just instinct and evolution that has driven you apart. I am sorry because I do know how much it hurts.

[CBKBM]

I have never felt like this before. I thought my first heartbreak was bad, but this is 100x worse. Every fiber in my body is screaming that this is wrong.

 

I feel like a zombie. I am incapable of functioning any higher than survival mode. I just cry all day. Not even crying--whimpering and shaking. I've lost a lot of weight. I hate myself. I hate myself for all the things I should have done and didn't and the things I didn't do and should have, all because I'm selfish, naive, too guarded, and took the relationship for granted.

 

He broke up with me so its my fault. I was the one who let the distance creep in, who got preoccupied with work and money, who was stressed and absent. None of these are egregious by themselves, but I'm sure all these little things slowed the momentum until it stopped. And I was too stupid to realize it.

 

I can't do this. I don't know how to do this.

 

I'm so so mad at myself for becoming worried about money. I don't know why it happened. Why I became so obsessed with paying off my loans. It's why I took another job. It's why I never got to see him anymore. I thought I was being responsible. I thought I was doing the right thing by not asking my parents for a handout and working more hours instead. I thought paying my loans off in 10 years instead of 30 was the right thing to do. I don't know why I become so singly focused on paying off my loans and making more money. I'm sure that misfocused attention just further drove a wedge. And for no reason. My parents would have been happy to give me the money.

 

Sorry, rambling.

 

I'm just shattered. I lost the best thing I ever had. He gave me everything and I took it for granted. I feel like I deserve every bit of pain I feel.

 

Scheduling a therapist appointment next week.

[Sparkle304]

You can and will get through this!

 

It is not your fault! You were acting responsibly trying to pay off your debts. Personally, I view your focus and hard work as great characteristics....this did not cause the demise of your relationship.

 

I'm sure he does love you, but maybe he was no longer in love with you. Why? Who knows!!! I'm positive he has no idea either. You were perfect.....but for him something was just off.

 

Yeah, love HURTS

[ohme_ohmy]

Girl...I know exactly how you are feeling. I just experienced an eerily similar breakup situation. I thought he might be the one and we had a happy, healthy relationship.

 

It's been 4 weeks since the breakup and we've had zero contact. I felt completely blindsided and he himself claimed he didn't see it coming either. We were together for a year and a half and things seemed perfect. Everyone I know (including my mother) thought we were meant to be and would someday be married. I was shocked and completely and utterly heartbroken when he began our conversation with "I feel like I can't give you what you need in this relationship." My heart literally fell into the pit of my stomach because I knew what was coming.

 

Our breakup lasted 6 hours as we held each other and cried. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't know what his own future holds and that he didn't want to be unfair to me by making me wait around for him to "be ready" for more. He didn't want to end up making false promises because he just didn't know where his life would lead. I should add that we were long distance for a year and even though we saw each other every two weeks or so, I ultimately hoped as he talked about moving that he would want to be closer to me.

 

He continued to tell me how I'm one of his best friends and that he would miss me terribly. How he admires and respects me because of the goals I am working towards and he also envies the fact that I know where my life is headed. How I'm the nicest, most magnificent person he's ever dated and that girls like me don't come around often. That being with me has brought out great things in himself. His previous relationship was with someone who put him down constantly and was manipulative and abusive.

 

I couldn't possibly understand how someone could break up with me while saying such contradictory things. Where had we gone wrong? Wasn't I the perfect girlfriend to him? We had trust and respect, love, and affection, great communication, awesome sex, and always enjoyed spending time together.

 

In the first 1-2 weeks, I felt exactly as you are now. Reeling with disbelief and trying to piece together HOW this could possibly happen? You go over every minute detail to try to understand WHY.

 

I will tell you that as time goes on, you will begin to reflect on the relationship and you will start to recognize and acknowledge the red flags that were there all along but you chose not to see because love is blind and you always hope that someone will come around. In these 4 weeks, I have begun to see that my ex was simply emotionally unavailable and selfish. That as much as I thought he loved me and as much as I felt loved by him, he ultimately made the decision to give up because he wasn't "capable" of being what I needed. In time you will see that as perfect as the relationship felt and seemed to be, the reality will start to peek through the haze. At the end of the day, he isn't the one afterall because he decided you weren't the one. NOT YOUR FAULT. There is nothing you could have done more of or less of or changed in yourself to make things different. Please know this. You sound intelligent and mature and you will get through this. Know that you will find this again AND MORE in someone who IS right for you and will give you everything you desire and need and more.

