Social Circles

[Coolit]

So, here is my problem. Of my own making of course. That is that xMM and xMW/BW are in very close social circles to us. We are talking their close friends are close friends of ours. That means there are many get togethers that we will cross paths. H already has. So far I've avoided any that they may be at.

 

H has no desire to change friends. He says they were the ones that did wrong and so he won't avoid where they might be. I understand that. He also wants e to start going. I really get that in small town it is inevitable I will see them at some point but, I really don't want to.

 

So my husband think that after some time the four o us should get together with a nuetral fifth party, and try to come to some sort of socialy acceptable congeniel behaviour. His only concern with it is he knows he'll snap if the OC show know signs of remorse for their behaviour. He told me himself a while ago that what bugs him the most is they have not apologized.

 

This seems very far from what is usualy done. And I really don't think OC will go for it (i really think I hope they don't but I would like for H's sake they apologize.

 

What should I do or suggest? Or should i just let my H try to set this up if it is that important to him.

[whatatangledweb]

Wow, that is a hard one. You don't want to see them yet your husband will take it wrong if you tell him you do not want to do a meeting. I can see several things playing out at that meeting that would not be good. I do not believe they will apologize. I personally would just ignore them. I know it is harder for you since you are the WW . Have you tried telling your husband that you are not comfortable with meeting them?

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You BH needs to learn about the importance of NC for the both of you.

[janedoe67]

Normally I think the BS gets to call the shots on healing and safety, but this is a danger to YOU. I get that he doesn't want to disrupt friendships, but this is a very unwise move.

 

I know (believe me) that as a FWS you probably feel like you have no right to put your foot down about anything, but this, to me, is an exception.

 

Tell him that you feel very strongly that your marriage and protecting it is more important than social niceties, and that you plan to keep NC for life with this man, period. You may not be able to avoid an accidental Wal mart sighting, and though some people say you should always move halfway across the country, in the real world that really ISN'T possible. But you CAN avoid known likelihoods. I would suggest both of you reading Surviving an Affair and let him know that NC is going to be one of your extraordinary precautions.

 

I feel for you; you are trying to do the right thing, and your gut is right about this.

[BetrayedH]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You BH needs to learn about the importance of NC for the both of you.

 

There are some themes in this book that I hate but Road is absolutely right that it would be very helpful for you both to learn about the importance of NC. You need to only have friends that are "friends of the marriage" and this routine social mixing with the other couple is no good for anyone. I'm pretty shocked at his willingness to share space with them but I kinda get his desire to not lose his own network just because other people screwed up. I just know that it's already monumentally difficult to reconcile as it is; socially interacting with them just adds another level of crazy.

 

I wish I knew what to tell you. It is bizarre to have this request coming from the BH. I get the impression that he must be a very strong/confident guy to be so determined to face this head-on. But as much as I'd like to say to support the decisions of your BH (to support his strength), I just can't imagine how any of that is actually going to be healthy for any of you.

[Coolit]

I'll get the book and suggest it but I won't hold my breath H will read it. He doesn't like reading.

 

I'm not going to suggest he stop mixing with these friends. I think that will cause resentment. And he has no desire to hang out exclusivly with this other couple. He just wants if we find ourselves in a room together, we have already discussed the A and come to some sort of mutual understanding.

 

Affairs are stupid. And so are we who engage in them.

[underwater2010]

Just a quick question....is the circle of friends aware of the affair?

[Coolit]

Just a quick question....is the circle of friends aware of the affair?

 

I don't think so.

[underwater2010]

That is where your problem is going to be. All it will take is a little alcohol on your BH part and he will let it all out in front of them.....trust me on this one. You have no idea at this point if these people are friends of the marriage or not. That is unless they helped you by covering during the affair.

 

As far as meeting with the other couple....good luck. It could turn out really bad...especially if there is no remorse from your exAP.

[Coolit]

No one covered the A. One person suspected I think but everyone else was in the dark. I have thought people knowing may be best. And in all honesty I don't mind friends knowing. It is family we don't want to know. I say we because H really doesn't want my family to know. And once people starting "knowing" you open a floodgate.

 

H doesn't drink that much. But I think what you said is a concern of his but coming from the other side. Which is why he wants us to get together in a safe enviroment. And say anything that needs saying.

[Spark1111]

Your H sounds amazingly courageous. I think, IF both couple can have an adult discussion, they should do so.

 

Will seeing the OM trigger romantic feelings in you? If yes, then you should tell your H this and ask him how to handle this as a couple.

 

as a BS you lose so, so, much. Friends too is asking a lot of him. HE did not do anything wrong, right? So I do understand his POV.

 

Does he believe you have NO FEELINGS for the OM?

 

If that is NOT the case, then you need to tell him the truth of that.

[Coolit]

My feelings for OM go along with my other post today. Which I am going to reply to. But they are not romantic or fond. At all.

 

My fear I think is that somehow they convince my H that xMM's version of events is the real one. And that would mean I hadn't stopped lying to him. I actually hope if this does happen we don't do a he said she said but instead mutually agree to move forward and leave the affair in the past where it belongs. That there will be no private contact between xMM and I. That we will not seek each other out at gatherings. That we will remain NC. I actually think it is possible my H thinks of OW/BW has a live wire he wants to check on. But he wants me with him. And if I am there it is only fair he is as well.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think this sounds like a bad idea.

 

Lets change the discussion.

 

Pretend this couple stole from you. You share friends, but they are saying that you gave them the money.

 

He said /she said

 

Would you be more likely to just write them off and avoid them? Would you try to "broker" an agreement for behavior?

 

It just seems like a recipe for disaster. I am certain people know or suspect, so what is the issue with avoidance and having them be invisible? Your DDay was not all that long ago, what is the rush?

 

What does your MC say about this?

[Coolit]

You guys are bringing up good points to gently suggest to my H should he carry on with this idea. But I really am probably worrying for nothing as I just can't OC agreeing. First off, Bs/OW engaged in a threesome with me fully knowing my H was not ok with it. But when she found out after she ended our fwb that xMM had sex one more time she became the BS. And made threats towarss me and in general has behaved like a BS. Basicaly she is angry at me for the same crime she commited against my H. I don't know if she has aknowledged this or not so i cannot see her wanting to own up to it.

Second, his version of events almost turns him into a victim. I don't think he will want to meet up with the real victim, my H.

 

After writin this it seems to be exposing the A is probably the best route. My husband feels no humiliation by my actions. He just didn't want to put other people in akward position. But, it is obvious that any friends of his, should it come down to a choosing, would choose to stand with my H.

[Coolit]

I should add that he is not ready yet he said to do this but was rather talking about something we do after more time has passed.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You guys are bringing up good points to gently suggest to my H should he carry on with this idea. But I really am probably worrying for nothing as I just can't OC agreeing. First off, Bs/OW engaged in a threesome with me fully knowing my H was not ok with it. But when she found out after she ended our fwb that xMM had sex one more time she became the BS. And made threats towarss me and in general has behaved like a BS. Basicaly she is angry at me for the same crime she commited against my H. I don't know if she has aknowledged this or not so i cannot see her wanting to own up to it.

Second, his version of events almost turns him into a victim. I don't think he will want to meet up with the real victim, my H.

 

After writin this it seems to be exposing the A is probably the best route. My husband feels no humiliation by my actions. He just didn't want to put other people in akward position. But, it is obvious that any friends of his, should it come down to a choosing, would choose to stand with my H.

 

So the other wife is also an AP. When your husband is around this couple he is seeing 2 (TWO) people that had sex with his wife behind his back. I can only image how emasculated this must make him feel.

 

I'd keep it simple if I were your husband: "If either one of you ever see me at a party or social gathering, turn around and leave."

[Coolit]

So the other wife is also an AP. When your husband is around this couple he is seeing 2 (TWO) people that had sex with his wife behind his back. I can only image how emasculated this must make him feel.

 

I'd keep it simple if I were your husband: "If either one of you ever see me at a party or social gathering, turn around and leave."