 

As difficult as it is not to think about him and continue to torture myself with questions and what ifs, I try to focus on the positives of the relationship, what I learned from it and what I can take away from it. I was able to acknowledge that I am capable of having a long term relationship (all my previous ones were short lived), and that I am lovable. At one point this person invested his time, energy, and affection in me and our relationship and I am the better for it. I wouldn't take back a single day spent together, even knowing it would ultimately lead to where I am now.

 

It hurts, I know. And I completely sympathize with your pain. The best thing for both of us to do now, is move on, focus on ourselves and put energy into something we can control. Something that makes you feel good about you. Keep your chin up!

[CBKBM]

Not sure if this forum is an appropriate place to document/journal my BU process, but maybe it'll help someone...

 

So it's a week and a half post-BU, and the immediate panic is gone, but it's been replaced my numb disbelief. I'm no longer crying non-stop, but I don't know if that's because I'm actually healing or if it's because I've exhausted my tear ducts. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but inside, my brain is a mess of jumbled, frantic thoughts.

 

I'm not sure how many of those thoughts are productive or healthy. Most of them indicate denial. I want to find the problems. Why? So I can fix them. Why? So I can tell him I know what the issues were and they have a solution. Why? So he'll see that I really DO understand his anxieties and have the answer and we can get back together. Everything was just so good that I can't help but think it's all a misunderstanding, a miscommunication. We'll get back together. We have to. We have to because I was so happy. Because he loved the things I didn't even love about myself. Because before him, I didn't even know I was unhappy..and then I met him, and realized what real and meaningful love really is. Because we both have the same terrible taste in music and opinions on global warming. Because we're both mediocre dancers but dance with unabashed enthusiasm...in empty bars...to no music. Because of a hundred million little reasons that he has to be thinking about right now and realizing he made a mistake. ------> So says my emotionally shattered self.

 

I try to stop the thoughts, the hope, the strategizing, but I just can't turn them off...

 

It feels like someone gutted my chest. I never knew heartbreak was an actual physical feeling.

[CBKBM]

On coping: I’m doing everything by the books. Hanging out with friends, treating myself, spending time outside, upping my exercise routine, changing up my room, deep-cleaning my house, going on vacation, seeing a therapist… On paper, I’m doing everything right. And I’m sure that on the outside, it looks like I’m coping well. When I take inventory of how I feel on the inside however, I’m not so sure.

 

On doubt and denial: Sometimes I’m afraid I’m coping a little ~too~ well. I tend to compartmentalize, academically and objectively analyze, and hide painful emotions so deep that I can’t access them. I’m afraid I’m trying to go around, rather than through a painful process. It’s like my body and mind refuses to acknowledge what happened. I feel kinda numb, and can only think of the relationship in very removed and abstract terms. On one hand its great, because I can function somewhat productively. One the other hand, it’s probably not healthy and it’s depressing that such an important relationship can have so little impact on me. I’m also afraid that I’m still holding on to the hope that he’ll come around.

 

On NC: I broke NC twice. Brief texting conversations. Light and superficial, only tacitly acknowledging our relationship. I don’t regret them. NC is difficult for me. It feels forced and unnatural to go from sharing everything with someone (especially someone I respect and value and have no ill-feelings toward) to … nothing. My NC has no agenda, I just haven’t contacted him because I don’t know what I would or could say. But if I find the words, I’ll say them. He doesn’t owe me any answers, but I owe it to myself to at least ask for them.

 

On anger: I wish I could be angry. Anger is productive, invigorating. Sadness, even my muted sadness, is defeating. The bit of anger I’m latching on to is that he made a unilateral decision about our relationship without the consideration to communicate with me first. He didn’t respect me or my input enough to articulate his feelings at their onset. And then he said that he was doing it for me. BS. No one dumps someone altruistically. He’s just appeasing his guilt by trying to make this a noble gesture.

 

On guilt: I still blame myself. I am positive that he loved me, and that I did a million little things to make him feel that that love was not enough. He put his feelings on the line and invested in the relationship, and when he most needed me to reciprocate, I pulled away. Not in any obvious and dramatic way, but enough for him to withdraw in turn. I prioritized wrong and took the relationship for granted.

 

On answers: I still want to know why, obviously. The rational part of me recognizes that I have no control over his feelings, and that I cannot guilt, manipulate, reason, or love him into wanting to be with me. He has to feel his feelings, and emotion isn’t guided by logic. He might have the dumbest reason in the world for not wanting to be with me, but if that’s reason enough for him, than I have to accept it. The hopeful part of me, however, is certain that if only I could articulate the reasons he couldn’t, if I could just name the problems he wasn’t able to understand, if I could find the answers to his endless “I don’t know why” and give whatever issues he had a name and a face, then we could fix them. I’m sure that I can fix the things he didn’t know were broken.

 

Sigh.