 

My husband neither feels emasculated or humiliated. He knows I chose to do what I did out of my own issues and had nothing to do with him. And, by his own words, the fmfs were not the ones that bothered him the most. The last time just the two of us was. And my husband refuses to leave because of what we all did. Because he isn't humiliated. And e wants me to be there and hold my head up because I have been forgiven by him. And he is the only person whose forgiveness I need.

 

I didn't actually have sex with her. We took turns. I don't know if that made a difference but my husband is a wondeful man. He is very confident and forgiving.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

he wants me to be there and hold my head up because I have been forgiven by him. And he is the only person whose forgiveness I need.

 

True. I also think that he wants to reclaim his social life? Your and his? And not let the affair define you?

 

my husband is a wondeful man. He is very confident and forgiving.

 

You are very blessed.

[road]

My husband neither feels emasculated or humiliated. He knows I chose to do what I did out of my own issues and had nothing to do with him. And, by his own words, the fmfs were not the ones that bothered him the most. The last time just the two of us was. And my husband refuses to leave because of what we all did. Because he isn't humiliated. And e wants me to be there and hold my head up because I have been forgiven by him. And he is the only person whose forgiveness I need.

 

I didn't actually have sex with her. We took turns. I don't know if that made a difference but my husband is a wondeful man. He is very confident and forgiving.

 

 

Your BH is in denial. And so are you. You and your BH must go NC with this other couple(your OM and OW).

[Coolit]

After d day neither of us saw mutual friends who new even let alone what you are suggesting. Make new friends. Your H is testing you

 

As far as I know none of our mutual friends knew with the exception of one being suspicious. An I'm not suggesting anthing. His idea that he is playing around with for further down the road. You can talk all you want about new friends but these friends are my husband friends first. I have my friends. My husband trusts me not to do it again. And he is the only person who has to believe me and trust me. And a lot of BS on here will think him a fool. But I know he isn't. He knows I don't deserve forgiveness but he gave it to me and I am doing my best to the wife he deserves. That is why I cannot demand he get new friends.

[Coolit]

Your BH is in denial. And so are you. You and your BH must go NC with this other couple(your OM and OW).

 

Hubby is not in denial. Trust me. I think in all honesty he may just want his chance to have his say. I really haven't pushed for him to articulate it because I don't feel I am in a place where I can make demands. Obviously, I don't have to turn into a doormat. I'm allowed objections and feelings but when it comes to how we handle these things I feel less able to make absolute statements.

 

Like I said, the best bet may be exposure. But obviously I cringe at the thought of everyone knowing. But I will suggest it to H and see if his opinion on keeping it secret has changed.

 

And I am not even sure what you think I'm in denial about.

[road]

As far as I know none of our mutual friends knew with the exception of one being suspicious. An I'm not suggesting anthing. His idea that he is playing around with for further down the road. You can talk all you want about new friends but these friends are my husband friends first. I have my friends. My husband trusts me not to do it again. And he is the only person who has to believe me and trust me. And a lot of BS on here will think him a fool. But I know he isn't. He knows I don't deserve forgiveness but he gave it to me and I am doing my best to the wife he deserves. That is why I cannot demand he get new friends.

 

 

No one said get rid all of BH's friends.

 

Get rid of OM and OW. They are not yours or your BH's friends.

[Coolit]

No one said get rid all of BH's friends.

 

Get rid of OM and OW. They are not yours or your BH's friends.

 

Actually that is what I thought j'adore was suggesting. I think I have said a million times that he isn't looking to be besties with them. But as he has forgiven me he wants to establish with them some sort of understandin that will take some of the unknown out of being at same gatherings.

[Artie Lang]

with all this being thrown around, i don't understand why your husband doesn't just confront these people and tell them what he really thinks of all this nonsense.

 

why beat around the bush with all this bs waiting to run into them somewhere? just get it over with and move on if he has already forgiven you, as you've said.

[Coolit]

with all this being thrown around, i don't understand why your husband doesn't just confront these people and tell them what he really thinks of all this nonsense.

 

why beat around the bush with all this bs waiting to run into them somewhere? just get it over with and move on if he has already forgiven you, as you've said.

 

That is a very good question. One I will put to my husband but I'll skip using the same words as you